SAD SANTA

 

Santa Claus is depressed

Its declining standards you see

The naughty list is now so long

It needs storing electronically

Whereas the good list has shrunk

And now fits on a sheet of A3

I USED MY FIRE STICK TO ORDER A HAMPER

 

I used my Fire Stick to order a hamper

Something much admired by my wife

At the festive time of year that pleases

On arrival I found the box contained

Our infant saviour so I loudly exclaimed

“Bloody hell Alexa I said Baby Cheeses”

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – UNDERCOVER LOVER

 

Workaholic FBI agent Jake Cunningham (Shawn Christian) fears his case against investment fraudster Scott Shift (Cameron Bancroft) may not stick without the testimony of cocktail waitress Brandi O'Neill (Jami Gertz), who naively believed herself to be more then Scott's latest throwaway flirt.

 

Then Jake is tricked by his “Ma”, Anne Cunningham (Tyne Daly) to spend Christmas with his “seriously ill” dad, Judge Joe Cunningham (Winston Rekert) and is ordered by his bosses to take Brandi into protective custody.

Jake didn’t regularly visit his family, so he passed off Brandi as his steady date and his mum is not impressed and there follows a humorous posh versus working class seasonal culture clash, but there is a dark side to the tale when Jakes dad discovers the true identity of his girlfriend and sympathizes with the Shift family and unwittingly informs the corrupt family lawyer of her location.

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS TIGHTS?

 

Are you wearing Xmas tights?

Oh how they are exciting me

Adorned with a festive motif

What a Christmas this will be

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

 

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw him

You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer

Laugh and call him awful names

And they leave poor Rudolph

To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve

Santa’s heard to say: 

If you give up the cocaine

You might pull may sleigh again

 

But all the reindeer knew him

And his love for nose candy

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Santa’s little coke junkie

SANTA’S TOYS

 

When Santa was a boy

No bigger than an elf

He was in the workshop

Making toys himself

But he has no time now

For making his own toys

Because he’s out delivering

To all the girls and boys

CHRISTMAS AGAIN

 

The advent candle is lit again

The Christmas cards are writ again

Beneath the tree gifts sit again

We’ve overspent a bit again

 

The Christmas table is set again

Our loved ones are met again

We drink a toast of wet again

And say merry Christmas yet again