WILDE ABOUT OSCAR

To compensate him for what he is not

Imagination is a quality given to a man

And a sense of humour was provided then

To console him for what he is – poor man

INTOXICATING READING

When I found myself reading

About the evils of drinking

You might well be thinking

That I would give up drinking

But after careful considering

I decided to give up reading

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD, THE HANGING GARDENS OF BABYLON

 

If you asked anyone to name the seven wonders it is highly unlikely that they will be able to do so, but the majority will manage to name the hanging gardens of Babylon.

What makes that fact all the more remarkable is that the hanging gardens are the only wonder we have yet to locate.

It’s believed to have been on the east bank of the River Euphrates, approximately 30 miles to the south of Baghdad in modern Iraq but as yet archaeologists have failed to agree on its exact location.

There are some who go as far as to say the hanging gardens never existed but were instead figments of the imagination of Greek poets written on the back of tales from travellers and soldiers who had never set eyes upon such fertile land as Mesopotamia.

Even Babylonian writings from the time make no mention of their existence.

 

The Babylonian kingdom flourished for over a thousand years, but it was during the Neo-Babylonian dynasty that the Mesopotamian civilization reached its zenith.

It was during the rule of Nebuchadnezzar that the gardens are supposed to have been built and Nebuchadnezzar himself is credited with their conception although even this is disputed in some quarters.

The story goes that Nebuchadnezzar had the gardens built in around 600 BC to please his homesick wife who missed the mountain surroundings of her homeland.

The exact description of the gardens varies from account to account, but the gist seems to be an enormous multi-tiered structure generally square and supported from beneath by vast pillars and vaulted arches.

On the tiers were planted trees and plants of every kind as well as large, grassed areas and such was the irrigation system fed by pumped water from the river Euphrates that the grass was always green and the trees always in leaf.

ERNEST FRANK’S PEPPERSTOCK PERIODICALS PART 3, WOBBLY BOB AND POISONED IVY

 

The station hotel as I think I have mentioned before is a popular spot for the strange, disenchanted locals.

Some of them are obviously stranger than others.

Now one of the regulars is Wobbly Bob.

It’s funny how nicknames come about but sometimes they don’t tell the whole story and sometimes give entirely the wrong impression. Wobbly Bob had no wobbly characteristics at all.

He was not so called because he was wobbly in the literal sense, he never wobbled, as he wasn’t big or round or obese.

On the contrary he’s small and thin in fact almost emaciated.

He was called Wobbly Bob because he was of a nervous disposition in fact, he was scared of everything.

If he stepped on a squeaky floorboard he would jump in the air in fright.

He was afraid to go to sleep in case he didn’t wake up.

He was afraid of going outside in the fresh air because there was so much of it.

Any form of transport Car, bus, train or plane filled him with dread in case they crashed.

Microwaves scared him because he was afraid of being irradiated.

Food terrified him because of additives and e numbers, cancer causing pesticides or genetically modified organisms.

He feared the sunlight in case he got skin cancer and the dark because the bogey man might get him.

Bob was never seen without gloves on even in summer.

He also had the usual phobias like heights, enclosed spaces and insects as well as some more obscure ones like Cupboards, drawing pins, sticky tape and newspapers.

So you might wonder why someone so terrified of everything would take himself in to a smoke filled bar and drink alcohol.

Poisoned Ivy is the answer.

He would dice with death in the smoky bar every night just to be close to Ivy.

Under his arm he carried in a plastic bag his own mug, sterilised, which he presented to the landlord who filled it to the brim with the local real ale Dappled Dog.

Why did he risk poisoning himself with local brew when he was terrified of everything else?

Dutch courage, without a pint or two of Dutch courage he would never have spoken to Ivy he would have been too scared.

This ritual had been going on for five years.

Poisoned ivy is not as her name might suggest, poisonous.

She is however not very friendly she never smiles and rarely speaks but when she does it is invariably unpleasant and sometimes quite venomous.

She always sat in the same place at the bar and woe betides anyone who sat in her seat.

Ivy, when roused had a look that could curdle milk and had been known to stare with such intensity so as to stop traffic.

But despite her unfriendly disposition she was a very generous woman and always put her hand in her pocket for any good cause without being asked. If she didn’t no stranger would ever ask her.

Things are very seldom as they appear, and Ivy is no exception.

It’s true to say that she did not have a very sunny disposition, but her poisonous outer shell was merely protection against a cruel world.

On one particular night Wobbly Bob had one more pint of Dappled Dog more than his usual and when he had all but finished this extra beverage, he leant his head towards Ivy and spoke at length in her ear.

After he had finished, he straightened up and shuffled uneasily.

Then Ivy, Not known to laugh looked at Bob and appeared to smile.

It wasn’t obviously that she was smiling it could have been a combination of poor lighting and too many pickled onion crisps.   

But she was smiling and while the whole bar was looking on Ivy finished her drink and smiling again left the bar with Bob at her side.

I couldn’t help thinking that she’s bound to make him take his gloves off and he would have to get over his fear of confined spaces pretty quick.

WAS JOHN HURT?

 

Did anyone watch as John Wells?

Does anyone know what Chris Sells?

I’m interested to know does Beryl Reid?

Do you have any idea did Johnny Seed?

I wonder if is it true is Richard Curt?

Has anyone heard was John Hurt?

Does anyone know will Steve Cram?

Tell me exactly what would Sujit Ram?

 

Would anyone know would Harcourt Brace?

I often wonder could Christopher Trace?

Precisely how far will Chris Reech?

Exactly what knowledge can Bill Teach?

Did anyone solve the Nelson Riddle?

I wish you could have seen Ricardo Fidel?

Do you would concur is Nathan Sweete?

Have you just walked down Daniel Street?

 

Does anyone know what does Jane Ayre?

I don’t know what could George Wehr?

I have often wondered will Jenifer Rush?

Do you know for a fact, does Basil Brush?

Does anyone know is Jane Gray?

I didn’t ever think id hear Sasha Bray?

What was the nature of what James Mayde?

And exactly how far did Virginia Wade?

 

Does anyone know what made Brian Wilde?

Would anyone know was Karl Mild?

Why are you shouting, is Nicky Lauda?

Would anyone know was Cynthia Prouder?

I have often wondered will Steve Wynn?

Now tell me the truth did Pearl Sinn?

Did anyone hear when Samantha Sang?

I couldn’t miss hearing Molly Bang

EXCUSE ME MISS

 

Sam asked a question of his teacher

He asked it of the stern Miss Meacher

You wouldn’t punish me, would you?

For something that I did not do

Of course, not boy, answered Miss

Spitting the reply out with a hiss

That’s a relief he began to explain

As I didn't do my homework again

APPEAR EDUCATED

Women it is said

Pay far more attention

To their appearance

Than to their education

They don’t care about

Improving the mind

For many men are stupid

But very few are blind