SAVING DONKEYS

 

I made a huge donation

To a Donkey Charity

As they were being abused

At the donkey spanktuary

WE WANTED TO SPICE UP THE SEX

 

We wanted to spice up the sex,

Which, is more exciting than it sounds

As my girlfriend scratches during sex

Last night she won ten pounds

TODAY I CAUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND

 

Today I caught my Girlfriend

Having a solo liaison

Using a vibrator, in absolute silence

I thought “that’s not on”

THERE IS A PREMIER SAUSAGE COMPETITION

 

There is a premier sausage competition

And much interest in who would come first

There were very many different categories

The Best German sausage was the Wurst

I SPOKE TO DIANA ROSS

 

I spoke to Diana Ross

Several times on the mobile

But I didn’t want her

Dyno-Rod was what I dialled

Uncanny Tales – (046) The April Showers

 

The lightning struck, intensely bright, followed in almost the same instance by the thunderclap directly overhead, so loud that it shook the car and then the rain began and fell heavily in large drops beating a frantic tune on the car roof, then almost as quickly as the dark skies arrived, they were gone and the sun was out again, although it was a few moments before the April shower stopped completely and a rainbow appeared in the sky.

We were parked by the village green, which was patterned with strips of freshly cut grass and when we got out of the car the mixture of sun, rain and cut grass produced a smell that was quite intoxicating.

We locked the car and headed down the lane and as if the switch on a great sound system had been flicked on, the bird life in the trees bordering the green exploded into a cacophony of sound as they emerged from their shelters to go about their spring business.

We turned off the lane into the woods where nature and man had both left their mark.

The areas that had once been coppiced or pollarded now went their own way and the woods were full of life.

On the borders of the woods the old cut and lay hedge and the ancient hedgerows along the lanes teamed with a great abundance of life of all kinds.

A sobering reflection on this idyllic scene is that all the visible life was either predator or prey but that did not detract from its beauty in fact it enhanced it if anything.

However the skies darkened again and the rain started to fall and we had to make a dash for the car, but by the time we reached the car we were soaked to the skin and we quickly scrabbled into the car as if fearful we would get even wetter if indeed that were even possible.

Just as I closed the door the lightning struck again and then the thunder shook the car violently once more.

What a wonderful and remarkable time spring is wherever you are but in the British Isles the unpredictability transforms, almost in a heartbeat, from tranquillity to chaos and back again, and you know I don’t think I would want to live anywhere else.

SHE WANTED HIM TO TURN THE LIGHT OUT

She wanted him to turn the light out

While he made love to her

But he refused to do it because

He was the lighthouse keeper