A Humourous Collection # 12

PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY

He was blessed most verily
With a photographic memory
It was never developed sadly

THE HARDER THEY FALL

A universal truth of worth
On which you can truly depend
If they get too big for the britches
They’ll be exposed in the end

FIRST SIGNS OF AGEING

She looked in the mirror
Then she started to cry
She had seen her first grey hair
And she thought she'd dye

ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE - ACUPUNCTURE

When you finish the treatment
You feel like number one
I would certainly recommend it
Acupuncture is a jab well done

CITY OF ANGELS

The smog sits over Los Angeles
On another California day
But when the smog finally lifts
U.C.L.A.

A SEISMIC SHIFT

An eminent professor thought
Her earthquake theory was sound
But soon found her knowledge
Was on very shaky ground

WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS

With marriage she got a mixture
Of happiness and stress
A husband and a companion
And a new name and a dress

HALLOWEEN COLLECTION

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 1

Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
Beneath your long black coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Halloween
For a certain horny old goat

HELLO SEXY HALLOWEEN GIRL

Hello sexy Halloween girl
Just one look at you
And how my old heart beats

So tell me sexy Halloween girl
That you have no tricks for me
But you will give me some treats

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?

Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
I don’t know what I think of that
I will just have to wait and see
If you decide to put a spell on me
I think it might be a thrill
If you were to bend me to your will

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a witch’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The shoes and cloak and hat
Striped stockings and all that
Then ply me with your potion
And realise your every notion

HELLO DARLING HALLOWEEN GIRL

Hello darling Halloween girl
With your bag half full of sweets
I hope you have no tricks for me
If I top up your bag with treats

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN GARTERS?

Are you wearing Halloween garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there pagan garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Halloween garters?

SPIRITUOUS

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Halloween Knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Wiccan honey

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 1

Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Adorned with a a scary motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with a spooky motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief

ARE YOU WEARING DEVILS HORNS?

Are you wearing devils horns?
Now I get one of those winks
You’re wearing the tail as well?
You naughty little minx
You are clearly more devilish
Than anyone else thinks
Is it because it’s Halloween
Or a few too many Drinks

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKS?

Are you wearing Halloween knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Halloween knickers
What wonderful Witching hour fare

IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Halloween hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 2

Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with a festive motif
What a Halloween this will be

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 2

Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
With a wicked witch motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Halloween treat
Beyond the wicked witch motif
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Halloween drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well yes it would be regarded as a treat
And not just down your street

NO MANS LAND

No mans land,
A desolate place
An unforgiving place
Where stout hearts
Chill and falter
To glimpse at hell

Doom awaits us there
On that alien field
Where death falls like rain
In shrapnel shards
And bullets speak
Of whispered demise

No mans land,
A desolate place
Where men drown
In mud, blood and tears
Blood shed for country
Tears shed for kin

THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A PANCAKE

There’s nothing like a pancake
With lemon curd spread on
And no greater disappointment
When it turns out to be Dijon

THE DOVE OF PEACE

The dove of peace
Flying on lordly wings
Delivered an olive branch
Which delivered the world

A Little Sport

I LIKE THE SPORTING BANTER

I like the sporting banter
Surrounding sporting Rivalry
But there is a fine line
Separating it from tribalry

GOLF MODE

A man got on the bus
And sat down next to Bimbette
He smiled warmly at her
And briefly their eyes met

Full of golf balls
His bulging front trouser pockets
Caught her attention
Her eyes almost left their sockets

He said "its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”
Then continued, "Does it hurt
As much as tennis elbow?"

The Love Selection # 7

THE FLAME WAS EXTINGUISHED

Guttering slowly to its end
The flame was extinguished
A fire once white hot
Headed toward extinction
As passions cool
In the diminishing heat
Of the sombre ashes
Red fades to grey
To leave despairingly
Loves dying embers
Its flame long extinguished

SALT ‘N’ PEPPER HEADED LADY FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the salt ‘n’ peppered lady fair
The woman with the greying hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With tresses of salt ‘n’ pepper hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOW VIVIDLY I RECALL

How vividly I recall
Seeing you standing there
Dressed in white silk
I still feel the despair
Watching the woman I love
Stood for all to see
Making her vows
To a man who wasn’t me
AFTER AN AFFAIR

After an affair
All too brief
Barely any more
Than an aperitif
She stole my heart
Like a common thief
To leave me
Alone in my grief

A Humourous Collection # 11

DESCENDING SCALE

The piano fell down
The mineshaft
And I know that
It sounds a bit daft

There was a cacophony
From the Bechstein-er
That eventually resulted
In A flat miner

FISCAL TRUTH

If you spend more than you earn
There’s no way to fudge it
You are stuck with your debts
If you can't manage to budge it

EGGS FOR EGGS

I like my eggs fried or poached
And scrambled are a treat
I rather enjoy an omelet
But boiled egg is hard to beat

LOCAL AMENITIES

I’ve just been to the shops
They didn’t impress me at all
But if you’ve seen one shopping centre
You’ve seen a mall

TROUBLESOME YOUTH

Police were called to the kindergarten
And the reason for the request
Was a troublesome three-year-old
Who was resisting a rest

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 2

Did you hear about the guy?
Who was guillotined and how
His whole left side was cut off
Obviously he's all right now

FAST TRACK

I had to run for the train
And I had my laptop with me
And now it doesn’t work
I must have jogged the memory

POLITICAL IDEOLOGY

In a democracy,
It’s your vote that counts;
Which seems perfectly fair
In feudalism,
It’s your Count that votes.
Did you see what I did there?

SNACK TIME

When he’s making clocks
And hunger beacons
The clock man will
Go back four seconds.

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 1

One of the guys fell into
The upholstery machine,
He was quickly discovered

And they knew what to do
To get him out the machine
Now he’s fully recovered