IF IT’S A GIRL

 

My waters have gone

The happy event is near

And as for the name

I’m still not clear

Is it a boy or a girl?

I don’t know that even

But if it is a girl

What to name her then

Certainly, nothing old

Not Gladys or Violet

Mum wants Mary or Eve

Or named for Aunty Margaret

And nothing contemporary

Not Sharon or Tracy

Nor Danni or Kylie

And not Karen or Stacy

Nothing stolen from Disney

Like Thumper or Bambi

Not Tramp or Lady

Or Mickey or Minnie

And nothing silly

Like Fawn or Fern

Nothing misspelled

Like Cyndy or Dorne

Something original

To make a statement

To make heads turn

Something different

So, for a girl how about

Distemper or Chlamydia

Ozone, Prozac, or Henna

Euthanasia or Lobelia

So many to choose from

How to pick one over another?

But I think as I am a model

Its Anorexia or Bulimia

THE UNHOLY TRINITY

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when Ben

Doesn’t listen to advice

Goes his own way

And then in the end,

Does what I suggested anyway

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when Josh leave’s something at school

His jumper, his shirt, his shoes

Yesterday it was his P.E. kit

Today he lost a shoelace

Tomorrow will be something else.

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when Sam has a paddy

Stamping his feet

Banging the floor with his fists

And blames everyone,

Except himself

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when a constant stream

Of your friends ring the doorbell

Seemingly endlessly

A dozen times in an afternoon

Every afternoon

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you misplace reading books

Or homework or letters from school

And I have to search

And I find them

Where I told you to look

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you don’t shut doors

Or cupboards

Or drawers

You don’t hang your coats up

Or put your slippers on

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you leave

Dirty sports kit in your schoolbag

And half a sandwich in your lunch box

When you want to go outside when it’s raining

And watch TV when it’s sunny

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you leave clothes on the floor

School bags in the hall

Coats on the sofa

Shoes on the stairs

Sock’s everywhere

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when I have to wake you up

Every school day morning

And you wake up at six am

On Saturday and Sunday

And you wake me up as well

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you won’t go to sleep at night

When you mess about and talk

Or when you bicker and fight

And when you’re told to stop

You say OK and carry on

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you leave lights on in every room

Or you leave the TV on

The computer and the PS2

And you’re all playing football

Outside with your friends

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you have a bath or shower

And there’s more water on the floor

Than there is in the bath

And you leave wet towels on the floor

And the soap in the bath

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when I shout at you

It’s not that I don’t love you

But the Wisdom of Solomon

And the patience of Job

Sometimes just aren’t enough

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do.

CURSOR

A cursor is not an, it

But they are personages

Someone who swears

At error messages

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 10

 

To any problem no matter how difficult

There is the very simplest solution

If only you could be bothered to search

This will turn out to be the wrong option

SO SUPERIOR # 1

The great thing about being

Superior to foreigners

Is not indulging in ritual

Stoning of adulterers

CLEAR RICHARD

To clear the men’s lavatory

Two words will do the trick

Just walk slowly and look

Then simply say “nice dick”

CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY – THE CRETAN BULL

 

As a punishment for not making a promised sacrifice to the Olympian god

The Cretan Bull a majestic creature was sent up to Crete by Poseidon

It impregnated Pasiphae the wife of King Minos producing the Minotaur

After it was captured by Heracles it was slain by Theseus at Marathon