FILM CHOICE

How too choose, how to select
A film to fill that two hour slot
The bumph will big it up
Over egg the pudding like as not
So I look for key word like
“Thought provoking” or “moody”
“Poignant, “Critically acclaimed”
Or “Stunning cinematography”
And when I’ve identified them
I know they are the ones to miss
And I get the one with the cover picture
Of a girl in a state of undress

THERE IS A GHOST IN MY HOUSE

There is a ghost in my house
That haunts my every waking moment
And infiltrates my dreams
A ghost that taunts and torments
The ghost in my house is you
I am haunted by the memory of you
It is the ghost of our lost love
And I am tormented because I let you go

USED AND ABUSED

You sought me out
And overwhelmed me
Your directness was disarming
You were seductive and charming
But the want of you made me ache
And soon you took me to bed
Made me sweat and made me shake
As you soothed my ache
You made me whimper and moan
And grunt and groan
You used me and abused me
Until I begged for rest
You exhausted me
Till I could scarcely go on
And when I had no more to give
You wrung me out like a wet rag
And cast me aside
Then as quickly as you came into my life
You were gone from it
And I slept the clock around

NATURAL WORLD

They say nature is perfect
They say nature is beautiful
But they are so wrong
Nature is ugly and brutal
Oh it looks pretty in a picture
I quite accept it all looks nice
But don’t be fooled
Nature will kill you in a trice
It doesn’t matter where you go
If you look closely enough
Something is eating something else
Nature is cruel and tough
Its dog eat dog its bird eat frog
Its fish eat fish its whale eat seal
In nature it seems to me
Everything is some body’s meal
So don’t try telling to me
That nature is perfect and wonderful
I don’t need the natural world
I can go to London if I want brutal

MOUSE TALE

We have an unwanted mouse in our house
But am I permitted to kill it? No is the answer
My son suggested I leave the back door open
So it could let it self out when it was ready
My wife wants me to buy a humane trap
So I can catch it, release it, and catch it again next week
How confused we are of what animals are
We have this romantic notion of the animal kingdom
That they are just like humans but in animal form
We have endowed the beasts with human qualities
Beatrix Potter’s tales are a classic example of this
Stories spoon fed to young eager minds for decades
Mice do not live in houses, watch TV or play scrabble
It’s just a mouse, its vermin, and it’s eating my food
They have been humanised in a century of cartoons
In that undignified way we have Disney-fied them
Well we need to un-Disneyfy the creatures double quick
So I have baited my trap and I will wait for the snap
Because Mice don’t live in houses especially not in mine

PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE

I have three teenage sons
With appetites like men
And it costs a fortune
Feeding all of them
But due to the economy
Times are hard you see
So as they eat like men
At dinner time I told them
“Due to the current recession
Which may lead to a depression
Tough times are ahead you know
So we will have to let you all go"

IT’S NOT OVER

We left the stadium after awhile
Exiting though the open turnstiles
To find inappropriately clad in licra
And standing on top of a Micra
A very fat woman singing opera
From on top of that poor little car
When I heard a laugh from my lad
Who then said “It’s all over then Dad”