A Humourous Selection # 15

FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 1

I will never understand women
How is it they can pour wax, molten
Onto their naked flesh and then to boot
Rip it off pulling out the hair by the root
And yet can by completely terrified by
A spider that’s even smaller than a fly

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 3

I really need to moderate
The way I live my life
Last night I drank so much
I turned into my wife

I failed to grasp simple logic
And became overly emotional
Then I talked incessantly
And made no sense at all

DO AS I SAY

My wife said, “Take off all my clothes
And throw them on the floor”
I was taken aback to be honest
Then she said “and don’t wear them anymore”

BLONDICIDE

Bimbette was found in her cell
Hanging by the ankles from a beam
She claims it was a suicide attempt
This is normal for her it would seem

When she was told that to kill herself
The rope would need to be around her throat
She said that she had tried that first
But she stopped when she started to choke

TOOTING

Come and hear grandpa play
His tuneful little flageolet
Come hear the Zufolo toot
And listen to his fipple flute

BLONDE SHOWER

Bimbette was in the shower
And spent all day in the en suite
Because it said on the shampoo bottle
“Lather, Rinse, Repeat”


FAST CARS

Cars keep getting faster and faster
Hurtling from disaster to disaster
We should slow them down again
To the speed of the drivers brain

BUFF

You’re really buff
You’re a bit of fluff
You’re a bit of stuff
Are you buff in the buff?

WENDY FOY

Sweet Wendy Foy
Fancied trendy Roy
Roy was a friendly boy
Who used Wendy Foy
Like a bendy toy
She enjoyed un-bendy Roy
And his trendy toy
That gave Wendy Joy

The Love Selection # 9

I STILL CLING TO YOU

I still cling to you
For fear of drowning
In your arms
I feel secure
But it’s an illusion
Its false security
Despite your deceit
And betrayals
I still cling to you
Instead of swimming free
Not for fear of drowning
But fear of being alone

LOVE APPEARED LIKE AN EMERGING FLOWER

Love appeared like an emerging flower
Blooming like a flush on a maidens cheek
Spreading out like the wings of a bird
And taking flight upon romantic winds
Traversing the immense poetic globe
Reaching every corner of the world
Before returning to its love struck source
For there is no greater extent
To which a love can aspire
Than all around the world and back again

MANY THINGS BREAK MY HEART IN TWO

Many things break my heart in two
But the hardest thing to see
Is you softly speaking words of love
To a man who isn’t me

THERE IS BEAUTY IN THE WORLD

There is beauty in the world
Not the fake painted on kind
True beauty doesn’t wear
The artificial gloss of glamour
Or the mask of vanity
True natural beauty
Is hidden in a maiden fair
Who lives blissfully unaware
Of her great gift
Because the greatest beauty of all
Resides within

I HAD HIGH HOPES OF YOU

I had high hopes of you
But you let me down
You turned out to be inconsistent
Shifting like the desert dunes
And I can see clearly that you’re
Undependable and feckless
With feet of clay
I wasted too much time
Trying to get you to commit
I can only liken it
Too trying to nail jelly to a tree.

IN EVERY CORNER OF MY MIND

In every corner of my mind
An endless moment lives
Burnt into my memory
Glowing like an ember
That won’t die
tormenting and taunting
A loop of reminiscence
Constantly reminding me
Of the fateful moment
That I let you go

GRIEF HITS LIKE AN IRON FIST

Grief hits like an iron fist
Cloaked in a velvet glove
But grief is the ultimate price
We all have to pay for love

THE WORLD IS A COLD AND EMPTY PLACE

The world is a cold and empty place
Devoid of beauty
When you fall out of love
Colder and emptier still
When someone else
Falls out of love with you

FALLING IN LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

Falling in love
Is a beautiful thing
And love does make
The world go round
Being in love
Is a beautiful thing
As long as the world
Keeps turning
Fall out of love
And the world stops
There is no beauty in

I WALKED HAND IN HAND WITH YOU

I walked hand in hand with you
Down a country lane just we two
In a land of a green and pleasant hue
Over a bridge where the kingfisher flew
Through woods full of telltale bells of blue
Across a field wet with morning dew
Climbed a hill amidst lamb and ewe
To a perfect spot with an unspoilt view
Where we could be alone just we two
Hold each other’s hand and bill and coo

A Humorous Selection # 14

CALL CENTER MODE ONCE MORE

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“What kind of computer do you have?
“A white one” was her reply

HOW DO YOU WANT IT CUT?

Bimbette ordered herself
A small pizza to go
“How do you want it cut”?
The guy asked, then
“Do you want it cut?
Into ten slices or eight”
“Oh just eight
I’m not hungry enough for ten”

WHEN THE MONTH GOES ROUND

When the month goes round
Beware what ever you do
My wife not only has PMS
She has GPS too
Which means she’s a crabby bitch
And she can find you

VAGUE INTEREST

When first I saw her
I thought her vaguely fascinating
But on further study
She was only fascinatingly vague

ON ALERT

I hate living under the threat
Of terrorism every day
I can remember when if you saw
An unattended bag on the railway
You would say to yourself
I’m going to have that away

THE SAME OLD COIFFURE

Sally always had
The same old coiffure
And thought that
Her marriage was secure
But her husband chose
A new style of hair
And she found one day
He was no longer there

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 1

I really need to moderate
The way I live my life
Last night I drank so much
I turned into my wife

I argued over nothing at all
Behaved like a holy terror
And I refused to apologise
When I was obviously in error

COUNTRY WATCH

I went to the countryside
And you know when I looked
I could see animals roaming about
That were totally uncooked
I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 2

I really need to moderate
The way I live my life
Last night I drank so much
I turned into my wife

I lost the ability to rationalise
I couldn’t think logically
And couldn’t grasp the offside law
Then I had to sit down to pee

F.L.O.

The police knocked at my door
And gave me the fright of my life
First they asked me my name
Then showed me a picture of the wife

“I’m afraid it looks like she’s been
Hit by a bus,” the officer said to me
I nodded and said in reply “I know
But she has a lovely personality”

The Love Selection # 3

LOVE IS LAYERED

Love is layered,
Sedimentary
Each layer secured
By the one above
Love is not shallow
Love is deep
And does not lay
Beneath a fragile crust

GOOD OLD JOHN

Good old John
You were always there
Nothing too much trouble
Always on hand to advise
To give a helping hand

Good old John
Steady dependable John
Unselfish, good egg John
Smiling humble John
Ever reliable

Good old John
I see you now in hindsight
Waiting in the wings
Holding a watching brief
Biding your time

Good old John
Simple undermining John
Conniving deceitful John
Smiling conspiring John
My wife’s friend John

Good old John
There you were
Pouring poison in her ear
Drip, drip, drip
But she saw through you
Good old John

BENEATH THE SUN ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT # 1

Beneath the sun on the Isle of Wight
Amidst the fun at Blackgang chine
I spotted her amongst the crowd
And vowed that I would make her mine

TO BE A SPECIAL LOVE

To be a special love
It should fit like a glove
But what I cannot tell
Is does the glove fit her as well?
It too must be a perfect fit
That is it, and all about it
To be a very special love
It should fit her like a glove
One ill fitted hand
And the love will never stand
Both should set foursquare
To be a perfect pair

A LONG AGO WORLD

A long ago world
In Days of innocence
And a wondrous summer
We stood on the cusp
Of loves first awakening

When Feeling awkward and gawky
We took our first faltering steps
In the realm of love
Wearing swim shorts
And self conscious blushes

It was a guiltless time
When holding hands
Was a physical pleasure
And stolen kisses
Seemed to last forever

If I had the presence of mind
I would have bottled that summer
And when I felt
Tarnished by the world
I would take a long sip
And be refreshed

BENEATH THE SUN ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT # 2

Beneath the sun on the Isle of Wight
I first laid eyes on the lovely Gill
And on that sweet summers day
I lost my heart forever at Robin Hill

THE NEWS CAME

The news came,
As bad news does
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid to cry
Before the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears loves
Despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten
On the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
Remorse hit me
Like a tidal wave
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell him?
Why didn’t I say?
I love you too

IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN # 1

It happens again and again
A simple smile and I dare to dream
That this might be the one
But alas no it’s a familiar theme

AMBER EYES

She had amber eyes
Which marked her out
Such a rare and beautiful hue
You might say it made her special
And special she was
This girl with amber eyes
But not for the rarity of the hue
But for an even rarer quality
This girl with amber eyes
Was so special because
She was beautiful inside and out

I WOULD CROSS AN ARID DESERT PLAIN

I would cross an arid desert plain
Sail upon a sea of hurt and pain
Traverse landscapes bleak and bare
Climb great mountains of despair
Navigate thru skies black with thunder
And lightning bolts to strike asunder
This and so much more I will gladly do
Just to spend some time with you

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 1

Are you wearing leg warmers?
It should be one of those nostalgic sights
But if memory serves and I’m not mistaken
They’re not supposed to go under your tights

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN ONCE AGAIN?

Are you wearing a sporran once again?
Well its not that easy to hide
But I feel I should point out
You wear it on the outside

ARE YOU WEARING A PURPLE BONNET?

Are you wearing a purple bonnet?
And a pink scarf about your neck
Well I don’t know how to tell you
But you really look like a prick

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 2

Are you wearing leg warmers?
It’s a fashion statement well made
But if memory serves me well
Not for this particular decade

ARE YOU WEARING SCRUBS?

Are you wearing scrubs?
It’s not a sexy look
It’s something and nothing
In my book

Even though you’re fit.
I don’t care if you’re
Naked underneath
I don’t care if you’re

Extremely slutty
You have scrubs on.
I like the nurse’s uniform
Of Pristine cotton

And starched white apron
A silly hat
And Black stockings
Scrubs leave me flat

But the uniform
Is a different issue
That gets me going… oops
Have you got a tissue?

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN AGAIN?

Are you wearing a sporran again?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 3

Are you wearing leg warmers?
Not the most cutting edge look of yours
But what goes around comes around
Or has the elastic has gone in you drawers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 277

Is John Smith within?
Yes there was one to begin
Followed by many more Smiths
And now I’m quite pithed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 278

This is the way the ladies ride
yes, yes, yes. oh yes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 279

This is the way the gentlemen ride
Gallop-a-trot,
Gallop-a-trot!
This is the way the gentlemen ride
Get out of the way you oiks


21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 280

This is the way the farmers ride
Hobbledy-hoy!
Hobbledy-hoy!
This is the way the farmers ride
Get off my land you rambling bastards

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 281

Hush baby, my doll,
I pray at this juncture
My sweet baby doll
Hasn’t got a puncture

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 282

Four and Twenty tailors
Went to kill a snail;
But natural England
Had them sent to jail

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 283

If clouds or mists do dark the sky
And they make you feel glummer
Don’t let them get you down
It’s just the English summer

A Humourous Selection # 13

I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT QUITE IRONIC

I’ve always thought it quite ironic
That along with the malcontents
The favoured tipple of choice
For the homeless is Tenants

I’VE GOT TO DRIVE MYSELF TO BLACKPOOL

I’ve got to drive myself to Blackpool
And I’ve not long passed my test
Now I have to navigate my way around
The cobbled motorways of the northwest

DREADLOCKS AND YOUR WHITE

Dreadlocks and your white
Interesting look but with a snag
It makes your head look like
An exploded Hoover bag

I HAVE SIX POINTS ON MY LICENCE

I have six points on my licence
I’ve been done for speeding before
but today I was cautioned to slow down
By my doctor and not by the law

MY REGIMEN IS NON-STOP

My regimen is non-stop
I have so many pills to pop
If I desist I’m for the chop
They’re for life I cannot stop

IT’S NOT THE SAINTED CORPS

It’s not the sainted corps
Of unacquainted bores
Hunting painted whores
To perform their tainted chores

MY WIFE AND I ARE VOYEURS

My wife and I are voyeurs
We like to watch then get at it
But the weathers gas been so bad
We haven’t been out to watch it
So at home we checked the listings
And a program left us all agog
But we were really disappointed
When we switched on for Watch Dog

I KEEP GETTING EMAILS

I keep getting emails
About penis extensions
But they’re not for me
Those kinds of inventions
Some may think that the lily
Is in need of some gilding
But no they’re not for me
As I live in a listed building

I LOST MY VIRGINITY DURING EXAMS

I lost my virginity during exams
I don’t think it at all immoral
I will never forget the experience
It was one hell of a French oral

A LIFESAVING TOOL

She bought a lifesaving tool for her car
Which for her was quite astute
It’s designed to cut through your seat belt
In the event of it trapping you on route
Particularly in the aftermath of a Crash
Unfortunately Bimbette keeps hers in the boot

CALL CENTER MODE ONCE AGAIN

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
“I have a huge problem”
She replied scratching her head

That’s why I decided
To phone up the engineers
Coz Every time I move the mouse
My screen saver disappears”