Sunday, 12 September 2021

Uncanny Tales – (23) A Fair Cop

 

They were stood in the old wooden bus shelter by the village green just after midnight in the depths of a passionate kiss.

Lynda Godfrey and Steve Smith had only met that evening at Cassie’s 18th birthday party.

Lyn and Cass had always lived in the village and had been friends since forever.

Steve on the other hand was the new boy in town and he and Lyn hit it off from the start.

“I have a confession to make,” Lynda said a few minutes after Steve had un-cupped her breasts.

“What’s that?” he asked her without relinquishing his hold on her Charlie’s

“My dad's the village policeman” she said
“Really?” he asked

“Really” she confirmed

“Well it’s a fair cop” he said and gave her breast a squeeze and then laughed uncontrollably because he was copping a feel of the village Copper’s daughter.

“So you think they’re fair do you?” she said

“Yes” he replied and then corrected himself “No, I don’t know”

Inexplicably, to Steve’s way of thinking, she put her breasts away and slapped at his hand as he tried to free them again.

“They are better than fair” she said sharply “by a long way”

“You’re absolutely right” he said groveling “They’re fabulous” 

“Humph” she exclaimed and zipped up her coat

“Oh come on Lyn” Steve said “Don’t hide your lovely boobs away”

And he tried again to regain access to her goodies but Lynda sidestepped his lunge and snapped a pink fluffy handcuff on his wrist.

“Stephen Kenneth Smith I am arresting you for inappropriate laughter during a sexual act”

Steve’s reaction was to try and escape but Lynda’s dad had trained her in self-defense and restraint techniques and she applied the latter on his wrist and almost made him cry out in pain.

“Ok, ok” he begged “I surrender”

“Good boy” she said patronizingly

“Where are you taking me?” Steve asked

“To the police house of course” she replied

“Can’t we stay here instead?” he asked

“No we can’t” she replied

“Why?” he simpered

“Because my Dad’s on duty tonight and I don’t want him to catch me doing what I want to do to you in a bus shelter” Lynda replied

“When I could be doing it at the police house in private”

This statement was accompanied by the arrival of her spare hand on his crotch.

“So are you going to come quietly sir?” she asked and kissed his cheek

“It depends on what you plan to do” he said hesitantly

“Well to begin with I’m going to handcuff you to the bed and blow your whistle”

“I can’t promise to be quiet” he confessed “but I won’t offer any resistance”

GETTING ON # 13

 

You know that you have

Become an older chap

When your “happy hour”

Is spent taking a nap

HE SURVIVED MUSTARD GAS IN BATTLE

 

He survived mustard gas in battle,

He was pepper sprayed by a policeman

And the result of those traumatic events

He was rendered a seasoned veteran

SWITZERLAND

 

I’m not sure what the best thing is

About Switzerland, and I’m not fussed

I don’t know enough about the country

I do like the flag, so that’s a big plus

CHEETAH AND LION

I saw a cheetah being

Chatted up by a Lion

I thought, “He’s trying

To pull a fast one"

IN THE EIGHTIES I USED TO SUPPLY

In the eighties I used to supply

Filofaxes to the mafia at the time

I suppose you could say I was

Involved in very organised crime 

A CEMENT MIXER COLLIDED WITH A PRISON VAN

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van

And the incident was critical

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout

For sixteen hardened criminals