Christmas 2013 Selection Box # 1

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

A SNOWMANS TALE

When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other

He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat

A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile

Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund

I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall

CHRISTMAS

Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man

WALNUTS IN WINTER

Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils

YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE

Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT

The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear

OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING

Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide

So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
when all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so

ARE YOU WEARING RED SHOES?

Are you wearing red shoes?
And very festive they are to
And just the thing for a Christmas do

Christmas Humour Selection Box # 4

I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT

I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe

WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED

When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease

RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO

Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows

All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.

Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight

Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!

CHRISTINGLE MINGLE

It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinches intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle

HER WASSAIL

She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale

ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?

Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?

Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”

RED SUIT

Santa Claus wears his famous red suit
As down another Chimney he’ll shoot
But no one knows what’s under there
He likes dressing in Ladies underwear

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit

WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES

We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way

Christmas Humour Selection Box # 3

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table

DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS

I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot

Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot

A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
Its also nice cold on Boxing Day

TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS

Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary

MY GOOSE WAS COOKED

On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook

RED CHEEKS

Cheeks wear a rosy glow
As they play out in the snow
Making the snowman grow
Until the wind begins to blow
And they look at me and know
It’s time for a mug of cocoa

MERRY, MERRY

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES

They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing

Christmas Humour Selection Box # 2

CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER

Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things

IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll

GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT

Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley

PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season

RED VELVET

I think a velvet suit
Especially one red hued
And I must choose my words
So not to appear rude
But it’s not the most slimming
For a rather portly dude

AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH

After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad

Christmas Humour Selection Box # 1

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS

If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE

We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say

I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days

CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS

Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family

WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME

When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yewtree”

CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH

Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree

RED BIKE

One Christmas
I got a big Red Bike
With white mudguards
All new and shiny like

But alas it was gone
Again on Boxing Day
It belonged to the post office
So the police took it away

OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER

Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus

A Little Bit Of Humour # 35

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 1

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing a Piano cabaret act
On a cruise ship instead

NO DOMESTIC GODDESS

I am not by any means
A domestic goddess
To be perfectly honest
My house is a bloody mess

So by way of camouflaging
My domestic disgrace
I always keep on display
Above the fireplace

Get well soon cards
Displayed to be seen
By guests who think
I’ve been too ill to clean

WE HAD ANOTHER TRIVIA QUIZ

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question always tells
“Name two things commonly found in cells?”
It appears that a Manc and Scouser
Was not the correct answer

SMOKING KILLS

Smoking kills
Of that there is no doubt
Especially if my wife
Were to find out

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 2

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are presenting shows as Ant and Dec
In their most cunning disguise

SLUMBER WARNING

There is a limit to how early
You might go to your repose
Or you might end up retiring
Before you actually arose

MY CRAZY BROTHER IN LAW

My crazy brother in law
Has had a penis extension
Now visitors approach his
House with real apprehension

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 3

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour are not deceased
But are locked away in Broadmoor
And will never be released

THE CROWD WENT WILD

The crowd went wild
And the opposition reeled
As the Chicago Bugs
Won again at Wriggly Field

I WAS THROWN OUT OF A CLOTHING SHOP

I was thrown out of a clothing shop
It was one of the Muslim outlets
All I did was to ask if I could look
At one of their bomber jacket

YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED

You are truly middle aged
When your twilight is dawning
And you still believe you will
Feel better in the morning

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 4

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not snuff it
They’re living in a bedsit in Merseyside
Where they have to rough it

THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN

The diary of a Virgin
Is a very short read
As there are within
No entries indeed

LAST NIGHT I HAD FOR MY TEA

Last night I had for my tea
A delicious beef stew
With dumplings, better known
As my wife Sue

IN GEORGE CLOONEY’S LATEST ROLE

In George Clooney’s latest role
He’s to play the part of Kevan
A habitual paedophile
And it’s called "Oh, She's Eleven?"

Me And My Brother – On Thin Ice

My brother was five years older than me and as a result from the time I was five years old he looked upon me as something of a burden.
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.

It was a Saturday morning in early January 1963 when the country was in the grip of the big freeze.
Apart from the weather it was an average Saturday, my Dad was a Coldstream Guard and was on duty, my sisters were upstairs fighting over who’s turn it was to get in the bathroom, my mum was at the sink washing up and me and my brother were still sitting at the breakfast table tucking into a second bowl of cereal.
Just as I was finishing the last mouthful there was a loud knock on the front door.
“Get that Peter” Mum called
“Ok he said and he was gone about five minutes
“Who was it?” mum asked
“Colin and John” he answered “they’re going sledging and want me to go too”
“I see” mum said without turning around
“Can I go?” Peter asked hopefully
“Yes but take your brother with you” she replied
“Oh mum” he moaned “do I have too?”
“Yes” she said sternly looking up from her task for the first time.
“But he’s a baby” Peter protested
“I’m not a baby” I shouted “I’m six”
“Yes you are” Peter barked at me
“Well if he doesn’t go” mum snapped “you don’t go”
“Oh mum” he protested “That’s not fair”
“Your choice” mum said without looking up from the sink
“Ok” Peter mumbled resignedly
“Hooray” I yelled and ran to the coat cupboard and donned my duffel coat and wellies.
Apart from the duffel coat I also had to wear gloves and a grey knitted balaclava helmet, which was obligatory headgear for children at that time.
Peter was similarly equipped but he removed his balaclava once we were out of sight of the house.
“Look after your brother” Mum said as she followed us to the door
“Alright Mum I will” I said and giggled
“Have fun you two” she said and laughed “don’t do anything silly”
“Bye” I said and ran after Peter
“And stay away from the canal” She shouted just before she closed the door.
It was a cold grey day and there had been a fresh fall of snow overnight which is why sledging had been suggested.
Colin and John were waiting for us on the corner with the sledge.
“Come on Pete” Colin shouted
“Alright we’re coming” Peter replied “Sorry Col but I had to bring the runt”
“Oi” I protested
“Bad luck” Colin said “I had to bring mine as well”
And he patted John on the head.
“Get off” John said and gave his brother a shove.
He was only a couple of year’s young than Colin but unlike me John was not considered a burden by his brother.
They had a brilliant sledge, bright red with a varnished seat.
They always had nice stuff, their Dad was an officer in the Grenadier Guards.
He didn’t really like his boys playing with the progeny of the lower ranks but they did anyway.
We had the snow and a wizard sledge but we trudged around for ages searching for a good place.
It wasn’t that there was a shortage of hills in the small corner of Surrey that was Pirbright.
The problem was however finding one that wasn’t covered in Trees, Ferns and Bracken, or that terminated on a road or railway lines.
After about an hour we struck lucky when we found an old disused gravel pit which had a long straight slope that ended in a thick accumulation of snow.

We had a brilliant time and we sledged until we were utterly exhausted when we began the long trudge home which was an hour away.
“Let’s take a short cut across the canal” Colin suggested
“What on the ice?” John asked
“Yes” he replied “it’ll save us time”
“We’re not allowed” I said
“Shut up baby” Peter snapped
“Is the ice thick enough?” John asked cautiously
“We’ll soon find out once you stand on it” Colin said
“Why me?” John asked with alarm
“Because I said” Colin replied
“Well I’m not going first” John stated adamantly
After a few minutes of arguing between the brothers Peter said
“For God’s sake I’ll go”
“Good man Pete” Colin said as Peter gingerly inched his way onto the ice.
Once it was apparent that it was safe Colin followed suit then me and finally John.
“This is great let’s go down the canal to the footbridge” Peter suggested and we all slipped and slid our way the half mile or so to the footbridge.
When we got there I thought it was quite a steep bank up to the tow path for a kid my size so I decided to go the other side of the bridge where I thought it would be easier for me to climb up.
When he saw what I was doing John shouted
“Don’t go under there!”
“It’s ok” I replied “I can climb up easier down here”
“That’s not what I mean” John shouted
The shout attracted Peter’s attention and he said
“Listen to John”
“Come over here and we’ll help you out” Colin suggested
“It’s all right” I insisted “I can manage”
Then all three of them shouted in unison
“Don’t go under the bridge”
“Its ok I’m not a bab…” I began as the ice gave way beneath me and I sank like a stone.
I went straight to the bottom and then luckily bobbed straight back up and through the same hole I’d fallen through seconds before.
When I reached the surface I took in a huge breath, not because I’d been deprived of oxygen but rather more because the water was freezing.
All three of them were by the hole when I surfaced and quickly pulled me out of the icy water.
“That’s why we said “Don’t go under the bridge”” Peter said
I didn’t reply as my teeth were chattering too much so I just nodded.
Every stitch of clothing was soaked through and both of my wellies were full to the brim with icy water.
Once they knew I was unharmed the laughter began and when I squelched to the bank and water exuded from my boots with each step they were in hysterics and rolling around on the ice.
I sat on the ice and emptied each welly in turn and the cascade of water was greeted with fresh peals of laughter.
“What are we going to tell mum?” I asked soberly which silenced Peter in an instant.
“Oh bloody hell” he said “She’ll kill me”

The three of them helped me up the bank and we began to slog up the wooded hillside in the general direction of home while they all suggested excuses for why I was sopping wet.
“Can’t you just tell the truth?” Colin said
“Are you kidding?” Peter replied “We were told not to go near the canal”
“She’d be really mad” I added
“That’s an understatement” Peter corrected me “I wouldn’t be allowed out again until the cricket season”
“How about a car driving through a puddle and splashing him?” John offered
“That won’t work” Colin retorted
“Why not?” john asked
“Well Einstein if a car drove through a puddle how come Paul is the only one that got wet?”
“I hadn’t thought of that” John admitted
“Whereas he could have fallen in the puddle” Colin suggested
“Look at him” Peter said “Does it look like he fell in a puddle?”
All three of them turned to look at me as I squelched along in their wake.
“What?” I said in response
“We’re trying to account for why you look like that” Peter said
“Can’t we just say I fell in a ditch?”

When we got back to Slade Road we said goodbye to Colin and John on the corner and with a sense of foreboding trudged the last few yards to the house.
Once inside we kicked of our wellies and hung up our coats in the cupboard.
“Is that you boys?” Mum called from the kitchen
“Yes mum” Peter replied
“Did you have fun?” she asked
“Yes it was great” I answered
Then Peter ushered me up the stairs as Mum came out of the kitchen.
“You must be perished” she said “I’ll run you a bath”
“I’ll do it mum” Peter said
“Oh alright darling I’ll get on with tea then” and she returned to the kitchen.
I got in the bath first and while I was in there Peter snuck my wet clothes into the airing cupboard to dry them off a bit.

We were both on the landing ready to go down and feeling rather pleased with our management of the situation when she called up the stairs
“Why is Paul’s coat soaking wet?”
And without pausing to take a breath Peter replied
“He fell in a ditch on the way home”
“How did that happen” she asked
“Colin, John and me all jumped over the ditch and then Paul tried and fell in” Peter replied and we held our breaths until mum said
“That’s typical of the Clumsy so and so”