ANIMAL MAGIC

SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT

Will someone put the cat out?
Please don’t make me shout
To put the cat out is my one desire
So put it out because it’s on fire

IT’S THE DOGS….

A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and exposes his genitals
And oblivious to his audience the dog
Then lies on his back and licks them
Another man looks on in admiration
Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”
He then turns to the owner saying
“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”
The dogs owner looks at him smiling
“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”

IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN

A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and then licks his genitals
An offended customer, disgusted asks
“Why does your dog do that man?”
Then owner answers without hesitation
“That’s easy he does it because he can”

THE GIANT ATTRACTION

In captivity panda’s suffer
Great indignity
They’re sexual failures
On display for all to see

WHERE EAGLE’S DARE

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
Where he met a Tit called Tina
And there the Eagle had her
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Tina said, “I am a little Tit
And I’ve had a little bit
And I liked it”

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
And he met a Dove called Daisy
Where the Eagle had her easily
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Daisy Said, “I am a little dove
And I’ve had a little love
And I liked it”

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It’s journey wasn’t very harsh
And soon he reached a marsh
Where the met a Duck called Jo
And the Eagle had her just so
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the eagle had had his fun
Jo said, “I am a little Drake
And he made a big mistake
But I liked it”

FRUSTRATED FELINE

When your cat has just fallen asleep
Curled on your lap purring contentedly
And looking utterly adorable and sweet
You have to go to the bathroom suddenly

BEAR NECESSITIES

When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear

A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear

A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear

You can check if bears are in the area
By examining there droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear

However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray