ARE YOU WEARING A PETTICOAT?
Are you wearing a petticoat?
Are they were still in vogue?
That’s delightful apparel
For a lascivious old rogue
I’M A CRUMPET MAN
I’m a crumpet man
I don’t mind confessin’
But equally I like
Buns, baps and muffin
I WAS OUT ON THE LASH ON SATURDAY NIGHT
I was out on the lash on Saturday night
But I think it ended in disgrace
As I woke up in a skip next morning
With a kebab stuck to my face
I HATE AUTOMATED SWITCHBOARDS
I hate automated switchboards
They are so annoyingly slow
I wanted to book tickets
For an Elvis act a know
Each minute on the phone
Was costing me dough
Then at last it said press 1
For the money, 2 for the show
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 298
Taffy was a Welshman,
Taffy was a thief;
Taffy came to my house
And stole a piece of beef.
I should mention in the interest
Of political correctness
That not all Welshmen
Are called taffy
And not all Welshmen
Are thieves or indeed
Have a liking for someone else’s beef.
But this particular Welshman
In the 18th Century Nursery Rhyme
Was indeed called taffy
And he was a thieving bastard
“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme
Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”
ARE YOU WEARING PYJAMAS?
Are you wearing pyjamas?
And they’re Flannelette no less
I’m sure they are very comfy
But I was hoping for a nightdress
Or preferably as it is our
Wedding night, considerably less
WHERE THE WHITE RABBIT WENT
Where the white rabbit went
Then young Alice followed
And down a rabbit hole they went
And both of them were swallowed
THE FAIR GAME
The moment I first saw her
Was at the county fair
She was in a summer dress
And fiddling with her hair
It was love at first sight
When I saw her there
She smiled at me and said
Her name was Claire
We had a nice time together
But later when she was bare
Was when we could truly say
We had all the fun of the fair
ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 1
Are you wearing a onesie?
I didn’t know you were the type
But you have surprised me
And yes I like the tiger stripe
Well yes I don’t mind if I do
It’s very soft to the touch
Yes I’d like to feel inside
Thank you so very much
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 299
Taffy was a Welshman
He came from Porthcawl
I think if he were from Cardiff
He’d hardly be Welsh at all
“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme
Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”
ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 2
Are you wearing a onesie?
I didn’t know you were the type
But you have surprised me
And yes I like the tiger stripe
It’s rather a shapeless thing
Am I being picky and choosy?
To be honest I don’t like it
But I’d like to see your twosie
RISE AND SHINE
In the morning
My dad used to
Throw back the curtains
And loudly say
“Wakey, wakey
Rise and shine”
Well as a teenager
“Rise” I could manage
But “shine”
Was never going to happen
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSKIRT?
Are you wearing an underskirt?
I can see it beneath your hem
Oh its imported silk is it?
Oh yes of course I like them
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 296
Rainbow to windward
Stay indoors allday
Rainbow to leeward
Let’s go out to play
ARE YOU WEARING SHADES?
Are you wearing shades?
Yes they do look cool
Though not really suitable
And I would say as a rule
Wearing them in a cinema
Make’s you look a fool
Monday, 3 June 2013
A Little Bit Of Humour # 13
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 295
Solomon Grundie,
Born on Monday,
but nothing else
In his life rhymed
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSLIP?
Are you wearing an underslip?
Are you really by thunder
Would you like to slip out of it
Or should I just slip under
OPULENCE
He was opulence itself
With his lavish display
Of wealth and affluence
By means quite ample,
His riches clearly abundant
To put it another way
And to use the vernacular
He was totally Minted
WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING AN ADULT
What’s the point of being
An adult if, when you wish
You can’t once in a while
Behave a little childish
BEEF AND CHICKEN
I’m used to the term
Surf and turf on a menu
If you want meat and seafood
But now if you want to
Eat Beef and Chicken together
You order Leather and feather
SO PLEASE MAKE NO MISTAKE
There is definitely a difference,
So please make no mistake,
Between a bag of crisps and a condom
One of them you salt and shake
SATURDAY NIGHT TREAT
On a Saturday night when I’ve had some a ale
There is one thing that delights without fail
And it’s the only thing that will satisfy me
And that’s Donna on a spit for all to see
WHAT A DAY
On Monday he was grumpy
He was happy on Tuesday
So God knows what kind
Of a dwarf he’ll be today
SHOP ASSISTANCE
I was shopping
With my wife
And we found ourselves
In the alcohol isle
But couldn’t decide
What we should get
So we asked the man
Filling the shelf
What he would recommend
He gave us both
A cursory glance
Before he responded
“I think Crabbies for Madam
And for sir,
The Old Peculiar”
Cheeky git
We bought a case
Of Wine as well
A SMALL PRANG
I had a crash with another car
It was my fault, Granted
And the “little man” got out
And God how he ranted
“I’m not happy” he shouted
“I’m not happy” he said again
I just and smiled and said
“Which one are you then?”
CHRONIC CONTRADICTION
I am definitely not getting past it
I’m sorry I have to contradict
But my back trouble is a result
Of being Athletic, not arthritic
VINDALOO
He had the Tarka Vindaloo
The rotter
It’s like Chicken Vindaloo
But its otter
I WORK AT THE MET OFFICE
I work at the met office
And my name is Bob
I have to do the pollen count
God it’s a difficult job
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 297
Kind hearts are gardens,
Kind thoughts are roots,
Kind words are blossoms,
Kind deeds are fruits.
But none of this rubbish
Gets the bloody grass cut
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
Solomon Grundie,
Born on Monday,
but nothing else
In his life rhymed
ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSLIP?
Are you wearing an underslip?
Are you really by thunder
Would you like to slip out of it
Or should I just slip under
OPULENCE
He was opulence itself
With his lavish display
Of wealth and affluence
By means quite ample,
His riches clearly abundant
To put it another way
And to use the vernacular
He was totally Minted
WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING AN ADULT
What’s the point of being
An adult if, when you wish
You can’t once in a while
Behave a little childish
BEEF AND CHICKEN
I’m used to the term
Surf and turf on a menu
If you want meat and seafood
But now if you want to
Eat Beef and Chicken together
You order Leather and feather
SO PLEASE MAKE NO MISTAKE
There is definitely a difference,
So please make no mistake,
Between a bag of crisps and a condom
One of them you salt and shake
SATURDAY NIGHT TREAT
On a Saturday night when I’ve had some a ale
There is one thing that delights without fail
And it’s the only thing that will satisfy me
And that’s Donna on a spit for all to see
WHAT A DAY
On Monday he was grumpy
He was happy on Tuesday
So God knows what kind
Of a dwarf he’ll be today
SHOP ASSISTANCE
I was shopping
With my wife
And we found ourselves
In the alcohol isle
But couldn’t decide
What we should get
So we asked the man
Filling the shelf
What he would recommend
He gave us both
A cursory glance
Before he responded
“I think Crabbies for Madam
And for sir,
The Old Peculiar”
Cheeky git
We bought a case
Of Wine as well
A SMALL PRANG
I had a crash with another car
It was my fault, Granted
And the “little man” got out
And God how he ranted
“I’m not happy” he shouted
“I’m not happy” he said again
I just and smiled and said
“Which one are you then?”
CHRONIC CONTRADICTION
I am definitely not getting past it
I’m sorry I have to contradict
But my back trouble is a result
Of being Athletic, not arthritic
VINDALOO
He had the Tarka Vindaloo
The rotter
It’s like Chicken Vindaloo
But its otter
I WORK AT THE MET OFFICE
I work at the met office
And my name is Bob
I have to do the pollen count
God it’s a difficult job
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 297
Kind hearts are gardens,
Kind thoughts are roots,
Kind words are blossoms,
Kind deeds are fruits.
But none of this rubbish
Gets the bloody grass cut
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Just Nature
WEST OF KINTYRE # 1
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
Looking out across the sea
To the distant misty shores
Of Antrim far away
THE SWIFT
The familiar forked tail
And crescent wing
Of the agile Swift in sky
Performing aerobatics
Above the fields of gold
So pleasing to the eye
WISPS OF WHITE
Wisps of White
Decorate the azure blue
Like absent minded stokes
Of an artist’s brush
While the sun bathes the land
With its benevolence
BUTTERFLIES FLUTTER BY # 1
Butterflies flutter by
In Magnolia melancholy
On gossamer wings
IN SPRINGTIME
In springtime
I walk in dappled shade
Down along
A woodland brook
Where Narcissi grow
And bow their heads
In deference
To the singing stream
WEST OF KINTYRE # 2
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
On a day so crisp and clear
And looked out towards the west
Where it was possible to see
Rathlin Island clear as day
And Ballycastle just beyond
LONG TAILED LINNET
Long tailed Linnet
Sweet flying Finch
Trill and twitter
Your pleasant song
All Summer long
THE AIR WAS SULTRY AND STALE
The air was sultry and stale
The heat oppressive
I sought the sanctity of the shade
Embracing its coolness
I walked beneath the leafy canopy
Where the silence welcomed
Contented I walked
In the leafy summer forest
Until within a glade
I came upon a woodland pool
its still dark waters
Looking glass flat.
I peered through my own reflection
Into the charismatic depths
And felt unnervingly as if
I were staring into the depths
Of my own soul
And for the first time
On that sultry summers afternoon
My skin felt cold
IN THE SUMMER FOREST
In the summer forest
I stared into the silent waters
Of the mirrored pool
It was a place spoken oft in lore
An eerie haunted place
The stillest place I’d known
To stand too long
Appreciating its tranquillity
Could cost you your soul
There were no fish
To break the surface
No insect ventured near
Bird song fell silent at its edge
And no creature quenched its thirst
No one knew if its waters were deep
Or merely murky shallows
It was not an inviting place
But if you stared too long
Into its mesmeric shadows
You would not tell the tale
THE PURPLE DEPTHS
The purple depths
Of heather on the hill
Looked down at their reflections
In the watery shadows
Of the timeless loch
BECALMED
We sat becalmed on the cold ocean
I wished to see the waters move
But they remained mirror flat
Still as a silent thought
Lost in the absent echo
As we remained motionless
Beneath a relentless sun
WEST OF KINTYRE # 3
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
On a day so crisp and clear
And looked out towards the west
Where it was possible to make out
Malin Head in Donegal
KINGFISHER, KINGFISHER
Kingfisher, Kingfisher
A glint of silver
Catches your eye
And like an arrow
You dart with purpose
Beneath the water
With barely a splash
Disappearing for a moment
Before returning
With the silver prize
LEAVING WINTERS SHADOW
When we come out
Of winters shadow
And it’s finally spring
There is fire in my heart.
And a lightness in my step
And the world seems full
Of infinite possibilities
THE RICH FED GROUSE THRIVE ON THE MOOR
The rich fed grouse thrive on the moor
The golden hare lives on the valley floor
In the meadow you’ll find rabbits there
While the fox sits patiently in his lair
A BUMBLE BEE BUSIES
A bumble bee busies
A Butterfly rises and dips
And there amid velvet petals
A single hummingbird sips
THE PIERCING OF THE WIND
The piercing of the wind
Iced like the mountain peaks
Brought water to my eyes
And a stinging to my cheeks
It left hands too cold to grip
And lips to numb to speak
It cut through my cloak
And made the outlook bleak
THE STORM RAGED
The storm raged
Thunder roared
And lightning flashed
As rain fell unrestrained
From leaden skies
Like liquid knives
Dropping into the sodden land
Night came early
Beneath the slate grey
Until a tear in the fabric
Of the unremitting deluge
A perfect patch of blue
Showing through the heavy sky
Brought tranquillity
With a glimpse of heaven
Through the darkness
A beam of heavens light
Shone down upon the land
A beacon from above
To let us know
We are not forsaken
THE CHILL WIND
The chill wind
Bitter and biting
Buffeted the house
Rattling the windows
And whistling at the door
Exploiting every weakness
Exposing every crack
To chill us to our bones
THE SPRING MELT
The heavily laden
Mountain slopes
Slowly shed their winter coat
Beginning the slow spring melt
The snow and ice
Releasing the water
Imprisoned within it
Metamorphosing as it seeps
Into every crevice
Rivulets gently trickling
Into dormant streams
Gaining volume and momentum
As it tumbles downward
Swelling and growing
Feeding cascading waterfalls
And white water rapids
As it races to the valleys below
EAST OF KINTYRE
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
On a day so crisp and clear
And looked out towards the east
And it was possible to see
The mystical Ailsa Craig
And the Ayrshire coast beyond
THE CHERRY BLOSSOM
The cherry blossom
Filled the tree
A brief spectacle
Of perfect beauty
Until the petals fell
Like pink snowflakes
And in the breeze
Danced like confetti
Outside the church
On our wedding day
WHITE AS LUNAR LIGHT
White as Lunar light
Moonshine birds fly lonely skies
Where echoes can’t be heard
SNOWDROPS IN WINTER
Snowdrops in winter
Mother natures heralds
Of the coming spring
BUTTERFLIES FLUTTER BY # 2
Butterflies flutter by
On pale Cabbage white wings,
Heralds of beauty
JOYOUS SENSUALITY
Joyous sensuality
In summers scented garden
Under temperate sky
SPRING RAIN IS POURING
Spring rain is pouring
Battered blossoms falling
Pink snow is lying
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
Looking out across the sea
To the distant misty shores
Of Antrim far away
THE SWIFT
The familiar forked tail
And crescent wing
Of the agile Swift in sky
Performing aerobatics
Above the fields of gold
So pleasing to the eye
WISPS OF WHITE
Wisps of White
Decorate the azure blue
Like absent minded stokes
Of an artist’s brush
While the sun bathes the land
With its benevolence
BUTTERFLIES FLUTTER BY # 1
Butterflies flutter by
In Magnolia melancholy
On gossamer wings
IN SPRINGTIME
In springtime
I walk in dappled shade
Down along
A woodland brook
Where Narcissi grow
And bow their heads
In deference
To the singing stream
WEST OF KINTYRE # 2
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
On a day so crisp and clear
And looked out towards the west
Where it was possible to see
Rathlin Island clear as day
And Ballycastle just beyond
LONG TAILED LINNET
Long tailed Linnet
Sweet flying Finch
Trill and twitter
Your pleasant song
All Summer long
THE AIR WAS SULTRY AND STALE
The air was sultry and stale
The heat oppressive
I sought the sanctity of the shade
Embracing its coolness
I walked beneath the leafy canopy
Where the silence welcomed
Contented I walked
In the leafy summer forest
Until within a glade
I came upon a woodland pool
its still dark waters
Looking glass flat.
I peered through my own reflection
Into the charismatic depths
And felt unnervingly as if
I were staring into the depths
Of my own soul
And for the first time
On that sultry summers afternoon
My skin felt cold
IN THE SUMMER FOREST
In the summer forest
I stared into the silent waters
Of the mirrored pool
It was a place spoken oft in lore
An eerie haunted place
The stillest place I’d known
To stand too long
Appreciating its tranquillity
Could cost you your soul
There were no fish
To break the surface
No insect ventured near
Bird song fell silent at its edge
And no creature quenched its thirst
No one knew if its waters were deep
Or merely murky shallows
It was not an inviting place
But if you stared too long
Into its mesmeric shadows
You would not tell the tale
THE PURPLE DEPTHS
The purple depths
Of heather on the hill
Looked down at their reflections
In the watery shadows
Of the timeless loch
BECALMED
We sat becalmed on the cold ocean
I wished to see the waters move
But they remained mirror flat
Still as a silent thought
Lost in the absent echo
As we remained motionless
Beneath a relentless sun
WEST OF KINTYRE # 3
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
On a day so crisp and clear
And looked out towards the west
Where it was possible to make out
Malin Head in Donegal
KINGFISHER, KINGFISHER
Kingfisher, Kingfisher
A glint of silver
Catches your eye
And like an arrow
You dart with purpose
Beneath the water
With barely a splash
Disappearing for a moment
Before returning
With the silver prize
LEAVING WINTERS SHADOW
When we come out
Of winters shadow
And it’s finally spring
There is fire in my heart.
And a lightness in my step
And the world seems full
Of infinite possibilities
THE RICH FED GROUSE THRIVE ON THE MOOR
The rich fed grouse thrive on the moor
The golden hare lives on the valley floor
In the meadow you’ll find rabbits there
While the fox sits patiently in his lair
A BUMBLE BEE BUSIES
A bumble bee busies
A Butterfly rises and dips
And there amid velvet petals
A single hummingbird sips
THE PIERCING OF THE WIND
The piercing of the wind
Iced like the mountain peaks
Brought water to my eyes
And a stinging to my cheeks
It left hands too cold to grip
And lips to numb to speak
It cut through my cloak
And made the outlook bleak
THE STORM RAGED
The storm raged
Thunder roared
And lightning flashed
As rain fell unrestrained
From leaden skies
Like liquid knives
Dropping into the sodden land
Night came early
Beneath the slate grey
Until a tear in the fabric
Of the unremitting deluge
A perfect patch of blue
Showing through the heavy sky
Brought tranquillity
With a glimpse of heaven
Through the darkness
A beam of heavens light
Shone down upon the land
A beacon from above
To let us know
We are not forsaken
THE CHILL WIND
The chill wind
Bitter and biting
Buffeted the house
Rattling the windows
And whistling at the door
Exploiting every weakness
Exposing every crack
To chill us to our bones
THE SPRING MELT
The heavily laden
Mountain slopes
Slowly shed their winter coat
Beginning the slow spring melt
The snow and ice
Releasing the water
Imprisoned within it
Metamorphosing as it seeps
Into every crevice
Rivulets gently trickling
Into dormant streams
Gaining volume and momentum
As it tumbles downward
Swelling and growing
Feeding cascading waterfalls
And white water rapids
As it races to the valleys below
EAST OF KINTYRE
On the Mull of Kintyre
I stood atop the steep cliffs
On a day so crisp and clear
And looked out towards the east
And it was possible to see
The mystical Ailsa Craig
And the Ayrshire coast beyond
THE CHERRY BLOSSOM
The cherry blossom
Filled the tree
A brief spectacle
Of perfect beauty
Until the petals fell
Like pink snowflakes
And in the breeze
Danced like confetti
Outside the church
On our wedding day
WHITE AS LUNAR LIGHT
White as Lunar light
Moonshine birds fly lonely skies
Where echoes can’t be heard
SNOWDROPS IN WINTER
Snowdrops in winter
Mother natures heralds
Of the coming spring
BUTTERFLIES FLUTTER BY # 2
Butterflies flutter by
On pale Cabbage white wings,
Heralds of beauty
JOYOUS SENSUALITY
Joyous sensuality
In summers scented garden
Under temperate sky
SPRING RAIN IS POURING
Spring rain is pouring
Battered blossoms falling
Pink snow is lying
An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 80) Return To The Dragons Lair
On Saturday Morning I was lying in bed, while Claire was getting clean in the shower, waiting impatiently for her to finish so I could get her dirty again.
Bored with waiting I had decided to go and shower in the other bathroom when there was a knock on the front door.
I slipped on my dressing gown and went downstairs and opened the door.
It was the same guy who had woken me the previous Monday when he came to pick up the hire car before I’d finished with it.
This week however I had, so I handed over the keys.
I went back upstairs and Claire still hadn’t appeared so I went and showered myself.
Showered and shaved I went back into the bedroom where I found Claire sitting on the bed loosely wearing a dressing gown
Which gaped from neck to thigh.
She was talking on her mobile.
“Really?” she said
I couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation
“Yes of course I will” Claire said
Again I couldn’t hear anything and to be honest my attention was drawn to what she was doing rather than what she was hearing.
She was sitting on my bed and absentmindedly toying with her freshly laundered pubic hair.
“Yes I’ll let you know” she said “Good bye”
“You’ll never guess what that was about” she said
“You’ll have to tell me then” I replied
“When we were seen by my car last night it was reported to the police” Claire said still twiddling tufts of her pubes in her fingers.
“Are you listening?” she asked and then she realised firstly what she was doing and secondly that I was watching
Which was when she began rubbing herself quite brazenly before my libidinous eyes and my impatience was finally rewarded which was when the fun really started.
What a wonderful start to the day that was.
I would have happily spent the whole day making love to Claire but alas she had to go.
However the problem was how to get her out of my house in broad daylight without being seen.
We decided to have a coffee while we made a plan, and two mugs of coffee later as if in answer to a prayer.
It started to rain, but not just rain, an absolute deluge.
“Oh shitty bloody weather” Claire cursed
“Excellent” I said
“What?” she asked, “It’s horrible”
I went into the utility and came out with a set of waterproofs and a Golfing umbrella.
“If anyone sees you in the woods they’ll think you’re a Golfer” I said “Ditto when you emerge into the lane”
“Perfect” she said “but what if I’m seen getting in the car?”
“Then you say you’re going to the club,” I said
“You’re a very devious man,” Claire said
“I know but the rewards are well worth it” I stated and Claire blushed crimson red.
But having provided Claire with the appropriate clothing we immediately hit upon a snag, the trousers didn’t fit over her skirt, it bunched up under the waterproofs and made it look like she had a bustle.
So she removed the trouser and then had to take her skirt off.
“Don’t get any ideas,” she said when she noticed me looking at her in her knickers and tights.
“Well you could stay a bit longer,” I suggested
“Don’t temp me,” she said quickly pulling on the waterproof trousers they were a little on the large side and the waistband sat just below her bust line.
Then she pulled on the top over her head before slipping on her shoes.
“That’s not going to work,” I said
“Why?” she asked
“No one would wear footwear like that on a golf course,” I told her
“They are a bit of a giveaway, aren’t they?” she admitted
“Indeed” I agreed
“What can I wear then?” she asked
“Molly’s trainers” I said
“What about all my stuff?” she queried
“I’ll drop then into the surgery on Monday, I’ll tell Olivia that you left them in my car yesterday” I said
“God you’re good at this stuff,” Claire said
After I had kissed her goodbye I let her out into the rain.
“Text me when you reach your car” I said
“Will do” she responded and off she went
Meanwhile I gathered her stuff together and put it in her backpack and put it and her overcoat by the front door.
Which was when I got a text
“Made it,” it read
After which I tidied up, changed the bedding on my bed in preparation for Georgia’s demands the next day, washed the soiled set and had an early lunch.
I spent the rest of the day resting because that night I had other fish to fry.
I slept away most of the afternoon in front of the TV and after dinner I spent most of the evening re-watching the DVDS I fell asleep in front of earlier in the day.
I ate supper of cheese and biscuits about 11.30pm and then fell asleep during Match of the Day.
When I woke up it was 2.45am.
I got up from my chair, went for a pee and headed for the clubhouse.
On arriving I checked around the building looking through the windows making sure everyone had left for the night, well almost everyone.
When I was happy the coast was clear I walked round to Snipes office and I saw her sitting at her desk with her back to the window.
She was counting the night’s takings and I smiled to myself as I thought how much she looked like Scrooge in his counting house.
The last time I spied on Agnes I caught her stuffing bank notes into her handbag and punished her accordingly.
Now I was under no illusion that Agnes Snipe “The Wicked Witch of the West” wasn’t still fiddling the books.
But if she was I didn’t care as long as Georgia was looked after.
Now on this occasion I wanted to speak to Agnes in regard to a wedding reception booking, namely that of Simon Fisher and Georgia Gregory.
Agnes had told Georgie that the dates we wanted were no longer available, however Miss Snipe and I knew differently.
Agnes merely wanted to enter into negotiations with me over the dates.
Or to put it another way she wanted me to enter her and negotiate her arse off.
On the night I caught her with her fingers in the till I had let myself in the staff entrance using Georgia’s code.
However since I sullied both Shula Mahajak and the Billiard table on New Year’s Day, they had tightened up on security and now employed a biometric system requiring the staff member’s thumbprint.
So on this occasion as I was expected I just tapped on her office window.
Despite the fact that my visit was not a surprise I nonetheless startled her because she almost jumped out of her chair, which she then swung around so she could check out the source of the tapping.
When she saw it was me she relaxed into a smile and began to fuss with her hair.
I pointed in the direction of the staff entrance and she nodded her understanding.
As I stood outside the door I looked through the glass panel as Agnes appeared in the corridor.
She clearly wasn’t aware I could see her because she began straightening her clothes and when she was about ten yards from the door she hitched up her skirt and adjusted her stocking tops.
I stepped away from the door as she opened it and once inside I said
“Good morning Miss Snipe and how are you”
“I’m well Mr Fisher what a pleasant surprise?” she said
“Well I thought we had things to discuss” I replied
“Perhaps you should come to my office then” Agnes suggested
“I think you know the way”
As we walked down the corridor I said
“I hope you are prepared for some vigorous negotiation Agnes”
“Always” she replied
When we arrived at her office she said
“Take a seat while I prepare the negotiating table”
The desk was already considerably clearer than normal so it didn’t take her long to scoop the remaining clutter into the drawers.
I sat back and watched her as she moved, stretching and bending and judged by the stirring in my pants that preceding’s had made a promising start.
Just as she dropped the last items into her top draw I stood up and as she bent down to place her telephone on the floor I walked up behind her and grabbed her arse with both hands.
Agnes straightened up immediately and said
“Oh no, not from behind Mr Fisher, I want to see it coming this time”
“Whatever you say Miss Snipe” I said and unzipped her skirt before turning her around to face me.
She smiled her thin-lipped smile as I unbuttoned her silk blouse and cast it aside and then she kissed me after which I sank to my knees and dragged her skirt down over her narrow hips.
“Let the negotiations begin Mr Fisher” Agnes said as she stepped out of her skirt and I slipped my hands up her stocking clad legs.
As I undressed her I noticed her skirt and blouse were good quality garments, Agnes did not by from a catalogue.
Her underwear was also of good quality, the stockings were sheer and the teddy was expensive silk.
I had to say that whatever else people might say of her she was she always exquisitely dressed.
Agnes was standing with her bony buttocks resting on the end of the desk with her hands resting on the polished wood as my hands reached her stocking tops and as my fingers began to un-pop the crotch of her Teddy, her hands gripped the edge of the desk.
I pulled the front of her Teddy aside to expose her hairless pussy and as I knelt before her shaven pussy I leant forward and kissed her hairless lips and she murmured in approval.
I parted her lips with my tongue and tasted her umami tang and noshed on her juicy cunt.
As wet as she was it was obvious she had been simmering all day in anticipation of our meeting so it didn’t take long for me to take her to climax.
When I stood up in front of her she was still sitting on the edge of the desk, I quickly pulled the Teddy off over her head and just as swiftly she un-trousered my cock and gripping it firmly she plugged me into her hot cunny.
As my balls reached her labia she wrapped her skinny legs around me and hooked her ankles behind my arse and her arms locked around my neck as I fucked her hard, which is after all what she wanted from me, a good hard fucking.
Agnes was no stranger to cock and she was moaning delightfully as she received one stroke after another appreciating every inch, and the noises she made were not what you would have expected from the prudish well-dressed Miss Snipe that everybody knew.
And as she released her grip from around my neck and lay back on the desk the tone of her moaning became wonderfully dirty.
She had thrown her head back and arched her back displaying her ribs as she neared the end.
And the surprisingly satisfying shag came to an end as I emptied my lot inside her.
I withdrew my dripping stork from her tidy pussy and pulled my trousers up while she was still panting and sighing
“Time for a drink I think” I said as I left Agnes Snipe spread-eagled across her desk oozing onto the blotter.
“I’ll be back for round two in ten minutes”
When I returned to her office from the bar after a well-deserved pint I found Agnes was now completely naked and sitting in her leather chair.
“I think you are a bit over dressed,” she said
I nodded agreement and promptly undressed before walking towards her and sat on the edge of her desk.
Agnes looked at me with a leer before leaning forward and taking my cock in her mouth.
After round two of the negotiations I was redressed and just being let out of the staff entrance when I said.
“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Miss Snipe”
“Likewise” She said
“But I hope that you understand that tonight’s summit has indeed secured the date you wanted for the reception, but not the venue”
“I do,” I said and then Agnes added
“If you want the ballroom then further meetings will be required”
“I never expected anything less” I said, “however another location next time perhaps”
“Yes” she agreed
“I’ll leave the details to you” I said and closed the door behind me.
I had thought before that night that shagging Agnes Snipe in order to get the club for the wedding reception was merely
“Taking one for the team”
But I found it much more enjoyable than I had expected which is why we were to continue our negotiation right up until the week before the wedding
Bored with waiting I had decided to go and shower in the other bathroom when there was a knock on the front door.
I slipped on my dressing gown and went downstairs and opened the door.
It was the same guy who had woken me the previous Monday when he came to pick up the hire car before I’d finished with it.
This week however I had, so I handed over the keys.
I went back upstairs and Claire still hadn’t appeared so I went and showered myself.
Showered and shaved I went back into the bedroom where I found Claire sitting on the bed loosely wearing a dressing gown
Which gaped from neck to thigh.
She was talking on her mobile.
“Really?” she said
I couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation
“Yes of course I will” Claire said
Again I couldn’t hear anything and to be honest my attention was drawn to what she was doing rather than what she was hearing.
She was sitting on my bed and absentmindedly toying with her freshly laundered pubic hair.
“Yes I’ll let you know” she said “Good bye”
“You’ll never guess what that was about” she said
“You’ll have to tell me then” I replied
“When we were seen by my car last night it was reported to the police” Claire said still twiddling tufts of her pubes in her fingers.
“Are you listening?” she asked and then she realised firstly what she was doing and secondly that I was watching
Which was when she began rubbing herself quite brazenly before my libidinous eyes and my impatience was finally rewarded which was when the fun really started.
What a wonderful start to the day that was.
I would have happily spent the whole day making love to Claire but alas she had to go.
However the problem was how to get her out of my house in broad daylight without being seen.
We decided to have a coffee while we made a plan, and two mugs of coffee later as if in answer to a prayer.
It started to rain, but not just rain, an absolute deluge.
“Oh shitty bloody weather” Claire cursed
“Excellent” I said
“What?” she asked, “It’s horrible”
I went into the utility and came out with a set of waterproofs and a Golfing umbrella.
“If anyone sees you in the woods they’ll think you’re a Golfer” I said “Ditto when you emerge into the lane”
“Perfect” she said “but what if I’m seen getting in the car?”
“Then you say you’re going to the club,” I said
“You’re a very devious man,” Claire said
“I know but the rewards are well worth it” I stated and Claire blushed crimson red.
But having provided Claire with the appropriate clothing we immediately hit upon a snag, the trousers didn’t fit over her skirt, it bunched up under the waterproofs and made it look like she had a bustle.
So she removed the trouser and then had to take her skirt off.
“Don’t get any ideas,” she said when she noticed me looking at her in her knickers and tights.
“Well you could stay a bit longer,” I suggested
“Don’t temp me,” she said quickly pulling on the waterproof trousers they were a little on the large side and the waistband sat just below her bust line.
Then she pulled on the top over her head before slipping on her shoes.
“That’s not going to work,” I said
“Why?” she asked
“No one would wear footwear like that on a golf course,” I told her
“They are a bit of a giveaway, aren’t they?” she admitted
“Indeed” I agreed
“What can I wear then?” she asked
“Molly’s trainers” I said
“What about all my stuff?” she queried
“I’ll drop then into the surgery on Monday, I’ll tell Olivia that you left them in my car yesterday” I said
“God you’re good at this stuff,” Claire said
After I had kissed her goodbye I let her out into the rain.
“Text me when you reach your car” I said
“Will do” she responded and off she went
Meanwhile I gathered her stuff together and put it in her backpack and put it and her overcoat by the front door.
Which was when I got a text
“Made it,” it read
After which I tidied up, changed the bedding on my bed in preparation for Georgia’s demands the next day, washed the soiled set and had an early lunch.
I spent the rest of the day resting because that night I had other fish to fry.
I slept away most of the afternoon in front of the TV and after dinner I spent most of the evening re-watching the DVDS I fell asleep in front of earlier in the day.
I ate supper of cheese and biscuits about 11.30pm and then fell asleep during Match of the Day.
When I woke up it was 2.45am.
I got up from my chair, went for a pee and headed for the clubhouse.
On arriving I checked around the building looking through the windows making sure everyone had left for the night, well almost everyone.
When I was happy the coast was clear I walked round to Snipes office and I saw her sitting at her desk with her back to the window.
She was counting the night’s takings and I smiled to myself as I thought how much she looked like Scrooge in his counting house.
The last time I spied on Agnes I caught her stuffing bank notes into her handbag and punished her accordingly.
Now I was under no illusion that Agnes Snipe “The Wicked Witch of the West” wasn’t still fiddling the books.
But if she was I didn’t care as long as Georgia was looked after.
Now on this occasion I wanted to speak to Agnes in regard to a wedding reception booking, namely that of Simon Fisher and Georgia Gregory.
Agnes had told Georgie that the dates we wanted were no longer available, however Miss Snipe and I knew differently.
Agnes merely wanted to enter into negotiations with me over the dates.
Or to put it another way she wanted me to enter her and negotiate her arse off.
On the night I caught her with her fingers in the till I had let myself in the staff entrance using Georgia’s code.
However since I sullied both Shula Mahajak and the Billiard table on New Year’s Day, they had tightened up on security and now employed a biometric system requiring the staff member’s thumbprint.
So on this occasion as I was expected I just tapped on her office window.
Despite the fact that my visit was not a surprise I nonetheless startled her because she almost jumped out of her chair, which she then swung around so she could check out the source of the tapping.
When she saw it was me she relaxed into a smile and began to fuss with her hair.
I pointed in the direction of the staff entrance and she nodded her understanding.
As I stood outside the door I looked through the glass panel as Agnes appeared in the corridor.
She clearly wasn’t aware I could see her because she began straightening her clothes and when she was about ten yards from the door she hitched up her skirt and adjusted her stocking tops.
I stepped away from the door as she opened it and once inside I said
“Good morning Miss Snipe and how are you”
“I’m well Mr Fisher what a pleasant surprise?” she said
“Well I thought we had things to discuss” I replied
“Perhaps you should come to my office then” Agnes suggested
“I think you know the way”
As we walked down the corridor I said
“I hope you are prepared for some vigorous negotiation Agnes”
“Always” she replied
When we arrived at her office she said
“Take a seat while I prepare the negotiating table”
The desk was already considerably clearer than normal so it didn’t take her long to scoop the remaining clutter into the drawers.
I sat back and watched her as she moved, stretching and bending and judged by the stirring in my pants that preceding’s had made a promising start.
Just as she dropped the last items into her top draw I stood up and as she bent down to place her telephone on the floor I walked up behind her and grabbed her arse with both hands.
Agnes straightened up immediately and said
“Oh no, not from behind Mr Fisher, I want to see it coming this time”
“Whatever you say Miss Snipe” I said and unzipped her skirt before turning her around to face me.
She smiled her thin-lipped smile as I unbuttoned her silk blouse and cast it aside and then she kissed me after which I sank to my knees and dragged her skirt down over her narrow hips.
“Let the negotiations begin Mr Fisher” Agnes said as she stepped out of her skirt and I slipped my hands up her stocking clad legs.
As I undressed her I noticed her skirt and blouse were good quality garments, Agnes did not by from a catalogue.
Her underwear was also of good quality, the stockings were sheer and the teddy was expensive silk.
I had to say that whatever else people might say of her she was she always exquisitely dressed.
Agnes was standing with her bony buttocks resting on the end of the desk with her hands resting on the polished wood as my hands reached her stocking tops and as my fingers began to un-pop the crotch of her Teddy, her hands gripped the edge of the desk.
I pulled the front of her Teddy aside to expose her hairless pussy and as I knelt before her shaven pussy I leant forward and kissed her hairless lips and she murmured in approval.
I parted her lips with my tongue and tasted her umami tang and noshed on her juicy cunt.
As wet as she was it was obvious she had been simmering all day in anticipation of our meeting so it didn’t take long for me to take her to climax.
When I stood up in front of her she was still sitting on the edge of the desk, I quickly pulled the Teddy off over her head and just as swiftly she un-trousered my cock and gripping it firmly she plugged me into her hot cunny.
As my balls reached her labia she wrapped her skinny legs around me and hooked her ankles behind my arse and her arms locked around my neck as I fucked her hard, which is after all what she wanted from me, a good hard fucking.
Agnes was no stranger to cock and she was moaning delightfully as she received one stroke after another appreciating every inch, and the noises she made were not what you would have expected from the prudish well-dressed Miss Snipe that everybody knew.
And as she released her grip from around my neck and lay back on the desk the tone of her moaning became wonderfully dirty.
She had thrown her head back and arched her back displaying her ribs as she neared the end.
And the surprisingly satisfying shag came to an end as I emptied my lot inside her.
I withdrew my dripping stork from her tidy pussy and pulled my trousers up while she was still panting and sighing
“Time for a drink I think” I said as I left Agnes Snipe spread-eagled across her desk oozing onto the blotter.
“I’ll be back for round two in ten minutes”
When I returned to her office from the bar after a well-deserved pint I found Agnes was now completely naked and sitting in her leather chair.
“I think you are a bit over dressed,” she said
I nodded agreement and promptly undressed before walking towards her and sat on the edge of her desk.
Agnes looked at me with a leer before leaning forward and taking my cock in her mouth.
After round two of the negotiations I was redressed and just being let out of the staff entrance when I said.
“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Miss Snipe”
“Likewise” She said
“But I hope that you understand that tonight’s summit has indeed secured the date you wanted for the reception, but not the venue”
“I do,” I said and then Agnes added
“If you want the ballroom then further meetings will be required”
“I never expected anything less” I said, “however another location next time perhaps”
“Yes” she agreed
“I’ll leave the details to you” I said and closed the door behind me.
I had thought before that night that shagging Agnes Snipe in order to get the club for the wedding reception was merely
“Taking one for the team”
But I found it much more enjoyable than I had expected which is why we were to continue our negotiation right up until the week before the wedding
An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 79) Good News Week (Part Three)
After breakfasting on Georgia on the kitchen table in Roehampton I checked my watch and then quickly redressed myself as I had to get back to Bushy Down and I was now late.
When Georgia finally rose from the scene of her disgrace I was amused to see she had left a rather magnificent snail trail on the kitchen table.
Georgia made a rather half-hearted effort to redress as she donned a T-shirt, which covered her top half, though her nipples still protruded and the fabric defined her breasts as if she was still naked.
Her bottom half however was still naked as the shirt was too inadequate to preserve her modesty, stopping just above her luxuriant bush and her cute ass.
She walked me to the door.
“I want more of that on Sunday” she said and kissed me
“Don’t worry you’ll be getting more” and I kissed her back.
Then after we had said our goodbyes on the doorstep I battled the rush hour traffic back to the village so I could drive Anne to Heathrow.
I parked in the short stay and took Anne into the terminal.
After she’d checked in and dropped her bags I walked her as far as the security gate.
“Thank you for everything” she said and kissed me warmly
“Katy thought the world of you”
“I’m afraid Katy thought me a better man than I actually am” I responded
“She was a very good judge of character,” Anne said
“Goodbye” and she kissed me again before going through the gate.
After paying for the parking I returned to the car and was very soon on the way back to the village.
It was eleven o’clock when I parked in the surgery car park.
I knew I was early but I didn’t know exactly when Claire was leaving so I was happy to wait as long as necessary.
I had a good view of her car from where I was parked and as I waited I jotted down some outline notes for a rather sordid tales of domestic lust, about a horny girl in a utility room, an accommodating nurse bent over a kitchen worktop and another one about the table manners of a student.
It was twelve thirty when I saw Claire emerge from the surgery.
I didn’t mind the fact I had been waiting for an hour and a half I was just pleased I had managed to produce some very salacious material and an accompanying erection while I was waiting, but most of all I was pleased I hadn’t missed her.
I got out of the car and intercepted her.
“Hi Claire” I said
“Hello Simon” she answered without looking at me “I can’t stop”
“I know” I said, “You have somewhere important to be”
“Yes, Yes” she replied
“Which is why I’m coming with you” I stated
“But...” she started “How did yo…?”
“Come on we’ll go in mine” I insisted before she had chance to think about it and she got in the car without protest.
She sat quietly for a moment and I took her hand and said
“You don’t have to do this on your own”
And Claire began to cry.
When we got underway Claire was still dabbing at her eyes with a hankie.
“I asked Olivia not to tell anyone” she said, “She’s never broken a confidence before”
“She didn’t this time,” I said
Claire looked puzzled
“I was suspicious of absence at the lunch yesterday” I told her “So I got her pissed”
We drove into the driveway of a big private house, which was the home and office of an eminent specialist in all things mammary.
“I’m a bit of a breast specialist myself you know,” I said
“You’re just a tit man, there’s a difference” Claire responded accompanied by a weak smile.
I parked the car and we sat quietly in the car and it was Claire who broke the silence.
“I’m scared Simon” she blurted out “I’m scared I’ve got cancer, I’m scared I’m going to die”
“Aren’t you getting a bit ahead of yourself?” I queried
“I’m not brave like Katy, she was so calm, so serene” Claire said “But I’m terrified,
And what will happen to Brian if I die”
Brian was her disabled husband who needed perpetual care.
“We will cross each and every bridge as and when we reach them” I said holding her hand “I will be with you every step of the way”
Then she hugged me and completely broke down
After several minutes she calmed herself down and said
“Thank you Simon, I’m ready now”
We got out of the car and walked into the doctors and seated ourselves in the lavish reception
“Why did you do it privately?” I asked
“I wanted discretion” she replied, “So many health professionals know me, know my name”
“So why this one in particular?” I said
“Gerald is a friend, I trained with him when I was an S 1” she replied
“I see” I said I wasn’t really interested in the whys and wherefores I just wanted to keep her mind busy while we were waiting.
I didn’t need to think of another question, as there was a buzz from behind the receptionist’s desk.
“Doctor will see you now” she announced
I gave Claire’s hand a squeeze and she said
“Come in with me?”
So we stood up and walked into the doctor’s office.
Twenty minutes later we were sat in the car and Claire was sobbing uncontrollably in my arms.
But they were tears of relief.
The lump turned out to be a cyst, which could be easily removed with a rather large needle.
An appointment was made for Monday morning and the same private hospital she went for the scan.
“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked
“Yes please” she replied
She phoned Olivia and gave her the good news and the relief in Claire’s voice as she spoke was palpable.
“Oh and there’s no need to phone Simon he already knows”
Claire smiled as she listened to Olivia squirming in response.
“He got me drunk,” said the tinny voice
“I know he did” Claire said sympathetically
I couldn’t hear her response but Claire said
“Yes he is a rotten swine”
As we were driving back to Bushy Down in the bright evening sunshine Claire suddenly asked
“Do you have any visitors at the moment?”
“No just me on my lonesome” I replied
“What about Georgia?” she asked
“She’s gone back to Roehampton for a couple of days” I answered and then there was a long silence.
“Do you want some company?” Claire asked coyly
“Are you offering?” I asked her
“I am” she replied
Then after a few moments she continue
“I know I’m a terrible woman, but once in a while it’s nice to feel like I’m part of a proper couple, and I feel that with you and…”
“And today you need that more than ever” I continued for her
“Yes”
It was dark when we got back to the village and I parked the car on the drive.
Although it was Claire’s desire to come to spend the night with me she was conscious of the risk to her reputation if she was seen going through my front door after dark.
So I got out of the car and opened the door while Claire put on one of Georgie’s hats that she found in the door pocket, which disguised her sufficiently to the untrained eye while she dashed in through the door.
We would have to employ a similar subterfuge later on that evening but that was only after we had spent the evening together.
When I had safely smuggled her inside the hall she said
“Is this any kind of way for grownups to behave?” and we both burst out laughing.
But then inevitably we started kissing and began a kind of shuffle along the hall until I picked her up and carried her to the lounge when at the height of passion her stomach started gurgling and it got louder and louder until it culminated in foul tasting belch in my mouth.
“Oh god I’m so sorry” Claire said mortified by her unintentional gastric eruption.
“I haven’t eaten for two days,” she said in her defense
All I could do was laugh, which in turn set her off, and once the giggles set in there is nothing to be done.
So I got the takeaway menus and ten minutes later I was ordering an Indian.
We still had the giggles so I opened a bottle of wine and poured two large glasses.
“I can’t have that much” she said when she saw the size of the glass “I’m driving remember”
“I thought you were staying the night,” I said
“Is that ok?” she asked
“Of course it is, so get that down your neck” I replied
While we waited for dinner to arrive Claire made some phone calls, in between the giggles, just to make sure everything was ok at home.
But every time we thought about renewing our amorous intentions we dissolved into giggles again.
By the time the food arrived we were a little bit pissed and after we’d eaten we were too stuffed for passion so we drank some more instead.
So by the time midnight came around we were quite merry and all of a sudden Claire sat upright and said
“I don’t have a change of clothes”
“That’s ok we’re not going anywhere” I reassured her
“But I’ve got no spare knickers” she emphasized
“You could borrow some of Georgie’s,” I suggested
“No that is wrong on so many levels” she chastised
I was just about to make another suggestion where Claire said
“And commando is not an option”
“Nothing could have been further from my mind,” I said innocently
“Nothing is precisely what was on your mind” she corrected me “and me wearing it” and laughed.
After a few minutes of giggles Claire suddenly announced
“I have an overnight bag in my car for when I’m on call”
“Well lets go and get it then” I said
“But what if someone sees me come in here with my overnight bag” she said anxiously
“They won’t” I said and went out into the hall
“Why not?” she asked
“Because we will be in disguise” I replied and handed her a hoody
She stood up and slipped it on and put the hood up.
“What do you think?” Claire asked as she did her catwalk strut.
I looked her up and down from head to toe.
“You look like a professional woman wearing a hoody” I said frankly “Hold on”
I went upstairs and went to the airing cupboard and then the spare room and returned downstairs.
“Change into these” I said and handed her a pair of joggers, a sweatshirt and a pair of trainers.
“Georgia’s?” she asked
“Molly’s” I replied
“That’s ok then” she said and began undressing but then stopped “Some privacy would be nice”
“I won’t look honest” I lied
Claire gave me a look so I got up and went into the hall, where I could have spied through the crack in the door, which I didn’t, well not much.
Ten minutes later we slipped out the back door into the darkness of the garden like we had just accepted a “Mission Impossible” and then ran giggling into the woods that separated the end of the garden from the 18th fairway.
We skulked our way along the wooded path, like a couple of kids playing soldiers, all the way to the Church Lane where we hugged the shrubbery until we reached the surgery car park.
We gave a long furtive look to make sure there was no one around and then we approached Claire’s car.
She fished the keys from her pocket and unlocked it and it responded with a loud bleep made all the louder by the silence and a flash of the light all the brighter in the darkness.
Startled by the sound of the immobilizer we quickly opened the tailgate and Claire grabbed her backpack, then she reset the alarm and we headed back to the lane.
“Oi you” a voice shouted, “What are you doing there?”
“Come on” I urged her and we ran laughing back into the woods periodically looking over our shoulders to see if we were being pursued.
Once we were in the woods we ran on and on until we crashed in a heap in the undergrowth laughing.
“Shhh” she said, “Someone will hear”
But I couldn’t stop giggling so she decided the only way to shut me up was to kiss me, but what began as a means of suppressing my giggles ended with her tongue darting in and out of my mouth like a viper.
So I returned the kiss to her hot panting mouth.
“This is very nice,” she panted as I rummaged inside her hoody and had just managed to uncup her breasts.
So I can’t express how surprised I was when she suddenly leapt up and said
“Oh no you don’t” and ran off down the path.
I scramble to me feet as quickly as possible and ran after and although she had a good head start it didn’t take long for me to close the ground on her and I grabbed hold of her back pack and pull her back.
But her progress was only halted momentarily as she wriggled free of the straps and I ended up sitting on my arse holding the bag.
And to add insult onto injury she flashed her Charlie’s at me and ran off laughing.
“That’s dirty fighting” I called after her and quickly got back to my feet.
But she managed to show me a clean pair of heels all the way back to the house.
“Well that was quite an adventure wasn’t it?” she said as she kicked off her shoes.
“It’s a shame you couldn’t keep up”
“I don’t think you truly appreciated the difficulty in running whilst sporting an erection,” I said somewhat pompously as I slipped my shoes off
“You have an erection?” she asked smiling “let’s have a look”
“You do realise that, like a samurai, if I draw my weapon I have to use it?” I responded
“Ok” she said and stood biting her lip as I dropped my pants and trousers.
Claire studied my hard on intently for a few moments and then said
“I don’t think I’ll bother after all”
“You cheeky cow” I said affronted as she turned on her heels and ran out of the kitchen giggling like a schoolgirl.
I kicked away the pants and trousers that were restricting my ankles and sprinted after her.
And I caught her halfway up the stairs and she screamed as I grabbed her by the waist.
“Got yer,” I said
“I thought you couldn’t run fast with a stiffy,” she said
“Not when it’s unrestricted,” I said as I tugged her clothes down and exposed her gorgeous buttocks and the moist pink gash between them.
I moved my hands up under her hoody and cupped her luscious fruits as my cock plunged into her wetness and she exclaimed a delicious moan of pleasure.
I withdrew and repeated the action and elicited another moan before withdrawing again but this time as my helmet began its penetration to my great surprise Claire scrambled up the stairs.
I reached out to grab her and got a good hold of her joggers but she continued to wriggle away and I was left holding her empty joggers.
Once free of my clutches she scrambled to the top of the stairs with her knickers around her knees, she quickly slipped them off and bent down to retrieve them.
Claire was giggling as she wiped her moist minge with the pink panties and then threw them in my face.
I picked them up and held them to my nose and watched her giggling on the landing.
“You dirty little doctor” I said and began slowly ascending the stairs.
Claire screamed and bolted in to my bedroom as I pulled my hoody off over my head.
She was kneeling naked in the middle of the bed as I walked into the room, my cock having momentarily preceded my entrance.
Claire was licking her lips as I approached, then as I kneelt on the bed she turned her back on me, I thought she was going to make me chase her again but instead she bent over and offered her pink pussy to me and said.
“Come on then Samurai it’s time to use your weapon”
Always willing to oblige I tucked in behind her and slipped comfortably inside her hot cunny.
Claire moaned whorishly with each penetration and I grunted in my turn.
It was not a long drawn out affair as both of us were at a heightened state of horniness due to our adventurous foreplay.
Almost in record time we grunted and moaned our way to a satisfying climax and collapsed in a sweaty heap.
Our encore however was a much more methodical act of passionate expression and mutual satisfaction.
When Georgia finally rose from the scene of her disgrace I was amused to see she had left a rather magnificent snail trail on the kitchen table.
Georgia made a rather half-hearted effort to redress as she donned a T-shirt, which covered her top half, though her nipples still protruded and the fabric defined her breasts as if she was still naked.
Her bottom half however was still naked as the shirt was too inadequate to preserve her modesty, stopping just above her luxuriant bush and her cute ass.
She walked me to the door.
“I want more of that on Sunday” she said and kissed me
“Don’t worry you’ll be getting more” and I kissed her back.
Then after we had said our goodbyes on the doorstep I battled the rush hour traffic back to the village so I could drive Anne to Heathrow.
I parked in the short stay and took Anne into the terminal.
After she’d checked in and dropped her bags I walked her as far as the security gate.
“Thank you for everything” she said and kissed me warmly
“Katy thought the world of you”
“I’m afraid Katy thought me a better man than I actually am” I responded
“She was a very good judge of character,” Anne said
“Goodbye” and she kissed me again before going through the gate.
After paying for the parking I returned to the car and was very soon on the way back to the village.
It was eleven o’clock when I parked in the surgery car park.
I knew I was early but I didn’t know exactly when Claire was leaving so I was happy to wait as long as necessary.
I had a good view of her car from where I was parked and as I waited I jotted down some outline notes for a rather sordid tales of domestic lust, about a horny girl in a utility room, an accommodating nurse bent over a kitchen worktop and another one about the table manners of a student.
It was twelve thirty when I saw Claire emerge from the surgery.
I didn’t mind the fact I had been waiting for an hour and a half I was just pleased I had managed to produce some very salacious material and an accompanying erection while I was waiting, but most of all I was pleased I hadn’t missed her.
I got out of the car and intercepted her.
“Hi Claire” I said
“Hello Simon” she answered without looking at me “I can’t stop”
“I know” I said, “You have somewhere important to be”
“Yes, Yes” she replied
“Which is why I’m coming with you” I stated
“But...” she started “How did yo…?”
“Come on we’ll go in mine” I insisted before she had chance to think about it and she got in the car without protest.
She sat quietly for a moment and I took her hand and said
“You don’t have to do this on your own”
And Claire began to cry.
When we got underway Claire was still dabbing at her eyes with a hankie.
“I asked Olivia not to tell anyone” she said, “She’s never broken a confidence before”
“She didn’t this time,” I said
Claire looked puzzled
“I was suspicious of absence at the lunch yesterday” I told her “So I got her pissed”
We drove into the driveway of a big private house, which was the home and office of an eminent specialist in all things mammary.
“I’m a bit of a breast specialist myself you know,” I said
“You’re just a tit man, there’s a difference” Claire responded accompanied by a weak smile.
I parked the car and we sat quietly in the car and it was Claire who broke the silence.
“I’m scared Simon” she blurted out “I’m scared I’ve got cancer, I’m scared I’m going to die”
“Aren’t you getting a bit ahead of yourself?” I queried
“I’m not brave like Katy, she was so calm, so serene” Claire said “But I’m terrified,
And what will happen to Brian if I die”
Brian was her disabled husband who needed perpetual care.
“We will cross each and every bridge as and when we reach them” I said holding her hand “I will be with you every step of the way”
Then she hugged me and completely broke down
After several minutes she calmed herself down and said
“Thank you Simon, I’m ready now”
We got out of the car and walked into the doctors and seated ourselves in the lavish reception
“Why did you do it privately?” I asked
“I wanted discretion” she replied, “So many health professionals know me, know my name”
“So why this one in particular?” I said
“Gerald is a friend, I trained with him when I was an S 1” she replied
“I see” I said I wasn’t really interested in the whys and wherefores I just wanted to keep her mind busy while we were waiting.
I didn’t need to think of another question, as there was a buzz from behind the receptionist’s desk.
“Doctor will see you now” she announced
I gave Claire’s hand a squeeze and she said
“Come in with me?”
So we stood up and walked into the doctor’s office.
Twenty minutes later we were sat in the car and Claire was sobbing uncontrollably in my arms.
But they were tears of relief.
The lump turned out to be a cyst, which could be easily removed with a rather large needle.
An appointment was made for Monday morning and the same private hospital she went for the scan.
“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked
“Yes please” she replied
She phoned Olivia and gave her the good news and the relief in Claire’s voice as she spoke was palpable.
“Oh and there’s no need to phone Simon he already knows”
Claire smiled as she listened to Olivia squirming in response.
“He got me drunk,” said the tinny voice
“I know he did” Claire said sympathetically
I couldn’t hear her response but Claire said
“Yes he is a rotten swine”
As we were driving back to Bushy Down in the bright evening sunshine Claire suddenly asked
“Do you have any visitors at the moment?”
“No just me on my lonesome” I replied
“What about Georgia?” she asked
“She’s gone back to Roehampton for a couple of days” I answered and then there was a long silence.
“Do you want some company?” Claire asked coyly
“Are you offering?” I asked her
“I am” she replied
Then after a few moments she continue
“I know I’m a terrible woman, but once in a while it’s nice to feel like I’m part of a proper couple, and I feel that with you and…”
“And today you need that more than ever” I continued for her
“Yes”
It was dark when we got back to the village and I parked the car on the drive.
Although it was Claire’s desire to come to spend the night with me she was conscious of the risk to her reputation if she was seen going through my front door after dark.
So I got out of the car and opened the door while Claire put on one of Georgie’s hats that she found in the door pocket, which disguised her sufficiently to the untrained eye while she dashed in through the door.
We would have to employ a similar subterfuge later on that evening but that was only after we had spent the evening together.
When I had safely smuggled her inside the hall she said
“Is this any kind of way for grownups to behave?” and we both burst out laughing.
But then inevitably we started kissing and began a kind of shuffle along the hall until I picked her up and carried her to the lounge when at the height of passion her stomach started gurgling and it got louder and louder until it culminated in foul tasting belch in my mouth.
“Oh god I’m so sorry” Claire said mortified by her unintentional gastric eruption.
“I haven’t eaten for two days,” she said in her defense
All I could do was laugh, which in turn set her off, and once the giggles set in there is nothing to be done.
So I got the takeaway menus and ten minutes later I was ordering an Indian.
We still had the giggles so I opened a bottle of wine and poured two large glasses.
“I can’t have that much” she said when she saw the size of the glass “I’m driving remember”
“I thought you were staying the night,” I said
“Is that ok?” she asked
“Of course it is, so get that down your neck” I replied
While we waited for dinner to arrive Claire made some phone calls, in between the giggles, just to make sure everything was ok at home.
But every time we thought about renewing our amorous intentions we dissolved into giggles again.
By the time the food arrived we were a little bit pissed and after we’d eaten we were too stuffed for passion so we drank some more instead.
So by the time midnight came around we were quite merry and all of a sudden Claire sat upright and said
“I don’t have a change of clothes”
“That’s ok we’re not going anywhere” I reassured her
“But I’ve got no spare knickers” she emphasized
“You could borrow some of Georgie’s,” I suggested
“No that is wrong on so many levels” she chastised
I was just about to make another suggestion where Claire said
“And commando is not an option”
“Nothing could have been further from my mind,” I said innocently
“Nothing is precisely what was on your mind” she corrected me “and me wearing it” and laughed.
After a few minutes of giggles Claire suddenly announced
“I have an overnight bag in my car for when I’m on call”
“Well lets go and get it then” I said
“But what if someone sees me come in here with my overnight bag” she said anxiously
“They won’t” I said and went out into the hall
“Why not?” she asked
“Because we will be in disguise” I replied and handed her a hoody
She stood up and slipped it on and put the hood up.
“What do you think?” Claire asked as she did her catwalk strut.
I looked her up and down from head to toe.
“You look like a professional woman wearing a hoody” I said frankly “Hold on”
I went upstairs and went to the airing cupboard and then the spare room and returned downstairs.
“Change into these” I said and handed her a pair of joggers, a sweatshirt and a pair of trainers.
“Georgia’s?” she asked
“Molly’s” I replied
“That’s ok then” she said and began undressing but then stopped “Some privacy would be nice”
“I won’t look honest” I lied
Claire gave me a look so I got up and went into the hall, where I could have spied through the crack in the door, which I didn’t, well not much.
Ten minutes later we slipped out the back door into the darkness of the garden like we had just accepted a “Mission Impossible” and then ran giggling into the woods that separated the end of the garden from the 18th fairway.
We skulked our way along the wooded path, like a couple of kids playing soldiers, all the way to the Church Lane where we hugged the shrubbery until we reached the surgery car park.
We gave a long furtive look to make sure there was no one around and then we approached Claire’s car.
She fished the keys from her pocket and unlocked it and it responded with a loud bleep made all the louder by the silence and a flash of the light all the brighter in the darkness.
Startled by the sound of the immobilizer we quickly opened the tailgate and Claire grabbed her backpack, then she reset the alarm and we headed back to the lane.
“Oi you” a voice shouted, “What are you doing there?”
“Come on” I urged her and we ran laughing back into the woods periodically looking over our shoulders to see if we were being pursued.
Once we were in the woods we ran on and on until we crashed in a heap in the undergrowth laughing.
“Shhh” she said, “Someone will hear”
But I couldn’t stop giggling so she decided the only way to shut me up was to kiss me, but what began as a means of suppressing my giggles ended with her tongue darting in and out of my mouth like a viper.
So I returned the kiss to her hot panting mouth.
“This is very nice,” she panted as I rummaged inside her hoody and had just managed to uncup her breasts.
So I can’t express how surprised I was when she suddenly leapt up and said
“Oh no you don’t” and ran off down the path.
I scramble to me feet as quickly as possible and ran after and although she had a good head start it didn’t take long for me to close the ground on her and I grabbed hold of her back pack and pull her back.
But her progress was only halted momentarily as she wriggled free of the straps and I ended up sitting on my arse holding the bag.
And to add insult onto injury she flashed her Charlie’s at me and ran off laughing.
“That’s dirty fighting” I called after her and quickly got back to my feet.
But she managed to show me a clean pair of heels all the way back to the house.
“Well that was quite an adventure wasn’t it?” she said as she kicked off her shoes.
“It’s a shame you couldn’t keep up”
“I don’t think you truly appreciated the difficulty in running whilst sporting an erection,” I said somewhat pompously as I slipped my shoes off
“You have an erection?” she asked smiling “let’s have a look”
“You do realise that, like a samurai, if I draw my weapon I have to use it?” I responded
“Ok” she said and stood biting her lip as I dropped my pants and trousers.
Claire studied my hard on intently for a few moments and then said
“I don’t think I’ll bother after all”
“You cheeky cow” I said affronted as she turned on her heels and ran out of the kitchen giggling like a schoolgirl.
I kicked away the pants and trousers that were restricting my ankles and sprinted after her.
And I caught her halfway up the stairs and she screamed as I grabbed her by the waist.
“Got yer,” I said
“I thought you couldn’t run fast with a stiffy,” she said
“Not when it’s unrestricted,” I said as I tugged her clothes down and exposed her gorgeous buttocks and the moist pink gash between them.
I moved my hands up under her hoody and cupped her luscious fruits as my cock plunged into her wetness and she exclaimed a delicious moan of pleasure.
I withdrew and repeated the action and elicited another moan before withdrawing again but this time as my helmet began its penetration to my great surprise Claire scrambled up the stairs.
I reached out to grab her and got a good hold of her joggers but she continued to wriggle away and I was left holding her empty joggers.
Once free of my clutches she scrambled to the top of the stairs with her knickers around her knees, she quickly slipped them off and bent down to retrieve them.
Claire was giggling as she wiped her moist minge with the pink panties and then threw them in my face.
I picked them up and held them to my nose and watched her giggling on the landing.
“You dirty little doctor” I said and began slowly ascending the stairs.
Claire screamed and bolted in to my bedroom as I pulled my hoody off over my head.
She was kneeling naked in the middle of the bed as I walked into the room, my cock having momentarily preceded my entrance.
Claire was licking her lips as I approached, then as I kneelt on the bed she turned her back on me, I thought she was going to make me chase her again but instead she bent over and offered her pink pussy to me and said.
“Come on then Samurai it’s time to use your weapon”
Always willing to oblige I tucked in behind her and slipped comfortably inside her hot cunny.
Claire moaned whorishly with each penetration and I grunted in my turn.
It was not a long drawn out affair as both of us were at a heightened state of horniness due to our adventurous foreplay.
Almost in record time we grunted and moaned our way to a satisfying climax and collapsed in a sweaty heap.
Our encore however was a much more methodical act of passionate expression and mutual satisfaction.
An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 78) Good News Week (Part Two)
After a glorious celebratory shag with Molly in the Kitchen, always a delight to engage with her shaven haven, I only had time for a quick sandwich before driving to High Wycombe to pick up Anne who had been staying with a succession of friends before she had to return to Khartoum.
Courtesy of the SatNav I found the address with ease and after a quick cuppa we were soon on our way.
As I drove I realized it was the same route from High Wycombe I had taken with
Pandora after our St Andrews Day adventure but apart from the obvious trouser tickle I got from the reminiscence of Pandora that weekend.
I was then struck with the realization of how thankful I was that the house would have a visitor again even if it was just for a couple of days.
Anne and I ate together on Wednesday evening and then she enthusiastically reviewed her sojourn and spared no detail in the telling.
On Thursday I spent the morning with Georgia, well for a few hours anyway before she had to get back to work.
But she was a bit down, at first I thought she must have the painters in but she was as horny as hell and I had to shag her in the utility room while Anne was watching Loose Women on TV in the lounge.
It was while she was putting her knickers back on that she told me what the problem was.
“Snipe says the ballroom is booked on the Saturday either side of our anniversary date” she said and started to sob. “She said we could have it if there’s a cancelation, but that’s not likely is it”
The Snipe she was referring to was the commercial manager at the Golf Club Agnes Snipe.
I comforted her the best I could but I couldn’t tell her how, but I knew precisely how to ensure a cancellation and subsequently secure the booking.
Which I thought I might try and accomplish at the weekend while she was away.
“It’ll be ok,” I said
I walked Georgia to work and I made sure that I made eye contact with her boss who smiled knowingly at me.
When I had kissed Georgia goodbye I went in search of Snipe and I found her headed towards her office.
“Hello Agnes” I said
“Oh hello Simon” she replied a little flustered.
“Are you keeping busy?” I asked
“Yes very busy” Snipe replied
“Do you still burn the midnight oil?” I asked her
“Yes I do” she replied with a blush “Especially on a Saturday night”
“I’ll bear that in mind Agnes” I said
Then I walked back across the course on my way to Mahajaks to see Shula as instructed.
I had to admit I was a little intrigued, but when I got to the shop it was obvious to see that Shula and Alois had something to share.
“Simon” she said excitedly and ran towards me.
“Simon” she said again “Alois darling Simon’s here”
“Simon” Alois said as he offered his hand
“We wanted you to be the first to know” Shula said and then danced excitedly on the spot, then after a quick glance at Alois they said together
“We are engaged”
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Aunt Anjuli said
And not for the first time that week I found myself saying
“Congratulations”
When I left the happy group in the shop I walked home and freshened up before driving Anne to the Golf Club where Pandora and Judith had arranged a farewell lunch for her before she flew back to Khartoum on the next day.
When we walked into the club the other guests were already there.
They were all people whom she had come to know as a result of her sister Katy’s illness and passing, the Vicar, Robert Hunter and his faience Tilly, Molly who organized all the nursing care, Pandora, Judith and the practice manager Olivia Adamson.
There was however one notable absentee, Dr Claire Andrews who was not only the clinical lead on Katy’s care but was also her friend.
Once we were all settled at the table and the wine was flowing I asked Olivia where Claire was.
“Something came up” she replied which to me felt very much like a brush off.
I didn’t say anything though I just bided my time and kept her wine glass topped up.
By the time the coffee arrived she was totally bladdered and she dropped her guard.
“So where did you say Claire was?” I asked her casually
“She’s seeing a specialist” she replied
“Really?” I asked “Why?”
“Because of the lump” Olivia answered
“What lump?” I asked her directly
“Oh god I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone” Olivia said and put her head in her hands.
“Everything ok over there?” Pandora asked
“Too much wine” I replied and laughed
“I’ll take her outside for some fresh air”
Once outside I sat her at one of the tables and said sharply
“Now tell me everything”
After Olivier had spilled the beans completely I told her to call me as soon as she knew what was happening.
But just as we were returning to the meal her mobile rang.
She took it out of her bag and looked at the screen.
“It’s Claire,” she said
I nodded to her to answer it, which she did.
When she had finished she put her phone away and too my unasked question she said
“She’s at the breast clinic”
“And?” I asked
“She’s having a scan” Olivia said “She’s seeing the specialist again tomorrow lunchtime for the results”
“Ok” I said and we went back to the table.
The next morning I was up very early so I could drive a very sleepy headed Georgia to Roehampton.
I had risen early in both senses of the term thinking I might start the day by skewering my girlfriend.
But she rebuffed my advances
“I’m too sleepy Simon,” she said
She was going to a gig on Saturday night with her housemates; it was a kind of end of term celebration.
The house was empty when we got there; I took her bags up to her room while Georgia went into the kitchen to make coffee.
I put the cases on her bed and went back downstairs.
As I got to the bottom I called out to her
“I don’t think I’m going to have time for coffee”
“Oh ok” Georgia called from the kitchen “You’d better come and say goodbye then”
“Where are you?” I shouted
“I’m in the kitchen” she called back so I walked down the hall and into the kitchen and found Georgia lying draped across the kitchen table like an erotic buffet completely naked casually teasing a large pink nipple with one hand and fingering herself with the other.
“Do you have enough time for some of this?” she asked
“Always” I replied as I un-trousered my stirring beast.
“I thought you were too sleepy for a shag,” I said
“I’ve woken up now” she replied
“So I can see,” I said as I watched her busy fingers vigorously frigging herself.
And I stood there looking down on her, keenly watching her small fingers, wet with her juice, slipping and sliding her to orgasm as I tugged on my cock.
When she had writhed and wriggled herself to orgasm and then she lustily sucked the tangy grease from her fingers I grabbed her by the knees and dragged her horny carcass towards my waiting cock.
Having pulled her pussy to the edge of the table Georgia’s cunny was presented to me at perfect cock height so I wasted no time at all in spearing her.
“Oh God Simon” She moaned, “That feels so good”
I withdrew but so impatient was she that Georgia wrapped her long legs around me and pulled me back into her.
She moaned loudly and smiled smugly at how clever she had been in making me skewer her again.
Then I gave her another one and her hands gripped the sides of the table to brace herself.
Georgie gave great panting moans with each stroke and her head rolled from side to side as the frenetic pace quickened.
The table legs began to screech on the tiled floor and her knuckles showed white as gripped the table harder with each thrust.
I had to grip the table myself to try and halt its progress across the kitchen floor.
Her chest was heaving up and down as she neared the end and her moans had long since merged into one continuous whorish wail until her face contorted into an orgasmic grimace as her back arched and her whole body shuddered in a climactic crescendo and I lost control and in short pumping spasms I shot.
When I looked down at the sweaty panting wreck I thought the erotic buffet now looked like it had been well and truly enjoyed.
As it most certainly had been and by the time I had put the last length into her pussy the table had moved two feet from its original position.
When we had finally stopped panting she said
“Now you may go about your business” and released me from the grip of her legs and I withdrew from her.
“Cheeky mare” I said and lifted her legs and spanked her arse.
She let out a yelp as my hand slapped a red handprint on her cheek but then she chuckled.
Courtesy of the SatNav I found the address with ease and after a quick cuppa we were soon on our way.
As I drove I realized it was the same route from High Wycombe I had taken with
Pandora after our St Andrews Day adventure but apart from the obvious trouser tickle I got from the reminiscence of Pandora that weekend.
I was then struck with the realization of how thankful I was that the house would have a visitor again even if it was just for a couple of days.
Anne and I ate together on Wednesday evening and then she enthusiastically reviewed her sojourn and spared no detail in the telling.
On Thursday I spent the morning with Georgia, well for a few hours anyway before she had to get back to work.
But she was a bit down, at first I thought she must have the painters in but she was as horny as hell and I had to shag her in the utility room while Anne was watching Loose Women on TV in the lounge.
It was while she was putting her knickers back on that she told me what the problem was.
“Snipe says the ballroom is booked on the Saturday either side of our anniversary date” she said and started to sob. “She said we could have it if there’s a cancelation, but that’s not likely is it”
The Snipe she was referring to was the commercial manager at the Golf Club Agnes Snipe.
I comforted her the best I could but I couldn’t tell her how, but I knew precisely how to ensure a cancellation and subsequently secure the booking.
Which I thought I might try and accomplish at the weekend while she was away.
“It’ll be ok,” I said
I walked Georgia to work and I made sure that I made eye contact with her boss who smiled knowingly at me.
When I had kissed Georgia goodbye I went in search of Snipe and I found her headed towards her office.
“Hello Agnes” I said
“Oh hello Simon” she replied a little flustered.
“Are you keeping busy?” I asked
“Yes very busy” Snipe replied
“Do you still burn the midnight oil?” I asked her
“Yes I do” she replied with a blush “Especially on a Saturday night”
“I’ll bear that in mind Agnes” I said
Then I walked back across the course on my way to Mahajaks to see Shula as instructed.
I had to admit I was a little intrigued, but when I got to the shop it was obvious to see that Shula and Alois had something to share.
“Simon” she said excitedly and ran towards me.
“Simon” she said again “Alois darling Simon’s here”
“Simon” Alois said as he offered his hand
“We wanted you to be the first to know” Shula said and then danced excitedly on the spot, then after a quick glance at Alois they said together
“We are engaged”
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Aunt Anjuli said
And not for the first time that week I found myself saying
“Congratulations”
When I left the happy group in the shop I walked home and freshened up before driving Anne to the Golf Club where Pandora and Judith had arranged a farewell lunch for her before she flew back to Khartoum on the next day.
When we walked into the club the other guests were already there.
They were all people whom she had come to know as a result of her sister Katy’s illness and passing, the Vicar, Robert Hunter and his faience Tilly, Molly who organized all the nursing care, Pandora, Judith and the practice manager Olivia Adamson.
There was however one notable absentee, Dr Claire Andrews who was not only the clinical lead on Katy’s care but was also her friend.
Once we were all settled at the table and the wine was flowing I asked Olivia where Claire was.
“Something came up” she replied which to me felt very much like a brush off.
I didn’t say anything though I just bided my time and kept her wine glass topped up.
By the time the coffee arrived she was totally bladdered and she dropped her guard.
“So where did you say Claire was?” I asked her casually
“She’s seeing a specialist” she replied
“Really?” I asked “Why?”
“Because of the lump” Olivia answered
“What lump?” I asked her directly
“Oh god I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone” Olivia said and put her head in her hands.
“Everything ok over there?” Pandora asked
“Too much wine” I replied and laughed
“I’ll take her outside for some fresh air”
Once outside I sat her at one of the tables and said sharply
“Now tell me everything”
After Olivier had spilled the beans completely I told her to call me as soon as she knew what was happening.
But just as we were returning to the meal her mobile rang.
She took it out of her bag and looked at the screen.
“It’s Claire,” she said
I nodded to her to answer it, which she did.
When she had finished she put her phone away and too my unasked question she said
“She’s at the breast clinic”
“And?” I asked
“She’s having a scan” Olivia said “She’s seeing the specialist again tomorrow lunchtime for the results”
“Ok” I said and we went back to the table.
The next morning I was up very early so I could drive a very sleepy headed Georgia to Roehampton.
I had risen early in both senses of the term thinking I might start the day by skewering my girlfriend.
But she rebuffed my advances
“I’m too sleepy Simon,” she said
She was going to a gig on Saturday night with her housemates; it was a kind of end of term celebration.
The house was empty when we got there; I took her bags up to her room while Georgia went into the kitchen to make coffee.
I put the cases on her bed and went back downstairs.
As I got to the bottom I called out to her
“I don’t think I’m going to have time for coffee”
“Oh ok” Georgia called from the kitchen “You’d better come and say goodbye then”
“Where are you?” I shouted
“I’m in the kitchen” she called back so I walked down the hall and into the kitchen and found Georgia lying draped across the kitchen table like an erotic buffet completely naked casually teasing a large pink nipple with one hand and fingering herself with the other.
“Do you have enough time for some of this?” she asked
“Always” I replied as I un-trousered my stirring beast.
“I thought you were too sleepy for a shag,” I said
“I’ve woken up now” she replied
“So I can see,” I said as I watched her busy fingers vigorously frigging herself.
And I stood there looking down on her, keenly watching her small fingers, wet with her juice, slipping and sliding her to orgasm as I tugged on my cock.
When she had writhed and wriggled herself to orgasm and then she lustily sucked the tangy grease from her fingers I grabbed her by the knees and dragged her horny carcass towards my waiting cock.
Having pulled her pussy to the edge of the table Georgia’s cunny was presented to me at perfect cock height so I wasted no time at all in spearing her.
“Oh God Simon” She moaned, “That feels so good”
I withdrew but so impatient was she that Georgia wrapped her long legs around me and pulled me back into her.
She moaned loudly and smiled smugly at how clever she had been in making me skewer her again.
Then I gave her another one and her hands gripped the sides of the table to brace herself.
Georgie gave great panting moans with each stroke and her head rolled from side to side as the frenetic pace quickened.
The table legs began to screech on the tiled floor and her knuckles showed white as gripped the table harder with each thrust.
I had to grip the table myself to try and halt its progress across the kitchen floor.
Her chest was heaving up and down as she neared the end and her moans had long since merged into one continuous whorish wail until her face contorted into an orgasmic grimace as her back arched and her whole body shuddered in a climactic crescendo and I lost control and in short pumping spasms I shot.
When I looked down at the sweaty panting wreck I thought the erotic buffet now looked like it had been well and truly enjoyed.
As it most certainly had been and by the time I had put the last length into her pussy the table had moved two feet from its original position.
When we had finally stopped panting she said
“Now you may go about your business” and released me from the grip of her legs and I withdrew from her.
“Cheeky mare” I said and lifted her legs and spanked her arse.
She let out a yelp as my hand slapped a red handprint on her cheek but then she chuckled.
An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 77) Good News Week (Part One)
After entertaining Emily in an Artistic manner in the courtyard outside the Art Gallery it was after two o’clock when I reached The Bell, and under normal circumstances they wouldn’t let anyone else in at that time but as I was an Angel the doormen all knew me, they let me in.
It was very busy and took me a while to find Tristan but I eventually tracked him down.
He was hidden in a corner and greeted me with a warm smile and a cheer although it was so noisy that I didn’t hear the cheer but I still knew it happened anyway.
We had a beer together and stayed until closing time.
Conversation was difficult in the pub due to a combination of the music and everyone shouting to make themselves heard.
It wasn’t until we emerged on to the street that we had a proper conversation that is to say “a proper conversation” when one party is pissed and the other one isn’t.
He was gushing about the love of his life, Dakota Browning, and how wonderful she was.
“Wait until she shags you” I thought to myself “Then you’ll know how wonderful she is”
“Things are going well then?” I asked
“Oh yes” he said, “I think so”
He then proceeded to give me all the minutiae of their burgeoning relationships.
Despite the very real risk that he might bore me to death I offered to drive him home, but my worst fears weren’t realized as he rewarded me by promptly falling asleep.
When I got back to the village I stopped the car on his driveway and shook him awake.
He got out of the car rather ungainly and took a few unsteady steps to his front door; he fumbled briefly in his pocket for his door key, which he waved at me with a flourish before inserting it into the lock at the third attempt.
When he had the door open he turned and waved before stumbling inside and closing the door.
On Sunday morning I woke annoyingly early and couldn’t get back to sleep so I got up and was greeted by a quiet empty house again.
I made coffee and sat in the kitchen feeling rather lonely and pondered how I was going to fill my day.
Georgie was working all day and I wouldn’t see her until the next day.
As I stared into my coffee cup I heard a familiar voice.
“For goodness sake pull yourself together,” it said, “it’s a good news week”
The voice belonged to Katy Oliver, though she wasn’t really there.
“Ok Katy” I replied and instead of feeling sorry for myself I got up and got myself ready for church.
As I walked to St Lucy’s I tried to think what Katy meant by saying “its a good news week”, but the only thing I could think of was a song from the 1960’s by a one hit wonder group of RAF men, Hedgehoppers Anonymous.
And the reason I was so familiar with it was because it was a favourite of my Dads and it was on one of the tapes he always played in the car.
And the song just went round and around inside my head even during the service.
It's good news week
Someone's dropped a bomb somewhere
Contaminating atmosphere
And blackening the sky
It's good news week
Someone's found a way to give
The rotting dead a will to live
Go on and never die
Have you heard the news
What did it say?
Who's won that race?
What's the weather like today?
It's good news week
Families shake the need for gold
By stimulating birth control
We're wanting less to eat
It's good news week
Doctors finding many ways
Of wrapping brains on metal trays
To keep us from the heat
Now although I wasn’t sure exactly what Katy’s disembodied voice meant, I was pretty sure it wasn’t that.
But with my head stuck in a constant loop of Hedgehoppers I decided there was no point in beating myself up over it.
And the moment I stopped trying to divine the meaning the sound tract stopped and I was able to enjoy the rest of the service in peace.
After the service ended most of the congregation spilled out through the doors and the milled around chatting and spreading the word along with a little gossip.
Which I did in my turn, there were many familiar faces in the crowd and I spoke to most of them in the spring sunshine.
Just as the crowd had visibly thinned and I was about to amble away myself I felt a tug on my arm.
“Simon” the voice said
I turned around to face the source of the voice.
“Hi Tilly” I said
“You can’t go yet,” she said in a hushed whisper.
“Why not?” I asked, “I’m hungry, and I missed breakfast”
“Because you can’t” she insisted “come into the church”
“What for?” I asked as she steered me unceremoniously through the door, smiling and the remaining parishioners as we went.
“What is going on?” I asked again as we reached the transept, where a very green looking Tristan was slouched in the nearest pew.
“Have you kidnapped him as well?”
“Sit down and stop your fussing and wait until Robert gets here,” Tilly said forcefully, so I sat down next to Tristan.
“What’s this about?” I asked him
“Don’t know,” he answered “she just came to the house this morning and dragged me out of my sick bed and forced me to come here”
“You aren’t sick you’re just hung over” Tilly snapped “So stopped whining”
“Harsh” He replied
“Very” I added
Just then we heard Roberts distinctive footsteps coming down the aisle, which turned out to be quite appropriate in light of what we were about to hear.
Robert joined Tilly and stood holding her hand
“Well” he said slowly and deliberately “we have an announcement to make”
Tilly was fidgeting and shuffling her feet as he spoke and it was clear he wasn’t speaking fast enough for her
“We have finalised, at least decided, or perhaps chosen…” he faltered
“We’ve set a date for the wedding” Tilly blurted out
“Great” Tristan said unenthusiastically
“That is good news” I said more sympathetically “and when is it?”
“August the 10th” they said in unison
“Great” Tristan said again
Then Robert cleared his throat and said
“And I want you to be my best man Tristan”
“What?” he queried “Me?”
Robert nodded and Tristan jumped to his feet and shook Roberts hand and then kissed his sister.
“I’ve never been a best man before” he said proudly
“Well done” I said and slapped him on the back.
“And as for you” Tilly said looking at me “I want you to give me away”
“Seriously?” I asked
“Yes” she replied
“Wow” I exclaimed
“Is that a yes?” she asked
“Of course it is you silly woman” I said and kissed her.
Tris and I then headed to the Cross Keys to celebrate, Tilly and Robert declined our offer to wine and dine them as they had other people to give the news to, now that they had spoken to us.
So we had a roast dinner and then got bladdered.
The next thing I knew it was Monday.
About 10.30am I was rudely awakened by a persistent banging on the front door, which was in turn banging inside my head.
I staggered clumsily downstairs and opened the door.
“Good morning sir” a man said brightly
“That’s a matter of opinion” I replied
“Ah well” he exclaimed, “I’ve come to pick up the car”
He nodded in the direction of the hire car and I was just about to hand him the keys when I suddenly remembered.
“I extended the hire until Saturday” I said
“Oh dear” he responded, “I have no record of that”
“I spoke to Amanda” I said “on Friday”
“Oh dear” he repeated, “I’ll give her a call”
I waited at the door feeling quite unwell while he phoned the office and confirmed with Amanda, and then he apologised for disturbing me and I closed the door and was heading back to my bed when the phone rang.
I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Lionel and was going to ignore it but then I thought I should speak to him, as I hadn’t touched base with him for a while.
“Hi Lionel” I said
“Simon dear boy” he replied
Now when Lionel called me dear boy it was either exceptionally good news or I was about to be admonished.
“I have great news,” he continued
Well it transpired that the great news was in relation to the sales of the Overend tapes that had taken off in a big way, due mainly it seems to YouTube on which some clips had gone viral, whatever that means.
There was a tiny note of admonishment before he hung up just pointing out that I was overdue with my submissions to the publisher.
I promised I would rectify the situation that week and then I return to my bed and stayed there until Tuesday.
On Tuesday morning I was up at 5am having slept the clock around and I found myself in a doing mood.
After putting on some washing I got to grips with my Laptop and spent two hours clearing my inbox.
It was at about 10 o’clock when I walked into the kitchen and was surprised to see Frankie in the back garden, she didn’t normally come until Friday, and so I opened the back door.
“Hi Frankie” I called
“Hello Simon” she called back
I walked across the patio towards her and asked
“How come you’re here on a Tuesday?”
“I had to rearrange things,” she said as she put down her rake and walked towards me
“I’m pregnant”
And then she grinned at me quite soppily
“I take it you’re pleased?” I asked “Congratulations”
And I hugged her as Maisie came around the corner
“Oi” she called “you sex maniac, put my partner down”
“Partner?” I asked releasing Frankie
“Yes” Frankie said, “Your gardening needs will now be met by Carpenter and Stewart”
“That’s fantastic news” I said “now it’s your turn for a hug”
When all the hugging was done with and congratulations were gratefully received the girls went back to work and I headed back into the house.
“Oh Simon” Maisie Called “I almost forgot”
“What?” I said and turned around
“Shula wants you to pop into the shop, sooner rather than later,” she said
“Ok”
The rest of Wednesday was spent writing and I was in such a rich vein of creativity that I didn’t stop until midnight.
On Wednesday I got up and emailed my latest output to my publisher Gordon and then had breakfast.
It was just before 10 o’clock when Molly walked through the front door
“Hi cuz” she called
“Hi Moll” I responded, “I’m in the kitchen”
When she walked in the kitchen she was dressed in a dark blue uniform that I hadn’t seen before.
“What’s this then, new uniform?” I asked
“New job” she replied and gave me a twirl “Ward sister at Kiddingstone”
“Well done” I said and hugged her,
Her uniform was all crisp and new and still had that fresh laundered smell.
“Do you have time for Celebration shag?” I asked
“Why do you think I’m here?” she replied and then kissed me
“Where would you like it Sister?” I asked between kisses
“Here will suffice” she replied, “I don’t want to be late for my new job” as she rubbed her mound against the bulge in my jeans.
“Just don’t spaff on my uniform”
Then she returned her attention to my mouth and her tongue darted in and out of my mouth as her hands undid my trousers and before long she was tugging on my cock.
After a moment or two she disengaged her mouth from mine and turned around and bent over resting her elbows on the counter top and wiggled her round arse at me.
Apparently she was ready so I shuffled up behind her like a horny penguin and began tugging her uniform up over her arse, which was naked.
“Where are your drawers?” I asked
“In the car” she replied
“Nuff said” I responded and undid the zip of her uniform
And slipped my hands inside and roughly groped at her tits.
While she rubbed her hind quarters against my cock.
But every time she was about to engulf me I withdrew and teased her until the fourth time when she looked over her shoulder at me as she rested on her elbows and pleaded with her eyes so I grabbed her hips and in one easy movement I penetrated her tight hairless fanny and judging by her vocal response it was very much to her satisfaction.
I took hold of her tits and cupped them as I pounded on her creamy pussy, the sound of her arse cheeks slapping against my belly was like applause and the coarse moans were like encores.
So I pounded on her harder and faster.
The applause grew.
Her vocalizing grew
The electric pace grew
The wobble of her tits grew
Until to rapturous applause and what sounded like baying wolf calls we both came.
And there she was my kissing cousin spent and disgraced bent over my kitchen counter with my twitching cock inside her.
It was very busy and took me a while to find Tristan but I eventually tracked him down.
He was hidden in a corner and greeted me with a warm smile and a cheer although it was so noisy that I didn’t hear the cheer but I still knew it happened anyway.
We had a beer together and stayed until closing time.
Conversation was difficult in the pub due to a combination of the music and everyone shouting to make themselves heard.
It wasn’t until we emerged on to the street that we had a proper conversation that is to say “a proper conversation” when one party is pissed and the other one isn’t.
He was gushing about the love of his life, Dakota Browning, and how wonderful she was.
“Wait until she shags you” I thought to myself “Then you’ll know how wonderful she is”
“Things are going well then?” I asked
“Oh yes” he said, “I think so”
He then proceeded to give me all the minutiae of their burgeoning relationships.
Despite the very real risk that he might bore me to death I offered to drive him home, but my worst fears weren’t realized as he rewarded me by promptly falling asleep.
When I got back to the village I stopped the car on his driveway and shook him awake.
He got out of the car rather ungainly and took a few unsteady steps to his front door; he fumbled briefly in his pocket for his door key, which he waved at me with a flourish before inserting it into the lock at the third attempt.
When he had the door open he turned and waved before stumbling inside and closing the door.
On Sunday morning I woke annoyingly early and couldn’t get back to sleep so I got up and was greeted by a quiet empty house again.
I made coffee and sat in the kitchen feeling rather lonely and pondered how I was going to fill my day.
Georgie was working all day and I wouldn’t see her until the next day.
As I stared into my coffee cup I heard a familiar voice.
“For goodness sake pull yourself together,” it said, “it’s a good news week”
The voice belonged to Katy Oliver, though she wasn’t really there.
“Ok Katy” I replied and instead of feeling sorry for myself I got up and got myself ready for church.
As I walked to St Lucy’s I tried to think what Katy meant by saying “its a good news week”, but the only thing I could think of was a song from the 1960’s by a one hit wonder group of RAF men, Hedgehoppers Anonymous.
And the reason I was so familiar with it was because it was a favourite of my Dads and it was on one of the tapes he always played in the car.
And the song just went round and around inside my head even during the service.
It's good news week
Someone's dropped a bomb somewhere
Contaminating atmosphere
And blackening the sky
It's good news week
Someone's found a way to give
The rotting dead a will to live
Go on and never die
Have you heard the news
What did it say?
Who's won that race?
What's the weather like today?
It's good news week
Families shake the need for gold
By stimulating birth control
We're wanting less to eat
It's good news week
Doctors finding many ways
Of wrapping brains on metal trays
To keep us from the heat
Now although I wasn’t sure exactly what Katy’s disembodied voice meant, I was pretty sure it wasn’t that.
But with my head stuck in a constant loop of Hedgehoppers I decided there was no point in beating myself up over it.
And the moment I stopped trying to divine the meaning the sound tract stopped and I was able to enjoy the rest of the service in peace.
After the service ended most of the congregation spilled out through the doors and the milled around chatting and spreading the word along with a little gossip.
Which I did in my turn, there were many familiar faces in the crowd and I spoke to most of them in the spring sunshine.
Just as the crowd had visibly thinned and I was about to amble away myself I felt a tug on my arm.
“Simon” the voice said
I turned around to face the source of the voice.
“Hi Tilly” I said
“You can’t go yet,” she said in a hushed whisper.
“Why not?” I asked, “I’m hungry, and I missed breakfast”
“Because you can’t” she insisted “come into the church”
“What for?” I asked as she steered me unceremoniously through the door, smiling and the remaining parishioners as we went.
“What is going on?” I asked again as we reached the transept, where a very green looking Tristan was slouched in the nearest pew.
“Have you kidnapped him as well?”
“Sit down and stop your fussing and wait until Robert gets here,” Tilly said forcefully, so I sat down next to Tristan.
“What’s this about?” I asked him
“Don’t know,” he answered “she just came to the house this morning and dragged me out of my sick bed and forced me to come here”
“You aren’t sick you’re just hung over” Tilly snapped “So stopped whining”
“Harsh” He replied
“Very” I added
Just then we heard Roberts distinctive footsteps coming down the aisle, which turned out to be quite appropriate in light of what we were about to hear.
Robert joined Tilly and stood holding her hand
“Well” he said slowly and deliberately “we have an announcement to make”
Tilly was fidgeting and shuffling her feet as he spoke and it was clear he wasn’t speaking fast enough for her
“We have finalised, at least decided, or perhaps chosen…” he faltered
“We’ve set a date for the wedding” Tilly blurted out
“Great” Tristan said unenthusiastically
“That is good news” I said more sympathetically “and when is it?”
“August the 10th” they said in unison
“Great” Tristan said again
Then Robert cleared his throat and said
“And I want you to be my best man Tristan”
“What?” he queried “Me?”
Robert nodded and Tristan jumped to his feet and shook Roberts hand and then kissed his sister.
“I’ve never been a best man before” he said proudly
“Well done” I said and slapped him on the back.
“And as for you” Tilly said looking at me “I want you to give me away”
“Seriously?” I asked
“Yes” she replied
“Wow” I exclaimed
“Is that a yes?” she asked
“Of course it is you silly woman” I said and kissed her.
Tris and I then headed to the Cross Keys to celebrate, Tilly and Robert declined our offer to wine and dine them as they had other people to give the news to, now that they had spoken to us.
So we had a roast dinner and then got bladdered.
The next thing I knew it was Monday.
About 10.30am I was rudely awakened by a persistent banging on the front door, which was in turn banging inside my head.
I staggered clumsily downstairs and opened the door.
“Good morning sir” a man said brightly
“That’s a matter of opinion” I replied
“Ah well” he exclaimed, “I’ve come to pick up the car”
He nodded in the direction of the hire car and I was just about to hand him the keys when I suddenly remembered.
“I extended the hire until Saturday” I said
“Oh dear” he responded, “I have no record of that”
“I spoke to Amanda” I said “on Friday”
“Oh dear” he repeated, “I’ll give her a call”
I waited at the door feeling quite unwell while he phoned the office and confirmed with Amanda, and then he apologised for disturbing me and I closed the door and was heading back to my bed when the phone rang.
I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Lionel and was going to ignore it but then I thought I should speak to him, as I hadn’t touched base with him for a while.
“Hi Lionel” I said
“Simon dear boy” he replied
Now when Lionel called me dear boy it was either exceptionally good news or I was about to be admonished.
“I have great news,” he continued
Well it transpired that the great news was in relation to the sales of the Overend tapes that had taken off in a big way, due mainly it seems to YouTube on which some clips had gone viral, whatever that means.
There was a tiny note of admonishment before he hung up just pointing out that I was overdue with my submissions to the publisher.
I promised I would rectify the situation that week and then I return to my bed and stayed there until Tuesday.
On Tuesday morning I was up at 5am having slept the clock around and I found myself in a doing mood.
After putting on some washing I got to grips with my Laptop and spent two hours clearing my inbox.
It was at about 10 o’clock when I walked into the kitchen and was surprised to see Frankie in the back garden, she didn’t normally come until Friday, and so I opened the back door.
“Hi Frankie” I called
“Hello Simon” she called back
I walked across the patio towards her and asked
“How come you’re here on a Tuesday?”
“I had to rearrange things,” she said as she put down her rake and walked towards me
“I’m pregnant”
And then she grinned at me quite soppily
“I take it you’re pleased?” I asked “Congratulations”
And I hugged her as Maisie came around the corner
“Oi” she called “you sex maniac, put my partner down”
“Partner?” I asked releasing Frankie
“Yes” Frankie said, “Your gardening needs will now be met by Carpenter and Stewart”
“That’s fantastic news” I said “now it’s your turn for a hug”
When all the hugging was done with and congratulations were gratefully received the girls went back to work and I headed back into the house.
“Oh Simon” Maisie Called “I almost forgot”
“What?” I said and turned around
“Shula wants you to pop into the shop, sooner rather than later,” she said
“Ok”
The rest of Wednesday was spent writing and I was in such a rich vein of creativity that I didn’t stop until midnight.
On Wednesday I got up and emailed my latest output to my publisher Gordon and then had breakfast.
It was just before 10 o’clock when Molly walked through the front door
“Hi cuz” she called
“Hi Moll” I responded, “I’m in the kitchen”
When she walked in the kitchen she was dressed in a dark blue uniform that I hadn’t seen before.
“What’s this then, new uniform?” I asked
“New job” she replied and gave me a twirl “Ward sister at Kiddingstone”
“Well done” I said and hugged her,
Her uniform was all crisp and new and still had that fresh laundered smell.
“Do you have time for Celebration shag?” I asked
“Why do you think I’m here?” she replied and then kissed me
“Where would you like it Sister?” I asked between kisses
“Here will suffice” she replied, “I don’t want to be late for my new job” as she rubbed her mound against the bulge in my jeans.
“Just don’t spaff on my uniform”
Then she returned her attention to my mouth and her tongue darted in and out of my mouth as her hands undid my trousers and before long she was tugging on my cock.
After a moment or two she disengaged her mouth from mine and turned around and bent over resting her elbows on the counter top and wiggled her round arse at me.
Apparently she was ready so I shuffled up behind her like a horny penguin and began tugging her uniform up over her arse, which was naked.
“Where are your drawers?” I asked
“In the car” she replied
“Nuff said” I responded and undid the zip of her uniform
And slipped my hands inside and roughly groped at her tits.
While she rubbed her hind quarters against my cock.
But every time she was about to engulf me I withdrew and teased her until the fourth time when she looked over her shoulder at me as she rested on her elbows and pleaded with her eyes so I grabbed her hips and in one easy movement I penetrated her tight hairless fanny and judging by her vocal response it was very much to her satisfaction.
I took hold of her tits and cupped them as I pounded on her creamy pussy, the sound of her arse cheeks slapping against my belly was like applause and the coarse moans were like encores.
So I pounded on her harder and faster.
The applause grew.
Her vocalizing grew
The electric pace grew
The wobble of her tits grew
Until to rapturous applause and what sounded like baying wolf calls we both came.
And there she was my kissing cousin spent and disgraced bent over my kitchen counter with my twitching cock inside her.
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