A Little Bit Of Humour # 135

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 384

The old lady who lived in a shoe
Was forced into the sex trade
And moved into a thigh high
Stiletto Boot on what she made

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 10

Tinderfella went to the dance
Looking for a little romance
But in the end he didnt find her
Because they were all on grindr

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeons were a couple of arses
One of them said to the other “I bet now
You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

MY COUSIN IS AN ORTHODONTIST

My cousin is an orthodontist
In the American deep south
I don’t think he’s happy, as he
Always looks down in the mouth

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

The most miraculous animal
In the farm-yard, I am assured
Is the humble pig and that’s because
It is killed and then cured

WHEN IS A LOVER LIKE A TAILOR

When is a lover like a tailor?
Surely that point is moot
The answer simply has to be
When he presses his suit

A WOMAN, HAVING BURIED HER

A woman, having buried her
Philandering husband Dwight,
Said she had one consolation,
She knew where he was at night

AVOID MARRYING A GIRL CALLED ANN

Avoid marrying a girl called Ann
With every fibre and particle
Because if you marry her
She will be an indefinite article

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

A woman’s favourite word
When all said and done
Doesn’t have to be special
It just has to be the last one

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

When actor Foghorn Leghorn
Retired to a farm near Leyton
Named his favourite he “Macduff”
Because he wanted her to lay on

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says its
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

A Little Bit Of Humour # 134

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9

New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE

The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again

CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS

Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'

LIP-SALVE

Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away

FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH

For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall

IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME

It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels