Two men were talking in a bar
One man asked the
other one
“Do you ever look at
your wife’s face?
When you’re giving her
one”
“I did once and saw
the anger in her face
It made me shrivel up
down below”
“Why anger?” Asked the
other man
“Because she was
watching through the window”
“Mum, Mum you have to help me,
My husband Billy
He’s running around
the house
Screaming hysterically
With blood dripping
out of him
And I can see his brain”
“Ok don’t panic, take
a deep breath
And then shoot him
again”
A man and woman were talking
When the man asked her
a question
“You know men have
many terms
For the act of male
masturbation?
A hand shandy, choking
the chicken
A knuckle shuffle, Jerking
off
Beating the meat,
having a tug
Bashing the bishop, Jacking
off
Glopping or pulling
the pudding
Knocking one out,
having a wank
Performing an organ
solo
Or giving the monkey a
spank”
“Well, that’s because
men are pigs”
She replied in a
disgusted scoff
So, what do women call
female masturbation
She replied,
“Finishing off”
“Hi, I’m John” the caller said
“Am I speaking with
Donnie?”
He was a call center
dude
The original foreign
Johnny
One Monday morning two guys
We’re talking in the
coffee room
One had that Monday
morning feeling
The other had no such
gloom
“What are you so happy
about?”
The misery asked his
friend
“Well as a matter of
fact I had
The most fantastic weekend”
“You know I live by
the railway?
Well on my way home
Friday night
I noticed a girl tied
to the tracks
At first it gave me a
bit of a fright”
“But I rescued the
damsel in distress
Just like a Hollywood
movie hero
And took her back to
my place
Where one thing led to
another you know”
“And we made love all
weekend
In every position you
can name
In every room, we did
the lot
Then we did it all
over again”
“That’s what I’m so
happy about?”
“Your lucky swine” his
friend said
“Was she pretty, was
she a looker”?
“I don’t know I never
found her head”
I asked my brother why he was so fat
I think perhaps that
was a mistake
Because he said,
“every time I shag your wife
She gives me a slice
of cake
The moment I entered her
I felt reasonable sure
I’d either just broken
her hymen
Or she still had her
tights on
