FROM THE OLD

 

From the old,

The sick,

And the weary,

To the young,

The active,

And the teary

One thing I’ve come to know.

Is everyone loves the snow

CAREFULLY CRAFTED

 

A carefully crafted snowman

Round and fat

Sits on the front lawn

Wearing Daddies hat

THE NIGHT OUT

 

I’d been to some bars

And drunk a few jars

And while I was there

I became the worse for wear

When my double vision

Started causing derision

And tired of the scoff

I took myself off

To be greeted at home

By a malevolent gnome

The bane of my life

My diminutive wife

But when I was drunk

I wasn’t afraid of the skunk

Her anger I would dismiss

And bring her round with a kiss

But my advance was declined

Which I thought was unkind

I thought I would rise above

Her rejection of my love

But despite my attempt

To show her contempt

She still wouldn’t let me in

I thought in may be the Gin

So I used reasoning

Without any seasoning

But what I said to her

Just came out as a slur

Then she angrily said

“Go and sleep in the shed”

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

 

Whenever my wife fills in a form for me

And it asks who to notify in an emergency

She always writes down her name, what for?

I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor

TGIF

 

I have just looked at the clock

And it’s left me feeling great

It’s 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon

Or what I like to call the home straight

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

 

A pub landlord

Is just a pharmacist

With a more limited

Inventory list

911

I had just ordered my dream car

The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own

So, I contacted all my friends

By text on my mobile phone

“Can’t wait for the new 911”

As simple as that, just the job

An hour later the door was kicked in

By the anti-terrorist squad