WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 2
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But she gave me an enema
And now I don’t want
To play anymore
ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?
Are you wearing a spacesuit?
Good that makes two of us
Because I'm an astronaut and
My mission is to explore Uranus
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I would like to go to Conclusions
But you have to jump there, so
As I can’t do much physical activity
I would have to reluctantly say no
HEALING HANDS
Jesus cured all the sick and the lame
Apart from one scruffy man at the back
Jesus gestured him to come forward
“No way” he said “I'm on disability wack”
I LOVE CELEBRATING FATHER'S DAY
I love celebrating Father's day
With my sons and daughters
Though I do realize it can cause
Confusion in certain quarters
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 301
Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the others escaped unscathed
EATING WITH THE INLAWS
An evening spent
With my wife’s family
Is good food and wine
And gracious hostility
I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT
I went to the movies last night
And watched a really good thriller
About a man poisoning the Cornflakes
Who turned out to be a cereal killer
YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS
You should never raise
Your hands to your children
And for that, there
Is a very good reason
Not that I’m saying
They shouldn’t be corrected
But you must never
Leave your nuts unprotected
SURPRISE YOUR DAD ON FATHER’S DAY
Surprise your dad on Father’s Day
Asking him for advice should do it
And if you really want to surprise him
You should actually accept it
MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER
Mum knitted me a jumper
I hate wearing I as I look silly
But I’m a kid so I have to
Especially when mum feels chilly
IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS
It’s just as well that Jesus
Wasn’t born today to be fair
As there aren’t 3 wise men
And a virgin anywhere
Friday, 19 July 2013
A Little Bit Of Humour # 15
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor
ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?
Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation
I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS
I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool
MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE
My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal
PUT DOWN # 49
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration
When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”
I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB
I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability
“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”
"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"
So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb
But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”
RED HAT
She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that
She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”
RED NOSE
He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery
THE RED LION
I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow
As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true
When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor
ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?
Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world
I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1
I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though
SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1
I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation
I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS
I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool
MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE
My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal
PUT DOWN # 49
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration
When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”
I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB
I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability
“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”
"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"
So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb
But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”
RED HAT
She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that
She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”
RED NOSE
He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery
THE RED LION
I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow
As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true
Monday, 3 June 2013
Variety # 3
CATCH OF THE DAY
With my fishing line of gold,
Hook, baited with pearls
I cast into the waters
As the ebb tide swirls
To catch myself one
Of the underwater girls
And land a pretty mermaid
With seaweed in her curls
THE ENDLESS PAVEMENT
The endless pavement
Eats away the leather
Wears away my soles
And with each step
My spirits erode
Until I am threadbare
And broken
With worn out soles
On the perpetual pavement
LIFE ETCHED IN MY FACE
Life etched in my face
Each line speaking for me,
Of an action or an event
But the presence of each
Is a part of the whole
That is the complete me
ACHERON
Acheron, the river of pain,
One of the five rivers of hades
Where Charon the ferryman
Plied his morbid trade
LUMINARY PERSONAGE
Luminary personage
Of prominence
A bright light
In the firmament
Truly brilliant
Outshone only
By his achievements
LUMINARY STAR
Luminary star
Celestial body
Shine down
Life giving light
ODIUM
It’s in a state of disgrace
Resulting from detestable behaviour
Where hatred and contempt reign
And despicable acts are the norm
Simple pure unadulterated odium
Hatred and condemnation
Loathing and contempt
Disrepute or infamy
Hate coupled with disgust
Pure unadulterated odium
That’s why I avoid the forum
ODEON
When I was a kid
My sister worked
At the Odeon Wood Green
And got me in for nothing
I loved the pictures
And I went everyday
It was a special place to me
Of course it was a far cry
From its Roman namesake
With its grand architecture
And hi-brow classical
Musical performances
But it was a magical place
Where I lost myself
In the flickering shadows
Of movieland
And escaped reality
TITAN’S
The powerful Titan’s
Giants of Greek Mythology
Born of Uranus and Gaea
Rulers of the earth
Brutally overthrown
By the Olympian Gods
SAINT GEORGE
Though he is immortalized in the tale
Of Saint George and the Dragon
It is as one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers
That his patronage is built upon
SHE WAS SILVER HAIRED
She was silver haired
And her face was lined
But she was content
And felt blessed
To have lived long enough
To have grey hair,
And to have had
Such a happy life
That the laughter of her youth
Was etched into her face
With my fishing line of gold,
Hook, baited with pearls
I cast into the waters
As the ebb tide swirls
To catch myself one
Of the underwater girls
And land a pretty mermaid
With seaweed in her curls
THE ENDLESS PAVEMENT
The endless pavement
Eats away the leather
Wears away my soles
And with each step
My spirits erode
Until I am threadbare
And broken
With worn out soles
On the perpetual pavement
LIFE ETCHED IN MY FACE
Life etched in my face
Each line speaking for me,
Of an action or an event
But the presence of each
Is a part of the whole
That is the complete me
ACHERON
Acheron, the river of pain,
One of the five rivers of hades
Where Charon the ferryman
Plied his morbid trade
LUMINARY PERSONAGE
Luminary personage
Of prominence
A bright light
In the firmament
Truly brilliant
Outshone only
By his achievements
LUMINARY STAR
Luminary star
Celestial body
Shine down
Life giving light
ODIUM
It’s in a state of disgrace
Resulting from detestable behaviour
Where hatred and contempt reign
And despicable acts are the norm
Simple pure unadulterated odium
Hatred and condemnation
Loathing and contempt
Disrepute or infamy
Hate coupled with disgust
Pure unadulterated odium
That’s why I avoid the forum
ODEON
When I was a kid
My sister worked
At the Odeon Wood Green
And got me in for nothing
I loved the pictures
And I went everyday
It was a special place to me
Of course it was a far cry
From its Roman namesake
With its grand architecture
And hi-brow classical
Musical performances
But it was a magical place
Where I lost myself
In the flickering shadows
Of movieland
And escaped reality
TITAN’S
The powerful Titan’s
Giants of Greek Mythology
Born of Uranus and Gaea
Rulers of the earth
Brutally overthrown
By the Olympian Gods
SAINT GEORGE
Though he is immortalized in the tale
Of Saint George and the Dragon
It is as one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers
That his patronage is built upon
SHE WAS SILVER HAIRED
She was silver haired
And her face was lined
But she was content
And felt blessed
To have lived long enough
To have grey hair,
And to have had
Such a happy life
That the laughter of her youth
Was etched into her face
Variety # 2
I’M HAPPIER NOW I’VE GOTTEN OLDER
I’m happier now I’ve gotten older,
I’ve learned to ignore the negative
And care less what people think
So now it’s easier to be positive
I CAN ONLY GUESS AT
I can only guess at
What the future might hold
Will I even make old bones?
Not that I want to live forever,
But whatever age I achieve
I don’t want to look back
And wonder what might have been
So I will live every day
Like it was to be my last
So at the end
I will not lament my past
And now I will not worry
About what might be
I DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT
I don’t complain about
My silver hair and wrinkled face
I’ve lived a long life
And laughed more than my share
I’m content as so many
Of my generation never laughed,
And so many died before
Their hair has time to turn grey
I’M AT THE STAGE IN LIFE
I’m at the stage in life
When I’m sometimes forgetful
Although let’s face it
There’s a lot in life
That is better off forgotten
But as forgetful as I am
I never forget the important things
I LOOK AHEAD OF ME
I look ahead of me,
Across the unknown years
And I wonder:
Will I like being old?
Or even like the person
That I will become?
WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL
When I was at school
Our English teacher, Mrs Rowan
Once asked of us as homework,
During the half term holiday
To memorize our favourite poem,
This was met by groans,
By the class, but not me
I chose A.E.Housman’s
“Ode to an athlete dying young”
And it has stayed with me ever since
IF PEOPLE MAKE DEMANDS OF YOU
If people make demands of you
Disarm them skilfully
Give them more than they expect
And do it cheerfully
LIKE A GAGGLE OF GEESE
Like a gaggle of geese
The hen party traversed
The gaudy Blackpool strip
From bar to bar
And club to club
The tarty group
In their shameless parade
The legless slappers
Ended the night
Even more undignified
Than they had begun it
“If that’s possible”
Sitting in the gutter
In their own piss and vomit
SMOOTH SOFT STONES
Smooth soft stones
Picked from the beach
Rounded and smooth
To the touch
Opened a floodgate
In my mind
As distant memories
Rushed in
Of a different time and place
A simpler time
And way of life
When hours could be spent
In the innocent pursuit
Of ducks and drakes
LOOKING AFTER THE PENNIES
When I was a boy
I saved my pennies
For a rainy day
I saved every cent,
My pocket money
Every Friday
The Money back
On the empties
A paper round
In the morning
And delivering
The Weekly Sport
On a Saturday evening
Cleaning Grandmas windows
And Odd jobs
For the neighbours
Then on Saturday morning
I’d take it all,
The Ten bob notes
And tanners,
Halfpennies
And threepenny bits
And pay it all in
To my Post Office savings
BRITISH GAS FIVE STAR
I can remember a time
In the dim and distant past
When you could boast
To your friends and neighbours
That you were the proud user
Of the British Gas five star,
All singing all dancing,
Central heating and boiler cover
Which was akin to saying
You had a Rolls Royce
Parked in your garage
Such was its superior quality
Of course that was a world away
In in different century
Now having British Gas homecare
Is the equivalent to owning,
A 1983 Skoda
I’m happier now I’ve gotten older,
I’ve learned to ignore the negative
And care less what people think
So now it’s easier to be positive
I CAN ONLY GUESS AT
I can only guess at
What the future might hold
Will I even make old bones?
Not that I want to live forever,
But whatever age I achieve
I don’t want to look back
And wonder what might have been
So I will live every day
Like it was to be my last
So at the end
I will not lament my past
And now I will not worry
About what might be
I DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT
I don’t complain about
My silver hair and wrinkled face
I’ve lived a long life
And laughed more than my share
I’m content as so many
Of my generation never laughed,
And so many died before
Their hair has time to turn grey
I’M AT THE STAGE IN LIFE
I’m at the stage in life
When I’m sometimes forgetful
Although let’s face it
There’s a lot in life
That is better off forgotten
But as forgetful as I am
I never forget the important things
I LOOK AHEAD OF ME
I look ahead of me,
Across the unknown years
And I wonder:
Will I like being old?
Or even like the person
That I will become?
WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL
When I was at school
Our English teacher, Mrs Rowan
Once asked of us as homework,
During the half term holiday
To memorize our favourite poem,
This was met by groans,
By the class, but not me
I chose A.E.Housman’s
“Ode to an athlete dying young”
And it has stayed with me ever since
IF PEOPLE MAKE DEMANDS OF YOU
If people make demands of you
Disarm them skilfully
Give them more than they expect
And do it cheerfully
LIKE A GAGGLE OF GEESE
Like a gaggle of geese
The hen party traversed
The gaudy Blackpool strip
From bar to bar
And club to club
The tarty group
In their shameless parade
The legless slappers
Ended the night
Even more undignified
Than they had begun it
“If that’s possible”
Sitting in the gutter
In their own piss and vomit
SMOOTH SOFT STONES
Smooth soft stones
Picked from the beach
Rounded and smooth
To the touch
Opened a floodgate
In my mind
As distant memories
Rushed in
Of a different time and place
A simpler time
And way of life
When hours could be spent
In the innocent pursuit
Of ducks and drakes
LOOKING AFTER THE PENNIES
When I was a boy
I saved my pennies
For a rainy day
I saved every cent,
My pocket money
Every Friday
The Money back
On the empties
A paper round
In the morning
And delivering
The Weekly Sport
On a Saturday evening
Cleaning Grandmas windows
And Odd jobs
For the neighbours
Then on Saturday morning
I’d take it all,
The Ten bob notes
And tanners,
Halfpennies
And threepenny bits
And pay it all in
To my Post Office savings
BRITISH GAS FIVE STAR
I can remember a time
In the dim and distant past
When you could boast
To your friends and neighbours
That you were the proud user
Of the British Gas five star,
All singing all dancing,
Central heating and boiler cover
Which was akin to saying
You had a Rolls Royce
Parked in your garage
Such was its superior quality
Of course that was a world away
In in different century
Now having British Gas homecare
Is the equivalent to owning,
A 1983 Skoda
Variety # 1
B.H.A
British Humanist Association
Pro human rights
Pro democracy
Pro egalitarianism
And pro mutual respect
Unless of course
You believe in God
A TIME OF MIRACLES
The cynics say of miracles
That they are a scarce commodity,
If they happen at all
But to my mind
There is nothing more miraculous
Than the birth of a child
It may be the most common placed
Of miracles
But it is miraculous
Nonetheless
ALL OF HUMAN KIND
All of human kind
Spread across the globe
Like a single organism
In bacterial proportions
And this human creature
This single entity
This living breathing
Multiplying mass thrives
And its heartbeat is love
SALISBURY VIEW
The late September sun
Bathed the water meadow
As sheep graze the lammas
In stark relief against the blue
Like a great golden arrow
The spire points heavenward
INDUSTRIALISED SPORT
Sport was industrialised by the Soviet Union
To promote communism
And not the money hungry capitalist west
But it profited capitalism
AMATEURISM
Amateurism, when participating
Was more important than winning
Well that idealism has been lost
Because today it’s win at all cost
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM
A funny thing happened
On the way to the forum
That place devoid
Of propriety or decorum
I thought, should I engage?
Or keep well clear
Of the pit of vipers
And the poisonous atmosphere
A funny thing happened
On the way to the forum
I had a premonition
Of what was to come
So I decided the means
Didn’t justify the ends
So I went to the pub
To meet up with friends
VICTIMS OF THE SPITE
From the playground
To the workplace
From the street
To cyber space
Anyone who is different
Standing out in a crowd
Is targeted, because
Difference isn’t allowed
Its tribal I suppose
Or an animal instinct maybe
The bullies do
Hunt in packs certainly
The perpetrators
As far as I can see
Are basically driven
By their own Insecurities
Victims of the spite
Have suffered across time
For being themselves
That’s their only crime
THE VICTORIANS
The Victorians
Invented a lot of sports
Or if not invented,
Encouraged their development
As a means of instilling, fair play
Teamwork and discipline
Into the next generation
As way of training the youth
For life in the wider world
I don’t know how
The Victorians would view
The sportsmen and women of today
Not favourably I suspect
GOOD BYE BABY DOLL
You lie alone
So small, so fragile
Boxed like a doll
In a toy store window
Where passers by say
“It’s almost lifelike”
But you are not a doll
You are not for sale
For you are not whole
The essence that was you
Has left you empty
Like a box within a box
You lie alone
Your angelic soul
Was borne to heaven
On the wings of a dove
THE NINE WORTHIES
The Nine Worthies
Figures of history?
Men of scripture?
Men steeped in myth or legend?
Any or all might apply
But these figures personified
The chivalric ideals
Of the medieval world.
Three of the nine were pagans
Hector prince of Troy,
Slain by Achilles
Alexander the great
Conqueror of the world,
Julius Caesar,
Founder of a dynasty
Three of the nine were Jewish
Joshua, Apprentice of Moses
And leader of the Israelites
David, of the house of David,
Second King of Israel
Judas Maccabeus, leader
Of the Maccabean revolt
Three of the nine were Christian
King Arthur of Camelot,
Fair and just
Charlemagne, the first
Holy Roman Emperor
Godfrey of Bouillon, first ruler
Of the Kingdom of Jerusalem
These nine worthies
Were considered paragons
Of the ideals of chivalry
British Humanist Association
Pro human rights
Pro democracy
Pro egalitarianism
And pro mutual respect
Unless of course
You believe in God
A TIME OF MIRACLES
The cynics say of miracles
That they are a scarce commodity,
If they happen at all
But to my mind
There is nothing more miraculous
Than the birth of a child
It may be the most common placed
Of miracles
But it is miraculous
Nonetheless
ALL OF HUMAN KIND
All of human kind
Spread across the globe
Like a single organism
In bacterial proportions
And this human creature
This single entity
This living breathing
Multiplying mass thrives
And its heartbeat is love
SALISBURY VIEW
The late September sun
Bathed the water meadow
As sheep graze the lammas
In stark relief against the blue
Like a great golden arrow
The spire points heavenward
INDUSTRIALISED SPORT
Sport was industrialised by the Soviet Union
To promote communism
And not the money hungry capitalist west
But it profited capitalism
AMATEURISM
Amateurism, when participating
Was more important than winning
Well that idealism has been lost
Because today it’s win at all cost
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM
A funny thing happened
On the way to the forum
That place devoid
Of propriety or decorum
I thought, should I engage?
Or keep well clear
Of the pit of vipers
And the poisonous atmosphere
A funny thing happened
On the way to the forum
I had a premonition
Of what was to come
So I decided the means
Didn’t justify the ends
So I went to the pub
To meet up with friends
VICTIMS OF THE SPITE
From the playground
To the workplace
From the street
To cyber space
Anyone who is different
Standing out in a crowd
Is targeted, because
Difference isn’t allowed
Its tribal I suppose
Or an animal instinct maybe
The bullies do
Hunt in packs certainly
The perpetrators
As far as I can see
Are basically driven
By their own Insecurities
Victims of the spite
Have suffered across time
For being themselves
That’s their only crime
THE VICTORIANS
The Victorians
Invented a lot of sports
Or if not invented,
Encouraged their development
As a means of instilling, fair play
Teamwork and discipline
Into the next generation
As way of training the youth
For life in the wider world
I don’t know how
The Victorians would view
The sportsmen and women of today
Not favourably I suspect
GOOD BYE BABY DOLL
You lie alone
So small, so fragile
Boxed like a doll
In a toy store window
Where passers by say
“It’s almost lifelike”
But you are not a doll
You are not for sale
For you are not whole
The essence that was you
Has left you empty
Like a box within a box
You lie alone
Your angelic soul
Was borne to heaven
On the wings of a dove
THE NINE WORTHIES
The Nine Worthies
Figures of history?
Men of scripture?
Men steeped in myth or legend?
Any or all might apply
But these figures personified
The chivalric ideals
Of the medieval world.
Three of the nine were pagans
Hector prince of Troy,
Slain by Achilles
Alexander the great
Conqueror of the world,
Julius Caesar,
Founder of a dynasty
Three of the nine were Jewish
Joshua, Apprentice of Moses
And leader of the Israelites
David, of the house of David,
Second King of Israel
Judas Maccabeus, leader
Of the Maccabean revolt
Three of the nine were Christian
King Arthur of Camelot,
Fair and just
Charlemagne, the first
Holy Roman Emperor
Godfrey of Bouillon, first ruler
Of the Kingdom of Jerusalem
These nine worthies
Were considered paragons
Of the ideals of chivalry
Walking With God
UBIQUITOUS GOD
Omnipresent,
Omnipotent
Omniscient being
Ever present,
All powerful
All knowing, all seeing
Awesome,
Ubiquitous God
Of our spiritual wellbeing
Of everlasting life,
Salvation guaranteeing
WHEN YOU ARE DOWNCAST
When you are downcast
And at your darkest hour
Pray, for within it
There’s immeasurable power
THE CHRISTENING
Nanny had unwrapped
The christening gown
Handed down through
The generations
Grandma hand-knitted
The booties
Laced them with
Pure white ribbon
The God parents
Presented a shawl
White as fallen snow
And we stood together
Beside the font
And welcomed him
Into the family of Christ
A SONG TO SING IN HEAVEN
A song to sing in heaven
Where the holy angels tread
So sang my heart in joy
The word of God was spread
ARE YOU WEARING A CRUCIFIX?
Are you wearing a crucifix?
Is it God’s grace you are appeasing?
Is it a symbol of your devotion?
Or is it just aesthetically pleasing
Are you a good Christian girl?
Or are you taunting and teasing
Well by that look in your eye
I think you’re up for a squeezing
I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD
I have an Angel on my dashboard
She’s my special lucky charm
I have an angel on my dashboard
Who’s keeping me from harm
YOU MAKE MY LIFE WHOLE
You make my life whole
You fill it with your zest
With your loving presence
Dear lord I am truly blessed
YOU MAY NOT ALWAYS ANSWER
You may not always answer
When I offer up my prayer
But the most important thing is
I always know you’re there
I AM SO BLESSED
I am so blessed
To have a family
A caring network
Who look after me
I am so blessed
To have with me
A circle of friends,
Who are like family
I am so blessed
To have in every way
God in my life
Each and every day
CROSS OF THE LIVING GOD # 1
Cross of the living God
Cast your gentle shadow
Keep us safe within its lee
And I will always know
You will answer my Prayer
Because you’re always there
Gentle Jesus, Gentle God
CROSS OF THE LIVING GOD # 2
Cross of the living god
Shine into the darkness
Keep us safe in your light
And you will always bless
Because you’re always there
Answering all my Prayer
Gentle Jesus, Gentle God
CROSS OF THE LIVING GOD # 3
Cross of the living God
Shine light into the darkness
To every corner of the globe
Embellishing the starkness
Cross of the living God
Keep us safely in your light
Protect us every waking hour
And watch us through the night
MY SOUL WAS FORGED IN HEAVEN
My soul was forged in heaven
And my heart was filled with love
My faith is as strong as iron
I am akin to the angels above
Until my soul returns to heaven
And I bask in eternal love
THE ATHEISTS LAST WORDS
The atheist spent his whole life
Denying the existence of a deity
Preached to all who would listen
The atheist thoughts of his reality
He even stated that the universe
Was created quite accidently
Even on his final day on earth
He was content there was no deity
But a moment before he crashed
He cried out “oh God help me”
GOD WINDS THE CLOCK OF LIFE
God winds the clock of life,
It is wound but once
And when set in motion,
At the moment the second hand
Begins its sweep
It can be neither slowed
Nor hurried
There is no hint of duration
No preset point
When the hands cease
The only certainty
Is that the time piece will stop
All you can do is be ready for that day
Leave nothing unsaid
Nothing undone
Place your faith in God
And not the timepiece
Live your allotted time fully
And have no regrets
When the movement stops
At the appointed hour
Omnipresent,
Omnipotent
Omniscient being
Ever present,
All powerful
All knowing, all seeing
Awesome,
Ubiquitous God
Of our spiritual wellbeing
Of everlasting life,
Salvation guaranteeing
WHEN YOU ARE DOWNCAST
When you are downcast
And at your darkest hour
Pray, for within it
There’s immeasurable power
THE CHRISTENING
Nanny had unwrapped
The christening gown
Handed down through
The generations
Grandma hand-knitted
The booties
Laced them with
Pure white ribbon
The God parents
Presented a shawl
White as fallen snow
And we stood together
Beside the font
And welcomed him
Into the family of Christ
A SONG TO SING IN HEAVEN
A song to sing in heaven
Where the holy angels tread
So sang my heart in joy
The word of God was spread
ARE YOU WEARING A CRUCIFIX?
Are you wearing a crucifix?
Is it God’s grace you are appeasing?
Is it a symbol of your devotion?
Or is it just aesthetically pleasing
Are you a good Christian girl?
Or are you taunting and teasing
Well by that look in your eye
I think you’re up for a squeezing
I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD
I have an Angel on my dashboard
She’s my special lucky charm
I have an angel on my dashboard
Who’s keeping me from harm
YOU MAKE MY LIFE WHOLE
You make my life whole
You fill it with your zest
With your loving presence
Dear lord I am truly blessed
YOU MAY NOT ALWAYS ANSWER
You may not always answer
When I offer up my prayer
But the most important thing is
I always know you’re there
I AM SO BLESSED
I am so blessed
To have a family
A caring network
Who look after me
I am so blessed
To have with me
A circle of friends,
Who are like family
I am so blessed
To have in every way
God in my life
Each and every day
CROSS OF THE LIVING GOD # 1
Cross of the living God
Cast your gentle shadow
Keep us safe within its lee
And I will always know
You will answer my Prayer
Because you’re always there
Gentle Jesus, Gentle God
CROSS OF THE LIVING GOD # 2
Cross of the living god
Shine into the darkness
Keep us safe in your light
And you will always bless
Because you’re always there
Answering all my Prayer
Gentle Jesus, Gentle God
CROSS OF THE LIVING GOD # 3
Cross of the living God
Shine light into the darkness
To every corner of the globe
Embellishing the starkness
Cross of the living God
Keep us safely in your light
Protect us every waking hour
And watch us through the night
MY SOUL WAS FORGED IN HEAVEN
My soul was forged in heaven
And my heart was filled with love
My faith is as strong as iron
I am akin to the angels above
Until my soul returns to heaven
And I bask in eternal love
THE ATHEISTS LAST WORDS
The atheist spent his whole life
Denying the existence of a deity
Preached to all who would listen
The atheist thoughts of his reality
He even stated that the universe
Was created quite accidently
Even on his final day on earth
He was content there was no deity
But a moment before he crashed
He cried out “oh God help me”
GOD WINDS THE CLOCK OF LIFE
God winds the clock of life,
It is wound but once
And when set in motion,
At the moment the second hand
Begins its sweep
It can be neither slowed
Nor hurried
There is no hint of duration
No preset point
When the hands cease
The only certainty
Is that the time piece will stop
All you can do is be ready for that day
Leave nothing unsaid
Nothing undone
Place your faith in God
And not the timepiece
Live your allotted time fully
And have no regrets
When the movement stops
At the appointed hour
The Final Frontier
JUPITER
Gustav Holst’s
Bringer of Jollity
The mighty gas giant
Red belted Jupiter
Largest in the solar system
With its great red spot
A storm that has raged
For centuries
MERCURY
Gustav Holst’s
Winged Messenger
The lifeless silver sphere
Races around our fiery star
As fast as its name sake
The fast-flying Roman deity,
Messenger to the gods
SATURN
Gustav Holst’s
The bringer of old age
In a state of perpetual storm
Saturn the mighty gas giant
With Iconic rings of dust and ice
An image comforting and reliant
URANUS
Gustav Holst’s magician
Beautiful ice giant
Whose clouds of methane
Present a featureless disk
Of blue-green colour
NEPTUNE
Gustav Holst’s Mystic
Farthest planet from the Sun
Beautiful ice giant
Whose brilliant blue
Appearance belies
The deadly atmosphere
Of frozen methane
VENUS
Gustav Holst’s bringer of peace
Second planet from the Sun,
Earth's "sister planet"
To the ancients
The Morning Star
Or the Evening Star
Shrouded by opaque
Highly reflective
Clouds of sulphuric acid
MARS
Gustav Holst’s bringer of war
The red planet
A place of high mountains
And deep canyons
Red dust deserts
And frozen Polar Regions
PLUTO
Unknown to Gustav Holst
Pluto, the Dwarf planet
Inhabits the Kuiper belt
And is no longer the ninth planet
Of our solar system
Not even the biggest Dwaft
But Second to Eris
CERES
The frozen Dwarf planet Ceres,
The largest asteroid among the stars
Between the belted giant Jupiter
And the red planet of war Mars
AURIGA
For the Auriga constellation
Look up into the northern sky
You will find the charioteer
Between Perseus and Gemini
SATURN VI
Saturn VI
Iced water Titan
Largest Moon of Saturn
Dense Orange sphere
A planet like moon
Iced water Titan
Gustav Holst’s
Bringer of Jollity
The mighty gas giant
Red belted Jupiter
Largest in the solar system
With its great red spot
A storm that has raged
For centuries
MERCURY
Gustav Holst’s
Winged Messenger
The lifeless silver sphere
Races around our fiery star
As fast as its name sake
The fast-flying Roman deity,
Messenger to the gods
SATURN
Gustav Holst’s
The bringer of old age
In a state of perpetual storm
Saturn the mighty gas giant
With Iconic rings of dust and ice
An image comforting and reliant
URANUS
Gustav Holst’s magician
Beautiful ice giant
Whose clouds of methane
Present a featureless disk
Of blue-green colour
NEPTUNE
Gustav Holst’s Mystic
Farthest planet from the Sun
Beautiful ice giant
Whose brilliant blue
Appearance belies
The deadly atmosphere
Of frozen methane
VENUS
Gustav Holst’s bringer of peace
Second planet from the Sun,
Earth's "sister planet"
To the ancients
The Morning Star
Or the Evening Star
Shrouded by opaque
Highly reflective
Clouds of sulphuric acid
MARS
Gustav Holst’s bringer of war
The red planet
A place of high mountains
And deep canyons
Red dust deserts
And frozen Polar Regions
PLUTO
Unknown to Gustav Holst
Pluto, the Dwarf planet
Inhabits the Kuiper belt
And is no longer the ninth planet
Of our solar system
Not even the biggest Dwaft
But Second to Eris
CERES
The frozen Dwarf planet Ceres,
The largest asteroid among the stars
Between the belted giant Jupiter
And the red planet of war Mars
AURIGA
For the Auriga constellation
Look up into the northern sky
You will find the charioteer
Between Perseus and Gemini
SATURN VI
Saturn VI
Iced water Titan
Largest Moon of Saturn
Dense Orange sphere
A planet like moon
Iced water Titan
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