THERE ARE THREE WORDS
There are three words
No one ever wants to hear
When they are making love
They are “I’m home dear!"
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 2
Rotund young women as round as they’re tall
Frumpy old maids with no dress sense at all
Middle aged women who think its still spring
These are a few of my least favourite things
THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE
I asked my thirteen year old
If he understood the facts of life
But his complete over reaction
Shocked me and my wife
The boy burst into tears and yelled
“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”
He put his hands over his ears
Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”
When my son had calmed down
I asked him what was so scary
He said “when I was seven, you said
That there was no Tooth fairy”
“Then when I was nine, you said
That there was no Easter bunny”
Last year you said that Santa Claus
Was really you and mummy
Now on the eve of my manhood
If you’re going to tell me
That adults don’t have sex
You may just as well shoot me
THE MERITS OF FERRETS
The merits of ferrets
Are the traits he inherits
For hunting the rabbit
In the place they inhabit
THE QUIZZICAL SON
A young boy comes home from school
And addresses his father quizzically
"Dad, what's the difference between
Theoretically and realistically?"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "this calls for a demonstration,
Go and ask Mum if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok another demonstration,
Go and ask your Sister if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok one final demonstration,
Go and ask your Brother if he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad he said he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
"Well there’s your answer, we could
Have three million pounds, theoretically.
But as it turns out what we have is
Two slappers and a homosexual, realistically."
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Pole dancers
From Poland?
I LOVE YOU DARLING WARTS AND ALL
I love you Darling warts and all
Though I can’t seem to recall
When we first met at the mall
And we chatted in the food hall
You ever mentioning warts at all
PUT DOWN # 48
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him, only reply if he persists
“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,
But I am not willing to take that risk”
EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY
Everyone needs a hobby
And my dad is no exception
He has built up a rather large
Empty bottle collection
There is a name for it
It’ll come to me in a tick
It’s on the tip of my tongue
Oh yes he’s an alcoholic
Thursday, 17 November 2011
RIBALD # 2
BRITISH MANHOOD
British manhood
Out on the Razz
Have no conscience
Or boundaries
When endowed
With the beer goggles
They have no preferences
If you shaved a pig
And put it in a dress
With white stilettos
Someone would take it home
Given a late enough hour
And sufficient beer
The necessity to shave the pig
Would be redundant
I LOVE POOH BEAR
I love Pooh bear
And Paddington bear
I love my panda bear
And my teddy Bear
But most of all I must declare
I love my honey bare
THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ACTION
A love pat on the behind my dear
A subtle spank on my dearest’s rear
An action speaking loud and clear
Placed on the buttock soft and plump
A subtle spank on tender rump
The preamble to some rumpy pump
FLASH GAME
A flasher stepped out from the shadows
In front of an unsuspecting old lady
Who just looked pityingly at him and his offering
For no more than a minute or two maybe
She mentally took in his description
200 lbs and about 6ft but no taller
Then he said: "You know what this is don't you?"
She replied "it looks like a penis, only smaller!"
PEAFOWL
Two peahens watched
As the peacock danced
The courtship display
He proudly pranced
One hen said to the other
“All this is getting on my wick”
Then shouted “stop showing off
And show us your dick”
MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 2
Girls in short dresses with black satin panties
G-strings and thongs and exotic scanties
Innocent lookers who do naughty things
These are a few of my favourite things
Firm rounded buttocks and waists that are tiny
A look in the eye that says “I’m Mandy try me”
A flirt in a skirt who looks like she sins
These are a few of my favourite things
When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort
STEAMER
Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is
You know – well you know you left it hummin in view
Now there's not a lot I can do
Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp
British manhood
Out on the Razz
Have no conscience
Or boundaries
When endowed
With the beer goggles
They have no preferences
If you shaved a pig
And put it in a dress
With white stilettos
Someone would take it home
Given a late enough hour
And sufficient beer
The necessity to shave the pig
Would be redundant
I LOVE POOH BEAR
I love Pooh bear
And Paddington bear
I love my panda bear
And my teddy Bear
But most of all I must declare
I love my honey bare
THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ACTION
A love pat on the behind my dear
A subtle spank on my dearest’s rear
An action speaking loud and clear
Placed on the buttock soft and plump
A subtle spank on tender rump
The preamble to some rumpy pump
FLASH GAME
A flasher stepped out from the shadows
In front of an unsuspecting old lady
Who just looked pityingly at him and his offering
For no more than a minute or two maybe
She mentally took in his description
200 lbs and about 6ft but no taller
Then he said: "You know what this is don't you?"
She replied "it looks like a penis, only smaller!"
PEAFOWL
Two peahens watched
As the peacock danced
The courtship display
He proudly pranced
One hen said to the other
“All this is getting on my wick”
Then shouted “stop showing off
And show us your dick”
MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 2
Girls in short dresses with black satin panties
G-strings and thongs and exotic scanties
Innocent lookers who do naughty things
These are a few of my favourite things
Firm rounded buttocks and waists that are tiny
A look in the eye that says “I’m Mandy try me”
A flirt in a skirt who looks like she sins
These are a few of my favourite things
When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort
STEAMER
Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is
You know – well you know you left it hummin in view
Now there's not a lot I can do
Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp
ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 2
SILVER HEADED LADY FAIR
All I can do is stand and stare
At the silver headed lady fair
The woman with the silvery hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With the waves of silvery hair
Please be the answer to my prayer
HOW FAIR BE YOUR COUNTENANCE
How fair be your countenance
A beauty fairer than the Rose?
How fair be your fragrance
Is it as pleasing to the nose?
How do you compare to the flower
Perhaps this year you are equals
But with each year passing
You will not match its sequels
SUMMER GIRLS
Summer girls
Glistening with suntan oils
Clad in bikinis
On yellow sunlit soils
And how the suitor
Athletically toils
To catch their eye
And so take the spoils
ODE TO MY BEAU
You hold back the night
With your gallantry
You subdue my fears
With your chivalry
You hold me in the light
With your passion for me
WHAT MORE BEAUTY
What more beauty could there be
Than in a maiden lithe of limb
With perfect elegance and grace
And a figure both sleek and trim
Beheld in the vision of a man
Who thinks she only has eyes for him
All I can do is stand and stare
At the silver headed lady fair
The woman with the silvery hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With the waves of silvery hair
Please be the answer to my prayer
HOW FAIR BE YOUR COUNTENANCE
How fair be your countenance
A beauty fairer than the Rose?
How fair be your fragrance
Is it as pleasing to the nose?
How do you compare to the flower
Perhaps this year you are equals
But with each year passing
You will not match its sequels
SUMMER GIRLS
Summer girls
Glistening with suntan oils
Clad in bikinis
On yellow sunlit soils
And how the suitor
Athletically toils
To catch their eye
And so take the spoils
ODE TO MY BEAU
You hold back the night
With your gallantry
You subdue my fears
With your chivalry
You hold me in the light
With your passion for me
WHAT MORE BEAUTY
What more beauty could there be
Than in a maiden lithe of limb
With perfect elegance and grace
And a figure both sleek and trim
Beheld in the vision of a man
Who thinks she only has eyes for him
Friday, 11 November 2011
NATURE POEMS
BEAUTEOUS ROSE
Beauteous Rose in summer dress
In scented splendour
The courtly bees attends thee
Thy fragrant demeanour
In sunlit display
Leaves all nature in awe
THE NIGHT IS STILL
The night is still
And summer flowers sleep
To awake with dawn
A NEW DAY DAWNING
On the distant horizon
The embers of the dawn
Brightly glow
As God blows gentle breath
Upon the glowing coals
And lights up another day
WANE BITTER SEASON
Wane bitter season,
dare Snowdrops to appear, before
winters lingering bite
SPRING WAKES
Spring wakes from lazy
slumber, finding the Crocus heads
already on display
Beauteous Rose in summer dress
In scented splendour
The courtly bees attends thee
Thy fragrant demeanour
In sunlit display
Leaves all nature in awe
THE NIGHT IS STILL
The night is still
And summer flowers sleep
To awake with dawn
A NEW DAY DAWNING
On the distant horizon
The embers of the dawn
Brightly glow
As God blows gentle breath
Upon the glowing coals
And lights up another day
WANE BITTER SEASON
Wane bitter season,
dare Snowdrops to appear, before
winters lingering bite
SPRING WAKES
Spring wakes from lazy
slumber, finding the Crocus heads
already on display
UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 1
RESPECT
I don’t compare myself to others
Of greater worth or merit
Or try to compete or out perform them
Simply, I am my own man,
And I am content to be so
I am happy to be transparent
So those around me can see what I am
And know the content of my heart
And because of my strong principles
I have self respect
And in return I ask only one thing
To be respected
NEVER OVER REACH
Never confuse, without exception
Excellence with perfection
Excellence you can strive for
Perfection is something more
As I heard Michael J Fox once express
Perfection is God’s business
AS JOYOUS AS A SONG
My love for you
Is as joyous as a song,
Sung in congregation
With the faithful throng
DRAWN LIKE A MOTH
I moved toward the light
Drawn like a moth to a flame
It was a benevolent light
Not dazzlingly bright
But soft and easy on the eye
And when the vista opened wide
It emerged into serenity
With sweet music everywhere
And love enveloped me
Like a soft blanket
In the place of perfect peace
I stepped among the angels
Where no shadows fall
THEY FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS
They follow their hearts
A congregation of one accord
Singing the heartfelt lyrics
To make sweet music to the lord
FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER
Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door
ON THAT AND THIS
Many hours spent
A whole lifetime lent
Time spent remiss
On that and this
Times sands run
And can’t be undone
Too late to wish
Now stood at the abyss
Time never fails
To balance the scales
Regrets too late
Surrender to fate
Time to repent
Your lifetime lent
I don’t compare myself to others
Of greater worth or merit
Or try to compete or out perform them
Simply, I am my own man,
And I am content to be so
I am happy to be transparent
So those around me can see what I am
And know the content of my heart
And because of my strong principles
I have self respect
And in return I ask only one thing
To be respected
NEVER OVER REACH
Never confuse, without exception
Excellence with perfection
Excellence you can strive for
Perfection is something more
As I heard Michael J Fox once express
Perfection is God’s business
AS JOYOUS AS A SONG
My love for you
Is as joyous as a song,
Sung in congregation
With the faithful throng
DRAWN LIKE A MOTH
I moved toward the light
Drawn like a moth to a flame
It was a benevolent light
Not dazzlingly bright
But soft and easy on the eye
And when the vista opened wide
It emerged into serenity
With sweet music everywhere
And love enveloped me
Like a soft blanket
In the place of perfect peace
I stepped among the angels
Where no shadows fall
THEY FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS
They follow their hearts
A congregation of one accord
Singing the heartfelt lyrics
To make sweet music to the lord
FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER
Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door
ON THAT AND THIS
Many hours spent
A whole lifetime lent
Time spent remiss
On that and this
Times sands run
And can’t be undone
Too late to wish
Now stood at the abyss
Time never fails
To balance the scales
Regrets too late
Surrender to fate
Time to repent
Your lifetime lent
HUMEROUS POEMS # 1
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1
Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things
PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”
CELTIC PRIDE
The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day
A DRIVEN WOMAN
I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip
HAND HOLDING
I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop
PEARL ANNIVERSARY
After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry
MEDICAL MIRACLE
I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed
WE HAVE A WATER BED
We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?
Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things
PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”
CELTIC PRIDE
The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day
A DRIVEN WOMAN
I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip
HAND HOLDING
I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop
PEARL ANNIVERSARY
After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry
MEDICAL MIRACLE
I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed
WE HAVE A WATER BED
We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?
RIBALD # 1
MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 1
Black lacy stocking, suspenders or garters
Silk cami-knickers will do nicely for starters
Brassiered packages with straps like strings
These are a few of my favourite things
Petite little strumpets and long legged fillies
Brunettes and redheads stripped down to their frillies
Uniformed Nurses oh the pleasures they bring
These are a few of my favourite things
When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort
IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR
My wife said she'd like to have sex
In the back seat of the car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
In the back of someone else’s car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
With the guy we just met in the bar
BLIND DATES
I love going on blind dates
They just thrill me to bits
They don’t suit everyone
But hey if the cap fits
I do lots of blind dates
As many as time permits
We meet in a quiet place
Where I sit and stare at their tits
DO YOU HAVE A BRAZILIAN?
Are you sporting a Brazilian?
I think you might be Gillian
I don’t think you have a silly’n
Not like your kid sister Lillian
Who leans towards a Chilean
Or your older sister Jillian
With her moustachioed Sicilian
No I think you my daring Gillian
Might well have a Brazilian
Which is probably a chilly’n
DIRTY-BLONDE HAIR
Oh pretty girl
With the dirty-blonde hair
You may be the answer
To a lonely mans prayer
I have been watching
You standing there
And I’d like to ask
A question if I dare
Are you as dirty
As your dirty-blonde hair
ASTRONOMICAL LOVE
From the moons of Jupiter
And the areolas peaks
Across the navel plains
To the crater of Uranus
And the mound of Venus
BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD
British girls abroad
Fake tanned
Everything on display
Easy virtue
Easy lay
Begging for it?
Gagging for it?
Looking for it?
Perhaps not
But they know the way
BRITISH LADS ABROAD
British lads abroad
On the pull
Like what they see
With undiscerning eye
Out to play
Looking for an easy lay
On another 18-30 holiday
Black lacy stocking, suspenders or garters
Silk cami-knickers will do nicely for starters
Brassiered packages with straps like strings
These are a few of my favourite things
Petite little strumpets and long legged fillies
Brunettes and redheads stripped down to their frillies
Uniformed Nurses oh the pleasures they bring
These are a few of my favourite things
When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort
IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR
My wife said she'd like to have sex
In the back seat of the car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
In the back of someone else’s car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
With the guy we just met in the bar
BLIND DATES
I love going on blind dates
They just thrill me to bits
They don’t suit everyone
But hey if the cap fits
I do lots of blind dates
As many as time permits
We meet in a quiet place
Where I sit and stare at their tits
DO YOU HAVE A BRAZILIAN?
Are you sporting a Brazilian?
I think you might be Gillian
I don’t think you have a silly’n
Not like your kid sister Lillian
Who leans towards a Chilean
Or your older sister Jillian
With her moustachioed Sicilian
No I think you my daring Gillian
Might well have a Brazilian
Which is probably a chilly’n
DIRTY-BLONDE HAIR
Oh pretty girl
With the dirty-blonde hair
You may be the answer
To a lonely mans prayer
I have been watching
You standing there
And I’d like to ask
A question if I dare
Are you as dirty
As your dirty-blonde hair
ASTRONOMICAL LOVE
From the moons of Jupiter
And the areolas peaks
Across the navel plains
To the crater of Uranus
And the mound of Venus
BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD
British girls abroad
Fake tanned
Everything on display
Easy virtue
Easy lay
Begging for it?
Gagging for it?
Looking for it?
Perhaps not
But they know the way
BRITISH LADS ABROAD
British lads abroad
On the pull
Like what they see
With undiscerning eye
Out to play
Looking for an easy lay
On another 18-30 holiday
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