ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A SAILOR

When the navy is in town
There is mayhem all around
As the sex starved from the fleet
Wreak havoc in the streets
Chanting amidst the noise
Get your tits out for the boys
In search of feminine company
After several months at sea
Pleasing them is easy
These horny men of the sea
They don’t want to see your thighs
Or to look into your big brown eyes
The only thing that will satisfy
Is getting your tits out for the guys
They don’t want to see you pout
Just get your top off and get them out
You can do a dance of lust
If you really think you must
You can even bump and grind
They don’t really mind
You can make a really sexy noise
As you get your tits out for the boys
This is not the best way to be
If you really want some company
Oh these enlightened men of the sea
All end the night skint and lonely

GSI NOT DIY

I don’t do plumbing
Carpentry or electrics
I don’t mess with tiling
Bricklaying or mechanics
I suppose I could be described
As a handy man, in a way
As I live on the premises
And can be there the same day
But that isn’t really handy
If I’m being fair
As I’m actually bloody useless
When I get there
So I don’t do DIY
I’m just not that guy
But I do, do GSI
I’m a “Get Someone In” kind of guy

KEEP FAT

I’ve just seen myself in the mirror
And it’s clear I need to get thinner
But if I join a gym they tell me
I will feel the benefits immediately
Their fitness plan like as not
Will take me from shot to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to see my toes
I just need to pay them through the nose
So rather than try to get thinner
I will just stop looking in the mirror

NICE ONE HENRY # 2

FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
Handled the ball to keep it in play
A offence done quite deliberately
Which was compounded by his lie
That it happened accidentally

BETTER TO BE DEAD THAN RED

The Liverpool supporters
Singing from the cop
Urge me to join them
On and on they never stop

“You’ll never walk alone”
Is the anthem they sing
It’s gone on for years now
With that tinny scouser ring

Well I’m from Blackpool
And of more sober tone
Which is why I say to the cop
That I’d rather walk alone

CONFESSIONS OF A HOOKER

Lying in bed on their wedding night
The newly wed wife said, eyes full of tears
“Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years”The husband said to her calmly
That he had no concern about it
And that it might even
Spice up their nuptials a bit
Then she got flustered
And said “no, no you don’t understand
My name was Jeremy
And I played Rugby for England”

WHO’S THE WANKER IN THE BLACK?

The song of the supporters pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
That was the chant
But no longer, for you cant
Disrespect the referee
For a man such as he
Is to be protected
And respected
And no one must speak ill
Even if forced to swallow the bitter pill
Of un-just officialdom
Which is NOT seldom
No manager may mutter
Query or utter
Discontent in the refs direction
For to commit such an indiscretion
Will see them had up before the FA
Where a fine must be paid
And be sentenced to a touchline ban
For insulting the black clad man
But why should they be protected
And forcibly respected
They are a professional group
And well salaried to boot
They no longer officiate
In their amateur state
Low-tech refereeing
A hobby to be fitted in
Attending the scene of their crime
In their spare time
With no remuneration
For their dedication
No “bread and honey”
Just enough for petrol money
If lucky luncheon vouchers maybe
For a cup of tea
And a pie to warm the soul
Before disallowing a perfectly good goal
It was much better then
With those amateur men
And be able to say to their faces
That they were bloody disgraces
I don’t think we have progressed
Now we have professional refs
They now think themselves important
And no longer want to hear the chant
But I still want to sing with the pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”