We spent most of the day after the games night at Gary’s slobbing around the house in our night clothes and watching old films on TV.
After all the recent exertion’s associated with renting out Dorcas’s house prior to her moving in with me, so it was really nice to have such a lazy day.
However we paid for it over the coming week as the deadline for Dorcas vacating her house loomed large and we spent every spare moment moving her and her possessions from Finchbottom to Bushy Down.
And so began a new chapter in our lives when we would no longer be two lonely single dwellers living half-lives but one loving couple sharing a house and home.
The Monday after our first weekend of officially living together was a normal workday for me but Dorcas had managed to book off a couple of days off work so she could unpack the last of her things and make herself at home.
A lot of her making herself at home seemed to involve rearranging the cupboards and taking over the majority of the wardrobes.
But despite that she certainly seemed to have spent her time productively and the house was looking more homely than it had ever done.
And as I walked through the front door on my arrival home on Tuesday evening I was greeted by the smell of home cooking.
“Hi Hon” I called “Something smells nice”
Her head suddenly appeared from around the kitchen door and said
“It’s me”
I walked down the hall to meet her and gave her a kiss
“No its not you” I said “I can definitely smell something tasty”
“Cheek” Dorcas said and hit me with a wooden spoon
“Ow” I said “what’s cooking then?”
“Bacon and onion dumpling” she replied then continued in a very bad Italian accent “Justa lika mamma used to maka”
“And is yours as good as mamas?” I asked thinking that if it tasted half as good as it smelt I was in for a treat.
“Better” she replied “now go and finish setting the table”
I did as instructed and then opened a bottle of wine, I returned to the kitchen just in time to see the suet delight coming out of the oven and I’m sure that the oven sighed.
As I sat and ate the heaviest most indigestible dumpling I had ever experienced along with lumpy mash, anemic gravy and over cooked veg I thought to myself
“How bad a cook is her mother?”
I persevered and ate most of it and when she said
“Well?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth
“Lovely” I said
It’s a good job I wasn’t marrying her for her cooking.
Fortunately I could cook and I generally got home an hour before her so I would get the evening meal on the go so as to minimize the risk of having to eat her offerings.
It was about a fortnight after the night of the dumpling when we were summoned to the Fox-Martins for Sunday lunch which I had to say I was rather looking forward to.
Her father Edward was very easy company especially if you restricted the conversation to sport while Marcia thought the sun shone from my every orifice.
But the main thing I was looking forward to was a Roast dinner I wished I could have one every week.
How does the old saying go? Be careful what you wish for.
We were in the car on our way
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” she asked
“Of course” I said “I like your folks and I’m looking forward to a great Sunday lunch”
“Oh” Dorcas said doubtfully “Good”
We arrived just after two and we found Edward in the lounge watching football.
“Hi Dad” she said
“Hello baby girl” he replied and gave her a kiss, then he shook my hand.
“Ben dear boy” he said “sit down, they’ve just kicked off”
“I’ll just say hello to Marcia first” I said and Dorcas led the way.
The aromas emanating from the kitchen were mouthwatering.
“Mum?” Dorcas called
“I’m in here darling” a disembodied voice called back.
I followed Dorcas into the kitchen and kisses and hugs were exchanged between them and then Marcia turned her attention on me.
“It’s lovely to see you Ben” Marcia said “I’m glad you could come”
“It smells delicious” I said “I can’t wait”
“Oh” she said all flustered “that’s a really nice thing to say”
Then Dorcas kissed me and dispatched me to keep her father company.
Edward had a freshly poured beer sitting on the table waiting for me.
“Are there you are” he said without taking his eyes off the screen.
“It’s one nil to City, completely against the run of play”
Marcia called us to the table about half an hour later and we sat down at the table.
Edward poured the wine and Dorcas and Marcia carried the terrines in, then when we were all seated she lifted the cover off the meat platter to reveal the charred remains of what would once have been a very expensive joint of beef.
The vegetables and the gravy were a similar disappointment, the insipidness of the gravy was clearly a family tradition.
As Edward unceremoniously hacked his way through the charcoal he slowly revealed the undercooked redness at its core.
And as I struggled politely through the hideous meal I was left to ponder how two such beautiful women could be such ugly cooks.
So it was with a full stomach and a bad case of indigestion that we drove off from her parents place.
“Did you enjoy your Sunday roast then sweetie?” Dorcas asked
“Oh yes” I replied “it was ….”
“Horrible?” Dorcas interrupted
“No, no” I protested
“Yes, yes” she corrected me “Mums even more rubbish at cooking than I am”
“You’re not rubbish hon” I said
“I am, you could have beaten someone to death with that dumpling it was so heavy” Dorcas said and laughed
“Well maybe not to death, but certainly into a coma” I said and she punched me.
Tuesday 22 October 2013
Life With Dorcas (Part Seven) The Electronic Dice
Since I first met Dorcas, on that day when she almost ran me over, my life had been so different to the safe and comfortable existence I had known before.
I felt energized and fresh, which was just as well.
Because October had been an exceedingly busy month.
We spent evenings packing up Dorcas’s house in Finchbottom and slowly moving her stuff either into storage or into mine, I mean ours.
Then on the weekends there was decorating, gardening and car booting.
And all of the above had to be achieved while keeping busy in our respective jobs as we were saving our holidays for something else.
So it was with some relief that I received and accepted an invitation from my best friend Gary to attend a games night at his place on Saturday night.
We had been best mates since junior school, Gary, Stix, Evan, Clive and me, and our friendship endured.
It survived all the ups and downs of childhood and adolescence.
It survived sexual awakenings and the continual distraction of women thereafter.
It survived higher education, marriages, mortgages, divorces and redundancies.
Women had come and gone over the years but the friendship had survived.
Our friendship endured in spite of everything and part of that were Games Nights.
Games nights consisted of a takeaway followed by board games or cards, the food and game decided by consensus.
“You know what that means?” Dorcas asked
“Yes a weekend off” I replied
“I have to meet your best friends” she said gloomily
“I know” I replied “They’re all dying to meet you”
Then I continued
“And the other halves are anxious to meet the girl who has won my heart”
“Oh Great” Dorcas said despondently
I failed to pick up on her lack of enthusiasm but as we got closer to the night Dorcas seemed to be getting more and more withdrawn.
On Saturday morning we lay under the duvet cuddling she was very quiet which wasn’t like her at all.
I was a bit worried about her as she seemed a bit down.
“What’s wrong sweetheart?” I said
“Nothing” she replied
“Well I know that’s not true” I persisted “So what’s wrong?”
“I’m scared” Dorcas admitted
I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly, she was such a confident gregarious girl, and being scared didn’t fit her at all.
“Scared?” I asked
“Yes” she responded and rolled over and hugged me, burying her face in my neck and then she started crying.
“What are you scared about?” asked
“Meeting your friends” she sobbed “Your best friends”
It seemed she was really worried about making a good impression in front of my oldest and best friends.
“They are going to love you just like I do” I assured her
“Really?” Dorcas asked
“Well not quite like I do obviously” I said and she lifted her face from my neck and smiled.
I did feel for Dorcas when I took the time to think of what I was putting her through, it was a daunting prospect meeting my friends.
I didn’t have to go through that with her best friend as that was my sister Helen.
So we spent the next hour cuddling up under the duvet as I went through my friends and their respective partners one by one and the best ways to make a good impression on them.
My mate Gary was something of a figure of fun within our group, a fact to which he seemed completely oblivious.
We had known him since school and we had always teased him.
He was the type of kid who had a new hobby every week and this habit followed him into adulthood.
He also thought himself a whizz at DIY and he fancied himself as a bit of an engineer. But the one thing he could do without fail which endeared him to us was that he could take a joke.
His wife Elaine did not have a sense of humour, at all and she was the vainest woman walking God’s green earth and the only thing that she loved as much as her own looks was for someone else to compliment her on them.
“Stix” so named because his surname was Littlewood fancied himself as a bit of a ladies man and liked to flirt, Kylie his second wife knew he was all sausage and no sizzle so quite enjoyed watching him flirt before he crashed and burned.
Evan Thomas and his childhood sweetheart Cerys were foodies so if you got them chatting on the subject of food you were in.
Clive White and his third or fourth partner Tina were ultra-competitive so if they won whatever the game might be they were happy.
After I had finished putting flesh on the bones of those expected to be present she seemed more at ease.
“I love you Ben” she said
“That’s handy” I replied “because I love you too”
Dorcas smiled and kissed me tenderly and we made love.
I thought as Dorcas was nervous about meeting everyone, rather than arriving to a houseful and totally overwhelming her I would take her over to Gary’s early so I could introduce her to the hosts before anyone else arrived and that way she just had to meet one couple at a time.
So when we got there we stood on the porch and I gave her a kiss for good luck before I rang the doorbell.
Gary opened the door.
“Blimey” he said
“You’ll never believe it Elaine” he called over his shoulder “it’s Ben and…”
“Dorcas” I said
“… Dorcas” Gary continued
“Are we too early” I asked
“No not at all” he replied “Lovely to meet you Dorcas, come in, come in”
“Thanks Gary, like wise” she said and squeezed my hand.
As we walked into the lounge he said to Dorcas
“You’re obviously a good influence on him, Ben’s never the first to arrive”
Then he introduced her to his sour faced wife Elaine.
“Dorcas?” she said “that’s a strange name”
“It’s biblical” I answered “nice isn’t it?”
“Hmmm” was her only response
I gave her hand another gentle squeeze and Dorcas said
“I love your dress, I wish I could afford designer label”
Elaine’s expression softened immediately and a hint of a smile could be detected when she continued
“And your hair’s a fabulous shade of red”
“Two down, six to go” I thought to myself
Stix and Kylie were the first to arrive after us and with Dorcas being gorgeous and Stix being a letch he took to her straight away.
There was a moment’s frostiness from Kylie but as soon as Dorcas gave her a wink and she realized Stix was being played she quickly warmed.
By the time Evan and Cerys arrived the gregarious confident Dorcas was there to greet them and within five minutes they were deep in conversation about a new Mongolian restaurant in Kiddingstone, so much so that she almost missed my introducing her to Clive and Tina.
Dorcas continued discussing cuisine with Evan and Cerys while we devoured a rather mediocre Indian.
The games element of the evening began with cards and due to some creative cheating by Dorcas, a skill I hadn’t previously experienced from her, Clive and Tina were the resounding victors.
Deftly played by my wife to be.
We went on to play Trial Pursuit next which was when Gary chose to reveal his latest fad.
As I said earlier he fancied himself as a bit of an engineer and with the help of the Internet and RS Component’s he managed to fashion his latest pride and joy.
“It’s an electronic Dice” Gary said proudly
It was brown in colour, made of plastic, about three inches long and two inches wide and the same in depth.
With two buttons and an Led display on the upper side.
“Wow” everyone said with varying degrees of sarcasm except for Dorcas who said.
“That’s really interesting, how does it work”
“Well” said Gary thrilled that someone appreciated his efforts
“You press this first button and the numbers start randomising”
“Oh yes, I see” said Dorcas
“Then you press the second button and it displays your throw” he continued
“Wow that’s so clever” she said still enthusing
“And you made that?”
“Yes” he replied proudly “I did”
“Can I have a go?” she asked
“Absolutely” Gary said and handed it to her
“So I press this button first” Dorcas said
“Yes” Gary replied
“Then this one?” She said
“Yes” he said again
“And that’s my throw” she said just before she shook it in her hands and rolled it across the table.
Gary’s jaw dropped and the room erupted with laughter and Dorcas said to Gary.
“Got you” and he roared with laughter
In truth at that moment she had them all in the palm of her hand.
She held my hand under the table and squeezed it firmly and as she turned and gave me a smile I fell in love with her all over again.
I felt energized and fresh, which was just as well.
Because October had been an exceedingly busy month.
We spent evenings packing up Dorcas’s house in Finchbottom and slowly moving her stuff either into storage or into mine, I mean ours.
Then on the weekends there was decorating, gardening and car booting.
And all of the above had to be achieved while keeping busy in our respective jobs as we were saving our holidays for something else.
So it was with some relief that I received and accepted an invitation from my best friend Gary to attend a games night at his place on Saturday night.
We had been best mates since junior school, Gary, Stix, Evan, Clive and me, and our friendship endured.
It survived all the ups and downs of childhood and adolescence.
It survived sexual awakenings and the continual distraction of women thereafter.
It survived higher education, marriages, mortgages, divorces and redundancies.
Women had come and gone over the years but the friendship had survived.
Our friendship endured in spite of everything and part of that were Games Nights.
Games nights consisted of a takeaway followed by board games or cards, the food and game decided by consensus.
“You know what that means?” Dorcas asked
“Yes a weekend off” I replied
“I have to meet your best friends” she said gloomily
“I know” I replied “They’re all dying to meet you”
Then I continued
“And the other halves are anxious to meet the girl who has won my heart”
“Oh Great” Dorcas said despondently
I failed to pick up on her lack of enthusiasm but as we got closer to the night Dorcas seemed to be getting more and more withdrawn.
On Saturday morning we lay under the duvet cuddling she was very quiet which wasn’t like her at all.
I was a bit worried about her as she seemed a bit down.
“What’s wrong sweetheart?” I said
“Nothing” she replied
“Well I know that’s not true” I persisted “So what’s wrong?”
“I’m scared” Dorcas admitted
I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly, she was such a confident gregarious girl, and being scared didn’t fit her at all.
“Scared?” I asked
“Yes” she responded and rolled over and hugged me, burying her face in my neck and then she started crying.
“What are you scared about?” asked
“Meeting your friends” she sobbed “Your best friends”
It seemed she was really worried about making a good impression in front of my oldest and best friends.
“They are going to love you just like I do” I assured her
“Really?” Dorcas asked
“Well not quite like I do obviously” I said and she lifted her face from my neck and smiled.
I did feel for Dorcas when I took the time to think of what I was putting her through, it was a daunting prospect meeting my friends.
I didn’t have to go through that with her best friend as that was my sister Helen.
So we spent the next hour cuddling up under the duvet as I went through my friends and their respective partners one by one and the best ways to make a good impression on them.
My mate Gary was something of a figure of fun within our group, a fact to which he seemed completely oblivious.
We had known him since school and we had always teased him.
He was the type of kid who had a new hobby every week and this habit followed him into adulthood.
He also thought himself a whizz at DIY and he fancied himself as a bit of an engineer. But the one thing he could do without fail which endeared him to us was that he could take a joke.
His wife Elaine did not have a sense of humour, at all and she was the vainest woman walking God’s green earth and the only thing that she loved as much as her own looks was for someone else to compliment her on them.
“Stix” so named because his surname was Littlewood fancied himself as a bit of a ladies man and liked to flirt, Kylie his second wife knew he was all sausage and no sizzle so quite enjoyed watching him flirt before he crashed and burned.
Evan Thomas and his childhood sweetheart Cerys were foodies so if you got them chatting on the subject of food you were in.
Clive White and his third or fourth partner Tina were ultra-competitive so if they won whatever the game might be they were happy.
After I had finished putting flesh on the bones of those expected to be present she seemed more at ease.
“I love you Ben” she said
“That’s handy” I replied “because I love you too”
Dorcas smiled and kissed me tenderly and we made love.
I thought as Dorcas was nervous about meeting everyone, rather than arriving to a houseful and totally overwhelming her I would take her over to Gary’s early so I could introduce her to the hosts before anyone else arrived and that way she just had to meet one couple at a time.
So when we got there we stood on the porch and I gave her a kiss for good luck before I rang the doorbell.
Gary opened the door.
“Blimey” he said
“You’ll never believe it Elaine” he called over his shoulder “it’s Ben and…”
“Dorcas” I said
“… Dorcas” Gary continued
“Are we too early” I asked
“No not at all” he replied “Lovely to meet you Dorcas, come in, come in”
“Thanks Gary, like wise” she said and squeezed my hand.
As we walked into the lounge he said to Dorcas
“You’re obviously a good influence on him, Ben’s never the first to arrive”
Then he introduced her to his sour faced wife Elaine.
“Dorcas?” she said “that’s a strange name”
“It’s biblical” I answered “nice isn’t it?”
“Hmmm” was her only response
I gave her hand another gentle squeeze and Dorcas said
“I love your dress, I wish I could afford designer label”
Elaine’s expression softened immediately and a hint of a smile could be detected when she continued
“And your hair’s a fabulous shade of red”
“Two down, six to go” I thought to myself
Stix and Kylie were the first to arrive after us and with Dorcas being gorgeous and Stix being a letch he took to her straight away.
There was a moment’s frostiness from Kylie but as soon as Dorcas gave her a wink and she realized Stix was being played she quickly warmed.
By the time Evan and Cerys arrived the gregarious confident Dorcas was there to greet them and within five minutes they were deep in conversation about a new Mongolian restaurant in Kiddingstone, so much so that she almost missed my introducing her to Clive and Tina.
Dorcas continued discussing cuisine with Evan and Cerys while we devoured a rather mediocre Indian.
The games element of the evening began with cards and due to some creative cheating by Dorcas, a skill I hadn’t previously experienced from her, Clive and Tina were the resounding victors.
Deftly played by my wife to be.
We went on to play Trial Pursuit next which was when Gary chose to reveal his latest fad.
As I said earlier he fancied himself as a bit of an engineer and with the help of the Internet and RS Component’s he managed to fashion his latest pride and joy.
“It’s an electronic Dice” Gary said proudly
It was brown in colour, made of plastic, about three inches long and two inches wide and the same in depth.
With two buttons and an Led display on the upper side.
“Wow” everyone said with varying degrees of sarcasm except for Dorcas who said.
“That’s really interesting, how does it work”
“Well” said Gary thrilled that someone appreciated his efforts
“You press this first button and the numbers start randomising”
“Oh yes, I see” said Dorcas
“Then you press the second button and it displays your throw” he continued
“Wow that’s so clever” she said still enthusing
“And you made that?”
“Yes” he replied proudly “I did”
“Can I have a go?” she asked
“Absolutely” Gary said and handed it to her
“So I press this button first” Dorcas said
“Yes” Gary replied
“Then this one?” She said
“Yes” he said again
“And that’s my throw” she said just before she shook it in her hands and rolled it across the table.
Gary’s jaw dropped and the room erupted with laughter and Dorcas said to Gary.
“Got you” and he roared with laughter
In truth at that moment she had them all in the palm of her hand.
She held my hand under the table and squeezed it firmly and as she turned and gave me a smile I fell in love with her all over again.
Life With Dorcas (Part Six) The Case Of The Disappearing Lingerie
In the weeks following the family gathering in Cambridge, to mark Uncle Herbert’s 60th Birthday, my mother was still in shock.
The news of my proposal and subsequent engagement to Dorcas had taken her completely by surprise.
She had apparently come to terms with the fact I would end my days as a bachelor and even though it had been confirmed and verified to be a “genuine engagement” she was still skeptical.
I have to admit there were moments when I didn’t believe it myself.
But we were engaged and everyone seemed to be as pleased about it as we were.
Though my mother was a confirmed skeptic on the subject, plans had already begun in earnest with both sets of parents jockeying for position even though a date hadn’t even been set yet.
Dorcas and I left them to get on with it for the most part as we had plans of our own to finalize, we would rein them in later when we were clear what we wanted.
We never thought at the time that we might live to regret our attitude of laissez-faire in this regard.
But there were more immediate things to occupy our attention, because although we hadn’t yet set a date for the wedding we had set another significant date on the calendar which was fast coming up on the horizon.
Dorcas was moving in with me.
By the time October came around she was already staying over at mind for three days a week so it seemed silly not to go the whole hog.
My place was bigger than hers so it made more sense for her to move in with me rather than the other way around.
We were going spend October packing up her place in Finchbottom so it was ready for renting from the 1st of November when she would move in with me, with as much of her possession as would fit.
When I asked her why she wasn’t selling her house, she said
“I want to keep it just in case”
“In case of what?” I asked
“In case you turn out to be a swine” she replied
Bloody cheek
As I said she had been spending a lot of time at mine and for the most part things went without a hitch but it wasn’t all plain sailing, there was one bone of contention.
That is apart from the age old chestnut, the toilet seat, what is it with women and their obsession with toilet seats.
Anyway I digress, my particular bone of contention was namely articles of underwear, that were particularly delightful when she was inside them but were very annoying when she was not.
They lost their allure somewhat when they were left hanging from the shower rail or draped over radiators.
When she wasn’t looking I would gather them up, in ones and twos, and put the wet ones in the airing cupboard or the dry ones in a drawer in the bedroom.
Dorcas didn’t seem to notice or if she did she didn’t say anything.
That is until the beginning of October when she enquired
“Have you seen my green knickers?”
“No hon, not since you were in them” I replied
“Are you sure?” she quizzed “I know what you’re like with your tidying”
She had noticed then.
“Definitely not honey” I answered
“I don’t understand it I’ve found the bra upstairs so I know they’re here somewhere but I can’t find the pants anywhere”
“They’ll turn up” I suggested
“That’s not very helpful” she replied
“There are some blue ones in the airing cupboard” I said helpfully
“I can’t wear blue pants with a green bra” she said crossly
“Honestly, what kind of a girl do you think I am?”
Over the next few weeks her green panties didn’t turn up and it transpired they weren’t the only items to disappear.
She went on to lose an assortment of knickers, three odd socks and a pair of tights.
Even my lucky pants did a disappearing act.
I had never experienced any loss of laundry all the time I had lived there so I was at a loss to explain the disappearance’s and could offer nothing but my stock answer of
“They’ll turn up”
Dorcas was unconvinced, as was I, and I’m sure she was beginning to think I was some kind of fetishist who had a secret stash of her knickers.
However any such suspicion’s she might have harbored would have been readily dispelled by a visit from my next door neighbour.
It was on Sunday morning, we had just returned home from church, when there was a knock on the front door.
When I opened it I was faced with a very shamefaced and embarrassed character holding a carrier bag out in front of him.
It was my long time neighbour John Elliot, a normally gregarious chap who on this occasion was stooped over like he had the whole world on his shoulders and was staring at his shoes.
“I think these might be yours” he said quietly thrusting the carrier bag in my direction.
“What is it?” I asked and took the bag
“Open it” He said shuffling his feet nervously
I did as he instructed and opened the bag and found inside sundry items of underwear.
“You’d better come in” I said
I had known John and his wife Carole for several years and we had always gotten on very well.
When I first knew them they had two cats, Madeline and Emily who were sisters, and they had them for several years but after Emily was killed on the road in the village Madeline ran away.
They were both huge cat lovers so they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue center.
Well what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was a very sweet looking cat that unfortunately suffered with psychological problems.
It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.
While the humans of the village were all at work Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion namely stealing from the neighbours.
She stole knickers, pants, socks, tights, handkerchiefs and the occasional bra as well as bibs and booties.
The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines, wash baskets and clothes airer’s though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items, nothing soiled or un-fresh.
We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.
The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing his spare room prior to decorating when he discovered a nest of other people’s underwear.
This could have been more awkward than it already was and John might well have had some explaining to do it Carole had found the pantie collection before he did.
When John told her of the stash he had found Carole thought it was very funny, she did however after sorting the not inconsiderable collection into bags for the prospective owners, dispatch him to return the items.
“I have never been so embarrassed” John said
“How many houses have you had to go to?” Dorcas asked
“You’re number 10” he said
“You poor thing” Dorcas said sympathetically the she looked at me and we both burst out laughing.
When we had regained control of ourselves he continued
“Luckily Tabitha’s is scared of her own shadow so she never strays more than a few houses either side of us, so it narrowed down the field”
After he had gone I looked at the contents of the bag
“You see I said they would turn up” I said
“Pah” Dorcas said unimpressed
“Still you’ve got to hand it to Carole she was spot on with her sorting”
I said
“And look even my lucky pants are here”
“Oh, it’s a shame they came back I threw them out once” she said
“You threw them out?” I asked
“Yes I did” she replied
“But they’re my favourite’s” I said indignantly
Dorcas chuckled and from the doorway she said
“Well you can either stay down here with your lucky pants or you can come upstairs and get lucky in mine” and she went out the room.
About thirty seconds later I got up and followed her, pausing briefly by the kitchen bin to dispose of my former lucky pants.
The news of my proposal and subsequent engagement to Dorcas had taken her completely by surprise.
She had apparently come to terms with the fact I would end my days as a bachelor and even though it had been confirmed and verified to be a “genuine engagement” she was still skeptical.
I have to admit there were moments when I didn’t believe it myself.
But we were engaged and everyone seemed to be as pleased about it as we were.
Though my mother was a confirmed skeptic on the subject, plans had already begun in earnest with both sets of parents jockeying for position even though a date hadn’t even been set yet.
Dorcas and I left them to get on with it for the most part as we had plans of our own to finalize, we would rein them in later when we were clear what we wanted.
We never thought at the time that we might live to regret our attitude of laissez-faire in this regard.
But there were more immediate things to occupy our attention, because although we hadn’t yet set a date for the wedding we had set another significant date on the calendar which was fast coming up on the horizon.
Dorcas was moving in with me.
By the time October came around she was already staying over at mind for three days a week so it seemed silly not to go the whole hog.
My place was bigger than hers so it made more sense for her to move in with me rather than the other way around.
We were going spend October packing up her place in Finchbottom so it was ready for renting from the 1st of November when she would move in with me, with as much of her possession as would fit.
When I asked her why she wasn’t selling her house, she said
“I want to keep it just in case”
“In case of what?” I asked
“In case you turn out to be a swine” she replied
Bloody cheek
As I said she had been spending a lot of time at mine and for the most part things went without a hitch but it wasn’t all plain sailing, there was one bone of contention.
That is apart from the age old chestnut, the toilet seat, what is it with women and their obsession with toilet seats.
Anyway I digress, my particular bone of contention was namely articles of underwear, that were particularly delightful when she was inside them but were very annoying when she was not.
They lost their allure somewhat when they were left hanging from the shower rail or draped over radiators.
When she wasn’t looking I would gather them up, in ones and twos, and put the wet ones in the airing cupboard or the dry ones in a drawer in the bedroom.
Dorcas didn’t seem to notice or if she did she didn’t say anything.
That is until the beginning of October when she enquired
“Have you seen my green knickers?”
“No hon, not since you were in them” I replied
“Are you sure?” she quizzed “I know what you’re like with your tidying”
She had noticed then.
“Definitely not honey” I answered
“I don’t understand it I’ve found the bra upstairs so I know they’re here somewhere but I can’t find the pants anywhere”
“They’ll turn up” I suggested
“That’s not very helpful” she replied
“There are some blue ones in the airing cupboard” I said helpfully
“I can’t wear blue pants with a green bra” she said crossly
“Honestly, what kind of a girl do you think I am?”
Over the next few weeks her green panties didn’t turn up and it transpired they weren’t the only items to disappear.
She went on to lose an assortment of knickers, three odd socks and a pair of tights.
Even my lucky pants did a disappearing act.
I had never experienced any loss of laundry all the time I had lived there so I was at a loss to explain the disappearance’s and could offer nothing but my stock answer of
“They’ll turn up”
Dorcas was unconvinced, as was I, and I’m sure she was beginning to think I was some kind of fetishist who had a secret stash of her knickers.
However any such suspicion’s she might have harbored would have been readily dispelled by a visit from my next door neighbour.
It was on Sunday morning, we had just returned home from church, when there was a knock on the front door.
When I opened it I was faced with a very shamefaced and embarrassed character holding a carrier bag out in front of him.
It was my long time neighbour John Elliot, a normally gregarious chap who on this occasion was stooped over like he had the whole world on his shoulders and was staring at his shoes.
“I think these might be yours” he said quietly thrusting the carrier bag in my direction.
“What is it?” I asked and took the bag
“Open it” He said shuffling his feet nervously
I did as he instructed and opened the bag and found inside sundry items of underwear.
“You’d better come in” I said
I had known John and his wife Carole for several years and we had always gotten on very well.
When I first knew them they had two cats, Madeline and Emily who were sisters, and they had them for several years but after Emily was killed on the road in the village Madeline ran away.
They were both huge cat lovers so they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue center.
Well what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was a very sweet looking cat that unfortunately suffered with psychological problems.
It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.
While the humans of the village were all at work Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion namely stealing from the neighbours.
She stole knickers, pants, socks, tights, handkerchiefs and the occasional bra as well as bibs and booties.
The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines, wash baskets and clothes airer’s though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items, nothing soiled or un-fresh.
We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.
The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing his spare room prior to decorating when he discovered a nest of other people’s underwear.
This could have been more awkward than it already was and John might well have had some explaining to do it Carole had found the pantie collection before he did.
When John told her of the stash he had found Carole thought it was very funny, she did however after sorting the not inconsiderable collection into bags for the prospective owners, dispatch him to return the items.
“I have never been so embarrassed” John said
“How many houses have you had to go to?” Dorcas asked
“You’re number 10” he said
“You poor thing” Dorcas said sympathetically the she looked at me and we both burst out laughing.
When we had regained control of ourselves he continued
“Luckily Tabitha’s is scared of her own shadow so she never strays more than a few houses either side of us, so it narrowed down the field”
After he had gone I looked at the contents of the bag
“You see I said they would turn up” I said
“Pah” Dorcas said unimpressed
“Still you’ve got to hand it to Carole she was spot on with her sorting”
I said
“And look even my lucky pants are here”
“Oh, it’s a shame they came back I threw them out once” she said
“You threw them out?” I asked
“Yes I did” she replied
“But they’re my favourite’s” I said indignantly
Dorcas chuckled and from the doorway she said
“Well you can either stay down here with your lucky pants or you can come upstairs and get lucky in mine” and she went out the room.
About thirty seconds later I got up and followed her, pausing briefly by the kitchen bin to dispose of my former lucky pants.
Life With Dorcas (Part Five) Indecent Proposal
After the family Overton had done battle on the Cam we squelched our way back along the river bank to Chez Cush in high spirits.
As we got closer to the house we could hear a happy chatter and the sound of glasses chinking.
We walked around the side of the house towards the terrace and found the family gathered.
“Oh goodness you’re all wet” Mum said “You’re worse than you were when you were children”
“Aha the motley crew return” Uncle Herbert said jovially “Who won the Battle of the Cam?”
“I did” Said Helen triumphantly as she squelched onto the terrace.
“So why are you dripping wet?” asked a bemused Uncle Edgar
“They threw me in river” said Helen indignantly “because they’re mean”
This information was received with raucous laughter and not with the wave of sympathy she had been expecting so she flounced off to get changed.
The rest of us decided to have a drink on the terrace first.
During our absence a large white marquee had appeared on the lawn on the west side of the house in preparation of Uncle Herbert’s 60th Birthday party the next day.
Over the next hour everyone slowly drifted off in their ones and twos to get ready for the evening meal until there was only Dorcas and I left and we spent a romantic hour cuddling in the hammock watching the sun go down.
“This is nice” I said
“This is perfect” Dorcas corrected me
I was up early on Saturday morning, as was Mum, there was only the two of us, everyone else was sleeping in after severe over indulgence at dinner the night before.
We sat in the conservatory having breakfast and watched a procession of vans arrive on the drive and disgorge their various cargo into waiting hands who transported them to the marquee or its environs.
“What do you think of Dorcas?” I said suddenly although Mum had known her longer than I had as she had been at school with Helen.
“She’s very nice dear” she replied as she stood up
“Of course she’s far too pretty for you to keep” she continued and left the room before I could respond.
“She’s far too pretty for me to keep” What on earth did she mean by that?
I spent the rest of Saturday morning wondering what she meant by her remark.
Did she mean Dorcas was too pretty for me? Not good enough for me? Or too good for me?
Anyway the conclusion I reached was that I loved Dorcas Fox-Martin and I was going to keep her, end of story.
At two o’clock people started to arrive and the party slowly got going with the garden quickly filling with familiar faces.
I was appointed one of the “meeters and greeters” which was a great opportunity to introduce Dorcas to all and sundry.
After about an hour she went off to babysit Connor so Helen was free to mingle and I had a chance to catch up with old family friends and acquaintances but as a result I hardly saw Dorcas all afternoon and I really felt her absence.
As the evening gave way to dusk all but the hardiest of us had moved into the marquee where shortly before the band started their set my kid brother Danny said he had an announcement to make and a murmur spread around the room in anticipation.
“I would just like to make a short but significant announcement”
Now I was reasonably sure it was not a marriage declaration as I knew Danny’s position on marriage very well indeed.
He loved Siti with all his heart but he would never marry her because he thought marriage was a nonsense.
I had no opinion on marriage myself as I never thought the opportunity would ever arise.
Although Danny was anti marriage I suspected he might change his mind if given sufficient incentive to do so, namely if there was a chance he might lose Siti.
So when the announcement was imminent I was certain sure it wasn’t marriage but wasn’t prepared at all for what he did say as he stood holding Siti’s hand.
“We are having a baby” he said excitedly and the tent erupted in cheers and then my Mum cried.
About an hour later I was on my way back from the bar when I walked behind my Mums table out of her line of sight.
“You must be very proud Eleanor” Aunt Alexandra said
“Yes all my children are married or settled down” She Replied “apart from Ben of course”
At that remark I stopped in my tracks.
“But he has a pretty little girlfriend” Alexandra corrected her.
“I know and she’s lovely” Mum said “but he’ll never keep hold of her she way out of his league”
There was a brief pause and then she continued
“He really needs to find himself a horsey type, not a pretty little brunette”
Well they say eaves droppers never hear anything good about themselves well that would teach me.
As I continued on my journey I was feeling absolutely gob smacked.
I approached our table and Helen slurred loudly
“Then they threw me in the river”
Everyone laughed, but I rather uncharitably thought “for god’s sake let it go”
I sat next to Dorcas who gave me a smile as I sat down, I smiled back but inside I wasn’t smiling.
It was only when we were on the dance floor smooching along to 10cc’s “I’m not in love” that I felt at peace and I thought to myself “oh yes I am”
It was the next morning when I was getting ready for church that I made the decision.
I had woken up that morning having had an epiphany.
I quickly finished getting dressed and rushed downstairs and into the kitchen.
“Where’s Dorcas?” I asked abruptly
“And good morning to you” Abi said sitting at the table still wearing her dressing gown.
“Have you seen her or not?” I asked
“She’s in the shower” she snapped
“Thanks” I said and turned on my heels and left
“And I’m next” she shouted after me
I went upstairs to the guest bathroom and pressed my ear against the door.
I could hear the sound of the shower running and tuneless singing.
So having detected it was Dorcas and not my mother I knocked on the door.
“I’ll be out in a minute” she called
“I need to talk to you” I called back
“I’ll be out in a minute hon” she said
The door was locked but it was an old house with a lot of the original fittings, including the door latch on the inside of the bathroom door.
I couldn’t wait a minute, what I had to say to her was urgent so as Dorcas wouldn’t let me in I had to let myself in.
So I used my credit card, sliding it between the frame and the door and lifting the latch.
I pushed open the door which squeaked as it opened.
“Who’s that?” she called in alarm
“It’s only me” I answered
Dorcas was just stepping out of the shower and hastily covered herself with a towel.
Although in the two months we had been seeing each other we had, to put it as delicately as possible, been intimate we were not at that stage of intimacy that allowed naked converse.
“Get out I’m not decent” she shouted
“I have something important to say” I insisted
“Can’t it wait?” she asked
“No it can’t” I said
“Well you can’t just barge into the bathroom when someone else’s is in there” Dorcas said crossly
“It’s not decent we’re not some old married couple you know”
“That’s just the point” I said
“What is?” she said still cross
“I want us to be” I explained
“You want us to be what?” she said with a puzzled expression
“Married” I said quietly “I want to marry you”
Dorcas just stood there looking at me with a vacant look on her face.
“Well what do you think?” I asked
“I think you should come over here and kiss me” Dorcas replied
“Is that really decent?” I queried
“It is now we’re engaged” she answered and we kissed
We decide not to tell my Mum until after church as we thought her head might explode.
We did tell Danny though but only as he happened to be passing the bathroom as we came out but we swore him to silence until lunchtime.
“I’d better be your best man” he said
“But you don’t believe in marriage” I replied
“That’s not the point” he said
As we got closer to the house we could hear a happy chatter and the sound of glasses chinking.
We walked around the side of the house towards the terrace and found the family gathered.
“Oh goodness you’re all wet” Mum said “You’re worse than you were when you were children”
“Aha the motley crew return” Uncle Herbert said jovially “Who won the Battle of the Cam?”
“I did” Said Helen triumphantly as she squelched onto the terrace.
“So why are you dripping wet?” asked a bemused Uncle Edgar
“They threw me in river” said Helen indignantly “because they’re mean”
This information was received with raucous laughter and not with the wave of sympathy she had been expecting so she flounced off to get changed.
The rest of us decided to have a drink on the terrace first.
During our absence a large white marquee had appeared on the lawn on the west side of the house in preparation of Uncle Herbert’s 60th Birthday party the next day.
Over the next hour everyone slowly drifted off in their ones and twos to get ready for the evening meal until there was only Dorcas and I left and we spent a romantic hour cuddling in the hammock watching the sun go down.
“This is nice” I said
“This is perfect” Dorcas corrected me
I was up early on Saturday morning, as was Mum, there was only the two of us, everyone else was sleeping in after severe over indulgence at dinner the night before.
We sat in the conservatory having breakfast and watched a procession of vans arrive on the drive and disgorge their various cargo into waiting hands who transported them to the marquee or its environs.
“What do you think of Dorcas?” I said suddenly although Mum had known her longer than I had as she had been at school with Helen.
“She’s very nice dear” she replied as she stood up
“Of course she’s far too pretty for you to keep” she continued and left the room before I could respond.
“She’s far too pretty for me to keep” What on earth did she mean by that?
I spent the rest of Saturday morning wondering what she meant by her remark.
Did she mean Dorcas was too pretty for me? Not good enough for me? Or too good for me?
Anyway the conclusion I reached was that I loved Dorcas Fox-Martin and I was going to keep her, end of story.
At two o’clock people started to arrive and the party slowly got going with the garden quickly filling with familiar faces.
I was appointed one of the “meeters and greeters” which was a great opportunity to introduce Dorcas to all and sundry.
After about an hour she went off to babysit Connor so Helen was free to mingle and I had a chance to catch up with old family friends and acquaintances but as a result I hardly saw Dorcas all afternoon and I really felt her absence.
As the evening gave way to dusk all but the hardiest of us had moved into the marquee where shortly before the band started their set my kid brother Danny said he had an announcement to make and a murmur spread around the room in anticipation.
“I would just like to make a short but significant announcement”
Now I was reasonably sure it was not a marriage declaration as I knew Danny’s position on marriage very well indeed.
He loved Siti with all his heart but he would never marry her because he thought marriage was a nonsense.
I had no opinion on marriage myself as I never thought the opportunity would ever arise.
Although Danny was anti marriage I suspected he might change his mind if given sufficient incentive to do so, namely if there was a chance he might lose Siti.
So when the announcement was imminent I was certain sure it wasn’t marriage but wasn’t prepared at all for what he did say as he stood holding Siti’s hand.
“We are having a baby” he said excitedly and the tent erupted in cheers and then my Mum cried.
About an hour later I was on my way back from the bar when I walked behind my Mums table out of her line of sight.
“You must be very proud Eleanor” Aunt Alexandra said
“Yes all my children are married or settled down” She Replied “apart from Ben of course”
At that remark I stopped in my tracks.
“But he has a pretty little girlfriend” Alexandra corrected her.
“I know and she’s lovely” Mum said “but he’ll never keep hold of her she way out of his league”
There was a brief pause and then she continued
“He really needs to find himself a horsey type, not a pretty little brunette”
Well they say eaves droppers never hear anything good about themselves well that would teach me.
As I continued on my journey I was feeling absolutely gob smacked.
I approached our table and Helen slurred loudly
“Then they threw me in the river”
Everyone laughed, but I rather uncharitably thought “for god’s sake let it go”
I sat next to Dorcas who gave me a smile as I sat down, I smiled back but inside I wasn’t smiling.
It was only when we were on the dance floor smooching along to 10cc’s “I’m not in love” that I felt at peace and I thought to myself “oh yes I am”
It was the next morning when I was getting ready for church that I made the decision.
I had woken up that morning having had an epiphany.
I quickly finished getting dressed and rushed downstairs and into the kitchen.
“Where’s Dorcas?” I asked abruptly
“And good morning to you” Abi said sitting at the table still wearing her dressing gown.
“Have you seen her or not?” I asked
“She’s in the shower” she snapped
“Thanks” I said and turned on my heels and left
“And I’m next” she shouted after me
I went upstairs to the guest bathroom and pressed my ear against the door.
I could hear the sound of the shower running and tuneless singing.
So having detected it was Dorcas and not my mother I knocked on the door.
“I’ll be out in a minute” she called
“I need to talk to you” I called back
“I’ll be out in a minute hon” she said
The door was locked but it was an old house with a lot of the original fittings, including the door latch on the inside of the bathroom door.
I couldn’t wait a minute, what I had to say to her was urgent so as Dorcas wouldn’t let me in I had to let myself in.
So I used my credit card, sliding it between the frame and the door and lifting the latch.
I pushed open the door which squeaked as it opened.
“Who’s that?” she called in alarm
“It’s only me” I answered
Dorcas was just stepping out of the shower and hastily covered herself with a towel.
Although in the two months we had been seeing each other we had, to put it as delicately as possible, been intimate we were not at that stage of intimacy that allowed naked converse.
“Get out I’m not decent” she shouted
“I have something important to say” I insisted
“Can’t it wait?” she asked
“No it can’t” I said
“Well you can’t just barge into the bathroom when someone else’s is in there” Dorcas said crossly
“It’s not decent we’re not some old married couple you know”
“That’s just the point” I said
“What is?” she said still cross
“I want us to be” I explained
“You want us to be what?” she said with a puzzled expression
“Married” I said quietly “I want to marry you”
Dorcas just stood there looking at me with a vacant look on her face.
“Well what do you think?” I asked
“I think you should come over here and kiss me” Dorcas replied
“Is that really decent?” I queried
“It is now we’re engaged” she answered and we kissed
We decide not to tell my Mum until after church as we thought her head might explode.
We did tell Danny though but only as he happened to be passing the bathroom as we came out but we swore him to silence until lunchtime.
“I’d better be your best man” he said
“But you don’t believe in marriage” I replied
“That’s not the point” he said
Life With Dorcas (Part Four) Punting On The Cam
Since our unusual first date back in June on the Tree Top Trail, Dorcas and I had spent a lot of time together on the full range of more conventional dates, country walks, museums, galleries, pubs, restaurant’s, cinemas and bowling alleys.
Over which time we had gotten to know each other and I discovered that quite apart from being gorgeous, which was plain to everyone, she was witty, intelligent, sensitive, loving and a totally rubbish bowler.
At the beginning of August one bright Friday morning we were driving up the M11 on our way to Cambridge to celebrate my Uncle Herbert’s 60th birthday.
By which time Dorcas and I were well and truly a couple.
It was to be a full on family weekend, which is something we do rather well I don’t mind saying but this was the rarest of occasions when absolutely everyone would be in attendance.
Apart from the birthday boy Herbert and his wife Alexandra, there was his elder brother Edgar, my eldest sister Abi and her husband Bijs were coming over from Holland, my younger brother Danny and his girlfriend Siti were driving across from the west midlands, baby sister Helen, hubby Mark and baby Connor were a few hundred yards ahead of us on the motorway and my Mum and Dad were about 50 miles behind us, despite the fact that we left home in convoy, because Dad never broke the speed limit.
Although Dorcas was a longtime friend of my sister Helen, she didn’t know all the players involved in the weekend’s events and was a little apprehensive about meeting them all, so on the journey I filled in any blanks in her knowledge of us.
“Have you met Abi before?” I asked as we approached junction 8
“Not really” she replied “She was in the back of your Dads car once, I think she was on her way back to Uni, but I didn’t meet her exactly”
It was hardly surprising really as she never really came home again after Uni.
Abigail met Bijs at University and went out to Southern Holland almost as soon as they graduated.
Now they both worked at the City Hall in S-Hertogenbosch and lived a few miles away in Rosmalen and only get back to the UK once in a while.
“You know Danny though” I said as I took the exit and drove towards Stansted airport
“Yes but then he is nearer my own age” she said
“And he asked me out once”
“I didn’t know that” I said surprised
“I said no” she assured me
“I’m pleased to hear it” I added
“How come we never met?” I asked
“I don’t know” Dorcas said thoughtfully “Just my good fortune I suppose”
“Bloody cheek” I said
Forty five minutes later we rejoined the M11 with my sister and her husband on board and we were still ahead of my Mum and Dad.
With the introductions done and Dorcas thoroughly interrogated by my sister we made steady progress towards Cambridge.
“You’ll like Uncle Herbert” Abi said either to Dorcas or Bijs I’m not sure which
“He’s Professor of Medieval Studies at Cambridge University” I said proudly
“Just like CS Lewis” Dorcas contributed
“That’s right” I said surprised “How on earth did you know that?”
“Well I’m not just a pretty face” she said
“Clearly” I concurred
“He’s at Magdalene College” Abi continued
“Also like Lewis” Dorcas responded
“Have you been swatting?” I asked suspiciously
“No I’m just a big fan” she replied
“Of Lewis or my Uncle?” I asked with a smile
“He is also a wit” Abi added
“A raconteur, a lay preacher and an all-round good egg” Abi and I said in unison and laughed as this was a well-worn phrase oft quoted by the family in relation to Uncle Herbert.
Bijs and Dorcas looked on in bemusement.
We drove onto the driveway of chez Cush just before one o’clock and I took a moment to take in the familiar vista before I took Dorcas inside to do the introductions.
The Cush brothers still lived in the ancestral pile built by my great great great grandfather at the height of the industrial revolution.
It had featured prominently throughout my life where all the family gatherings had taken place.
It was not a particularly esthetically pleasing structure but it was typically Victorian and it held fond memories for me.
The harshness of its hard lines had been somewhat softened over the years by the matured sympathetic planting which blended it into the unfussy landscape of the fens where many a long summer holiday had been spent.
Herbert was still at the college but Edgar had a light lunch prepared for us which we ate on the terrace.
We had just finished when Mum and Dad arrived followed shortly by Danny and Siti.
“Well better late than never” I said
“I thought we made good time” Dad replied
“Not you Dad” I responded “You’re actually early, I was talking to desperate Dan”
“I have just one thing to say to you bruv” Dan said punching me on the arm
“M42”
Enough said we all concurred
After lunch as we had a couple of hours to kill so we left the oldies and the baby to doze on the terrace and set off for a walk along the river.
What began with a huddled chattering group eventually spread out into a ragged strand.
Danny and I were at the back about 20 yards astern of Dorcas and Siti who appeared to be getting on like a house on fire.
Danny and Siti lived in Kidderminster where he was an Estate agent and she was a primary school teacher so I didn’t get to see him as often as I’d like.
It was only on these mass gatherings that we were able to catch up.
“How did you of all people manage to snatch up a gem like Dorcas?” Danny asked in disbelief
“She obviously fell for my charm” I said smugly
“I thought she had better taste” Dan continued
“She knocked me back you know?”
“I know” I replied
“Turned me down flat” he continued
“Which just goes to prove she does have good taste” I said and he tried to push me in the river.
The girls turned around to see what we were up to and they both gave us a look so we returned to our previous positions.
“Well you’ve got yourself a good one in Siti” I said
“I know” he said smugly
About half an hour later we were in sight of the university buildings and Abi shouted back from her place in the vanguard.
“PUNTS”
And Danny and I started jogging towards her.
“What’s going on” Dorcas said with alarm
“Were going punting” I said and took her hand and we ran hand in hand along the path
“But I’ve never punted” she exclaimed
The reason for all the excitement was that because of all the summers spent in Cambridge a disproportionate amount of time was spent Punting on the river Cam.
We hired 4 punts and divided up into our respective couples.
Now when the Overton take to the water the object of the exercise is not to get wet.
We had all been in the river at one time or another, some more than others, but when we were punting the winners were the ones who stayed dry.
If your pole gets stuck in the mud you let it go, if the situation arises then you stay with the punt and not with the pole it’s simple really.
Now when I say the object of the exercise is to stay dry in truth what I actually mean is that it is to get your opponents wet.
Once both occupants of a punt have been dunked then they can take no further part.
Now under normal circumstances hostilities wouldn’t begin until all craft were out of sight of the dock and the prying eyes of the boat keeper.
But on this occasion Bijs missed his footing and fell in the river without even setting foot onto his punt.
“God Bijs your whole country is below sea level” Danny shouted “you should be more at home on the water than any of us”
It wasn’t long before Abi, the least sea worthy of the Overton’s, succumbed to an early bath and we were down to 3 boats.
Once the flotilla had travelled sufficiently up stream so as to be out of sight of the boat station and hostilities could begin.
There had been a number of harmless skirmishes when Danny, who normally wins hands down, narrowly avoided a ramming by Helens punt only to find himself heading straight for a weeping willow.
Siti panicked and ran to the rear of the vessel and then she and Danny slid down the pole together.
During the ensuing laughter Mark and I collided, and he and I both got dunked.
Dorcas stood up and laughed like a drain before she shouted
“Abandon ship” and jumped in and joined me.
“I’ll save you captain” she said and wrapped her arms around me as we stood in the cool water, me up to my thighs and Dorcas waist deep and we laughed in the summer sunshine.
Which was when I fell in love with her.
As I stood in the waters of the Cam kissing my girlfriend, Helen noisily declared herself the winner.
She had never won before and she wouldn’t shut up about it on the walk back to the Cush’s so we picked her up threw her into the river.
Her last words before she hit the water were
“You can’t do that I’m a mother”
Over which time we had gotten to know each other and I discovered that quite apart from being gorgeous, which was plain to everyone, she was witty, intelligent, sensitive, loving and a totally rubbish bowler.
At the beginning of August one bright Friday morning we were driving up the M11 on our way to Cambridge to celebrate my Uncle Herbert’s 60th birthday.
By which time Dorcas and I were well and truly a couple.
It was to be a full on family weekend, which is something we do rather well I don’t mind saying but this was the rarest of occasions when absolutely everyone would be in attendance.
Apart from the birthday boy Herbert and his wife Alexandra, there was his elder brother Edgar, my eldest sister Abi and her husband Bijs were coming over from Holland, my younger brother Danny and his girlfriend Siti were driving across from the west midlands, baby sister Helen, hubby Mark and baby Connor were a few hundred yards ahead of us on the motorway and my Mum and Dad were about 50 miles behind us, despite the fact that we left home in convoy, because Dad never broke the speed limit.
Although Dorcas was a longtime friend of my sister Helen, she didn’t know all the players involved in the weekend’s events and was a little apprehensive about meeting them all, so on the journey I filled in any blanks in her knowledge of us.
“Have you met Abi before?” I asked as we approached junction 8
“Not really” she replied “She was in the back of your Dads car once, I think she was on her way back to Uni, but I didn’t meet her exactly”
It was hardly surprising really as she never really came home again after Uni.
Abigail met Bijs at University and went out to Southern Holland almost as soon as they graduated.
Now they both worked at the City Hall in S-Hertogenbosch and lived a few miles away in Rosmalen and only get back to the UK once in a while.
“You know Danny though” I said as I took the exit and drove towards Stansted airport
“Yes but then he is nearer my own age” she said
“And he asked me out once”
“I didn’t know that” I said surprised
“I said no” she assured me
“I’m pleased to hear it” I added
“How come we never met?” I asked
“I don’t know” Dorcas said thoughtfully “Just my good fortune I suppose”
“Bloody cheek” I said
Forty five minutes later we rejoined the M11 with my sister and her husband on board and we were still ahead of my Mum and Dad.
With the introductions done and Dorcas thoroughly interrogated by my sister we made steady progress towards Cambridge.
“You’ll like Uncle Herbert” Abi said either to Dorcas or Bijs I’m not sure which
“He’s Professor of Medieval Studies at Cambridge University” I said proudly
“Just like CS Lewis” Dorcas contributed
“That’s right” I said surprised “How on earth did you know that?”
“Well I’m not just a pretty face” she said
“Clearly” I concurred
“He’s at Magdalene College” Abi continued
“Also like Lewis” Dorcas responded
“Have you been swatting?” I asked suspiciously
“No I’m just a big fan” she replied
“Of Lewis or my Uncle?” I asked with a smile
“He is also a wit” Abi added
“A raconteur, a lay preacher and an all-round good egg” Abi and I said in unison and laughed as this was a well-worn phrase oft quoted by the family in relation to Uncle Herbert.
Bijs and Dorcas looked on in bemusement.
We drove onto the driveway of chez Cush just before one o’clock and I took a moment to take in the familiar vista before I took Dorcas inside to do the introductions.
The Cush brothers still lived in the ancestral pile built by my great great great grandfather at the height of the industrial revolution.
It had featured prominently throughout my life where all the family gatherings had taken place.
It was not a particularly esthetically pleasing structure but it was typically Victorian and it held fond memories for me.
The harshness of its hard lines had been somewhat softened over the years by the matured sympathetic planting which blended it into the unfussy landscape of the fens where many a long summer holiday had been spent.
Herbert was still at the college but Edgar had a light lunch prepared for us which we ate on the terrace.
We had just finished when Mum and Dad arrived followed shortly by Danny and Siti.
“Well better late than never” I said
“I thought we made good time” Dad replied
“Not you Dad” I responded “You’re actually early, I was talking to desperate Dan”
“I have just one thing to say to you bruv” Dan said punching me on the arm
“M42”
Enough said we all concurred
After lunch as we had a couple of hours to kill so we left the oldies and the baby to doze on the terrace and set off for a walk along the river.
What began with a huddled chattering group eventually spread out into a ragged strand.
Danny and I were at the back about 20 yards astern of Dorcas and Siti who appeared to be getting on like a house on fire.
Danny and Siti lived in Kidderminster where he was an Estate agent and she was a primary school teacher so I didn’t get to see him as often as I’d like.
It was only on these mass gatherings that we were able to catch up.
“How did you of all people manage to snatch up a gem like Dorcas?” Danny asked in disbelief
“She obviously fell for my charm” I said smugly
“I thought she had better taste” Dan continued
“She knocked me back you know?”
“I know” I replied
“Turned me down flat” he continued
“Which just goes to prove she does have good taste” I said and he tried to push me in the river.
The girls turned around to see what we were up to and they both gave us a look so we returned to our previous positions.
“Well you’ve got yourself a good one in Siti” I said
“I know” he said smugly
About half an hour later we were in sight of the university buildings and Abi shouted back from her place in the vanguard.
“PUNTS”
And Danny and I started jogging towards her.
“What’s going on” Dorcas said with alarm
“Were going punting” I said and took her hand and we ran hand in hand along the path
“But I’ve never punted” she exclaimed
The reason for all the excitement was that because of all the summers spent in Cambridge a disproportionate amount of time was spent Punting on the river Cam.
We hired 4 punts and divided up into our respective couples.
Now when the Overton take to the water the object of the exercise is not to get wet.
We had all been in the river at one time or another, some more than others, but when we were punting the winners were the ones who stayed dry.
If your pole gets stuck in the mud you let it go, if the situation arises then you stay with the punt and not with the pole it’s simple really.
Now when I say the object of the exercise is to stay dry in truth what I actually mean is that it is to get your opponents wet.
Once both occupants of a punt have been dunked then they can take no further part.
Now under normal circumstances hostilities wouldn’t begin until all craft were out of sight of the dock and the prying eyes of the boat keeper.
But on this occasion Bijs missed his footing and fell in the river without even setting foot onto his punt.
“God Bijs your whole country is below sea level” Danny shouted “you should be more at home on the water than any of us”
It wasn’t long before Abi, the least sea worthy of the Overton’s, succumbed to an early bath and we were down to 3 boats.
Once the flotilla had travelled sufficiently up stream so as to be out of sight of the boat station and hostilities could begin.
There had been a number of harmless skirmishes when Danny, who normally wins hands down, narrowly avoided a ramming by Helens punt only to find himself heading straight for a weeping willow.
Siti panicked and ran to the rear of the vessel and then she and Danny slid down the pole together.
During the ensuing laughter Mark and I collided, and he and I both got dunked.
Dorcas stood up and laughed like a drain before she shouted
“Abandon ship” and jumped in and joined me.
“I’ll save you captain” she said and wrapped her arms around me as we stood in the cool water, me up to my thighs and Dorcas waist deep and we laughed in the summer sunshine.
Which was when I fell in love with her.
As I stood in the waters of the Cam kissing my girlfriend, Helen noisily declared herself the winner.
She had never won before and she wouldn’t shut up about it on the walk back to the Cush’s so we picked her up threw her into the river.
Her last words before she hit the water were
“You can’t do that I’m a mother”
Life With Dorcas (Part Three) Stiff Upper Lip
It was a bright Sunday morning in June, just one week after we had first met, when Dorcas picked me up in her Mini outside the Railway Station in Bushy Down.
It was probably a little unconventional for the first date but after some discussion it was decided that she would pick me up as I lived in Bushy Down which was between her home in Finchbottom and our destination in the Dancingdean Forest.
Despite my apprehension I was very much looking forward to my first date with Dorcas and was praying it would go well.
My trepidation was quite apart from the normal first date nerves and it stemmed from the fact I had to contend with the death defying heights of the Tree Top Trail with all its incumbent hazards such as Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires all at a height of 30ft.
I was not good with heights, I never had been, not that I suffered from vertigo or had an irrational fear of being up high.
In fact I liked high places, Aeroplanes, the London Eye, Canary Wharf or the Empire States Building, as long as there was something between me and oblivion.
What scared me to death was gravity and the belief that it would at any moment pull me screaming to the ground.
But I couldn’t show it, not to Dorcas, I had to put on a brave face for her benefit as I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp.
It was about an hour’s drive to the forest but the time seemed to pass by very quickly as we chatted about something and nothing.
Once we arrived my trepidation deepened as I looked up and realized exactly how high 30 feet was.
As if sensing my reservations Dorcas took hold of my arm.
“Come on then” she said steering me in the direction of a large timber shack.
There were 12 of us in our group, 11 first timers and one jovial leader called Gaz who was determined we all had a “great experience”
And on the whole I think we all did although there were moments when I was almost scared to death.
Though we were never in any real danger, we all had harnesses and protective gear but I was still scared up in the tree tops.
But at the end of it, thanks to Gaz, we all had a great experience but it was nice to get back to terra firma.
After divesting ourselves of our safety gear we all made our way to the café for a well-earned coffee.
As Dorcas and I sat either side of a picnic table discussing how much we had enjoyed the experience
“I wouldn’t want to do it again” she announced
“What?” I said with alarm
“The tree top stuff” she assured me
But she continued with more than a little smugness, knowing she had me hook line and sinker
“I’m up for another date though”
Then after a minute or two she suddenly said
“I have a confession to make”
“Oh” I responded fearing the worst
“I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t scared of heights” she confessed
“I only finished the course because I didn’t want you to think I was wet”
And I laughed
“It’s not funny” she said crossly
“I’m laughing because I was scared to death myself, I just gritted my teeth and got on with it because I didn’t want you to think I was a wimp”
I said and she laughed as well.
When the laughter had subsided we both concurred that it had been a good first date.
It was early evening when we finished our coffee and said fair well to our fellow adventurers and the weather was still lovely.
We were both getting peckish and as neither of us were ready for the date to end and as we were only half an hour away from the coast we headed off to Pepperstock Bay where we ended the momentous day eating fish and chips out of the paper on the sea front and talked about the day.
Our first kiss came in true romantic style as the sun slowly sank beyond the horizon and on the journey home we planned our second date.
It was probably a little unconventional for the first date but after some discussion it was decided that she would pick me up as I lived in Bushy Down which was between her home in Finchbottom and our destination in the Dancingdean Forest.
Despite my apprehension I was very much looking forward to my first date with Dorcas and was praying it would go well.
My trepidation was quite apart from the normal first date nerves and it stemmed from the fact I had to contend with the death defying heights of the Tree Top Trail with all its incumbent hazards such as Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires all at a height of 30ft.
I was not good with heights, I never had been, not that I suffered from vertigo or had an irrational fear of being up high.
In fact I liked high places, Aeroplanes, the London Eye, Canary Wharf or the Empire States Building, as long as there was something between me and oblivion.
What scared me to death was gravity and the belief that it would at any moment pull me screaming to the ground.
But I couldn’t show it, not to Dorcas, I had to put on a brave face for her benefit as I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp.
It was about an hour’s drive to the forest but the time seemed to pass by very quickly as we chatted about something and nothing.
Once we arrived my trepidation deepened as I looked up and realized exactly how high 30 feet was.
As if sensing my reservations Dorcas took hold of my arm.
“Come on then” she said steering me in the direction of a large timber shack.
There were 12 of us in our group, 11 first timers and one jovial leader called Gaz who was determined we all had a “great experience”
And on the whole I think we all did although there were moments when I was almost scared to death.
Though we were never in any real danger, we all had harnesses and protective gear but I was still scared up in the tree tops.
But at the end of it, thanks to Gaz, we all had a great experience but it was nice to get back to terra firma.
After divesting ourselves of our safety gear we all made our way to the café for a well-earned coffee.
As Dorcas and I sat either side of a picnic table discussing how much we had enjoyed the experience
“I wouldn’t want to do it again” she announced
“What?” I said with alarm
“The tree top stuff” she assured me
But she continued with more than a little smugness, knowing she had me hook line and sinker
“I’m up for another date though”
Then after a minute or two she suddenly said
“I have a confession to make”
“Oh” I responded fearing the worst
“I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t scared of heights” she confessed
“I only finished the course because I didn’t want you to think I was wet”
And I laughed
“It’s not funny” she said crossly
“I’m laughing because I was scared to death myself, I just gritted my teeth and got on with it because I didn’t want you to think I was a wimp”
I said and she laughed as well.
When the laughter had subsided we both concurred that it had been a good first date.
It was early evening when we finished our coffee and said fair well to our fellow adventurers and the weather was still lovely.
We were both getting peckish and as neither of us were ready for the date to end and as we were only half an hour away from the coast we headed off to Pepperstock Bay where we ended the momentous day eating fish and chips out of the paper on the sea front and talked about the day.
Our first kiss came in true romantic style as the sun slowly sank beyond the horizon and on the journey home we planned our second date.
Life With Dorcas (Part Two) Not For The Faint Hearted
Having plucked up the courage, at my Godsons Christening, to ask Dorcas Fox-Martin out on a date and bolstered by her positive response I very foolishly neglected to cement the arrangement there and then and furthermore left the Christening party without securing either a firm date for the erm….. date or any contact details for her.
It wasn’t until I got home that the full extent of my stupidity dawned on me.
In my defense of course I was so taken aback by Dorcas’s reply and such was my elation that she had agreed to go out with me
Which is why I not only didn’t arrange anything but I had also left without any means of contacting her.
I had just reached the point where I was well and truly feeling sorry myself when the phone rang.
“Hello” I said forlornly
“Oh dear” Helen said unsympathetically “cheer up”
“Don’t joke” I said “I’ve done something really stupid”
“I know” she replied “you’re a plank”
“Oh don’t” I responded feebly
“Fortunately your wonderful sister has come to the rescue” Helen said “and I gave your number to Dorcas so she can call you”
“You’re the best sis” I said
“I know” she said immodestly “now don’t cock it up”
I had been so diverted by my foolishness that I hadn’t even given any due consideration to where I would take her.
Given that prior to that morning she had been a complete stranger to me I therefore had no idea what to suggest.
My normal first date experience, limited though that might have been, consisted of either a drink, a meal, the cinema or bowling.
Well a drink didn’t sound substantial enough for my liking and as I was somewhat nervous I imagined I would probably drink too much and make a complete dogs breakfast of it, so I ruled that out.
A meal on the other hand was fraught with dangers of its own, food preferences, allergies and intolerance’s.
It goes without saying that it was a given to rule out any food that required the wearing of a bib.
The cinema I had always found to be a difficult area date wise.
Sitting in the dark with a girl and spending most of the film weighing up the options of when it would be appropriate to move in for a cuddle or a kiss.
Not that that would be of concern with Dorcas, after all we were past the age of the back row groping.
No it was knowing her taste in film that was the issue there so I ruled out the cinema as well.
I also crossed off tenpin bowling but for no other reason than that I was crap at it.
After a couple of fruitless hours of deliberation I still had no idea where to suggest Dorcas and I should go on our first date and then the phone rang.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
“Hello” I said timidly
“Ben?” a voice asked
“Speaking” I replied
“It’s Dorcas” she said
“Hi” I said weakly
“We didn’t make a date” Dorcas said hesitantly “At the Christening”
“No I..” I faltered
“Did you still… erm want to?” she asked
“Of course” I said firmly almost shouting
“Good” Dorcas said with a giggle
“I thought you might have changed your mind”
“No not at all” I stated “But...”
“But?” she said falteringly
“I don’t know where to suggest” I said
“Is that all?” she asked and laughed
She had had a similar struggle as I had to find a suitable venue/activity we had however reached totally different conclusion which I found out when she announced she had the perfect date in mind.
“A Tree Top Trail”
“What’s that?” I asked genuinely oblivious
“It’s a trail through the tree tops with Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires” she said excitedly
“It sounds like great fun and I’ve always fancied a go”
Well I had no great expectation when I first asked Dorcas out and I thought she would soon tire of me after all I was one of life’s spectators while she was up there center stage.
But how wrong I was, she knew that we were cut from different cloth but she didn’t care that we were so different.
I had always been content to look on from the sidelines whereas Dorcas was in there participating with all her might, she was a “joiner in” while I was an applauder of other people’s efforts.
But no more, and despite the fact that the thought of walking through the tree tops 30 feet above the ground scared me to death I said.
“Me too”
It wasn’t until I got home that the full extent of my stupidity dawned on me.
In my defense of course I was so taken aback by Dorcas’s reply and such was my elation that she had agreed to go out with me
Which is why I not only didn’t arrange anything but I had also left without any means of contacting her.
I had just reached the point where I was well and truly feeling sorry myself when the phone rang.
“Hello” I said forlornly
“Oh dear” Helen said unsympathetically “cheer up”
“Don’t joke” I said “I’ve done something really stupid”
“I know” she replied “you’re a plank”
“Oh don’t” I responded feebly
“Fortunately your wonderful sister has come to the rescue” Helen said “and I gave your number to Dorcas so she can call you”
“You’re the best sis” I said
“I know” she said immodestly “now don’t cock it up”
I had been so diverted by my foolishness that I hadn’t even given any due consideration to where I would take her.
Given that prior to that morning she had been a complete stranger to me I therefore had no idea what to suggest.
My normal first date experience, limited though that might have been, consisted of either a drink, a meal, the cinema or bowling.
Well a drink didn’t sound substantial enough for my liking and as I was somewhat nervous I imagined I would probably drink too much and make a complete dogs breakfast of it, so I ruled that out.
A meal on the other hand was fraught with dangers of its own, food preferences, allergies and intolerance’s.
It goes without saying that it was a given to rule out any food that required the wearing of a bib.
The cinema I had always found to be a difficult area date wise.
Sitting in the dark with a girl and spending most of the film weighing up the options of when it would be appropriate to move in for a cuddle or a kiss.
Not that that would be of concern with Dorcas, after all we were past the age of the back row groping.
No it was knowing her taste in film that was the issue there so I ruled out the cinema as well.
I also crossed off tenpin bowling but for no other reason than that I was crap at it.
After a couple of fruitless hours of deliberation I still had no idea where to suggest Dorcas and I should go on our first date and then the phone rang.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
“Hello” I said timidly
“Ben?” a voice asked
“Speaking” I replied
“It’s Dorcas” she said
“Hi” I said weakly
“We didn’t make a date” Dorcas said hesitantly “At the Christening”
“No I..” I faltered
“Did you still… erm want to?” she asked
“Of course” I said firmly almost shouting
“Good” Dorcas said with a giggle
“I thought you might have changed your mind”
“No not at all” I stated “But...”
“But?” she said falteringly
“I don’t know where to suggest” I said
“Is that all?” she asked and laughed
She had had a similar struggle as I had to find a suitable venue/activity we had however reached totally different conclusion which I found out when she announced she had the perfect date in mind.
“A Tree Top Trail”
“What’s that?” I asked genuinely oblivious
“It’s a trail through the tree tops with Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires” she said excitedly
“It sounds like great fun and I’ve always fancied a go”
Well I had no great expectation when I first asked Dorcas out and I thought she would soon tire of me after all I was one of life’s spectators while she was up there center stage.
But how wrong I was, she knew that we were cut from different cloth but she didn’t care that we were so different.
I had always been content to look on from the sidelines whereas Dorcas was in there participating with all her might, she was a “joiner in” while I was an applauder of other people’s efforts.
But no more, and despite the fact that the thought of walking through the tree tops 30 feet above the ground scared me to death I said.
“Me too”
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