I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN

If you have begun to tire

Of being the object of men’s desire

Not of being attractive per se

But being hit upon in that way

Just tell them your incompatible

Because you are not inflatable

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

The instructions

On my new stick deodorant read

Remove cap

And push up bottom. It said

I complied with the instructions

And it made my eyes water

I had difficulty walking

I had to grip my buttocks taughter

But when I had to fart

I did so quite softly

And noticed at once

That the room smelt lovely

I DO DRINK COFFEE

 

I do drink Coffee

But it’s not a favourite of mine

It doesn’t fill me with cheer

 

It just fills in the time

Until it’s socially acceptable

To start drinking beer

SUNFLOWER

In an attempt to change my lifestyle

I became a vegetarian, well for a while

But for me it didn’t suit, and wasn’t right

Because I kept leaning towards sunlight 

LIVE BY THE CODE

 Here is a code by which to live your life

Never hit on a mate’s girlfriend or wife

There are quite enough women to go round

A woman of your own can easily be found

So, remember this code and never submit

Unless of course she actually incredibly fit

AG THE UG

 

Agnes, poor girl was not very pretty

But to call her plain would be a pity

And unfair to plain girls far and wide

In short Agnes was on the ugly side

When she was delivered by the midwife

The father saw only a precious new life

But the nurse saw an ugly little scrap

As she held up the poor child to slap

She stopped and lay Agnes on the bed

And then slapped both parents instead

Many years later came her wedding day

Her looks had not improved in any way 

And when the ceremonial side was done

The bridegroom was kissed by everyone

Even the groom hesitated to kiss his bride

But frightful Agnes was not to be denied

So what was it the bridegroom saw in her

Perhaps it was her father the millionaire

DAIRY FAIRY

 

I heard in the village shop today

That our milkman Malcolm is gay

No one apparently seemed to mind

And he’s never left an empty behind