ARE YOU WEARING FOR EASTER

ARE YOU WEARING ANY DRAWERS?

Are you wearing any drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Even if you have an excuse
It still makes you look loose
And its still very low rent
If you’ve given them up for lent

ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?

Are you wearing bunny ears?
They have an ability to regale
But to be quite honest
I’m more interested in your tail

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Easter stockings?
Beneath your long spring coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Easter
For a certain horny old goat

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER GARTERS?

Are you wearing Easter garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Easter garters?

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKS?

Are you wearing Easter knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Easter knickers
What wonderful springtime fare

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER BONNET?

Are you wearing an Easter bonnet?
With pretty flowers upon it
What I lovely sight to behold
It must be tiresome to be told
So let me write a pretty sonnet
For the girl in the Easter bonnet

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Easter drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
What goes thru your head Meg
We’re not hiding that kind of egg

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Easter hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Easter knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Easter bunny

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 1

Are you wearing Easter tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with an Easter egg motif
What an egg hunt this will be

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 2

Are you wearing Easter tights?
Adorned with a appropriate motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with an Easter motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS? # 2

Are you wearing Easter stockings?
With a bunny rabbit motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the special Easter gift
Beyond the bunny rabbit motif

ARE YOU WEARING? # 14

ARE YOU WEARING PRIESTLY GARMENTS?

Are you wearing priestly garments?
How good you look in your vestments
Can you share any indiscretions?
That you hear during confessions
Oh what a shame you cannot share
I would like to be a fly in there
But what torture it must truly be
Having taken a vow of celibacy
And denying yourself the pleasures,
Of plundering earthly treasures
Only to sit each day in confessions
Listening to others sinful discretions

ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?

Are you wearing protection?
It may have been a wise selection
Not that I’m some kind of Lolita
It’s just that I’m a messy eater

ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?

Are you wearing a sombrero?
Have you been somewhere in the sun?
I was told you were in Cahoots
I didn’t believe it for a second hon.
I told them you can’t go there alone
You have to be there with someone.

ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET

Are you wearing a pith helmet?
Oh the great white hunter yet
But that’s just a pose you strike
Great white tin opener more like

ARE YOU WEARING SUNNIES?

Are you wearing sunnie’s?
Oh dear you do look funny
I almost didn’t recognize you honey

You’re spending the week incognito?
Oh how lovely I’ve always wanted to go
But no one recognizes you though

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARY SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scary scowl?
And now you’re doing the growl
Am I supposed to throw in the towel?

You evil troll you cause me no fear
Back to your bridge do you hear
Your powers are useless here

ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?

Are you wearing crushed velvet?
Our curtains are a similar shade of anisette
I would like to be amidst the folds of velvet
Could I have a peak beneath the pelmet?

ARE YOU WEARING A GRIN?

Are you wearing a grin?
Oh you’re playing stupid agin
And why not you do always win

ARE YOU WEARING FRUIT?

Are you wearing fruit?
It doesn’t really suit
And there is a lesson
In there though my son
Never let 3 year old Joe?
Hold a ripe tomato

ARE YOU WEARING A SHORTY NIGHTIE?

Are you wearing a Shorty nightie?
No you don’t look at all flighty
You’re my goddess of love Aphrodite
And my desire for you is mighty
So lay back and think of blighty

A Humourous Selection # 7

I’M A GRADUATE OF YALE

I’m a graduate of Yale
A name you can trust
Though I am not elitist
I can still do Chubb if I must

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 2

The special theory of relativity
So I was led to believe
Meant if you went with a 2nd cousin
She could safely conceive

THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS

The price of beauty products
Have gone through the roof
What a rip off they really are
Try waxing strips if you need proof

THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP

The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy

THE TENNIS SWING

The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for the Scot to return in the final set

ARE YOU WEARING? # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?

Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?

Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit

That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it

ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?

Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”

ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?

Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store

ARE YOU WEARING? # 12

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN?

Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit

ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?

Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley

ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?

Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess

ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?

Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair

ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?

Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there

ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?

Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?

Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex

ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?

Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?

ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?

Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on

ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?

Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope

ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?

Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair

ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?

Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron

The Natural World

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SPRING

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime

BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH

Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime

CLOAK OF FOG

A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time

LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime

ARE YOU WEARING? # 11

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?

Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades

ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?

Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?

Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?

Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face

ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?

Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?

Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?

Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster

ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?

Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off