Friday, 2 April 2021

HOOCH HAZE

 

The day began in a fog both of the meteorological sort and of the mind as a result of excess of the local brew apply known as brain damage.

The august sun very quickly burnt off the fog but had little or no effect on his alcohol induced mussiness.

His mouth was dry and furry and his eyes itched.

He felt like something was alive and crawling through his intestines and his head throbbed with every beat of his heart.

Then as he looked at the stranger with the bloodshot eyes staring back at him from the bathroom mirror, he uttered those immortal words “never again”.

And he meant it then most sincerely because he felt so awful but by the day after tomorrow it will just be an unpleasant memory.

When he was a teenager, he would get bladdered and next morning his hangover would only last a little over an hour and then he would be back in the pub at lunchtime.

When he was in his 20’s it would last an hour longer in his thirties he would forget the lunchtime session but be banging on the door at five.

Now he was in his late forties his hangover lasted all day and sometimes even two.

But still they would go eventually so even when he said “never again” at the time he knew that he would still have the fun and face the consequences.

LIGHT QUESTION

 

Why is there a light

In my fridge geezer

But I don’t have one

Inside the freezer

AA

Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous

when the first thing they make you do

Is stand up in front of everyone and say

I am an alcoholic and my name is Sue

TWO WAY FAMILY FAVOURITES

 

My wife isn’t very keen on a 69

If I suggest it, she turns me down flat

What she really prefers is a 99

Because you get a flake with that

HI BROW?

The fashionable study

Of modern philosophy

Just lets us be unhappy

More intelligently

MNSTROINEE

 

Just answer me this one

At any rate

Is alphabet soup wasted?

On the illiterate

Thursday, 1 April 2021

THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 03: THE CERYNITIAN HIND

 

Heracles when driven mad by the goddess Hera

Murdered his three children and his wife Megara

The Delphic oracle punished him for the murders

By ordering him to perform the Twelve Labors

The labors were set by king Eurystheus his cousin

Capturing a beast was the next labor he was given

He spent the next year hunting the Cerynitian hind

In Arcadia near the Ladon River it was there to find

The Cerynitian hind was a fleet-footed female deer

Who had golden horns and ran faster than a spear

The hind was sacred to goddess of the hunt Artemis

So Heracles dared not wound it and so dare not miss

So between tendons and bones he aimed with his bow

Pinning its legs without drawing blood with his arrow

Artemis was displeased but Heracles appeased her

Simply by blaming king Eurystheus his taskmaster