It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had
been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the
morning service the waiting minister
Was
eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The
clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t
suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer
replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one
cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”
My mum got me a jumper
That fits
what it touched
My sister
got me novelty socks
That didn’t
cost very much
My dad got
me a Philishave
To shave
between my spots
My Nan got
me a scarf
And a box
of jelly tots
But it’s
the identity
That I
would like to know
Of who got
me the condoms
Tied up
with a bow
The three wise men
Traveled
for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived
after the birth
They stood
and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt
reverently in the lords presence
Then gave
their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three
wise women
Would have
stopped to ask directions
And arrived
before the birth
They would
have delivered the baby
Then they
would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before
giving the baby really useful gifts
Tis the festive season
Of goodwill
and reason
For the
politically correct
The
dithering and the direct
For the
clubs and the cliques
And tedious
control freaks
For the
anal retentive's
And their
many representatives
For council
house yobs
And the
inverted snobs
Those with
professional jobs
And
intellectual snobs
For the
easily offended
And the
over complicated
For the
vile and the venomous
The overt
and the anonymous
Snake in
the grass vipers
And Back
stabbing snipers
To the
tarts and the vicars
And those
in disposable knickers
For all
poetry scrawlers
And the
unpleasant name callers
For the
narrowly minded
And those
with axes grinded
For the
loud minority
And the
silent majority
For blondes
and brunettes
And all
lads and laddettes
Those
pierced and tattooed
And the
prim and the lewd
For the
bright and the bland
And the
humble and the grand
For those
who are pretentious
And the
liberal consensus
Every class
hew and breed
Every
persuasion and creed
Whether
ungifted or artistic
And the
mentally arthritic
For the
first and the last
And sense
of humour bypassed
For those
with rhyme and reason
So in the
spirit of the season
Now the
year is nearly done
Merry
Christmas everyone
A young man called Paul
Wanted to
buy a present
For his new
sweetheart Maria
As a
Christmas present
As they’d
not been dating
For a very
long duration
He decided
to purchase
After
careful consideration
A nice pair
of gloves
striking the right note
Not too
romantic or personal
So the
gloves got his vote
Accompanied
by Maria’s sister
He went to
Harrods and bought
A dainty
pair of white gloves
“She will
like these” he thought
Maria’s
sister Susan bought
A pair of
panties for herself
But during
the wrapping
An error
was made on the shelf
The
assistant mixed up
The gloves
and the panties
The sister
got the gloves
And Maria
got the scanties
Without
checking Paul sealed
The package
along with a note
And sent it
to his sweetheart
And this is
what he wrote
Dear Maria, I chose these
As I
noticed my darling
That you
don’t wear any
When we go
out in the evening.
If not for
your sister Susan
I would
have got long ones
The type
with the buttons,
But Susan
wears short ones
That are
easier to remove.
They are a
delicate shade,
But the
shop assistant
where the purchase was made
Showed me
the pair she has
That she’d
been wearing
and were hardly soiled
After three
weeks wearing
I had her
try yours on for me
And she
looked really chic
Even though
they were
Tight on
her a little bit.
She told me
that her pair
Helps to
keep her ring
Clean and
shiny, and in fact
And this is
interesting
Since she’d
begun wearing them.
It hadn’t
needed washing
I really
hope you like them
And wish I were
there with you
To put them
on you Maria
for the first time I really do
As no doubt
many other hands
Will have
touched them
Before I
see you again
Remember
when you remove them
To blow
into them before
Putting
them away and drying
As they
will naturally be
A little
damp from wearing
Just think
how many times
My lips
will kiss them
during the coming year.
I hope you
will wear them
For me on
Friday night
All my love Paul till then
P.S. The
latest style
Which
appears to be growing
Is to wear
them folded down
With a
little fur showing
Now once more
The year
has turned
The advent
candle
Long since
burned
Hearts
darken
As we count
the cost
And the season’s
spirit
Is all now
lost
But it need
not
All be dark
and gloom
Light can
again
Illuminate
the room
So here is
a philosophy
For all of
us
God is for
life
Not just
for Christmas
“Die Hard
2: Die Harder” is an action thriller, screenplay by Doug Richardson and Steven
E. de Souza from the Novel by Walter Wager, and Directed by Renny Harlin.
The sequel
to Die Hard follows on from the terrifying events in Los Angeles, NYPD cop John
McClane (Bruce Willis) is about to go through it all again as he goes on
another Christmas vacation to meet his wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) and he is in
Washington where he is at the airport meeting Holly off the LA flight.
But while
he is waiting, a team of terrorists, led by Col. Stuart (William Sadler), holds
the entire airport hostage, while they plan to rescue a drug Lord, Esperanza
(Franco Nero) from justice.
As part of
that plan they have seized control of all the control systems affecting all
aircraft, with no runway lights available, and no means to contact them, all
aircraft have to remain in the air, with fuel running low, so if McClane is
going to save the day again he will need to be fast.
It’s
another great action thriller with Willis still at the top of his game.
