PUT DOWN # 11

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?

Is an invitation he may extend

So just reply to him

“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”

PICKUP # 3

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Let me introduce myself”

You can say to her

“You don’t look like the kind of girl

Who’ll sleep with a stranger”

LITTERBUG JITTERBUG

 

Discarded from a moving car

The litter travels very far

Each piece small or big

Performs a little merry jig

Each windblown piece at play

Participates in the ballet

Plastic bags float with ease

Waltzing high upon the breeze

Sweet papers flutter

Down in the gutter

Coke cans or maybe tango

Dance the tin can fandango

While larger papers jitterbug

Thanks to the litterbug

BAD RECEPTION

 

You sit in reception

A vacuous bimbo

Reading your mag

And thinking of bingo

 

You read your magazine

Quite empty headed

Smiling at men

Who’d have you bedded

 

If you could read our minds

What images you’d see

Vividly depicted scenes

Of lust and debauchery

 

You would be employed

For a very different job

With balls on your chin

And a nob in your gob

 

The men in the pinstripe

Would have you promoted

If you allowed yourself

To be spit roasted

 

The delivery driver with

“a package for yer”

Would like to bend you over

The photo copier

 

Even the women

Of the other persuasion

View you in their fantasies

Being used for perversions

 

As for myself you would see

Your bountiful naked bod

Breathless and panting

Riding my rod

 

It’s safer if you remain

A vacuous bimbo

Reading your mag

And thinking of bingo

 

 

This poem was inspired by a particularly unhelpful, vacuous and obnoxious receptionist in Sheffield whose complete disinterest in anything but her magazine led me to compose this ode, fuelled merely by spite and malice.

I would like to apologize in advance to the large body of very efficient, helpful and largely sexually unattractive receptionists up and down the country.

TECHNICAL TIP

 

This is a technical tip so listen to it

Absorb it and assimilate it

If it’s wet you may dry it

If it's dirty you may clean it,

If it squeaks you may oil it,

But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!

TAKING ISSUE

 

I am a very lucky man

To have her as my wife

And I think she thinks the same

About having me in her life

 

There are only two things

With which she takes issue

That’s everything I say

And everything that I do

STRESSED OUT

 

Is your life hard?

Do you feel stressed out?

Do, the do’s and don’ts

Make you scream and shout

To change things around

There is no doubt

That ice-cream and cake

Will turn your stress about

For if you turn Stressed around

Then Desserts is spelled out