# 76
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls
# 77
Horsey, horsey will you stopJust stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells
# 78
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a CAnd Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ
# 79
The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again
# 80
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache
# 81
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”
# 82
Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese
Monday, 2 November 2009
SWEETHEARTS
Put you trust in me my love
I will never let you down my dear
My darling, dry your tears
My angel set aside your fears
Our life together will be sublime
Sweethearts till the end of time
I will never let you down my dear
My darling, dry your tears
My angel set aside your fears
Our life together will be sublime
Sweethearts till the end of time
LOTHARIO
Just let me gaze into your eyes
His words did not disguise
His unsubtle advances
Of flirtatious talk and furtive glances
But I fell victim to his charms
And he held me in his arms
But I held him in mine as well
And then had him under my spell
As I gazed into his eyes
I had the lothario hypnotised
His words did not disguise
His unsubtle advances
Of flirtatious talk and furtive glances
But I fell victim to his charms
And he held me in his arms
But I held him in mine as well
And then had him under my spell
As I gazed into his eyes
I had the lothario hypnotised
TECHNICAL TIP
This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!
WANT
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
I want to inhale you
I want to consume you
I want to undress you
Slow and controlled
I want to peel you
Like a piece of fruit
Whose consumption
Is to be anticipated
Each layer more revealing
Exposing the sumptuous flesh
Ripe in its perfection
A sight to be savoured
A delight to be relished
I want to touch you
Feel the warmth of you flesh
Sense it tremble beneath my fingers
Feel the beating of your heart
Beneath your perfect skin
Listen to your breath sounds
Altering with each touch
I want to caress the shape of you
Touch the heat of your passion
Feel your moistness
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
But to you I don’t exist
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
I want to inhale you
I want to consume you
I want to undress you
Slow and controlled
I want to peel you
Like a piece of fruit
Whose consumption
Is to be anticipated
Each layer more revealing
Exposing the sumptuous flesh
Ripe in its perfection
A sight to be savoured
A delight to be relished
I want to touch you
Feel the warmth of you flesh
Sense it tremble beneath my fingers
Feel the beating of your heart
Beneath your perfect skin
Listen to your breath sounds
Altering with each touch
I want to caress the shape of you
Touch the heat of your passion
Feel your moistness
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
But to you I don’t exist
MY
My skin yearns
For your gentle touch
That silken caress
Of velvet joy
My body yearns
For the warmth
Of your tender embrace
Enveloping me
My heart pleads
For you presence
To be replenished
To be refilled
My lips beg
To be softly kissed
By petal pink mouth
Of honey sweetness
My essence craves
That other entity
Which makes me whole
My soul mate
For your gentle touch
That silken caress
Of velvet joy
My body yearns
For the warmth
Of your tender embrace
Enveloping me
My heart pleads
For you presence
To be replenished
To be refilled
My lips beg
To be softly kissed
By petal pink mouth
Of honey sweetness
My essence craves
That other entity
Which makes me whole
My soul mate
BAD RECEPTION
You sit in reception
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo
You read your magazine
Quite empty headed
Smiling at men
Who’d have you bedded
If you could read our minds
What images you’d see
Vividly depicted scenes
Of lust and debauchery
You would be employed
For a very different job
With balls on your chin
And a nob in your gob
The men in the pinstripe
Would have you promoted
If you allowed yourself
To be spit roasted
The delivery driver with
“a package for yer”
Would like to bend you over
The photo copier
Even the women
Of the other persuasion
View you in their fantasies
Being used for perversions
As for myself you would see
Your bountiful naked bod
Breathless and panting
Riding my rod
It’s safer if you remain
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo
This poem was inspired by a particularly unhelpful, vacuous and obnoxious receptionist in Sheffield whose complete disinterest in anything but her magazine led me to compose this ode, fuelled merely by spite and malice.
I would like to apologize in advance to the large body of very efficient, helpful and largely sexually unattractive receptionists up and down the country.
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo
You read your magazine
Quite empty headed
Smiling at men
Who’d have you bedded
If you could read our minds
What images you’d see
Vividly depicted scenes
Of lust and debauchery
You would be employed
For a very different job
With balls on your chin
And a nob in your gob
The men in the pinstripe
Would have you promoted
If you allowed yourself
To be spit roasted
The delivery driver with
“a package for yer”
Would like to bend you over
The photo copier
Even the women
Of the other persuasion
View you in their fantasies
Being used for perversions
As for myself you would see
Your bountiful naked bod
Breathless and panting
Riding my rod
It’s safer if you remain
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo
This poem was inspired by a particularly unhelpful, vacuous and obnoxious receptionist in Sheffield whose complete disinterest in anything but her magazine led me to compose this ode, fuelled merely by spite and malice.
I would like to apologize in advance to the large body of very efficient, helpful and largely sexually unattractive receptionists up and down the country.
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