LIVE BY THE CODE

 Here is a code by which to live your life

Never hit on a mate’s girlfriend or wife

There are quite enough women to go round

A woman of your own can easily be found

So, remember this code and never submit

Unless of course she actually incredibly fit

AG THE UG

 

Agnes, poor girl was not very pretty

But to call her plain would be a pity

And unfair to plain girls far and wide

In short Agnes was on the ugly side

When she was delivered by the midwife

The father saw only a precious new life

But the nurse saw an ugly little scrap

As she held up the poor child to slap

She stopped and lay Agnes on the bed

And then slapped both parents instead

Many years later came her wedding day

Her looks had not improved in any way 

And when the ceremonial side was done

The bridegroom was kissed by everyone

Even the groom hesitated to kiss his bride

But frightful Agnes was not to be denied

So what was it the bridegroom saw in her

Perhaps it was her father the millionaire

DAIRY FAIRY

 

I heard in the village shop today

That our milkman Malcolm is gay

No one apparently seemed to mind

And he’s never left an empty behind

WHERE’S THE BLOODY TORCH

 

“Where’s the bloody Torch?”

My wife asked angrily

“I don’t know where it is

Perhaps you could enlighten me”

“Well not without the Torch”

I replied curtly

DO YOU WANT BABY SPINACH

“Do you want Baby Spinach?

Or Water Cress Dad”

My daughter asked me

And I went completely mad

“For God’s sake just choose one

It’s not Rocket Salad”

IT’S NOT THE ANGLE OF DANGLE

 

It’s not the angle of dangle

That’s the measure of pleasure

It’s the moments in the afterglow

That we ultimately treasure

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S WORKING CLASS

 

My girlfriend says she’s working class

And I just have to laugh

As not one of them as far as I can see

Has ever worked in her family