I KISSED A GIRL

I KISSED A GIRL # 1

I kissed a girl,
A very friendly sort
While I was staying
At a seaside resort

One kiss led to another
One kiss led to the other
And one kiss led to her
Becoming a mother

I KISSED A GIRL # 2

I kissed the girl
On an aeroplane
And on the airport bus
I kissed her once again

I kissed a girl
That I met in Spain
We met later that day
And we kissed again

I kissed the girl
With the long white train
And at the alter
I kissed her once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love tarty Marti
And svelter Delta
Sloppy Poppy
And vulgar Olga

I love baddy Maddie
And angrier Andrea
Clean Jean
And fairer Farah

I love scorer Pandora
And messy Bessie
Gaudy Maudie
And sassie Cassie

I love a damp vamp
To tell the truth
Or Horny Dawny
And uncouth Ruth

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love Commando Jo
And nudie Trudy
Above the knee Fi
And rudie Judy

I love on her back Jack
The leerer Vera
Back alley Sally
And in the rear Greer

I love fellatia Felicia
The giver of head
Pork me Courtney
And three in a bed Winifred

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 13

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love feelier Ophelia
And mauler Paula
Dirty Gertie
And pawer Dora

I love Harlot Charlotte
And Spanky Frankie
Molester Ester
And first in Kirsten

I love envelopy Penelope
Then get free again
For a crumpet strumpet
And game whatsaname

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 14

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love square Clair
And plane Jayne
Prettier Leticia
And vane Lorraine

I love Slinky Pinky
And Bipolar Lola
Jammy Sami
And Tequila Sheila

I love Thirsty Kirstie
And Cabana Lana
Caffeine Kristine
And Marijuana Adriana

I love never fail Abigail
One of many Penny
Can’t fool her Tallulah
And spend a penny Jenny

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 15

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love warmer Norma
And chilly Millie
Brahma Alma
And misty Kristi

I love diva Riva
And the miser Eliza
Expressly Leslie
And viler Isla

I love sweet Reet
And henna Sienna
Bonny Bonnie
And better Henrietta

I love crabby Gabby
And flabby Abi
Tabby Abi
And shabby Tabbi

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 16

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love ballerina Katrina
And piston Kristen
Rave Maive
And oblivion Vivian

I love slasher Sasha
And gaily Kayleigh
Greener Meena
And trophy Sophie

I love Christian Christine
And the mystical Zen Jen
Pegan Megan
And Zen Jen once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 17

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love bilious Phileas
And slow Mo
Jail bait Kate
And here we go Jo

I love Havana Savannah
And felony Melanie
Gonna Donna
And orally Laura-Lee

I love sillieth Lilleth
And Soya Moiré
Sillier Delia
And coyer Toya

I love brash Tash
And swell Gabrielle
Coarser Porsche
And go to hell Mel

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 18

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love TaTa Tara
And poor Dorr
Trim Miriam
And say more Gaynor

I love stiff Steph
And better Greta
Madeira Vera
And skeleta Nicolleta

I love Pizzeria Pia
And green Jean
World Wide Web Deb
And Chlorine Maureen

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 19

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a similar name
Basically I have a bad memory
So the names should sound the same

Like Rosita, Lolita
Sita, Rita or Nikita
Anita, Margarita
Benita, Nita or Greta

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 20

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Chaise Blaise
And Bombay Rene
Pulsy Dulcie
And Crochet Fay

I love Gray Kay
And shorn Fawn
Blue Pru
And forlorn Dawn

I love Taxi Maxi
And Swish Trish
Victorian Dorian
And Swiss Bliss

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 5

My thoughts are sinful
For the thoughts I think
Are of the open petals
Of your flower moist and pink

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 6

My thoughts are sinful
And they’d make you frown
For to make me stand up
You would go down

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 7

My thoughts are sinful
Thoughts of your silky skin
The lushness of your bush
Your succulent musk within
A firm young body
With soft moist lips of sin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 1

You wouldn’t smile at me
Or give me that cheeky grin
If you knew I imagine you
With my balls resting on your chin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 2

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you could read my mind
And vividly picture my thoughts
Which are of a lustful kind
Thoughts of bending you over
And taking you from behind

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 3

You wouldn’t smile at me
With that sweet look on your face
If you knew I imagine you
In black stockings and lace

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 4

You wouldn’t smile at me
My sweet innocent miss
If you knew I wanted to visit
Your sweet haven of bliss

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 5

You wouldn’t smile at me
In that sweet way that you do
If you knew I often imagine
Myself orally pleasing you

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 6

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew all the while
That I was imagining you
Wearing nothing but a smile

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 7

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Pleasuring yourself before me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 8

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Naked and straddling me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 9

You wouldn’t smile at me
Never again after this time
If you knew I imagined you
The other half of my sixty-nine

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 10

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew the thoughts I think
Imagining you in an erotic dance
Scantily clad in sensual pink

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 11

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my fantasies
Of you slowly undressing
As you tantalise and tease
Before submitting to me
On your hands and knees

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 12

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew what’s in my head
Pictures of you lying naked
Beneath me in my bed

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13

You wouldn’t smile at me
Because my thoughts would appal
Because I think of having you
Up against the office wall

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my thought process
When I imagine you commando
Underneath that pretty dress

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15

You wouldn’t smile at me
With my thoughts misbehavin’
If you knew how I wonder
If you have a shaven haven

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1

Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3

Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed

PUT DOWNS

PUT DOWN # 40

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

PUT DOWN # 41

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"

PUT DOWN # 42

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"

PUT DOWN # 43

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"

PUT DOWN # 44

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"

PUT DOWN # 45

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"

PUT DOWN # 46

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'

MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202

Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206

The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207

The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208

The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209

The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210

There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211

There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212

There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213

There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214

There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215

Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216

Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217

Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218

There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”