A Little Bit Of Humour # 106

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 9

When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes

BANANA IS AN ACRONYM

BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO

I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me

I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad

ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?

“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”

WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY

Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal

NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL

Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night

CORBYN!

Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga

A Little Bit Of Humour # 105

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 8

We had to line up outside
To catch the sightseeing boat
And there was no air-conditioning
Not even when we got afloat

ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM

ADIDAS is an acronym for
"All day I dream about sex"
And by the time I get to bed
I’m suffering from the effects

IT’S TEN YEARS, ALMOST TO THE DAY

Its ten years, almost to the day
Since I decided to marry my wife
And marrying her was the last
Decision I made in my life

PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE

Perception and perspective
That’s life and all about it
Although I suppose it would
Depend on how you look at it

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM

I wanted to write a book about feminism
About women achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn't let me

THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS

The wearing of odd coloured socks
Is considered quirky by the youth
For adulthood it’s a bit hipster
But for seniors its dementia in truth

THERE MIGHT WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There might well be, as they say
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a soul
I'm left holding my pole

A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED

A major new Biopic is planned
So British film fans stand by
It is about Greggs the Bakers
It will be called “The Life of Pie”

TO MANY THE TIME ARRIVES

To many the time arrives
To take stock of their lives
But it’s nothing I condone
So leave your livestock alone

THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW

The brick road is yellow
In Oz because, because
Of the insanitary habits
Of the Wizzer of Oz

A Little Bit Of Humour # 104

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 7

When we were in Spain there
Were a lot of foreigner there
And they all spoke Spanish
Which I don’t think is fair

WASP IS AN ACRONYM

WASP is an acronym for
"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant"
The target demographic for UKIP
And Nigel Farage has their scent

I WAS CAMPING OUT AT THE WEEKEND

I was camping out at the weekend
In the evergreen forests of Caledonia
But I was confused when I discovered
The pine trees smelt of air freshener

I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW

I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow
Just another boring gardening talk
But I was wrong, it was totally enthralling
Next week’s position is the crab walk

I VISITED NIGEL FARAGE’S GARDEN

I visited Nigel Farage’s garden
Well it was hardly National Trust
The patch of lawn was really shit
But the borders were very robust

MY GARDENER HAS OCD

My gardener has OCD
His herb beds are alphabetized
I asked how he found the time
“It’s next to the Sage” he replied

MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM

My sister is a giant in journalism
And her prowess is eternal
Standing over six feet high
She’s on the Tall Street Journal

WHY ARE PIDGEON’S GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS?

Why are Pidgeon’s great baseball players?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well it’s obvious when you think about it
It’s because they always make it home

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT INDEPENDENCE

I wanted to write a book about independence
About people achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my mum wouldn't let me

WE HAVE TWO THINGS IN OUR TOWN

We have two things in our town
Pharmaceuticals and Speedway
The latter has fast and furious thrills
But they don’t use bikes by the way

A Little Bit Of Humour # 103

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes

BOOF IS AN ACRONYM

BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start

VAGAZZLING

Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay

I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE

I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating

IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL

It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1

I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport

A Little Bit Of Humour # 102

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 5

We flew to the West Indies
It took nine hours to get there
It took the Americans three hours
This seems very unfair

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5

We requested a twin bed room
But we ended up with a king size
As a result my wife is pregnant
So that was a nice holiday surprise

CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM

CRAFT is an acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
And it’s an Acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”

WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX

We went to the local Multiplex
To watch a film called “Anticlimax”
I would have left early if I could
Although the first part was good

MY GIRLFRIEND PASSED OUT

My girlfriend passed out
On the “merry go round”
But she’s alright now, as
What goes around comes around

MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT

My uncle’s favourite treat
Is Millionaire’s shortbread
But since he won the lottery
He just calls it shortbread

BEFORE THE WALL CAME DOWN

Before the wall came down, the
East was all about the Warsaw Pact
But since it was demolished, now
The East is empty and that’s a fact

I KNOW THAT PETTY CRIME IS RIFE

I know that petty crime is rife
But how did it come to this
Someone stole my urine sample
And that’s taking the piss

YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING

You can train animals to do anything
I don’t know where it will stop
We have a Pole dancing sheep
In the window of the kebab shop

AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK

After many years of hard work
Dedication, and repetitive training
Honing my craft at small events
Being informative and entertaining

So when the Olympics came around
My confidence was brimming
But I still ended up commentating
On the synchronized swimming

A Little Bit Of Humour # 101

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 4

We went to Spain on Holiday
But we didn’t like it a bit
The local supermarket
Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4

When we were on holiday
We went swimming in the sea
No-one said there would be fish
The kids found it very scary
DILF IS AN ACRONYM

DILF is an acronym for
“Dad I’d like to fuck”
I got one that says
“Who’s the daddy”, just my luck

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

What is an Australian kiss?
Do you ever wonder?
Well it’s the same as a French kiss,
Only it’s down under.

THE PAPILLION AFFAIR

My friends happened to mention that
They didn’t particularly like butterflies
And my parents lost it completely,
Not caring for wherefores or whys
My friends became persona non grata
Treated as if they were evil Visigoths
It wasn’t as if they harmed butterflies
They just thought them arrogant Moths

THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY

The big sale starts today,
30% Reduction Friday
Which comes the day after
50% increase Thursday

TURN ON COUNTDOWN

Last night I was watching Countdown
And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown
When I told my wife, where I am housed
That when watching Rachel I got Aroused
I could tell that I had let down my guard
Her instant response was to slap me, hard
She slapped me unconscious how absurd
And all I did was get a seven-letter word

POSTMAN LOSES SACK

“Postman loses sack”
The crossword-er said
How many letters?
A listener wondered
The former replied
About 500

THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES

The head of global sales
Bought a new kitten today
And when he took it home
He took it to the litter tray
And then he said “let’s not
Think outside the box, ok”

THE ONLY GOOD THING

The only good thing
About the end of Wimbledon
Is it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

A Little Bit Of Humour # 100

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 3

We went on holiday to Spain
But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier
The shops closed in the afternoon
I ran out of fags during the Siesta

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3

Topless sunbathing on the beach
Should be universally banned
My husband finds it distracting
And can’t relax as he planned

MILF IS AN ACRONYM

MILF is an acronym for
“Mum I’d like to fuck”
But I’d end up with a Mother
Superior knowing my luck

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT A SELFIE STICK

When I first heard about a selfie stick
I thought to myself “that sounds good”
But when I eventually got to see one
It was obvious I had misunderstood

I HAD BREAKFAST WITH AN ORNITHOLOGIST

I had breakfast with an Ornithologist
And I thought the waiter made a mistake
But it turned out it was me who was wrong
He really had ordered some Corn Crake

THE TRUTH ABOUT CANDY CRUSH

When I first heard the name mentioned
I had a flash back to tell the truth
I was convinced that Candy Crush
Was a minor porn star from my youth

I AM A QUITE REMARKABLE PERSON

I am a quite remarkable person
And that’s a matter of fact
But the trouble with being fantastic
Is that Opposites attract

THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY

The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always wondered why
As they have three patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a better PR guy

HE WAS NOT BLESSED WITH LOOKS

He was not blessed with looks
And had a look to be pitied
He had a face like a fit, but
You couldn’t tell what it fitted

HIS FEATURES WERE AT ODDS

His features were at odds
Individually each was a quirk
His face didn’t seem to understand
The value of teamwork

NEGLECTED WIFE

She was a good wife but was neglected
She had no marital attention paid
Her husband was always in the pub
Blowing the froth off another barmaid