ARE YOU WEARING? # 1

ARE YOU WEARING LILY OF THE VALLEY?

Are you wearing
“Lily of the valley”?
It smells very much
Like you are Sally
So don’t deny it
I can tell that it’s true
“Lily of the valley”?
How old are you?

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

Are you wearing body paint?
Don’t tell me that you aint
Now you’ve got me in a fluster
I can see its glorious lustre
What a sexy sight to savour
What? It’s chocolate flavour?
Don’t tease me now stop it
There’s only one thing can top it
I’ll tell you and no mistake
And that’s a Cadbury’s flake

ARE YOU WEARING A FLOWER?

Are you wearing a flower?
Pinned to your lapel
A Rose or a Carnation
So your date can easily tell
Who you are in the crowd
And you can see them as well

But if you cannot spot them
Stood beneath the tower
And you find yourself alone
Long after the allotted hour
Somewhere on the floor
Will be a discarded flower

ARE YOU WEARING A CARNATION?

Are you wearing a carnation?
To mark you out at the station
As you stand beneath the clock
In your best evening frock
Or do you keep it under your cloak
Until you get a look at the bloke
And if you don’t fancy him
Do you throw it in the bin?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDER CRACKERS?

Are you wearing under crackers?
To cover up your knackers
Is the boxer revolution
Your best underwear solution
Or do they dangle to and fro
As you walk about commando

ARE YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

Are you wearing a wedding ring?
Well never mind about that old thing
You’re only married, you haven’t died
Come on you know you want to inside
Don’t worry about the wedding ring
Come on have some fun let’s have a fling

ARE YOU WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

Are you wearing an engagement ring?
Oh isn’t it a beautifully sparkly thing
It clearly signifies as it sparkles in the light
That you haven’t yet married Mr Right
So even if the answer might well be no
It’s definitely well worth giving it a go

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

Are you wearing a negligee?
It’s really very nice, I must say
I can see through it all the way
Every line, every curve, every dip
But if I might just offer a little tip
The foliage could do with a clip

ARE YOU WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing clean underwear?
That’s what my mum asked me. I swear
Every time I left the house to go out
Are you wearing clean underwear? She’d shout
As I proceeded swiftly with my fleeing
But her concern was not for my well being
She was worried about her embarrassment
If I were to suffer a serious accident
And be undressed by the nursing staff
Where my dirty pants would raise a laugh

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING WICKED?

Are you wearing something wicked?
Are you black clad beneath the white?
Underneath your dress are you silkily encased?
For a very wicked wedding night

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

Are you wearing something shocking?
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Well it’s not the stockings and suspenders
But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 231

Ky-me Nay-mo
Kilt-a ky-mo
Ky-me nay-mo
Ky-me
Man dig that scat cat daddio

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 232

Rim strim stram-a-diddle
Larra-bum-a-ring ting
Rig-num bulletin a-ky-mo!

Ah that’s Jazz man

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 233

Leg over leg,
As the man went to Dover;
When he came to a girl
He got his leg over

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 234

Miss Jane had a bag
It was robbed in a minute
She opened the bag
And a scouser was in it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 235

As I was going by Charing Cross,
A cyclist ran me down of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 236

To market, to market, a gallop a trot,
To buy some meat to put in the pot;
Make sure its meat don’t let them con you
I won’t be impressed if you come home with tofu

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 237

There was a little guinea-pig,
In my neighbours house
Why?
Anybody?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 238

There was an old woman
Tucked up in a basket
They use them now
Instead of a casket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 239

My father left me three acres of land,
Oh grand, oh grand
And what can be found on this land?
Only sand, just sand

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 240

Buzz wuzz was that little fly
And how he loved to caper
Up and down the room he flew
Until I hit it with my paper

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 241

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
And that’s the English summer for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 242

St. Swithin's day if thou be fine
For forty days the sun will shine
And if you believe that you’ll believe anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 243

The Barber shaved the Mason,
And then at the close
The barber did propose
Something for the weekend sir?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 244

John Cook was a cyclist
All licra clad
He rides the road and the pavement
Equally as bad

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Bank,
Pedalling fast
He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 246

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Hill,
Pedalling fast
Pedestrians scattering to avoid being killed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 247

John Cook was riding down the road
Pedalling fast
He hit a pothole
And has ridden his last

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 248

To market, to market, to buy a plum cake;
Make sure it’s a plum cake, don’t make a mistake
I don’t want a Battenberg at any price
Because it is foreign and not very nice

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 249

To market, to market to buy a fat piggy;
Make sure its not skinny or twiggy
To market, to market, to buy us a hog;
Make sure you don’t come home with a dog

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 251

Mary hand a little lamb
The sweetest lamb devised
But when all said and done
The midwife was surprised

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 252

Mary hand a little lamb
And how sweet the lamb looks
Then the midwife said
“Well that’s one for the text books”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 253

There once was a lady named Paddy Rabbitt
Who had a flat in Tower Bridge she did inhabit
But no one would believe it
Not a living soul would have it
That a flat in Tower Bridge housed Paddy Rabbitt

For StanTheMan

A Christmas Selection Box # 11

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus

The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old

Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright

Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss

It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble
CHRISTMAS NEW BORN

You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer

And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?

Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

A Christmas Selection Box # 10

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

A Christmas Selection Box # 9

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC)

Candles burn on advent crown,
Holly boughs are cut,
Red ribbon binds the wreath, and
Incense fragrances the air
Spices make the senses tingle
Treats await the patient lip, as
Merriment is close at hand,
Anticipation keenly felt, as the
Special day grows near

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

A Christmas Selection Box # 8

MORE NUTS THAN CAN BE CRACKED

We buy more drink than can be drunk
We buy more food than can be eaten
We give more gifts than can be appreciated
But for fun Christmas can’t be beaten

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S

It can only be Christmas
When the sane start acting funny
Going nuts for Christmas’s sake
And spending too much money

Even the levelheaded slip
And fall at the Christmas season
Swept along with the throng
Losing all sense of reason

Why does it always happen?
Why does madness always descend?
It seems that the less people have
The more they want to spend

So desperate not to miss out
And to have their share of festive cheer
They have a very happy Christmas
And pay the price all the coming year

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

ANOTHER OLD FOLKS CHRISTMAS PARTY

Another old folks Christmas party
Old friends well met, hail and hearty
Thoughts of the past would produce a tear
But a shared memory brought some cheer
And while remembering the good old days
A glass they would all gladly raise

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOODWILL TO ALL MEN

“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all men”
Does that irritate you?
I’m not alone then
The men have done nothing,
Remember
Since the final BBQ
Back in September
It’s the mums
Who spend the whole of December
With everything to do
And everything to remember
While they sit
TV remote in hand drinking beer
Where is the mums well deserved
Christmas cheer
Why can’t we sit down?
On our overworked bums
“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all mums”

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

LISTEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

On Christmas morning
While tree tops still glisten
If you stop opening presents
And take a moment to listen

You will hear a sound
Unmistakable, clear and true
The sound of Love
Will be in the room with you

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings
Of Orient are
- not part of a meritocracy

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

A Christmas Selection Box # 7

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho