It was a bright Sunday morning in June, just one week after we had first met, when Dorcas picked me up in her Mini outside the Railway Station in Bushy Down.
It was probably a little unconventional for the first date but after some discussion it was decided that she would pick me up as I lived in Bushy Down which was between her home in Finchbottom and our destination in the Dancingdean Forest.
Despite my apprehension I was very much looking forward to my first date with Dorcas and was praying it would go well.
My trepidation was quite apart from the normal first date nerves and it stemmed from the fact I had to contend with the death defying heights of the Tree Top Trail with all its incumbent hazards such as Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires all at a height of 30ft.
I was not good with heights, I never had been, not that I suffered from vertigo or had an irrational fear of being up high.
In fact I liked high places, Aeroplanes, the London Eye, Canary Wharf or the Empire States Building, as long as there was something between me and oblivion.
What scared me to death was gravity and the belief that it would at any moment pull me screaming to the ground.
But I couldn’t show it, not to Dorcas, I had to put on a brave face for her benefit as I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp.
It was about an hour’s drive to the forest but the time seemed to pass by very quickly as we chatted about something and nothing.
Once we arrived my trepidation deepened as I looked up and realized exactly how high 30 feet was.
As if sensing my reservations Dorcas took hold of my arm.
“Come on then” she said steering me in the direction of a large timber shack.
There were 12 of us in our group, 11 first timers and one jovial leader called Gaz who was determined we all had a “great experience”
And on the whole I think we all did although there were moments when I was almost scared to death.
Though we were never in any real danger, we all had harnesses and protective gear but I was still scared up in the tree tops.
But at the end of it, thanks to Gaz, we all had a great experience but it was nice to get back to terra firma.
After divesting ourselves of our safety gear we all made our way to the café for a well-earned coffee.
As Dorcas and I sat either side of a picnic table discussing how much we had enjoyed the experience
“I wouldn’t want to do it again” she announced
“What?” I said with alarm
“The tree top stuff” she assured me
But she continued with more than a little smugness, knowing she had me hook line and sinker
“I’m up for another date though”
Then after a minute or two she suddenly said
“I have a confession to make”
“Oh” I responded fearing the worst
“I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t scared of heights” she confessed
“I only finished the course because I didn’t want you to think I was wet”
And I laughed
“It’s not funny” she said crossly
“I’m laughing because I was scared to death myself, I just gritted my teeth and got on with it because I didn’t want you to think I was a wimp”
I said and she laughed as well.
When the laughter had subsided we both concurred that it had been a good first date.
It was early evening when we finished our coffee and said fair well to our fellow adventurers and the weather was still lovely.
We were both getting peckish and as neither of us were ready for the date to end and as we were only half an hour away from the coast we headed off to Pepperstock Bay where we ended the momentous day eating fish and chips out of the paper on the sea front and talked about the day.
Our first kiss came in true romantic style as the sun slowly sank beyond the horizon and on the journey home we planned our second date.
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Life With Dorcas (Part Two) Not For The Faint Hearted
Having plucked up the courage, at my Godsons Christening, to ask Dorcas Fox-Martin out on a date and bolstered by her positive response I very foolishly neglected to cement the arrangement there and then and furthermore left the Christening party without securing either a firm date for the erm….. date or any contact details for her.
It wasn’t until I got home that the full extent of my stupidity dawned on me.
In my defense of course I was so taken aback by Dorcas’s reply and such was my elation that she had agreed to go out with me
Which is why I not only didn’t arrange anything but I had also left without any means of contacting her.
I had just reached the point where I was well and truly feeling sorry myself when the phone rang.
“Hello” I said forlornly
“Oh dear” Helen said unsympathetically “cheer up”
“Don’t joke” I said “I’ve done something really stupid”
“I know” she replied “you’re a plank”
“Oh don’t” I responded feebly
“Fortunately your wonderful sister has come to the rescue” Helen said “and I gave your number to Dorcas so she can call you”
“You’re the best sis” I said
“I know” she said immodestly “now don’t cock it up”
I had been so diverted by my foolishness that I hadn’t even given any due consideration to where I would take her.
Given that prior to that morning she had been a complete stranger to me I therefore had no idea what to suggest.
My normal first date experience, limited though that might have been, consisted of either a drink, a meal, the cinema or bowling.
Well a drink didn’t sound substantial enough for my liking and as I was somewhat nervous I imagined I would probably drink too much and make a complete dogs breakfast of it, so I ruled that out.
A meal on the other hand was fraught with dangers of its own, food preferences, allergies and intolerance’s.
It goes without saying that it was a given to rule out any food that required the wearing of a bib.
The cinema I had always found to be a difficult area date wise.
Sitting in the dark with a girl and spending most of the film weighing up the options of when it would be appropriate to move in for a cuddle or a kiss.
Not that that would be of concern with Dorcas, after all we were past the age of the back row groping.
No it was knowing her taste in film that was the issue there so I ruled out the cinema as well.
I also crossed off tenpin bowling but for no other reason than that I was crap at it.
After a couple of fruitless hours of deliberation I still had no idea where to suggest Dorcas and I should go on our first date and then the phone rang.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
“Hello” I said timidly
“Ben?” a voice asked
“Speaking” I replied
“It’s Dorcas” she said
“Hi” I said weakly
“We didn’t make a date” Dorcas said hesitantly “At the Christening”
“No I..” I faltered
“Did you still… erm want to?” she asked
“Of course” I said firmly almost shouting
“Good” Dorcas said with a giggle
“I thought you might have changed your mind”
“No not at all” I stated “But...”
“But?” she said falteringly
“I don’t know where to suggest” I said
“Is that all?” she asked and laughed
She had had a similar struggle as I had to find a suitable venue/activity we had however reached totally different conclusion which I found out when she announced she had the perfect date in mind.
“A Tree Top Trail”
“What’s that?” I asked genuinely oblivious
“It’s a trail through the tree tops with Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires” she said excitedly
“It sounds like great fun and I’ve always fancied a go”
Well I had no great expectation when I first asked Dorcas out and I thought she would soon tire of me after all I was one of life’s spectators while she was up there center stage.
But how wrong I was, she knew that we were cut from different cloth but she didn’t care that we were so different.
I had always been content to look on from the sidelines whereas Dorcas was in there participating with all her might, she was a “joiner in” while I was an applauder of other people’s efforts.
But no more, and despite the fact that the thought of walking through the tree tops 30 feet above the ground scared me to death I said.
“Me too”
It wasn’t until I got home that the full extent of my stupidity dawned on me.
In my defense of course I was so taken aback by Dorcas’s reply and such was my elation that she had agreed to go out with me
Which is why I not only didn’t arrange anything but I had also left without any means of contacting her.
I had just reached the point where I was well and truly feeling sorry myself when the phone rang.
“Hello” I said forlornly
“Oh dear” Helen said unsympathetically “cheer up”
“Don’t joke” I said “I’ve done something really stupid”
“I know” she replied “you’re a plank”
“Oh don’t” I responded feebly
“Fortunately your wonderful sister has come to the rescue” Helen said “and I gave your number to Dorcas so she can call you”
“You’re the best sis” I said
“I know” she said immodestly “now don’t cock it up”
I had been so diverted by my foolishness that I hadn’t even given any due consideration to where I would take her.
Given that prior to that morning she had been a complete stranger to me I therefore had no idea what to suggest.
My normal first date experience, limited though that might have been, consisted of either a drink, a meal, the cinema or bowling.
Well a drink didn’t sound substantial enough for my liking and as I was somewhat nervous I imagined I would probably drink too much and make a complete dogs breakfast of it, so I ruled that out.
A meal on the other hand was fraught with dangers of its own, food preferences, allergies and intolerance’s.
It goes without saying that it was a given to rule out any food that required the wearing of a bib.
The cinema I had always found to be a difficult area date wise.
Sitting in the dark with a girl and spending most of the film weighing up the options of when it would be appropriate to move in for a cuddle or a kiss.
Not that that would be of concern with Dorcas, after all we were past the age of the back row groping.
No it was knowing her taste in film that was the issue there so I ruled out the cinema as well.
I also crossed off tenpin bowling but for no other reason than that I was crap at it.
After a couple of fruitless hours of deliberation I still had no idea where to suggest Dorcas and I should go on our first date and then the phone rang.
I took a deep breath and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
“Hello” I said timidly
“Ben?” a voice asked
“Speaking” I replied
“It’s Dorcas” she said
“Hi” I said weakly
“We didn’t make a date” Dorcas said hesitantly “At the Christening”
“No I..” I faltered
“Did you still… erm want to?” she asked
“Of course” I said firmly almost shouting
“Good” Dorcas said with a giggle
“I thought you might have changed your mind”
“No not at all” I stated “But...”
“But?” she said falteringly
“I don’t know where to suggest” I said
“Is that all?” she asked and laughed
She had had a similar struggle as I had to find a suitable venue/activity we had however reached totally different conclusion which I found out when she announced she had the perfect date in mind.
“A Tree Top Trail”
“What’s that?” I asked genuinely oblivious
“It’s a trail through the tree tops with Tarzan swings, rope bridges and Zip Wires” she said excitedly
“It sounds like great fun and I’ve always fancied a go”
Well I had no great expectation when I first asked Dorcas out and I thought she would soon tire of me after all I was one of life’s spectators while she was up there center stage.
But how wrong I was, she knew that we were cut from different cloth but she didn’t care that we were so different.
I had always been content to look on from the sidelines whereas Dorcas was in there participating with all her might, she was a “joiner in” while I was an applauder of other people’s efforts.
But no more, and despite the fact that the thought of walking through the tree tops 30 feet above the ground scared me to death I said.
“Me too”
Life With Dorcas (Part One) Uncle Ben’s Big Day
I had always been a contented person and altogether happy with my lot.
Though not a wealthy person by any measurement I had everything I wanted and all was well in my world.
I had a job that I enjoyed I had a family that I loved and got along well with and I lived in my own modest cottage in the pleasant English village of Bushy Down.
I had everything a man could want and I was content, that was, until a few weeks after my twenty ninth birthday when I met Dorcas Fox-Martin.
It was a glorious Sunday morning in June and the Village of Bushy Down was looking particularly picturesque.
I was on my way to St Lucy’s Church in the village, not somewhere I was completely unfamiliar with but somewhere I hadn’t been as often as I should have.
Though on that particular morning I had a more pressing need to be there other than the neglect of my spiritual wellbeing.
Because on that morning Ben Overton, that’s me, was to be Godfather to his nephew Connor.
My sister Helen was three years younger than me and was the baby of the family and now had a baby of her own who was about to be christened.
It was as I walked to the church, preoccupied by thoughts of pride at my impending Godfatherhood that my life was changed forever.
Having caught sight of Helen on the Church steps I quickly crossed Church Lane and was brought rudely to my senses by the blast of a car horn.
I jumped out of the way and reached the safety of the footpath and braced myself to launch a tirade at the impatient shit on the other end of the car horn.
But when I turned to face the driver I was greeted by a beautiful smiling brunette.
Who mouthed the word “sorry” which completely disarmed me.
Helen and her husband Mark watching from the Church steps thought it was highly amusing that I had nearly been turned into road kill.
I turned around to give them a withering look and when I returned my attention back to the pretty vehicular assassin she had gone and that was that or so I thought.
It was at the end of the main service when the Reverend Hunter began the Baptism of my nephew Connor Innes into the faith that I saw again.
It turned out that “Penelope Pitstop” the beautiful, if dangerous brunette, was a close friend of my sister Helen and was also to be a Godparent to my nephew.
I have to confess as proud as I was to be Godfather I didn’t really follow proceedings as closely as I should have as my eyes were constantly drawn to the beautiful girl on the other side of the font.
But at the end I lost sight of her in the melee as everyone decanted from the Church and such was the affect this beautiful stranger had on me that I drove to my mum’s house in Kiddingstone full of trepidation that she was gone forever.
I parked in the street outside my Parents house and went in.
“Hey Ben” Helen said as I entered the kitchen “you got here safely then?”
“Very funny” I countered
“You’re obviously safer as a driver than you are as a pedestrian” She said and roared with laughter.
“Shut up and give me a beer lippy” I replied
She went to the fridge and took out a bottle, opened it and handed it to me.
“Thanks sis,” I said “have you got a glass?”
I didn’t like drinking from the bottle, I couldn’t stand it, and it was a bit of a joke within the family I thought it was common.
“You are so old” Helen said laughing
“I just have standards” I retorted pompously “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s in the lounge showing Gran the video” She replied.
My Gran was 91 and quite frail and wasn’t well enough to attend the Christening so the ceremony was videoed by my brother Danny and it was being played back for her so she would feel included in proceeding.
“You should go and watch it yourself” she added “as you missed most of it as you were ogling Dorcas”
“Dorcas?” I asked playing dumb
“Yes the pretty brunette you couldn’t take your eyes off” she said
“I think you’re imagining it” I answered as I left the kitchen
“I think you’re smitten” she shouted after me
I was about to unleash a witty retort in response but I was suddenly knocked sideways into the wall slopping my drink down my trousers.
“Sorry” she said “I wasn’t looking where I was going”
I turned around to face my assailant
“That’s…” and that was all I could say as I gazed upon the smiling face of the beautiful girl I knew to be, though we had not been introduced, Dorcas.
I don’t know how long I stood there staring at her or how long I would have continued to stare had she not broken the silence.
“This is becoming a bit of a habit” She said “my name is Dor…”
“Dorcas” I continued
“Yes” she answered “and you’re Ben”
And so the introductions were complete and from the first moment we met she bought something into my world that I hadn’t even noticed I didn’t have, love.
I was besotted with the diminutive young woman with the immense personality and a heart as big as the moon.
As I said when I began I was quite content with my lot and I had not felt my life suffered for the want of love, I had not craved it nor coveted it, I just thought it was something that was inflicted on other people and I was immune but once I tasted it I was hooked.
Had it not been for the fact that she had almost run me down and had fate not also decreed we both be Godparents to the same child I don’t think I would ever have spoken to her, let alone asked her out but ask her out I did and furthermore she said yes.
Though not a wealthy person by any measurement I had everything I wanted and all was well in my world.
I had a job that I enjoyed I had a family that I loved and got along well with and I lived in my own modest cottage in the pleasant English village of Bushy Down.
I had everything a man could want and I was content, that was, until a few weeks after my twenty ninth birthday when I met Dorcas Fox-Martin.
It was a glorious Sunday morning in June and the Village of Bushy Down was looking particularly picturesque.
I was on my way to St Lucy’s Church in the village, not somewhere I was completely unfamiliar with but somewhere I hadn’t been as often as I should have.
Though on that particular morning I had a more pressing need to be there other than the neglect of my spiritual wellbeing.
Because on that morning Ben Overton, that’s me, was to be Godfather to his nephew Connor.
My sister Helen was three years younger than me and was the baby of the family and now had a baby of her own who was about to be christened.
It was as I walked to the church, preoccupied by thoughts of pride at my impending Godfatherhood that my life was changed forever.
Having caught sight of Helen on the Church steps I quickly crossed Church Lane and was brought rudely to my senses by the blast of a car horn.
I jumped out of the way and reached the safety of the footpath and braced myself to launch a tirade at the impatient shit on the other end of the car horn.
But when I turned to face the driver I was greeted by a beautiful smiling brunette.
Who mouthed the word “sorry” which completely disarmed me.
Helen and her husband Mark watching from the Church steps thought it was highly amusing that I had nearly been turned into road kill.
I turned around to give them a withering look and when I returned my attention back to the pretty vehicular assassin she had gone and that was that or so I thought.
It was at the end of the main service when the Reverend Hunter began the Baptism of my nephew Connor Innes into the faith that I saw again.
It turned out that “Penelope Pitstop” the beautiful, if dangerous brunette, was a close friend of my sister Helen and was also to be a Godparent to my nephew.
I have to confess as proud as I was to be Godfather I didn’t really follow proceedings as closely as I should have as my eyes were constantly drawn to the beautiful girl on the other side of the font.
But at the end I lost sight of her in the melee as everyone decanted from the Church and such was the affect this beautiful stranger had on me that I drove to my mum’s house in Kiddingstone full of trepidation that she was gone forever.
I parked in the street outside my Parents house and went in.
“Hey Ben” Helen said as I entered the kitchen “you got here safely then?”
“Very funny” I countered
“You’re obviously safer as a driver than you are as a pedestrian” She said and roared with laughter.
“Shut up and give me a beer lippy” I replied
She went to the fridge and took out a bottle, opened it and handed it to me.
“Thanks sis,” I said “have you got a glass?”
I didn’t like drinking from the bottle, I couldn’t stand it, and it was a bit of a joke within the family I thought it was common.
“You are so old” Helen said laughing
“I just have standards” I retorted pompously “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s in the lounge showing Gran the video” She replied.
My Gran was 91 and quite frail and wasn’t well enough to attend the Christening so the ceremony was videoed by my brother Danny and it was being played back for her so she would feel included in proceeding.
“You should go and watch it yourself” she added “as you missed most of it as you were ogling Dorcas”
“Dorcas?” I asked playing dumb
“Yes the pretty brunette you couldn’t take your eyes off” she said
“I think you’re imagining it” I answered as I left the kitchen
“I think you’re smitten” she shouted after me
I was about to unleash a witty retort in response but I was suddenly knocked sideways into the wall slopping my drink down my trousers.
“Sorry” she said “I wasn’t looking where I was going”
I turned around to face my assailant
“That’s…” and that was all I could say as I gazed upon the smiling face of the beautiful girl I knew to be, though we had not been introduced, Dorcas.
I don’t know how long I stood there staring at her or how long I would have continued to stare had she not broken the silence.
“This is becoming a bit of a habit” She said “my name is Dor…”
“Dorcas” I continued
“Yes” she answered “and you’re Ben”
And so the introductions were complete and from the first moment we met she bought something into my world that I hadn’t even noticed I didn’t have, love.
I was besotted with the diminutive young woman with the immense personality and a heart as big as the moon.
As I said when I began I was quite content with my lot and I had not felt my life suffered for the want of love, I had not craved it nor coveted it, I just thought it was something that was inflicted on other people and I was immune but once I tasted it I was hooked.
Had it not been for the fact that she had almost run me down and had fate not also decreed we both be Godparents to the same child I don’t think I would ever have spoken to her, let alone asked her out but ask her out I did and furthermore she said yes.
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
A Little Bit Of Humour # 31
ARE YOU WEARING THAT LADY’S FAVOUR?
Are you wearing that lady’s favour?
Well I should tell you sir knight
That if you’re fighting for her virtue
It really isn’t worth the fight
ARE YOU WEARING A CROYDON FACELIFT?
Are you wearing a Croydon facelift?
Well it looks like you’ve had a shock
It’s not a good look on you at all
It looks like you overdosed on Botox
ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?
Are you wearing a muffler?
To keep the cold off your chest
Well should it not do the job
I know what to do for the best
I’ll just rub Vick on your skin
Inside your thermal vest
ARE YOU WEARING A SMUG EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a smug expression?
Well that can mean just one thing
As you’re dressed in that dark suit
You didn’t shake before letting it swing
ARE YOU WEARING CONTACT LENSES?
Are you wearing contact lenses?
In your “mince pies”
Because they shine
At night like cats eyes
ARE YOU WEARING AN APRON?
Are you wearing an apron?
It’s very pretty and frilly
It’s not very big though
Just enough to cover your Willy
ARE YOU WEARING A BARRETTE?
Are you wearing a barrette?
I can see something shining there
Holding your tresses from your face
Silver in your brunette hair
ARE YOU WEARING A DUTCH CAP?
Are you wearing a Dutch cap?
Not the contraceptive madam
A hat from Holland, I see now
That it reads “I love Amsterdam”
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 1
Are you wearing slacks?
Oh I hate to call them that
They’re only trousers really
Unless you’re a pretentious twat
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 2
Are you wearing slacks?
It’s certainly very casual attire
But not the kind of look
The fashion world desire
But fine for ordinary people
Who don’t set the world on fire
ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?
Are you wearing a nightie?
Something sexy and flighty
I hope it’s a little see through
And through it I can see you
Are you wearing that lady’s favour?
Well I should tell you sir knight
That if you’re fighting for her virtue
It really isn’t worth the fight
ARE YOU WEARING A CROYDON FACELIFT?
Are you wearing a Croydon facelift?
Well it looks like you’ve had a shock
It’s not a good look on you at all
It looks like you overdosed on Botox
ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?
Are you wearing a muffler?
To keep the cold off your chest
Well should it not do the job
I know what to do for the best
I’ll just rub Vick on your skin
Inside your thermal vest
ARE YOU WEARING A SMUG EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a smug expression?
Well that can mean just one thing
As you’re dressed in that dark suit
You didn’t shake before letting it swing
ARE YOU WEARING CONTACT LENSES?
Are you wearing contact lenses?
In your “mince pies”
Because they shine
At night like cats eyes
ARE YOU WEARING AN APRON?
Are you wearing an apron?
It’s very pretty and frilly
It’s not very big though
Just enough to cover your Willy
ARE YOU WEARING A BARRETTE?
Are you wearing a barrette?
I can see something shining there
Holding your tresses from your face
Silver in your brunette hair
ARE YOU WEARING A DUTCH CAP?
Are you wearing a Dutch cap?
Not the contraceptive madam
A hat from Holland, I see now
That it reads “I love Amsterdam”
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 1
Are you wearing slacks?
Oh I hate to call them that
They’re only trousers really
Unless you’re a pretentious twat
ARE YOU WEARING SLACKS? # 2
Are you wearing slacks?
It’s certainly very casual attire
But not the kind of look
The fashion world desire
But fine for ordinary people
Who don’t set the world on fire
ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?
Are you wearing a nightie?
Something sexy and flighty
I hope it’s a little see through
And through it I can see you
A Little Bit Of Humour # 30
TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER
“I have to book you” the Officer said
“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”
“No it won’t happen again” I said
“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”
TAMARA AND PANDORA
Tamara Split-Whiskers
Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte
Pandy still had her cherry
But Tammy had lost her heart
And though she tried hard
With miss ffanny-ffarte
She still couldn’t prize
Her skinny thighs apart
ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?
Are you wearing sunglasses?
Well they are the height of cool
But it’s England and its February
And you look a bloody fool
MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON
My mum went to the salon
She was in there for hours
But she didn’t get a face pack
She was beyond their powers
MY WIFE GOT A MUDPACK
My wife got a mudpack
And she looked great
Until two days later
It fell off her face mate
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 305
Kitty Fisher took a tumble
And her skirts went all akimbo
And as her legs flew in the air
You could see she’d gone commando
I AM FROM THE CARIBBEAN
I am from the Caribbean
And I find cooking very hard
But I do one thing very well
RhuBarbados and custard
TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Providing you’re careful
And avoid any reference
To the Village People
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 306
Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
I bet no one predicted that
When they met in the pub
HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT
Hobbies are very important
Even for planners and plotters
I think everyone needs a hobby
I myself count train spotters
SHORT SHIPMENT
I told my boss at work today
That we had a short shipment
And he went absolutely mad
He got straight on the phone
And showed his discontent
We had a shipment of shorts
Is what I actually meant
THE RED LIGHT
The Red Light
Means stop, although
In the seedier parts
It does mean go
“I have to book you” the Officer said
“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”
“No it won’t happen again” I said
“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”
TAMARA AND PANDORA
Tamara Split-Whiskers
Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte
Pandy still had her cherry
But Tammy had lost her heart
And though she tried hard
With miss ffanny-ffarte
She still couldn’t prize
Her skinny thighs apart
ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?
Are you wearing sunglasses?
Well they are the height of cool
But it’s England and its February
And you look a bloody fool
MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON
My mum went to the salon
She was in there for hours
But she didn’t get a face pack
She was beyond their powers
MY WIFE GOT A MUDPACK
My wife got a mudpack
And she looked great
Until two days later
It fell off her face mate
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 305
Kitty Fisher took a tumble
And her skirts went all akimbo
And as her legs flew in the air
You could see she’d gone commando
I AM FROM THE CARIBBEAN
I am from the Caribbean
And I find cooking very hard
But I do one thing very well
RhuBarbados and custard
TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
Providing you’re careful
And avoid any reference
To the Village People
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 306
Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
I bet no one predicted that
When they met in the pub
HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT
Hobbies are very important
Even for planners and plotters
I think everyone needs a hobby
I myself count train spotters
SHORT SHIPMENT
I told my boss at work today
That we had a short shipment
And he went absolutely mad
He got straight on the phone
And showed his discontent
We had a shipment of shorts
Is what I actually meant
THE RED LIGHT
The Red Light
Means stop, although
In the seedier parts
It does mean go
A Little Bit Of Humour # 29
MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM
My Boss doesn’t go to the gym
But it’s not a case of him being slack
He gets all the exercise he needs
Just by stabbing people in the back
TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
When a cop stopped me for speeding
They fined me one hundred pounds
“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”
But the traffic officer stood his ground
Then he look at me and responded
“But there are no other cars around”
“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred
And I was still losing ground
AS YOU ARE THE VICAR
As you are the Vicar
You marry people every day
But it was me who married you
On our wedding day
And your greatest pleasure
Is when I lift up your cassock
And take you from behind
As you kneel on a hassock
CAMILLA AND QUENTIN
Camilla Titt-Wank
Went to the hunt ball
And it was well known
She’d have anyone at all
She danced all night with
Quentin Tea-Bagg
But he went off at the end
With Oliver Rough-Shagg
ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2
Electronic banking
Is the way it is done
Lightning fast transfers
At the touch of a button
Though not necessarily
The fastest way of course
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than divorce
THE GREATEST QUESTION
The greatest question
Has no answer
It is neither yes or no
The great question is
"What does a woman want?"
And I just don’t know
I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED
I remember the days before I married
And what I was able to do
And I remember with a wistful heart
I could do anything I wanted to
TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work but
When talking to the constabulary
Avoid reminding them
Exactly who pays their salary
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?
Are you wearing spanx?
I thought that was the case
Because you’ve got a fat neck
And a very red face
THE GUNFIGHTER
A young cowboy was sat in the saloon
One Saturday night looking his best
When an old man walked into the bar
Who was once the fastest gun in the West
The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist
He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot
And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”
He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,
Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot off the piano player’s bow tie
Then he said, “now, where the hammer
Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot the cuff link off piano player
“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun
Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”
The kid went outside returning with it done
“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo
Will shove that gun right up your arse,
When he finishes playing the piano”
ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?
Are you wearing a little black dress?
In the coco channel style to impress
Even though it’s a very classic gown
You look more like Coco the clown
AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS
At Stonehenge, the druids
Exchange bodily fluids
At the temple to the sun
As the solstice begun
Dressed up like loons
And barking at the moon
My Boss doesn’t go to the gym
But it’s not a case of him being slack
He gets all the exercise he needs
Just by stabbing people in the back
TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
When a cop stopped me for speeding
They fined me one hundred pounds
“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”
But the traffic officer stood his ground
Then he look at me and responded
“But there are no other cars around”
“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred
And I was still losing ground
AS YOU ARE THE VICAR
As you are the Vicar
You marry people every day
But it was me who married you
On our wedding day
And your greatest pleasure
Is when I lift up your cassock
And take you from behind
As you kneel on a hassock
CAMILLA AND QUENTIN
Camilla Titt-Wank
Went to the hunt ball
And it was well known
She’d have anyone at all
She danced all night with
Quentin Tea-Bagg
But he went off at the end
With Oliver Rough-Shagg
ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2
Electronic banking
Is the way it is done
Lightning fast transfers
At the touch of a button
Though not necessarily
The fastest way of course
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than divorce
THE GREATEST QUESTION
The greatest question
Has no answer
It is neither yes or no
The great question is
"What does a woman want?"
And I just don’t know
I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED
I remember the days before I married
And what I was able to do
And I remember with a wistful heart
I could do anything I wanted to
TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work but
When talking to the constabulary
Avoid reminding them
Exactly who pays their salary
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?
Are you wearing spanx?
I thought that was the case
Because you’ve got a fat neck
And a very red face
THE GUNFIGHTER
A young cowboy was sat in the saloon
One Saturday night looking his best
When an old man walked into the bar
Who was once the fastest gun in the West
The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist
He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot
And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”
He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,
Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot off the piano player’s bow tie
Then he said, “now, where the hammer
Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun
And shot the cuff link off piano player
“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun
Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”
The kid went outside returning with it done
“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo
Will shove that gun right up your arse,
When he finishes playing the piano”
ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?
Are you wearing a little black dress?
In the coco channel style to impress
Even though it’s a very classic gown
You look more like Coco the clown
AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS
At Stonehenge, the druids
Exchange bodily fluids
At the temple to the sun
As the solstice begun
Dressed up like loons
And barking at the moon
A Little Bit Of Humour # 28
TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
So say to the men in blue
“You don’t need to check
In the boot do you?”
MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2
My Dad doesn’t go to the gym
And he hasn’t yet come unstuck
As he gets all the exercise he needs
Entirely by pushing my luck
I’VE GOT AN AD IN THE LONELY HEARTS
I’ve got an ad in the “lonely hearts”
“Wife wanted” is how it starts
I’ve had loads of replies, which is fine
But they all say “You can have mine”
MY BROTHER SAYS HIS WIFE IS AN ANGEL
My brother says his wife is an angel
He is deliriously happy with things
I think he’s lucky as I can’t wait
To have mine fitted for her wings
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY CONTENTED LIFE
The secret to a happy contented life
Should you ever decide, to take a wife
Whenever you are wrong, admit it
Whenever you are right just shut it
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS CAN BE TRICKY
Remembering birthdays can be tricky
And forgetting can leave the wicket sticky
The best way to remember an important date
Is to forget it - but just the one time mate
ELECTRONIC BANKING # 1
Electronic banking
Is a wonderful thing
Lightning fast transfers
In the modern age
Though not the fastest
By any shape or means
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than marriage
TWO SIDES OF THE SAME TUPPENCE
My wife and I are like
Two sides of the same tuppence
We can’t face each other
So I guess we got our comeuppance
FORGIVENESS IS THE FORMULA
Forgiveness is the formula
For a marriage happy and long
So my wife always forgives me
Especially when she's wrong
IN ORDER TO DO GREAT THINGS
In order to do great things
A woman must inspire him
While simultaneously
Preventing his achieving them
TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But don’t say to the men in blue
“Well in order to catch me
You must have been speeding too”
ARE YOU WEARING VESTMENTS?
Are you wearing vestments?
Oh reverend Katie
You know they should
Be hanging in the vestry
When the service is over
That’s where they should be
But for my birthday treat
You’ve kept it on for me
And now I get to unwrap
The reverend Katie
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
So say to the men in blue
“You don’t need to check
In the boot do you?”
MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2
My Dad doesn’t go to the gym
And he hasn’t yet come unstuck
As he gets all the exercise he needs
Entirely by pushing my luck
I’VE GOT AN AD IN THE LONELY HEARTS
I’ve got an ad in the “lonely hearts”
“Wife wanted” is how it starts
I’ve had loads of replies, which is fine
But they all say “You can have mine”
MY BROTHER SAYS HIS WIFE IS AN ANGEL
My brother says his wife is an angel
He is deliriously happy with things
I think he’s lucky as I can’t wait
To have mine fitted for her wings
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY CONTENTED LIFE
The secret to a happy contented life
Should you ever decide, to take a wife
Whenever you are wrong, admit it
Whenever you are right just shut it
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS CAN BE TRICKY
Remembering birthdays can be tricky
And forgetting can leave the wicket sticky
The best way to remember an important date
Is to forget it - but just the one time mate
ELECTRONIC BANKING # 1
Electronic banking
Is a wonderful thing
Lightning fast transfers
In the modern age
Though not the fastest
By any shape or means
Nothing transfers funds
Faster than marriage
TWO SIDES OF THE SAME TUPPENCE
My wife and I are like
Two sides of the same tuppence
We can’t face each other
So I guess we got our comeuppance
FORGIVENESS IS THE FORMULA
Forgiveness is the formula
For a marriage happy and long
So my wife always forgives me
Especially when she's wrong
IN ORDER TO DO GREAT THINGS
In order to do great things
A woman must inspire him
While simultaneously
Preventing his achieving them
TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON
Sometimes you can talk
Your way out of a ticket
A little bit of charm
Is probably the safest bet
Humour can work as well
But don’t say to the men in blue
“Well in order to catch me
You must have been speeding too”
ARE YOU WEARING VESTMENTS?
Are you wearing vestments?
Oh reverend Katie
You know they should
Be hanging in the vestry
When the service is over
That’s where they should be
But for my birthday treat
You’ve kept it on for me
And now I get to unwrap
The reverend Katie
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