Thursday, 4 September 2008

TITTER YE NOT AMY

The pop diva Amy Winehouse
It was announced in the press today
May stay in Frankie Howerd’s old house
If Amy’s Mum manages to get her way
Her mum told her she has to go to rehab
But Amy said nay, nay and thrice nay

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - PANCAKE DAY

Catherine, A young mother was making pancakes for her boys
Kevin and Ryan who were five and three began making noise
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake
Catherine saw the opportunity for a moral point she could make
"If Jesus were sitting here, today he would say, and not hesitate”
'Please let my brother have the first pancake, because I can wait.'"
The boys sat silent for a few moments after their mother’s address
Then Kevin turned to his brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - CHILDISH GRACE

Catherine was having a dinner and some friends were invited
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said
"Would you say grace?" "I don't know what to say," she replied
"Just say what you hear Mummy say," the husband then plied
The girl bowed her head and said thinking she was on a winner
"Oh Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES –PRAYER

Megan a little four-year-old was heard praying
Well it was the lords prayer that she was saying
And she said "And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THOU SHALT NOT

In our church’s Sunday school class our children
Have been learning about the Ten Commandments
After the class had studied hard about the first nine
They approached the last one with some confidence
The teacher asked the class if anyone could tell her
“What was the tenth commandment for a moral life”
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and proudly quoted
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – QUIET CLASS

A Sunday school teacher once asked her children
As they were on the way to their own church service
"Why is it necessary for us to be quiet in church?"
One girl replied "Because people are sleeping miss"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THE CHRISTENING

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
All the way home Jamie sat in the car and cries
His father asked him over and over what the matter was
And then still sobbing the boy finally replies
"The Vicar said he wanted us to be brought up
In a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THE LORDS PRAYER

Three year old Katie had been learning
The Lords prayer with her mother each night
She would repeat each line after her mother
Practicing and practising to get it right
Katie’s mum carefully enunciated each word
Going over and over each line in detail
Finally, Katie went solo "Lead us not into temptation"
She carefully recited "but deliver us some E-mail”

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THE WEDDING

Six-year-old Ellie was in church
With four-year-old Luke her brother
They were sitting in the church
Attending a family wedding together
Luke laughed, sang, and talked out loud.
Pulled faces and generally messed about
Finally, his big sister had had enough
Luke was spoiling her special day out
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why?” Luke asked “Who's going to stop me?".
Ellie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"Those two men by the door are hushers see"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – DOWN ON THE BEACH

A Dad was on the beach with his children
When his four-year-old son ran up to him,
Took his hand and dragged to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand before him
"Daddy, what happened to it?" the boy asked
Dad replied "He died and went to Heaven son,"
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down here then?"

MILITARY LAW

MILITARY LAW # 1

There is an old law of combat
If you heed this you’ll go far
Never ever share a foxhole
With anyone braver than you are

MILITARY LAW # 2

The buddy system is essential
To surviving in combat
Because it gives the enemy
Somebody else to shoot at

MILITARY LAW # 3

Never let a senior officer
Stand next to you
Because even snipers
Can make mistakes too

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY

DOORS

It's very important that you endeavour
Not to allow you're human too ever
In any room keep the doors shut
To get a door open, just purr or strut
Once you've got your human to open it
It is not necessary for you to use it
If it is an outside door lie in the threshold
This is very important if it's wet or cold

HELP WITH THE COOKING

When supervising the cooking
Get behind the cook by sitting
Where she would be hard put
To see you just by her left foot
And you will stand a better chance
Of being trod on which will advance
Your human to pick you up to
Babble gibberish and comfort you

PAPERWORK

If you're human is doing paperwork
Lie on it and you drive them berserk
A fun thing to do if they are writing
Is to play with the pencil by batting

READING BOOKS

When you're human is reading a book
Jump up on them to get a closer look
Get close up to them under their chin
So it's hard for them to keep reading
Keep between the reader and the book
And dribble on it when they try to look
If you get the chance lie on their hands
They will soon give in to your demands

READING NEWSPAPERS

Now this is a very interesting caper
When you're human is reading the paper
Jump up at the newspaper suddenly
Silently and landing on their knee
This will make the paper unreadable
And your human a little disagreeable

USING THE COMPUTER

When your human is working at the computer
Bat at the cursor this will make you even cuter
Then walk across keyboard without hesitating
Then lay across their arms to stop them typing

AT BEDTIME

They wont sleep well if you get it right
Always sleep on your human at night
So that they cannot easily move around
Bat at their ears if they sleep to sound

THE LITTER BOX

If you notice your humans isn't wearing socks
Be sure to kick plenty of litter out of your box
If they're half a sleep is the best time I suppose
Humans love the feel of litter between their toes

THE ART OF HIDING

From time to time it is a good idea
To hide and make your human fear
When you return home eventually
They will be so relieved to see
With open arms you they will greet
And you are bound to get a treat

HOW TO GREET A GUEST

If visitors come to your home
Jump on their laps to welcome
Purr loudly and turn around
Break wind and then jump down

CHAIRS OR CARPETS

If you think you're going to be sick
Get to any chair as quick as you can
If you cannot manage it in time
Get to the expensive rug from Japan
If there is no Oriental rug to hand
Then the shag pile will certainly fit
When throwing up on any carpet
Make sure you back up as you do it

THE BATHROOM

If visitors go to the bathroom
Always accompany them there
It's not necessary to do anything
You just have to sit and stare

PANDERING

The Giant Panda
To some extent
Is the architect
Of its predicament
Its choice of habitat
And fussy diet
Contributes greatly
To its demise, I regret

REBORN

Mountain snows thawing
Swollen rivers causing
Nature dormant awakening
Newlife into breathing
Sprouting shoots arriving
Early cherry blossoming
Annual event occurring
Life’s cycle repeating
Spring time refreshing
Simple senses pleasing
Gods design believing

REAWAKENED

Nature reawakened
As the long winter dies
Naked boughs are dressed
Spring causing sap to rise
The resounding birdsong
Fills again the April skies
And the warming earth
Releases daff’s and narcissi’s