Christmas Stocking Fillers # 2

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1

Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings

MERRY BELLS

Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

CHRISTMAS BOX

A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”

We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry

SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS

Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!

MINCE PIES FULL

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason

REINDEER TURN

Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS BELLS

Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season

CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)

Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1

For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER

The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

A Little Bit Of Humour # 71

ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY

On holiday in the West Country,
During a recreational pursuit
I discovered that Plymouth Hoe
Was not a Devonian Prostitute

PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"

Playing "La Cucaracha"
I hear the chimes call
Come get our hot food
Come one and come all
It’s the cockroach song
Is no one concerned at all?

IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING

“It’s your own time you’re wasting”
But no one listens to the teacher
So when option time came around
I went and signed up for media

IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL

In the corridors at my school
We were allowed to run
There was a simple explanation,
We didn’t have a gymnasium

SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY

Something happened at school today
Which has shaken us up a bit
We had an issue with the register
As two of our teachers were on it

I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE

I can say from experience
Marriage is in no way like prison
And the reason I say that
Is you get far more sex in prison

DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY

My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything fatty
What he meant by that was
Don’t eat anything, fatty

MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE

My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned
And we have come to the decision
That we should have him sectioned

IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL

If you want to score at school
Then the person to see
To fulfil all your needs
Is the supply teacher obviously

HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?

Have you had an accident?
That you have not recovered from
And has changed your life?
Well next time use a condom

MARRIED FOR TWELVE YEARS

When I said I’d been married for twelve years
My best mate laughed himself in to tears
“You’d have got less for murder” He said flat
“No I wouldn’t” I said “I already thought of that”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 70

ARE YOU WEARING A PARTY HAT?

Are you wearing a party hat?
As it’s a Thanksgiving hat
And the family is all together
I will give thanks for that

I HAVE A VERY POLITE DOCTOR

I have a very polite doctor,
Nice to the point of folly
He won’t tell me I’m obese
He says I’m morbidly jolly

WHEN THE WINE BOX IS EMPTY

When the wine box is empty
I am one of the thorough types
I rip open the cardboard
To reveal the Pinots tripe’s
And squeeze it dry as I play
The alcoholics bagpipes

I LIVE IN A SMALL WINDMILL

I live in a small windmill
I’ve never lived in one before
It’s in a little seaside town
On the promenade by the shore
It’s nice, apart from the golf balls
That keep coming thru the door

WE HAVE A NEW MARKET IN TOWN

We have a new market in town
And they do Korean street food
One customer ordered poodle noodles
Which I thought was quite rude

THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES

There would be more reserves
Remaining in the North Sea
If the Scots didn’t have
Such a deep frying tendency

WHEN I SAW MR MESSI PLAY

When I saw Mr Messi play
I was disappointed I must say
I had to take a second look
But he was nothing like in the book

EVERY WEEKEND IN ESSEX-LAND

Every weekend in Essex-land
Daddies precious little petal
Gets off her tits and tanked up
On gallons of Princess Petrol

WINE BOXES AREN’T FOR THE SNOBS

Wine boxes aren’t for the snobs
But what makes them unwhackable
Is unlike the odd shaped bottles
All the Wine boxes are stackable

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME

I never thought the day would come
In fact I would have thought it absurd
When the Football sense of “Brazilian”
Wasn’t the most popular use of the word

THE EBOLA CRISIS IS CAUSING CONCERN

The Ebola crisis is causing concern
And is causing the Americans to fret
And what the people want to know
Is why aren’t their troops there yet

Halloween Tales 2014

ARE YOU WEARING GOBLIN EARS?

Are you wearing Goblin Ears?
As someone’s Halloween treat
I would just ask you one thing
Do you also have hairy feet?

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOST OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a ghost outfit?
I know it’s only a white sheet or too
But if I let you scare me once or twice
Then can I put the willies up you

SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN

Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as this Halloween comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Halloween game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!

ARE YOU WEARING WEREWOLF EARS?

Are you wearing Werewolf ears?
It’s an unusual look for a girl
But if you’re a bit of an animal
I’m happy to give it a whirl

ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILS TAIL?

Are you wearing a Devils Tail?
As someone’s Halloween surprise
I hope you’re as devilish as you look
And not some angel in disguise

AT THE GHOSTLY HOUSE

At the ghostly house
There is a familiar theme
Because for desert
They always have ice scream

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a ghoulish outfit?
It’s made from an old bed sheet isn’t it?
That could be useful when the fun begins
As it could cover a multitude of sins

ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILISH OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a devilish outfit?
Just the thing for a Halloween night
A real devilish red bloodied treat
All sinful red and ultra-skin tight

ALL GOOD GHOSTLY KIDS

All good ghostly kids
Are brought up good and true
And they will never spook
Until they’re spooken to

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Halloween outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

ARE YOU WEARING A FRANKENSTEIN OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Frankenstein outfit?
Well Frankenstein’s creation I’d guess
Oh you’re not wearing a mask at all
And that’s all just anaphylaxis

I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN

I buy my wife a gift for Halloween
Though not the gift giving season
Because Halloween is like Christmas
For witches and that’s the reason

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?

Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
Or is it just a kind of mirage
And did you just call that
Broom cupboard your garage

ARE YOU WEARING A DRACULA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Dracula outfit?
Well I promise not to put up a fight
And at the end of the Halloween party
I will let you have more than bite

A Little Bit Of Humour # 69

I’M NOT A CLOSET RACIST

I’m not a closet racist
I keep on telling her
Just because I dislike
The people of Narnia

WE WENT TO A POSH NEW RESTAURANT

We went to a posh new restaurant
And the food was really trash
When we saw the astronomical bill
We did the Dine and Dash

SLEAZY POLITICIANS APPEAR IN THE TABLOIDS

Sleazy politicians appear in the tabloids
As allegations are made afresh
But they all protest their innocence
Perhaps they were just pressing the flesh

ARE YOU WEARING SATIN KNICKERS?

Are you wearing satin knickers?
What a peculiar thing to say
Of course they are sat in
No one can stand up all day

ARE THESE KNICKERS SATIN?

A woman asked “Are these knickers satin?”
To an assistant who was chattin
She replied loudly for the whole shop to view
“No of course not, they’re new”

THE GLASS CEILING HAS BEEN REMOVED

The glass ceiling has been removed
For the benefit of women everywhere
It’s a positive move long overdue
It was difficult to clean way up there

MY WIFE’S BEEN GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT

My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment
Which I have enjoyed if truth to tell
But every silver lining has a cloud
When the silence was accompanied by a smell

NIGEL FARAGE

Love him or loath him, Nigel Farage
Is strangely charismatic
In fact he’s quite a colourful character
Which in truth is ironic

MY ACUPUNCTURIST ATTACKED ME

My acupuncturist attacked me
When she proper lost her temper
She stabbed me with a needle
But you know, I’ve never felt better

MY FRIEND RAVED TO ME

My friend raved to me
About his orthopaedic shoe
But I think he built them up
Too much in my view

ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY

One in four women in this country
Are on meds for mental illness
So the rest are running around
Undiagnosed more or less

A Little Bit Of Humour # 68

ON THE QUESTION OF INDEPENDENCE

On the question of independence
This is what I truly believe
The people of England, really
Don’t care if Scotland leave

ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

On the question of Scottish independence
They’ve worded it the wrong way
Don’t ask the scots if they want to go
Ask the English if we want them to stay

THE POETIC PAM AYRES

The poetic Pam Ayres
Wrote verse with a gag
And I think she looks
Like Benny Hill in drag

THE WATER FEATURE

Running Water is so therapeutic
It seems to Wash away your cares
However the exception to the rule
Is when it’s running down the stairs

LIDL

Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors
And has been raised to the floor
To build a new Lidl superstore
Which won’t be so Lidl anymore

CHINESE FAST FOOD

We went out to pick up
A Chinese takeaway
But we were skint so we did
A Chinese Runaway

I SOLD THE VACUUM CLEANER

I sold the vacuum cleaner
I wasn’t really fussed
After all at the end of the day
It was just collecting dust

MY UNCLE COLLECTS WILD ANIMALS

My uncle collects wild animals
He’s the strangest bloke I’ve met
I offered him a really fat badger
He said no “as it didn’t fit in his set”

I SCOURED THE LATEST GLOSSY MAGS

I scoured the latest glossy mags
In search of some fashion-ism
To give some indication as to what
One wears for casual racism

I MET AN INTERESTING GIRL AT A PARTY

I met an interesting girl at a party
At first I admired her from afar
She claimed that just by knowing
The make of an individual’s car
She could discern their personality
Apparently I shouldn’t own a car

I WAS BULLIED VERY BADLY AT SCHOOL

I was bullied very badly at school
To it, my mind reluctantly returns,
I was hospitalized on one occasion
With full thickness Chinese burns