Halloween Tales 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Halloween sweater?
It’s a bit cute and pretty in my view
So if you don’t mind my saying so
You’re not a proper witch are you?

I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are Devilled

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH JUMPER?

Are you wearing a ghoulish Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
I don’t think you’re one of those kooks
And that’s a lovely pair of spooks

I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL

I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny little witch
With the reputation for being
A bit of a thorny little bitch
She mellowed to me in my bed
And I was left with a horny itch

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Halloween earrings?
They rather fill me with dread?
Please answer me one question
Are they real shrunken heads?

THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS

The three foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TIE?

Are you wearing a Halloween tie?
If that’s what it’s supposed to be
Well what is it if it’s not a tie?
Oh god it’s alive and wriggly

DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL

Dark monsters from the pits of hell
Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell
Witch or warlock cast a withering spell
All answering the ring of the Halloween bell

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPED STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing striped stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like necrotic candy canes

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN DRESS?

Are you wearing a Halloween Dress?
Well it’s really just a black shapeless thing
But I suppose it’s all right as it goes
If I get to find out what’s under the thing

A Little Bit Of Humour # 108

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11

The golden beach was outside the hotel
Which was really handy
But although it looked like the brochure
The beach was too sandy

DINKY IS AN ACRONYM

DINKY is an acronym for
“Double income no kits yet”
And Dinky’s are really as
Smug as it’s possible to get

NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION

No matter your persuasion
Sex is not the answer
Sex is actually the question
And “Yes” is the answer

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED

The primary school teacher asked
Name something we have today Ellie
That we didn’t have ten years ago
Ellie replied immediately, “Me”

IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT

If the Neverland government
Hadn’t cut his disability
Captain Hook would never
Have turned to piracy?

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

They are planning a remake
Of the classic “the railway children”
But it’s a low budget version
Called the bus replacement children

THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR

There was uproar at the bazaar
In fact it was a little bizarre
When the face painting artist
Turned out to be a Surrealist

APPARENTLY NIGERIA IS NOW POLO FREE

Apparently Nigeria is now polo free
So that’s deserves congratulations
But to be honest I didn’t think
They were one of the equestrian nations

LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY

She said “Let’s try role play
My dirty little mister”
“Ok” he agreed “I’ll be me
And you can be your sister”

WE CAN MAKE LOVE

“We can make love” she said
Suggestively more and more
But I ignored her and put vole
On a triple word score

A Little Bit Of Humour # 107

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD #10

While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again

NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM

NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard

ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS

On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”

THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM

They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo

I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL

I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS

Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade

MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS

My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser

SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY

She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon

WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL

When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised

THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED

The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up

A Little Bit Of Humour # 106

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 9

When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes

BANANA IS AN ACRONYM

BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO

I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me

I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad

ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?

“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”

WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY

Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal

NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL

Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night

CORBYN!

Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga

A Little Bit Of Humour # 105

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 8

We had to line up outside
To catch the sightseeing boat
And there was no air-conditioning
Not even when we got afloat

ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM

ADIDAS is an acronym for
"All day I dream about sex"
And by the time I get to bed
I’m suffering from the effects

IT’S TEN YEARS, ALMOST TO THE DAY

Its ten years, almost to the day
Since I decided to marry my wife
And marrying her was the last
Decision I made in my life

PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE

Perception and perspective
That’s life and all about it
Although I suppose it would
Depend on how you look at it

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM

I wanted to write a book about feminism
About women achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn't let me

THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS

The wearing of odd coloured socks
Is considered quirky by the youth
For adulthood it’s a bit hipster
But for seniors its dementia in truth

THERE MIGHT WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There might well be, as they say
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a soul
I'm left holding my pole

A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED

A major new Biopic is planned
So British film fans stand by
It is about Greggs the Bakers
It will be called “The Life of Pie”

TO MANY THE TIME ARRIVES

To many the time arrives
To take stock of their lives
But it’s nothing I condone
So leave your livestock alone

THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW

The brick road is yellow
In Oz because, because
Of the insanitary habits
Of the Wizzer of Oz

A Little Bit Of Humour # 104

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 7

When we were in Spain there
Were a lot of foreigner there
And they all spoke Spanish
Which I don’t think is fair

WASP IS AN ACRONYM

WASP is an acronym for
"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant"
The target demographic for UKIP
And Nigel Farage has their scent

I WAS CAMPING OUT AT THE WEEKEND

I was camping out at the weekend
In the evergreen forests of Caledonia
But I was confused when I discovered
The pine trees smelt of air freshener

I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW

I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow
Just another boring gardening talk
But I was wrong, it was totally enthralling
Next week’s position is the crab walk

I VISITED NIGEL FARAGE’S GARDEN

I visited Nigel Farage’s garden
Well it was hardly National Trust
The patch of lawn was really shit
But the borders were very robust

MY GARDENER HAS OCD

My gardener has OCD
His herb beds are alphabetized
I asked how he found the time
“It’s next to the Sage” he replied

MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM

My sister is a giant in journalism
And her prowess is eternal
Standing over six feet high
She’s on the Tall Street Journal

WHY ARE PIDGEON’S GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS?

Why are Pidgeon’s great baseball players?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well it’s obvious when you think about it
It’s because they always make it home

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT INDEPENDENCE

I wanted to write a book about independence
About people achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my mum wouldn't let me

WE HAVE TWO THINGS IN OUR TOWN

We have two things in our town
Pharmaceuticals and Speedway
The latter has fast and furious thrills
But they don’t use bikes by the way

A Little Bit Of Humour # 103

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes

BOOF IS AN ACRONYM

BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start

VAGAZZLING

Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay

I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE

I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating

IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL

It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1

I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport