A Little Bit Of Humour # 111

EASTER PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2

The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop

HAVING + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone

WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING

When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs

AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY

At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside

PICKUP # 16

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS

Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing

AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB

An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD

I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast

WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM

We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport

I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM

I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far

A Little Bit Of Humour # 110

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”

FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN

Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT

The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

PICKUP # 15

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1

The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME

“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”

SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER

Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING

The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour

ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?

Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham

MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER

My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold

ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD

One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives

EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME

Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day

SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF

She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg