MY GIRLFRIEND WAS SACKED AS MODEL

 

My girlfriend was sacked as model

Because her popularity decreased

She was actually an underwear model

So she was more accurately, debriefed

A NEW BROOM SWEEPS CLEAN

 

A new broom sweeps clean

Is the old modest declaration

A new broom in today’s parlance

Would be sweeping the nation

IT’S OFFENSIVE TO OBJECTIFY

 

It’s offensive to objectify, even if it’s only sauce

What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce?

What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?

DON'T LOOK FOR A PARTNER WHO IS EYE CANDY

 

Don't look for a partner who is eye candy

It’s not about the way someone is viewed

The thing to do for a happy life together

Is to look for a partner who is soul food

I JUST WALKED INTO MY BEDROOM

 

I just walked into my bedroom,

Which was littered with crap

And tripped over a discarded bra

I was floored by my own booby trap

TESTING SEX

 

At the end of the day

The teacher announces

“There is a test tomorrow

I will accept few excuses”

“Only a nuclear war,

Death or a serious injury

To yourself or one of

Your immediate family”

One smart ass inquired

By way of an interruption

“What if I’m suffering?

From total sexual exhaustion”

There was a lot of laughter

The teacher just smiled

Then she said to the student

“Write with your other hand”

Uncanny Tales – (48) The Near Miss

 

It was a terrifying moment when the world seemed to revert to slow motion, and I thank God for that because had it not I would have killed him.

I was on my way home in the early evening gloom of a December day, it was slow progress as it had been for months due to major road works in the town and I had sat through two light change sequences before my journey finally got underway.

Well when I say “I was on my way home” I was actually on my way to pick up my wife Tina first which is why I was driving down Maybury Road, which was a single track, one way street running parallel with the railway line from Sheerwater into Woking Town Centre, a road which is heavily tree lined along the railway side and predominantly terraced housing on the other.

It’s quite a long stretch of road and runs as straight as an arrow and under normal circumstances such a stretch of road might tempt you into excessive speed.

However running on the left hand side of Maybury Road is a cycle lane and on the right intermittently  parked cars which narrow the road dramatically and this combined with very poor lighting and a significant number of side roads a cautious 20 to 25 mph was the order of the day.

So, it was under the afore mentioned conditions that I proceeded along Maybury Road towards Woking Town centre.

I had just about reached halfway when I saw a well-equipped cyclist ahead of me in the cycle lane and I slowed to 15 mph as I passed it, leaving as much room as was possible given the parked cars on the off side.

I safely passed the cyclist and was just beginning to think about increasing my speed but instead I took my foot off the gas as I neared the rear end of a parked Ford Transit van and just as I did so, another cyclist appeared from the darkness heading straight for me.

He had been riding along the pavement when a number of pedestrians inconveniently blocked his path, so he swerved out into the road and straight into my path.

He was dressed in dark clothing and the bike had no lights, so he was almost invisible, and I only spotted him at the very last second as the van had turned on his lights.

I slammed on the brakes and slewed the car sideways so my front-end way blocking the cycle lane, fortunately the bike I had passed had not caught me up.

The whole incident took little more than a second yet seemed to run in slow motion, I think if it hadn’t, I would have him.

Of course, time didn’t really slow down it was just the way my brain processed it.

I missed hitting the hapless bike rider by the width of a bike wheel and we finished up with him sandwiched between me and the van.

But quite unperturbed he picked up his bike and wriggled between me and the van and was quickly on his way.

I on the other hand just sat where I had come to a stop with my heart pounding in my chest.

My hands gripping the steering wheel so tight my knuckles were white, and there I sat until I heard a tapping on my passenger door window

“Are you alright?” A muffled voice asked

I wound down the window

“Are you alright?” The voice asked again

It was the girl on the bike I had overtaken a minute or so earlier

“Yes” I replied “it just took my breath away”

“Bloody idiot” she said

“That’s a bit harsh” I thought to myself as I didn’t do anything wrong

“Its idiots like that that give us cyclists a bad name” she said indignantly, and she gave me a smile and was on her way.

Just at that moment the driver behind me sounded his horn which brought me out of my torpor, and I drove off.

When I met Tina outside her building, I got in the passenger side and let her drive.

I recounted the story of what had happened and then reflected on what might have been.

Had I not backed off the gas when I did, or had the van not turned on his lights when it did it may have been a tragedy rather than an anecdote.