A Humourous Collection # 11

DESCENDING SCALE

The piano fell down
The mineshaft
And I know that
It sounds a bit daft

There was a cacophony
From the Bechstein-er
That eventually resulted
In A flat miner

FISCAL TRUTH

If you spend more than you earn
There’s no way to fudge it
You are stuck with your debts
If you can't manage to budge it

EGGS FOR EGGS

I like my eggs fried or poached
And scrambled are a treat
I rather enjoy an omelet
But boiled egg is hard to beat

LOCAL AMENITIES

I’ve just been to the shops
They didn’t impress me at all
But if you’ve seen one shopping centre
You’ve seen a mall

TROUBLESOME YOUTH

Police were called to the kindergarten
And the reason for the request
Was a troublesome three-year-old
Who was resisting a rest

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 2

Did you hear about the guy?
Who was guillotined and how
His whole left side was cut off
Obviously he's all right now

FAST TRACK

I had to run for the train
And I had my laptop with me
And now it doesn’t work
I must have jogged the memory

POLITICAL IDEOLOGY

In a democracy,
It’s your vote that counts;
Which seems perfectly fair
In feudalism,
It’s your Count that votes.
Did you see what I did there?

SNACK TIME

When he’s making clocks
And hunger beacons
The clock man will
Go back four seconds.

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 1

One of the guys fell into
The upholstery machine,
He was quickly discovered

And they knew what to do
To get him out the machine
Now he’s fully recovered

A Varied Collection

TRUE COOL

They’re the “in crowd”
The cool ones
The clique

Wearing the right clothes
Saying the right things
Defining cool

The un-cool sit
On the outside looking in
Wishing to be “in”

They bully and barrack
And show off to the crowd
The shallow crew

Sneering at cleverness
Shaming the boffins
In front of their crowd

Soon they will know
They have no future
They’re the cool fools

Don’t be envious
Stay with your piers
Friendship rocks

Just stand fast
Stick with your friends
That’s true cool

SOLITUDE IS NOT A NEGATIVE

Solitude is not a negative
That’s something I’ve always known
And for the sake of your sanity
Escape the combat zone
And once in a while
Spend some time alone

DARKNESS EVADES THE LIGHT

Darkness evades the light
It retreats into tight corners
And hides just out of reach
Where the light stops short
And the darkness waits
Patiently biding its time
As the day ebbs away
And the shadows lengthen
Until the darkness rules again

AT LONG DISTANT HILLS

In my youth I looked fearlessly
At long distant hills
Squinting to bring them into focus
With a feeling of contempt
But old age has quickly delivered me
To those once distant hills
As now I stand before them
And I am fearful
Feeling contempt for myself
For not embracing every step
Along that short journey
But its only idle reflection
And regret is useless
For the hills are no longer distant
And now the race is almost run

WITH SALT WATER BLOOD

With salt water blood
The valiant mariners
Are bound to the sea
By unseen chains
And serve their mistress
In sun and rain
But when gales blow
And storm and tempest
Batters and bloodies
They pray to the master
To be carried to shore
And when land sits
Beneath their feet
They crave a deck
And a rolling sea
And are drawn back
To their mistress

IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS

In the autumn of my years
In the twilight of the setting suns
Will I become that which I despise?
A burden to my loved ones

THE RAVAGES OF TIME

Each year shall be recorded
In your now pretty face
Soon your youth will vanish
Fading without a trace
And with each passing year
You will slowly lose the race
You will fall further behind
Until you are in last place
And a lifetime will be recorded
In your now pretty face

The Love Selection # 6

LOVE IS NOT

Love is not
A test of life,
To prove existence
Love is life
Where love is absent
Life perishes
Where love exists
Life is lived

THE TIME I HAVE AWAITED IS AT HAND

The time I have awaited is at hand
As evening falls slowly on my life
And as my light sets on this world
I will once again rejoin my wife

LOVE IS NOT A TEST OF LIFE

Love is not a test of life
That we might pass or fail
To prove if we are alive

Life is a test of love
That we can pass or fail
But we must try to survive

FROM THE SIGHT OF THE FIRST SWALLOW

From the sight of the first swallow
To the moment of the last fall of snow
More than a short romantic interlude
But nonetheless it was bound to conclude
A love born beneath a swallow’s wing
Perished on the very eve of spring

THROUGH SILENT TEARS

I look back through silent tears
To those long forgotten years
When love was young, as were we
And you were to shy to speak to me
And I was to scared to speak to you
But some how we muddled through
And by some kind of strange detente
We spoke whispers full of loving want
And together spent a very happy life
A very happy husband and wife
Yes we certainly muddled through
Until I had to say goodbye to you
But soon we’ll be together dear
And I won’t have to shed another tear

I HAVE A PICTURE

I have a picture of you
A picture in my head
Of you lying naked
And breathless on your bed
In your eyes is a plea
Though words are unsaid
To leave you again breathless
And naked on your bed

WE WERE LIKE A KIT

We were like a kit
Unassembled and incomplete
A loose collection of parts
But we were just parts
And the lesser for it
But there was no manual
There were no instructions
To say which part fitted which
So there were mistakes
Part A did not fit part Z
And part B did not connect with H
But then one day
Part A was in proximity with B
And quite effortlessly
Joined into one entity
And became us

AS THE AUGUST MOON SHINES BRIGHT

As the august moon shines bright
On a clear summers night
There is mischief of a kind
For those with love on their mind
As the song birds serenade
The courting couples on parade

IN THE TAPESTRY OF LIFE

In the tapestry of life
Love lies deep
Finely threaded through
Like a constant breath
Radiating perfect beauty
Whatever scene is portrayed
Love is the constant
Within the weave

MY PROPOSAL WAS REHEARSED

My proposal was rehearsed
I felt quietly confident
I maintained composure
Tinged with excitement
And I was quite shocked
To find her ambivalent

A Humourous Collection # 10

CALL CENTER MODE

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"

"Do you have any windows open?"
The tech support guy asks her
"Are you mad? Its mid December
And I’m calling from Alaska”

WHAT DO YOU CALL?

What do you call?
The first asylum seeker to appear
From his hiding place
Obviously it’s Amir

What do you call?
The second one, come to dwell
To have a better life
His name’s Amir Azwel!

What do you call?
The third man lithe of limb
Immerging from the truck
Amir Azwel Azim!

A MEDICAL MIRACLE
The alphabet of doom

(I’m)
Arthritic,
Bronchial,
Calloused,
(And)
Decaying,

Exitial,
Flatulent,
Gaseous,
(And)
Haemorrhoidal,

Incontinent,
Jaundiced,
Knackered,
Liver spotted,
(And)
Myopic,

Neuralgic,
Overdue,
Preoperative,
(And)
Queasy,

Rheumatic,
Shaky,
Tremulous,
Unviable,
(And)
Viral,

(A)
Worrywart,
Xanthochroic,
Yellow
(And)
Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an elocutionist
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the clients
When it says Enunciate, Enunciate

ONCE I ROCKED YOUR WORLD

Once I rocked your world
And made you turn and stare
But that was a world away
Now I rock my rocking chair

CLAUDE AND MAUD

An unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
Spent what they
Could ill afford
And ended up
Committing fraud
So the unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
To avoid the law
Fled abroad

INVIGILATED

Sitting the final exam
Was quite frankly, fruitless
Trying to write with
A broken pencil is pointless

FISHY BEHAVIOUR

When fish are in schools
Their behaviour is sedate
Except of course for the days
When they take debate

BATTERY CONUNDRUM

It used to be “batteries not included”
For products small and large
Now they come with batteries
But are they free of charge?

LIVING FROM HAND TO MOUTH

She was a manicurist
He was a dentist
And when they wed
It was widely said
That they couldn’t fail
But they fight tooth and nail

The Love Selection # 5

WHY DOES THIS LOVE ENSURE A CONSTANT HEARTACHE?

Why does this love
Ensure a constant heartache?
Love should be a salve for your soul
Not a dagger to pierce your heart
Instead of an empathetic companion
With shared values and mutual respect
I get lies, evasion and bitter betrayal
And when my tattered heart
Lies savagely broken
There is no sympathy,
No remorse
Just a shrug and farewell

I THOUGHT THIS TIME

I thought this time
That the love was strong
Founded on solid rock
And standing on granite piles
That would weather the ages
Like a great monument
But at the first hint of storm
The granite crumbled away
And the love fell with them

I curse my poor judgment
And my lack of prudence
As once again I am alone
And my heart is broken once more
The old adage echoes in my head
“What doesn’t kill you
Makes you stronger”
But the words are as empty as my life
But I will make myself stronger
I will make myself an island
My heart will be as stone
And my resolve will be as granite
Then my heart will never break again

MOONSTRUCK

I saw her in the moonlight
Bathed by the white
Of the pale waning moon
And I was moonstruck

An angelic vision
A moonchild of the night
Smiled a knowing smile
And then she took my hand

Beneath the splendour
Of the starlit sky
I took her in my arms
And I felt her tremble

And there we stood
In the magic of the starlight,
Where we fell in love
Where we were moonstruck

A FAMILIAR PICTURE

Seeing you that first time
Was like looking at a picture
A familiar picture
A favourite, dog eared picture
Often viewed, often handled
A picture of someone special
But we had never met
Yet there you were
A familiar picture
A picture in my mind
In my heart, in my soul
A familiar stranger
Who recognizes me

I SAW YOU AND I KNEW

I saw you and I knew
That I wanted you
I held you and I knew
That I was in love with you
I kissed you and I knew
That no other would do

DON’T WE ALL FANTASIZE?

Don’t we all fantasize?
Of that perfect love
That would grace our life
A love that is so special
It would be immortalized
In the sonnets of the bard

I LOST YOU

I lost you
And at the moment
Of deaths knell
A well spring of tears
Unbridled,
Relentlessly fell

YOU TOOK ME DOWN OFF THE SHELF

You took me down off the shelf
You taught me to laugh at myself
You taught me to dance and sing
With the joy of songbirds on the wing
You taught me everything I knew
Except how to live without you

IT WAS

It was in the spring
Beneath the canopy of oak boughs
Where you kissed me for the first time
It was in the summer
In the dappled shade of the same oak
Where you said I do
It was in the autumn
Beneath the falling leaves of oak
Where you were laid to sweet repose
Now it’s winter
And the oak boughs are as empty as my life
But soon I will join you dear wife

I LOOK BACK IN SOBER REFLECTION

I look back in sober reflection
Dwelling in conceit of my perfections
Glossing over my imperfections
But over all I look back with affection

A Humourous Collection # 9

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

Oh God I feel so old
Just send for the undertaker
I’ve started making the same noises
As my coffee maker

SHOPPING ENCOUNTER

Their eyes met at the supermarket
She clearly recognized him
But he was drawing a blank
So a smile was exchanged between them

She decided to break the ice
And pleasantly, said "Hello!"
She obviously knew him
She was a stranger to him though

So he asked, "Do you know me?
You do look familiar” he lied
"I think you're the father
Of one of my kids." She replied,

“Are you the drunken cheerleader?
I shagged under the bleachers’”
She gave him a look and said
“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"

BIG BONED

No you don’t have “big bones”
That belief is mere folly
Let’s face it you’re just fat
It’s a shame you’re not jolly

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK

You have just been sick
And not just a bit
So stop pretending
And spare me the wit
It isn’t just a hiccup
With some pizza in it

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 1

I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s crappy
Because with someone else
She might turn out to be happy

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 2

I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s not right
At the end of the day
I stay with her out of spite

PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE

Prisoners are such a nuisance
When they are justly contained
Because of human rights
We can’t keep them restrained
And it’s so labour intensive
To keep them all entertained

WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP

Working in a sweat shop
Is, dawn to dusk, sew-sew
Conditions are appalling
And never thought so-so

I DON’T GO ON TWITTER

I don’t go on Twitter
To follow celebrity chatter
I find them contemptible
They should rename it Twatter

CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
Lay a little egg for me.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
I want one for my tea
And this time if I don’t get one.
You’ll be dead by half past three.
So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
They’ll be chicken for my tea

ARE YOU WEARING? # 16

ARE YOU WEARING THAT?

Are you wearing that?
That’s what you’re wearing?
Seriously? It’s a little brief
Oh it’s certainly daring
Will it turn any heads?
Oh yes you’ll have them staring
And if that’s all you wear
Everything will get an airing

ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?

Are you wearing a merkin?
I’m sorry about the smirkin’
But to be quite honest Betty
It looked better on the yeti

ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?

Are you wearing a trench coat?
It’s certainly got my vote
Its got you wrapped up well
And not a soul could tell
That beneath its military style
You’re quite naked all the while

ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?

Are you wearing whiskers?
Well it’s not really workin’
And to tell you the truth
It’s really rather irkin’
It would be better all round
If you just wore a merkin

ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?

Are you wearing a horse’s head?
Are you supposed to be PUCK?
Oh you’re running the marathon
Well aren’t you the a silly fool

ARE YOU WEARING ONE?

Are you wearing one?
Then you’ll get none
No glove
No love