A Little Bit Of Humour # 68

ON THE QUESTION OF INDEPENDENCE

On the question of independence
This is what I truly believe
The people of England, really
Don’t care if Scotland leave

ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

On the question of Scottish independence
They’ve worded it the wrong way
Don’t ask the scots if they want to go
Ask the English if we want them to stay

THE POETIC PAM AYRES

The poetic Pam Ayres
Wrote verse with a gag
And I think she looks
Like Benny Hill in drag

THE WATER FEATURE

Running Water is so therapeutic
It seems to Wash away your cares
However the exception to the rule
Is when it’s running down the stairs

LIDL

Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors
And has been raised to the floor
To build a new Lidl superstore
Which won’t be so Lidl anymore

CHINESE FAST FOOD

We went out to pick up
A Chinese takeaway
But we were skint so we did
A Chinese Runaway

I SOLD THE VACUUM CLEANER

I sold the vacuum cleaner
I wasn’t really fussed
After all at the end of the day
It was just collecting dust

MY UNCLE COLLECTS WILD ANIMALS

My uncle collects wild animals
He’s the strangest bloke I’ve met
I offered him a really fat badger
He said no “as it didn’t fit in his set”

I SCOURED THE LATEST GLOSSY MAGS

I scoured the latest glossy mags
In search of some fashion-ism
To give some indication as to what
One wears for casual racism

I MET AN INTERESTING GIRL AT A PARTY

I met an interesting girl at a party
At first I admired her from afar
She claimed that just by knowing
The make of an individual’s car
She could discern their personality
Apparently I shouldn’t own a car

I WAS BULLIED VERY BADLY AT SCHOOL

I was bullied very badly at school
To it, my mind reluctantly returns,
I was hospitalized on one occasion
With full thickness Chinese burns

Spiritual Stuff

THE LIFE THOU GAVEST LORD IS ENDING

The life thou gavest Lord is ending
The darkness falls at Thy behest
And I know that I am bound
For my expected eternal rest

Please one last time let me kiss
My loved ones once or twice
And let me just say goodbye
Before I cross over to paradise

OPEN UP YOUR BARREN HEART

Open up your barren heart
Light a candle in the dark
And the shepherd of the light
Will stand for the righteous fight
The shining prince of peace
Shining like the Golden Fleece
Oh lamb of God, oh perfect light
Will banish evil from the night

THE GOOD AGAINST THE EVIL

The good against the evil
The great against the least
The light against the darkness
The lamb against the beast

PURE WHITE DOVE

Pure white dove
Rare of wonder
Shouts to the world
Loud as thunder

LIGHT OF THE WORLD

Light of the world
Light of your heart
Light of glory
Light against the dark
WHAT’S THE STORY?

What’s the story?
God of glory
Watching over us
It is forever thus

THE VICARIOUS VICAR

The Reverend Hinton
Brought many couples,
Efficiently and Happily
Through their nuptials

And he was content
Experiencing happiness
Thru the couples he joined
But felt alone nonetheless

For at the end of the day
He went on his own
To his empty vicarage
And sat home alone

Tales of Love # 16

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 5

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If they gave out medals
Just for love untold
You would get the bronze
Silver and Gold

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (14)

I’ve climbed the Himalayan Mountains
And walked the great lakes shore
I’ve seen the exotic Land of Smiles
And watched the glaciers thaw
But I came to the clear conclusion
I can’t live without you anymore

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 7

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If I blew a single kiss
Into a typhoon
Only when they found it
Would I stop loving you

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (15)

From the Anatolian salt springs
To Lake Victoria and the falls
From Mount St Helens volcano
To where the Pacific Ocean calls
Searching every corner of the world
Looking for one who enthrals

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 8

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If I dropped a grain of sand
Onto a desert dune
Only when they found it
Would I stop loving you

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (16)

I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Now my youthful wanderlust is done
As I discovered something fundamental
Now I know that you are the only one

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 9

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
Without you in it, my world
Is monochrome
But your love colors it
With every conceivable tone

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 10

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
Without you in my world
My cup is empty
But your love fills me
To the brim you see

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 11

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a delicacy
Then I would say you are
Without a doubt
Beluga caviar

Tales of Love # 15

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 3

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If they made a sport of loveliness
You would be the championess

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (11)

I’ve sailed around the Cape of Good Hope
Where the two great oceans meet
I’ve sailed from the stormy southern isles
In the winter through the rain and sleet
I did all this and more for a reason,
The moment when we would meet

WHEN THE RAIN FALLS

When the rain falls
Look for the rainbows
When darkness falls
Look for the stars
When your love falls
You can look for me

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 4

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a heavenly star
You would be the brightest by far

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (12)

I’ve walked the Mongolian steppes
And felt the desert heat of the Sahara
I’ve climbed Virginias Blue Ridge
And felt the coolness of Niagara
But every step was worth it
Because it delivered me to Sara

ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE

All of my adult life
I have been searching and
Eureka! I have the answer
I have finally worked it out

I shouldn’t be looking for
Someone I can live with
I should be looking for
Someone I can’t live without

TIME TICKS

Time ticks
Hearts beat
Butterflies,
When they meet

Time flies
Fast pace
Love grows
Heart beats race

All too soon
Alone again
Hour glasses empties
Grain by grain

Time ticks
Time flies
Only time now
For goodbyes

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 6

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a drink
Then I would say
I think that
You would be Moet

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (13)

I’ve sailed from the Bell Rock Light House
Where the North Sea swells
And to the Newfoundland grand banks
Where the hardy mariner dwells
But on my own it was so unfulfilling
Having you with me is what tells

Tales of Love # 14

EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (9)

From the stormy southern isles
To the exotic land of smiles
I will carry with me a constant love
Over the distant countless miles

WHEN I LOST YOU, I FELT DEAD TOO

When I lost you, I felt dead too
Apart from the constant empty pain
All I can do now is carry on living
Until the day I feel alive again

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 1

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a pop song being sung
You would be number one

LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH ME

Leave this world with me
And together you and I,
Will discover the universe
And explore the heavens
Until our souls forever join

IN THAT EXQUISITE PLACE

In that exquisite place,
Lying between
Sleep and wakefulness,
Night and day,
Fantasy and reality.
And not knowing
As senses heighten
If it’s a vivid dream
Or a sensual reality.
It is shear ecstasy

AWE AND WONDER

Awe and wonder
Fills my heart
As I stare at her,
I dream a dream
Of what could be
One day,
She could be mine,
Or maybe not
But it costs me nothing
Just to dream

ON THE HUMID EVENING

On the humid evening
The heady cloying perfume
Of red camellias
Filled the air
Confusing the senses
And amidst the scent of desire
I found in the moonlight
I was falling in love with her

A MOST GRIEVOUS SIN

A most grievous sin
To depucelate the purity
To sully and deflower,
Without the beauty of love
As an accompaniment.
Such deprivation of innocence
To taint and corrupt
And conspire in her defiling
Without romantic love
Is the province of the beast

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 2

I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a movie blockbuster
You would win the Oscar
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (10)

I’ve seen the distant far pavilions
And the land of the rising sun
I’ve seen Tierra del Fuego
And where all life was begun
I’ve seen the Pyramids of Giza
But now my travels are done
I’ve found what I’ve sought
And you my love are the one

True Nature # 4

NORTH WESTERN MISSION BELLS

The Mission bells
Blooming herb
Of the north western states
With green-and-purple
Bell-shaped flowers

SOUTH WESTERN MISSION BELL

The Mission bells
Blooming herb
Of the south-western States
With dark purple
Bell-shaped flowers
Mottled with green

CALIFORNIA YELLOW BELLS

California Yellow bells
Inhabiting the arid places
With pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert

YELLOW BELLS

The Yellow bells
The viscid herb
Inhabiting the arid places
With its sticky leaves
And pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
Of the south-western states

WHISPERING BELLS

Whispering bells
The viscid herb
Inhabiting the arid places
With its sticky leaves
And pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
Of the south-western states

SWEET BELLS

Sweet bells
Long racemes
Of pinkish flowers
Abundant on
Bushy Deciduous shrubs
Across eastern States

PEACH BELLS

Peach Bells
European perennial
Bellflower with racemose
Of white or blue

BROWN BELLS

Brown bells
Californian herb
With brownish-purple
Bell-shaped flowers

OUR HOUSE WAS POOR

Our house was poor
But the land was rich
Mother Nature’s
Bountiful abundance
Rich in leaf and bud
Enriched in flowers
Many a summers’ day
I lay amongst grasses
And the wild flower stems
In scented meadows
That leaves me dazed
As the summer sun
Set alight the burning gem’s

THE WIND IN THE TREES

The wind in the trees
Sang a sad song
A plaintive sound
Like a crying child
And as it blew through
The crying leaves
On the rainy morn
Shed tears that fell
To the forest floor

TRANQUILLITY DESCENDS

Tranquillity descends
And sunshine reigns
When the storm abates
And peace remains

BETWEEN THE SEASONS

Although the sun
Shone high
In the dying
Summer sky
The east wind,
Strong and shrill
Carried in an
Early autumn chill

DARK CLOUDS CONCEALED

Dark clouds concealed
The firmament
The moon and stars
Still shone
Though not apparent
And heavens jewels
Remained, unseen

DAYLIGHT WAS DECLINING

Daylight was declining
As twilight loomed
As behind the horizon
The sun was consumed

WIND AND TEMPEST

Wind and tempest
Rain and flood
The chimney falls
With a thud
After the lightning storm
And booming thunder
Uprooted trees
Roofs torn asunder
But in the calm
As we convalesce
In the aftermath
There is a cleanness

A Little Bit Of Humour # 67

IT'S NATURAL TO BECOME QUIETER AS WE AGE

It's natural to become quieter as we age
It’s just another old age sin
It’s not easy to talk at the same time
As holding your stomach in

BIRTHDAY TELEGRAM

Bad news, Her Majesty isn't sending you
A telegram this year, but don’t despair
There is nothing to be concerned about
She's happy to know you're halfway there

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, 2014

The Scottish Nationalists
Want to go for independence
Which is their prerogative
I am filled with indifference
Go or stay I don’t care
Its Scotland’s decision
As long as it’s a well informed
Choice for the division
But dear Alex Salmond
Is one of the arrogant asses
Views everything English
Thru Tartan tinted glasses

Thursday 18 September 2014.

THE CILLIT BANG GUY

The Cillit Bang guy is
Punting it out here and there
So is Barry Scott now
A soap scum millionaire

THE GIRL WAS PIGEON CHESTED

The girl was pigeon chested
Which wasn't obvious to begin
But once I got her bra off
Both her nipples pointed in

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Chocolate coated raisins
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day

COUGHS AND SNEEZES

Coughs and sneezes
Spread diseases
Colds and flu
And nasty wheezes
So protect against
Coughs and sneezes
There is one thing
That helps and eases
Have a smoke
To help the wheezes
Choose any brand
Pick one that pleases
So do not fear
Coughs and sneezes
Because smoking stops
Them spreading diseases

It’s alright I haven’t gone mad I was prompted to right this by Bee, who pointed out how strange it was how perceptions of things change over time.
For example Cigarettes were marketed in the 19th century as a cure for amongst other things Asthma and Catarrh.
Now we no different

I KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY OLD

I know that you’re really old
But your aging appears static
Which means you must have
A portrait hanging in the attic

JOHN BERCOW

John Bercow has
Got on his high horse
Regarding height-ism
Well I say high horse

I LOVE FOOT PUMPS

I love foot pumps
I think they are really neat
And are particularly good
If you have flat feet

YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THIRTY

You have made it to thirty
And I would just like to say
I have no words of comfort
It IS downhill all the way

YOU ARE 50 YEARS OLD

You are 50 years old
And if I may be so bold
Despite what you were told
The emphasis is on the old

GOOD BYE SCOTLAND GOODBYE

Good Bye Scotland goodbye
Good bye Scotland don't cry
That little Nationalist train
that makes me
Quite happy, no words can tell how glad it makes me
Go now Scotland and then,
We’ll wave goodbye once again.
Hear us all cheer
Without a tear
And if it all goes wrong don’t come back in a year
Good Bye Scotland goodbye.
Good bye Scotland don't cry.

Sung to the tune of Toot Toot Tootsie

THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S

The Chocolate Strawberry’s
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included