A Little Bit Of Humour # 19

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 5

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
What if I end up in Capable
I find that that’s often where I go

WHEN I LAND A REAL PRIZE WINNING FISH

When I land a real prize winning fish
It’s like meeting a bird that’s really fit
I am filled with the same indecision
I don’t know whether to eat it or mount it

OUR SCARECROW WON FIRST PRIZE

Our scarecrow won first prize
When the winner was revealed
The judges at the county show
Thought it outstanding in its field

A FOREST FIRE CAN START

A forest fire can easily start
With a match you carelessly threw
Yet it can take a whole box
To light your BBQ

PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
You might try to ascertain
And then you could continue
“Or should I walk by again?”

THE CARPENTERS

My wife said to me
Let’s play carpenter’s
So we got hammered
Then I'll nail her

I WENT TO MY VEG PLOT TO CHECK

I went to my veg plot to check
On my tender little darlings
And heartbreakingly I found
Decimation of my seedlings

The perpetrators are self-evident
By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze
And I could tell they had help
Due to the clearly visible Snail trail

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

Racing through on the green
Breaking hard on the red
Foot dallying on the amber
Before belting across instead

I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM

I wanted to donate sperm
But there was a difficulty
I couldn’t perform
As the surroundings were iffy
Then I found you could do it by post
And I came in a jiffy

I PICKED UP A GIRL AND WENT BACK TO HERS

I picked up a girl and went back to hers
But I was struck by impotency
She was very understanding and said
“That used to happen to me”

WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN

When Albert Einstein
Tugged on his penis
It was widely regarded
As a stroke of genius

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS I BET

You’ll never guess I bet
What it is that you get
If you cross the Atlantic
With the RMS Titanic?
Do you give in? Can I say?
Ok then “About half way”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 18

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I have never been in Flexible
But I really don’t know
I think it’s important to stand firm
So I would have to say no

ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?

Are you wearing lederhosen?
Well that’s a look you could lose
And they make your buttocks squeak
Like a pair of new shoes

MY DOG MUST BE MUSICAL

My dog must be musical
What rubbish I hear you groan
But he must be I tell you
As I saw him eating a trombone

I’M WORRIED ABOUT ONE OF MY HENS

I’m worried about one of my hens
There’s something wrong with Megs
I think she must have been possessed
As she keeps laying Devilled eggs

ARE YOU WEARING A DIADEM?

Are you wearing a diadem?
Why are you some kind of princess?
No you actually have to be royalty
Not just daddy’s little princess

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing baggy dungarees?
Oh yes they’re the bee’s knees
And I can get inside them with ease
In fact I can have them round your knees
Quicker than you can sneeze
Oh yes I like your baggy dungarees

ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?

Are you wearing brut?
How 1970s of you
And it smells as if
You splashed it all over too

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?

Are you wearing denim?
I didn’t know you could still buy it
It’s just like I remember
And it still smells like shit

WHY UNITED?

My mate asked me why
I’m a United fan
I replied that it was
Because my brother Dan
Supported the Reds,
Also my dad was a United man
And my mum was a
Lifelong United fan
So that was why I was also
A Man United fan

“That’s ridiculous” he said
“What if your brother was a thug?
Your mum was a prostitute
And your dad was on drugs
What would you be then?
You poor misguided fool?”
“Well obviously” I replied
“Then I'd support Liverpool”

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
The people suffered poverty and starvation
All the inhabitant had to live in their cars
It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that there was very little doubt
His colleagues called him the station cat
Because on rainy nights he never went out

A Little Bit Of Humour # 17

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 3

When my girlfriend suggested
We play Doctors and Nurses
I was up for it even when
She told me about the role reverses

But when I dressed up in a uniform
With a starched white apron
She buggered off to play
Eighteen holes with a surgeon

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE LIPSTICK?

Are you wearing blue lipstick?
Then you must be a Dutch chick
Because I’ve heard the song Ma’am
About blue lips from Amsterdam

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I will probably be in Doubt
It’s not for frequent flyers though
Its destination I’m unsure of
In fact I’m not sure I want to go

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation

THE RED HOUSE

I met her in the Red House
When she gave me the eye
I gave her an appraising look
And thought I’d give her a try
I knew my luck was in when
She was unbuttoning my fly

ANNA WAS A GOOD TIME GIRL

Anna was a good time girl
In fact she really had a ball
And we called her Anna Glypta
As she liked it up against the wall

I REMEMBER LIKE YESTERDAY

I remember like yesterday
That cold and crispy morn
And just how proud I felt
On the day my son was born

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 300

Baa Baa black sheep
Have you any wool?
Please say yes sir
To make my wagon full

No I don’t have any wool
You bloody Wally
I’m not a sheep
I’m your Border Collie

TOM SHARPE RIP

He wrote Vintage Stuff
Of Riotous Assembly
And Indecent Exposure
He liked his Porterhouse Blue
In The Great Pursuit
And was no Blott on the landscape
Nor was he The Throwback
With Ancestral Vices
And in the end he didn’t die
It was just a simple case of Wilt

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE

It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy three
And I’m fit as a fiddle, nothing wrong with me
Although my memory's not like it used to be
And also my memory's not like it used to be

MY WIFE SAID I WAS NOT MYSELF TODAY

My wife said I was not myself today
Which I thought was a funny thing to say
But then she went on to say to me
She noticed the improvement immediately

GROWING OLD TOGETHER

Growing old together
Is not an easy trip
In fact as time goes by
It’s just a pain in the hip

A Little Bit Of Humour # 16

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 2

When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But she gave me an enema
And now I don’t want
To play anymore

ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?

Are you wearing a spacesuit?
Good that makes two of us
Because I'm an astronaut and
My mission is to explore Uranus

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I would like to go to Conclusions
But you have to jump there, so
As I can’t do much physical activity
I would have to reluctantly say no

HEALING HANDS

Jesus cured all the sick and the lame
Apart from one scruffy man at the back
Jesus gestured him to come forward
“No way” he said “I'm on disability wack”

I LOVE CELEBRATING FATHER'S DAY

I love celebrating Father's day
With my sons and daughters
Though I do realize it can cause
Confusion in certain quarters

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 301

Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the others escaped unscathed

EATING WITH THE INLAWS

An evening spent
With my wife’s family
Is good food and wine
And gracious hostility

I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT

I went to the movies last night
And watched a really good thriller
About a man poisoning the Cornflakes
Who turned out to be a cereal killer

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS

You should never raise
Your hands to your children
And for that, there
Is a very good reason
Not that I’m saying
They shouldn’t be corrected
But you must never
Leave your nuts unprotected

SURPRISE YOUR DAD ON FATHER’S DAY

Surprise your dad on Father’s Day
Asking him for advice should do it
And if you really want to surprise him
You should actually accept it

MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER

Mum knitted me a jumper
I hate wearing I as I look silly
But I’m a kid so I have to
Especially when mum feels chilly

IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS

It’s just as well that Jesus
Wasn’t born today to be fair
As there aren’t 3 wise men
And a virgin anywhere

A Little Bit Of Humour # 15

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1

When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor

But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor

ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?

Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal

PUT DOWN # 49

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration

When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”

I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB

I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability

“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”

"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"

So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb

But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”

RED HAT

She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that

She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”

RED NOSE

He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery

THE RED LION

I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow

As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true

Variety # 3

CATCH OF THE DAY

With my fishing line of gold,
Hook, baited with pearls
I cast into the waters
As the ebb tide swirls
To catch myself one
Of the underwater girls
And land a pretty mermaid
With seaweed in her curls

THE ENDLESS PAVEMENT

The endless pavement
Eats away the leather
Wears away my soles
And with each step
My spirits erode
Until I am threadbare
And broken
With worn out soles
On the perpetual pavement

LIFE ETCHED IN MY FACE

Life etched in my face
Each line speaking for me,
Of an action or an event
But the presence of each
Is a part of the whole
That is the complete me

ACHERON

Acheron, the river of pain,
One of the five rivers of hades
Where Charon the ferryman
Plied his morbid trade

LUMINARY PERSONAGE

Luminary personage
Of prominence
A bright light
In the firmament
Truly brilliant
Outshone only
By his achievements

LUMINARY STAR

Luminary star
Celestial body
Shine down
Life giving light

ODIUM

It’s in a state of disgrace
Resulting from detestable behaviour
Where hatred and contempt reign
And despicable acts are the norm
Simple pure unadulterated odium
Hatred and condemnation
Loathing and contempt
Disrepute or infamy
Hate coupled with disgust
Pure unadulterated odium
That’s why I avoid the forum

ODEON

When I was a kid
My sister worked
At the Odeon Wood Green
And got me in for nothing
I loved the pictures
And I went everyday
It was a special place to me
Of course it was a far cry
From its Roman namesake
With its grand architecture
And hi-brow classical
Musical performances
But it was a magical place
Where I lost myself
In the flickering shadows
Of movieland
And escaped reality

TITAN’S

The powerful Titan’s
Giants of Greek Mythology
Born of Uranus and Gaea
Rulers of the earth
Brutally overthrown
By the Olympian Gods

SAINT GEORGE

Though he is immortalized in the tale
Of Saint George and the Dragon
It is as one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers
That his patronage is built upon

SHE WAS SILVER HAIRED

She was silver haired
And her face was lined
But she was content
And felt blessed
To have lived long enough
To have grey hair,
And to have had
Such a happy life
That the laughter of her youth
Was etched into her face

Variety # 2

I’M HAPPIER NOW I’VE GOTTEN OLDER

I’m happier now I’ve gotten older,
I’ve learned to ignore the negative
And care less what people think
So now it’s easier to be positive

I CAN ONLY GUESS AT

I can only guess at
What the future might hold
Will I even make old bones?
Not that I want to live forever,
But whatever age I achieve
I don’t want to look back
And wonder what might have been
So I will live every day
Like it was to be my last
So at the end
I will not lament my past
And now I will not worry
About what might be

I DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT

I don’t complain about
My silver hair and wrinkled face
I’ve lived a long life
And laughed more than my share
I’m content as so many
Of my generation never laughed,
And so many died before
Their hair has time to turn grey

I’M AT THE STAGE IN LIFE

I’m at the stage in life
When I’m sometimes forgetful
Although let’s face it
There’s a lot in life
That is better off forgotten
But as forgetful as I am
I never forget the important things

I LOOK AHEAD OF ME

I look ahead of me,
Across the unknown years
And I wonder:
Will I like being old?
Or even like the person
That I will become?

WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL

When I was at school
Our English teacher, Mrs Rowan
Once asked of us as homework,
During the half term holiday
To memorize our favourite poem,
This was met by groans,
By the class, but not me
I chose A.E.Housman’s
“Ode to an athlete dying young”
And it has stayed with me ever since

IF PEOPLE MAKE DEMANDS OF YOU

If people make demands of you
Disarm them skilfully
Give them more than they expect
And do it cheerfully

LIKE A GAGGLE OF GEESE

Like a gaggle of geese
The hen party traversed
The gaudy Blackpool strip
From bar to bar
And club to club
The tarty group
In their shameless parade
The legless slappers
Ended the night
Even more undignified
Than they had begun it
“If that’s possible”
Sitting in the gutter
In their own piss and vomit

SMOOTH SOFT STONES

Smooth soft stones
Picked from the beach
Rounded and smooth
To the touch
Opened a floodgate
In my mind
As distant memories
Rushed in
Of a different time and place
A simpler time
And way of life
When hours could be spent
In the innocent pursuit
Of ducks and drakes

LOOKING AFTER THE PENNIES

When I was a boy
I saved my pennies
For a rainy day
I saved every cent,
My pocket money
Every Friday
The Money back
On the empties
A paper round
In the morning
And delivering
The Weekly Sport
On a Saturday evening
Cleaning Grandmas windows
And Odd jobs
For the neighbours
Then on Saturday morning
I’d take it all,
The Ten bob notes
And tanners,
Halfpennies
And threepenny bits
And pay it all in
To my Post Office savings

BRITISH GAS FIVE STAR

I can remember a time
In the dim and distant past
When you could boast
To your friends and neighbours
That you were the proud user
Of the British Gas five star,
All singing all dancing,
Central heating and boiler cover
Which was akin to saying
You had a Rolls Royce
Parked in your garage
Such was its superior quality
Of course that was a world away
In in different century
Now having British Gas homecare
Is the equivalent to owning,
A 1983 Skoda