SPECIAL DELIVERY

 

There stood I, naked, in phallic splendour

Ready to give service roughly or tender

Suitably aroused for a service to render

“I have a special delivery here for Brenda”

And she marked it cruelly “Return to sender”

SHAMELESS SHAZZA

 

We must pay her now

A King’s ransom

A sum in the millions

So quite handsome

 

And for what exactly

Sacking her unfairly?

Or more accurately

For sacking her too early

 

She’ll take the money

Without a thought for Peter

For shameless Shazza

Thinks she’s the victim

INVERSE

 

My poems have been called

On a good day, ribald

More often artistically bald

Humourous? So-called

Wit to scathe and scald

Tastelessness unrivalled

Not written but scrawled

Or just plain tired and auld

But I say with joy untold

Prepare again to be appalled

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds

Freaks with beaks

Tykes on bikes

Mancs in tanks

Bowsers in trousers

Paedo’s in speedos

Perverts in skirts

Streakers in sneakers

Coppers in toppers

Scouses in blouses

Weirdo’s in hairdos

And I ask myself

What was in that roll up? 

GROWTH SPURTS

 

When I was in my teens

I was regarded as unusual

Due to the rapid speed

I was extending in the vertical

But that was long ago

And my height now is more usual

But some unseen force is at work

And I’m growing horizontal

VEGETUS # 1

 

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?

Is that something you have done?

Well, no I haven’t, but I’d like to

Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

REPEAT OFFENDER

 

It was his repeated use

Of drastic plastic

Which led to his appearance

At Devizes assizes