ARE YOU WEARING? # 6

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing false eye lashes?
You haven’t worn them before?
It’s just the way you’ve put them on
Makes you look like a Labrador

ARE YOU WEARING STILETTOS?

Are you wearing stilettos?
To cramp and pinch your toes
I’ll grant you have attractive pins
And the admirer certainly wins
But is it really worth the pain
To totter on your heels again

ARE YOU WEARING A WET SUIT?

Are you wearing a wet suit?
I’m sorry my query is moot
Why are you? Is more appropriate
As we’re stood in the Sahara desert

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing fishnet stockings?
They might be considered shocking
To those who think prim and proper
About a saucy stocking topper
Their thoughts are rather haughty
Where mine lean towards the naughty
So what other delightful accessory
Might be found up where necessary

ARE YOU WEARING A BLUSH?

Are you wearing a blush?
Oh was that another flush?
What have I been missing?
Who have you been kissing?
Have you been up to no good?
Been no better than you should?
Exactly what kind of disgrace?
Would put such colour in your face

ARE YOU WEARING FRUMPY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing frumpy clothes?
Because you like the style
Or did you cease to consider
Your appearance after a while

Perhaps you’re not in vogue
Because you’re just out of time
And dream of distant days
Being old fashioned is not a crime

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

Are you wearing something chic?
On your figure oh so sleek
That’s beautifully figure hugger
To tantalise a horny bugger

ARE YOU WEARING UGG BOOTS?

Are you wearing ugg boots?
I’m just a little shocked Aunty Ruth
Yes they are rather fun aren’t they
But to tell you the honest truth,
Without wanting to call you old,
They are more suited to the youth

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

Are you wearing Lincoln green?
Do you really think you should?
Because this isn’t merry England
And you aren’t Robin Hood

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

Are you wearing a seat belt?
Well you must as it’s the law
Yes I know its confining
But not as much as a mortuary draw

Just Plain Mucky

SEX IN SUBURBIA

Somewhere across this land
In house’s gable ended
Some frisky young frau’s
Are being table ended

TUP THAT

One of the most fulfilling moments
Is when I’m behind you tupping
And I reach beneath you
Until your breasts, I’m cupping

This is such an awesome pleasure
It always makes my spine tingle
And there I continue to hold you
Until the moment our juices mingle

SEX AID

My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay

A CAR FULL OF TOTTIE

A car full of tottie
Each one a hottie
A Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
Some a bit haughty
Some a bit naughty
Honeys that razzled
Babes that bedazzled
But still I blew it
Deep down I knew it
I knew that I’d do it
Only I could do it
From a Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
I dropped a clanger
And pulled the old banger

AMPUTEE

She said “What happened to you?
“You’ve been in the wars a bit”
“I accidently cut my finger off” He told her
She asked “The whole finger was it?”
“No as a matter of fact” he replied
“It was the one next to it”

JOE AND MABEL

Joe offered Mabel a drink and said
“You remind me of my little toe”
She giggled a bit and replied
“Because I’m small and cute Joe?”
She giggled again and he laughed
Then he replied “No it’s not that Mabel
It’s because I’ll probably end up
Banging you on the coffee table”

DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

I recently saw an email
With photos of celebrity types
Getting out of sports cars
Showing off their tripe’s
Now not wearing panties
And showing off your ass
Isn’t very cultured
And is really lacking class

Variety Is The Spice Of Life

WHAT GREATER COMPLIMENT

What greater compliment
Could be bestowed
On any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“He was faithful and true,
And discharged, with fidelity
Every trust
Confided to his keeping”
I would settle for that

WHAT GREATER EPITAPH

What greater epitaph
Could be written
Of any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“While upon his death
He has left no
Large earthy riches,
To his afflicted family
But he has bequeathed
To them a legacy
More precious than gold
More imperishable
Then monumental brass,
A spotless name”

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

Not a foreign invader
But an alien being
Inside me
Living, breathing
Growing stronger
Day by day
While I weakened
And in its strength
Is the knowledge
That it will not survive me
Cannot outlive me
Yet it is content
To kill me
Knowing it will end itself

OPEN YOUR ARMS TO CHANGE

Open your arms to change,
With open mind embrace the new
Open your heart to new possibilities
But to your values remain true

YOU DO NOT SUFFER FROM FALSE MODESTY

You do not suffer from false modesty
That is clear for even the blind to see
But if ever there was a truth that mattered
Its, don’t interrupt when you’re being flattered

I’M A LITTLE DESPOT

I’m a little despot
Short and stout
Hear my people
Scream and shout

I say jump
They ask how high
If they don’t
Then they die

I am the chosen
But not by them
I am the chosen
I tell them when

I’m a little despot
So they say
See my people
Wake up one day

ARE YOU WEARING? # 5

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

Are you wearing baggy trousers?
For any particular reason
They aren’t the height of fashion
They’re not even last season
You think they look “cool”
Whereas they look simply shoddy
I don’t know why you wear them
Unless you have a baggy body

ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?

Are you wearing perfume?
I can smell it in this room
It’s a very seductive brew
Are you sure its not you?
Then the answer is clear
And your brother has I fear
With out our consent Suzy
Been entertaining a floozy

ARE YOU WEARING PRIMARK PANTS?

Are you wearing Primark pants?
Don’t you think that a little drastic?
You don’t want, on you wedding day
To be let down by cheap elastic

ARE YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS?

Are you wearing flip flops?
I can’t believe you don’t know
But the garden is under
About four feet of snow

ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?

Are you wearing a thong?
No there’s nothing wrong
It’s just that they do so
Make you look like a sumo

ARE YOU WEARING A NURSE’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a nurse’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The starched apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
Oh what a feast before my eyes
Come and feel my pulse rate rise
Only you can now tangibly
Cure this poor patient’s malady

ARE YOU WEARING A MOUSTACHE?

Are you wearing a moustache?
And is that a shaving rash?
Well I’m really sorry Ash
But I think I have to dash

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a French maid’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The little apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
With all the coyness you can muster
Reach up with your feather duster
On tip toes reach up high
So I can glimpse a bit of thigh
Then come back down to earth
And get to work for all your worth

ARE YOU WEARING A BEARD?

Are you wearing a beard?
Wow that’s really weird
With the way you walk
And on the phone when we talk
Well that has me in a whirl
I thought you were a girl

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE NAILS?

Are you wearing false nails?
Is there really any point?
After all you will just
Bite them down to the joint

Spiritual # 1

A GOOD TIME GIRL

If it’s a fallen angel you require
If it’s a good time girl you desire
Then any bar will fill your need
Pick any club and you’ll succeed
But if it’s for an angel you search
Then you should try the Church
You’ll find in any neighbourhood
A girl who uses her time for good

WE LIVE IN A CYNICAL WORLD

We live in a cynical world
So why should we believe
We think our politicians
Are programmed to deceive
We distrust anyone wearing
Their heart on their sleeve
So is it any wonder that
On the whole we disbelieve
Now doubtless you will tag me
As impossibly naive
But for me it is impossible
For me to ever conceive
Of a universe where God
Is absent from the weave

WHEN LOVE FILLS THE HEART

When love fills the heart
Until it overflows
There is but one thing to-do
As everyone knows
And that is to share it out
With friends and foes

Relationships # 1

I DON’T TRUST A MAN

“I don’t trust a man”
(Normally that says it all)
That goes for most of them
“But I don’t trust a man”
Who doesn't close his eyes
When I kiss him”

MAIL CALL

I spoke into the envelope
Saying “I really love you Gail”
Then I sealed the envelope
And posted my voice mail

ALPHABETICALLY DESCRIBED

After fifty years of married life
And after being prompted by his wife
A husband set out to describe her
And this was what he said of her

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L." He said sweetly
“And what does that mean?”
She asked suspiciously

"Adorable, Beautiful,
Cuddly, Delightful,
Elegant, Fragrant,
Generous, Heaven-sent.”

"Oh, that's so lovely
What about I, J, K and L?"
"I'm Just Kidding Love!" He laughed
And she made his eye swell

THE FINAL RECKONING

As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say

“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me

“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?

A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied

Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house

Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife
And how you return as a different form of life
She said she wanted to come back as a cow
She obviously misunderstood some how

I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

I don’t deserve someone
Thoughtful, warm and caring
I don’t deserve someone
Loving and understanding
I don’t deserve someone
Affectionate and true
I don’t deserve any of that
Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”
I told my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on granite
To survive the weather
“Here lies my wife
As cold as ever”

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”
Said my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on a plaque
Of shinning brass
“Here lies my husband
Stiff at last”

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife
Were having a fight
At the breakfast table.
But before he took flight
From the tempestuous scene
These terrible words were said
In the heat of the moment
“And you’re no good in bed”
Later when he got home
She and another were in sexual union
“What are you doing?”
He yelled on the unhappy reunion
She replied calmly
“I was getting a second opinion!'

A Humourous Selection # 1

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake
A risky manoeuvre is undertaken
But what they risk undertaking
Is an appointment with an undertaker

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta
Came together
On one platter
Would it lead to disaster?


SHAMPOO MODUS

Bimbette was in the bathroom
And Clair shouted up to her
“You can use my shampoo
If you want to wash your hair”
And Bimbette shouted back
“Thanks but I can’t use it Clair,
It says it’s only for dry hair
And mine is wet to be fair”

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

This morning, mewing loudly
The cat greeted me
She clearly wanted her breakfast
So I gave her mewsly

GREEN BELT

Planning regulations only apply
It seems, to the ordinary people
The rank and file
Those without power or influence
Or the means to fill brown envelopes
Because to Politicians and developers
The only green they understand
Is cold hard cash
And they think that the green belt
Is just an inferior grade in Judo

FLY TRAP

When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap

MATURE CONVERSATION

My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure

She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you

But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before

END OF THE LINE

My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle

So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.