IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 1

I laugh in the face of quiz shows
With their supercilious so and so’s
I scoff at the “Mastermind” chair
And “Who wants to be a millionaire”
I spit on Ken Bruce’s “Pop Master”
The “Brain of Britain” or “The Krypton factor”
The only quiz worthy of its name
Is the excellent “Keithy’s guessing game”

IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 2

Keithy’s guessing game
Is full of gems and jewela
Questions on music trivia
Set to expose the fools
My only complaint, is that he
Keeps changing the bloody rules

Keith is a guy that I work with and he entertains us with his amusing daily quiz, Keithy’s guessing game
It’s predominantly a music quiz but invariably branches off into other areas.

A Good Chuckle

PUT DOWN # 8

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line you might get
So just reply to him
“I wasn’t born for most of it”

PUT DOWN # 9

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Where have you been all my life?”
Is the kind of line he may use
So just reply to him
“I’ve been hiding from you”

LITTLE BOY BLUE

A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist

PUT DOWN # 10

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How did you get to be so beautiful?”
He may well declare
So just reply to him
“I must've been given your share”

PUT DOWN # 11

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Will you go out with me this Saturday”?
Is an invitation he may extend
So just reply to him
“Sorry. I have a headache this weekend”

BELLA DONNA

I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela

If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela

PUT DOWN # 12

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Your face must turn a few heads”
May be one of his attacks
So just reply to him
“Yours must turn a few stomachs”

PUT DOWN # 13

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“The look of you could stop a mans heart”
May be his opening gambit
So just reply to him
“The look of you could stop traffic”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”

PUT DOWN # 14

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“I’ve been looking for you all my life”
Just reply to him
“I hope you told your wife”

PUT DOWN # 15

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“You’re more than a woman to me”
Just reply to him
“More than you know, my name’s Henry”

A NEW BROOM

Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of genourous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her

PUT DOWN # 16

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I think I could make you very happy”
Is a line he might be weaving
So just reply to him
“Why? Are you leaving”?

PUT DOWN # 17

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“What would you say if I asked you to marry me”?
Just say clearly to him
“Nothing, I can't talk and laugh simultaneously”

LONG LIFE

“What is the secret of your longevity?”
They asked the world’s oldest human being
He replied “a good diet and exercise,
But most of all you must keep breathing”

PUT DOWN # 18

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Can I have your name Hon”?
Just say clearly to him
“Why? Don't you already have one”?

PUT DOWN # 19

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Shall we go and see a movie”?
Just reply to him
“I've seen it already”

SWING

I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty

But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger

PUT DOWN # 20

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“Is this seat empty Hon”?
Just reply to him
“Yes, and if you sit down so will this one”

PUT DOWN # 21

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he says to you
“I bet you are a lawyer or a doctor?”
Just reply to him
“No I'm a female impersonator”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)

My dad told me“
Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”

PUT DOWN # 22

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Hey baby, what's your sign”?
Is a question he may tender
So just reply to him
“My sign is “do not enter””

PUT DOWN # 23

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Wow your body is like a temple”
He might well say
Just reply to him
“Sorry, there are no services today”

PUT DOWN # 24

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“I'd die happy, If I could see you naked”
He might well begin
So just reply to him
“If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing”

CRIME WATCH

To reduce rising crime
There are criteria to meet
One of which is of course
More “Bobbies” on the beat

Preventative measures help
Taking precaution certainly
Locking doors and windows
Fitting alarms and CCTV

But the only certain way
For your possessions to remain
And for streets to be crime free
Is to stay indoors and pray for rain

GET A GRIP

It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”

Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”

PICKING FROM THE MENU

Looks can be so deceiving
When searching for a lover
If you make an instant judgment
Just hope they can deliver

So ladies beware when choosing
The macho over the wimp
If you expect to get king prawn
You may end up getting shrimp

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

In order to keep supping
From the gravy train
The hangers on have boarded
The chav express again

Moving the Goody show
To the stage from satellite
So they can still cash in
And keep her in the spotlight

As if this crazy world
Wasn’t already farcical
Now we have to suffer
Jade the fucking musical

EVEN MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 23

One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 24

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 25

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamberthere I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 26

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,The cow jumped over the moon.We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 27
Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 28

Doctor FosterWent to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 29

Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 30

Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clockThe clock’s struck dumbThe batteries run downUseless bloody clock

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 31

London Bridge is falling down,Falling down, falling down,And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 32

Mondays child is bleary eyed,Tuesdays child is full of pride,Wednesdays child is fighting fit,Thursdays child is full of shit,Fridays child gets out of its brain,Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 33

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffetEating her curds and whey,Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned herAnd horny Miss Muffet said ok

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 34

Old Mother HubbardWent to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some breadWhen she got thereThe cupboard was bareSo she ate the doggie instead.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,One named Peter, one named Paul.Fly away Peter, away said Paul,Don’t come back, this is my wall!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36

Jack Sprat could eat no fatHis wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 37

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough