An elderly couple were in church
When about halfway through,
May leant over and whispered
In the ear of her husband lou,
'I just let out a silent fart
What do you think I should do?'
'I think you should put a new battery
In your hearing aid' Replied Lou
Thursday, 4 September 2008
SUMMER STORM
A white cloud
Appears on the once
Clear blue afternoon sky
Like a careless splodge of white
On the blue canvas of an artist
It bubbles up
Then races across the blue
Another appears bigger this time
Then another and another
And as they move across the sky
They cast their shadows across the land
Patches of light and dark
Appear to move over the landscape
Like a giant kaleidoscope
One of the sunny patches
Illuminates the weeping cherry
Where the gold finches sing
Then there is more cloud than sky
The small white clouds
Have now bubbled up and darkened
And from the lake the Geese speak
To no one in particular
Saying that a storm is coming
In the distance the mountains
Stand out starkly
Against the ever darkening sky
The first sounds of thunder
Roll around the valley
Sounding like a distant train
Getting nearer and louder
Silent lightning streaks
Across the blackening clouds
Then a thunder clap
Not to be mistaken for a distant train
Large raindrops hit the ground
Dappling the dry earth
Strumming on the roof tops
And the tops of parked cars
In a reassuring rhythm
And as the last dry spot disappeared
The torrent began
Falling vertically like monsoon rains
Lightning streaks dazzled the eyes
And almost instant thunder shook the house
The waters of the lake
Erupted like a pot coming to the boil
And day was turned to night
Slowly the rain eased
And the storm rolled on
Blue coloured the skies again
The Geese spoke again from the lake
Gold finches sang once more
And the air was filled with the scent of wet pines
Appears on the once
Clear blue afternoon sky
Like a careless splodge of white
On the blue canvas of an artist
It bubbles up
Then races across the blue
Another appears bigger this time
Then another and another
And as they move across the sky
They cast their shadows across the land
Patches of light and dark
Appear to move over the landscape
Like a giant kaleidoscope
One of the sunny patches
Illuminates the weeping cherry
Where the gold finches sing
Then there is more cloud than sky
The small white clouds
Have now bubbled up and darkened
And from the lake the Geese speak
To no one in particular
Saying that a storm is coming
In the distance the mountains
Stand out starkly
Against the ever darkening sky
The first sounds of thunder
Roll around the valley
Sounding like a distant train
Getting nearer and louder
Silent lightning streaks
Across the blackening clouds
Then a thunder clap
Not to be mistaken for a distant train
Large raindrops hit the ground
Dappling the dry earth
Strumming on the roof tops
And the tops of parked cars
In a reassuring rhythm
And as the last dry spot disappeared
The torrent began
Falling vertically like monsoon rains
Lightning streaks dazzled the eyes
And almost instant thunder shook the house
The waters of the lake
Erupted like a pot coming to the boil
And day was turned to night
Slowly the rain eased
And the storm rolled on
Blue coloured the skies again
The Geese spoke again from the lake
Gold finches sang once more
And the air was filled with the scent of wet pines
HIS PERFECT WOMAN
According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat
THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A CELLIST
There's something about a cellist
That really turns me on
A female cellist obviously
In a low cut evening dress
Of emerald green velvet
The great polished instrument
Between her long black stockined legs
Her long brunette hair
Dancing across her naked shoulders
Brushing her alabaster skin
In frantic rhythm to her playing
As she delivers her rendition
To a largely disinterested audience
Sat in the lavish surroundings
Of a grand hotel lobby
A pale willowy figure called Deidre
Purposefully thrashing out a piece by Elgar
Or playing some uplifting Vivaldi
Maybe some Mesmeric Schubert
Or music to slash your wrists by
Courtesy of Mahler or Wagner
The music itself is unimportant
Ok its not cellists that turns me on
But there's something about Deidre
That definitely does
When she's playing the cello
That really turns me on
A female cellist obviously
In a low cut evening dress
Of emerald green velvet
The great polished instrument
Between her long black stockined legs
Her long brunette hair
Dancing across her naked shoulders
Brushing her alabaster skin
In frantic rhythm to her playing
As she delivers her rendition
To a largely disinterested audience
Sat in the lavish surroundings
Of a grand hotel lobby
A pale willowy figure called Deidre
Purposefully thrashing out a piece by Elgar
Or playing some uplifting Vivaldi
Maybe some Mesmeric Schubert
Or music to slash your wrists by
Courtesy of Mahler or Wagner
The music itself is unimportant
Ok its not cellists that turns me on
But there's something about Deidre
That definitely does
When she's playing the cello
THE NAKED TRUTH (1)
Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed
"You have perfect eyesight" He replied
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed
"You have perfect eyesight" He replied
THE ROAD TO OBLIVION
As a school kid
It was cider first
Then as a student
Wine came second
Then as a worker
The vodka came third
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
Out every night
Drinking trebles
Never slowing down
Even seeing double
They never slow down
Never have a single
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
Before breakfast
One eye opener
Mid morning at the office
Two snifters in the loo
A liquid lunchtime
Three large ones do it
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
The lost weekends
Come first
Then the tremours
Follow a close second
Cirrhosis of the liver
Takes its place in third
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
I’m only a social drinker
The first denial
I can stop if I want too
The second denial
I’m in control of the drink
The third denial
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
In a gutter covered in vomit
Not for the first time
Coming round in casualty
More than the second time
Surrounded by medics
No way back the third time
It stops there
It was cider first
Then as a student
Wine came second
Then as a worker
The vodka came third
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
Out every night
Drinking trebles
Never slowing down
Even seeing double
They never slow down
Never have a single
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
Before breakfast
One eye opener
Mid morning at the office
Two snifters in the loo
A liquid lunchtime
Three large ones do it
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
The lost weekends
Come first
Then the tremours
Follow a close second
Cirrhosis of the liver
Takes its place in third
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
I’m only a social drinker
The first denial
I can stop if I want too
The second denial
I’m in control of the drink
The third denial
But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware
In a gutter covered in vomit
Not for the first time
Coming round in casualty
More than the second time
Surrounded by medics
No way back the third time
It stops there
A NOTIONAL MOTION
Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?
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