2013

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has to much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR

It’s such a mild New Year
All the birds are singing noisily
Noisy little bastards
Should be frozen to a tree

A CHRISTMAS SELECTION # 5

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS TIME

The magic of Christmas time
Is all the good will it brings
But sadly it gets packed away
With the other Christmas things

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS

The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas cheer
What a shame it can’t last
Throughout the year

CHRISTMAS PUDDING

Christmas pudding
Boiling in the pot
Rich steamed pudding
Hissing in the pot
Christmas pudding
Singing in the pot
Turn the pudding out
Its steaming hot

CHRISTMAS STAR

The Christmas star
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical
And star shaped flowers
Are more decoratively typical

THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST

The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas descends
Isn’t giving and receiving gifts
It’s seeing my family and friends
Because when it comes down to it
That’s what counts in the end

SPARE A THOUGHT

We live in a selfish world
We all think of “me and mine”
It’s perfectly natural, after all
Putting family first is fine
But just take a moment
As you sit down to dine
To think of the hungry
And when the meal is done
Think of the homeless
And as you enjoy the family fun
With people who truly care
Think of those who have no one

IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION

In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the Christmas mayhem
Even in the thronging malls
There are unforced smiles
And pleasantries exchanged
Between people with
Christmas in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt wishes
Given gladly without hesitation
One stranger to another

THE DOORBELL RINGS

The doorbell rings to announce
Arrivals from across the miles
And the spirit of the season
Is visible in the Christmas smiles

REMEMBER DECEMBER

The chilly month of December
Is the time for us to remember
In the run up to Christmas
Those who went before us
Loved ones and dear friends
Whose influence still wends
Shaping the form and style
Their memories making us smile
We remember the traditions
As they shared our celebrations

PUT A COIN IN THE BUCKET

Put a coin in the bucket
It doesn’t have to be big
Just a small token
That you won’t even miss

Put a coin in the bucket
Just drop it in
Or maybe a few
It’s good for your heart

Put a coin in the bucket
And shine a light
Into the darkest corner
Of a strangers life

Put a coin in the bucket
It’s nothing to you
But a bucket full of nothings
Will do a lot of good

WE COULD HAVE

We could have raised a glass
With all the usual crowd
We could have gone to mums
And spent Christmas in Stroud

We could have jetted off
For sand and sea and sun
We could’ve gone to my bro’s
Were they have “lots of fun”

We could have stayed at home
And just had “a quiet one”
Laughing at the annual
Morecambe and Wise rerun

But we decided to avoid this year
The usual helter skelter
And help cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless shelter

MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON

May this Christmas season
Be overflowing with Christmas spirit
Enough to banish all the Grinch’s
And the Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS ROSE

Christmas rose
The Evergreen beauty
Winter-blooming flowers
Of white or purplish hue
In wide display
Decorate the European
Landscape at Christmas

A CHRISTMAS SELECTION # 4

CHRISTMAS HOLLY

Christmas Holly
Evergreen tree
Christmas Holly
Leaves are prickly
Cut fresh Holly
Full of red berries
Help to make
The season merry

KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL

Keep Christmas well
Embrace its spirit
Feel its warmth and joy
Hold it in your heart
And keep its embers alight
Carry it with you
From one year to the next
So it will never end

CRIMBO

Bunting and frolic
Candles and smells
Garlands and gaiety
Baubles and bells
The holly and the ivy
Sprigs of mistletoe
Cookies and eggnog
Have a happy Crimbo

WITH EXPECTANT FACES FULL OF SMILES

With expectant faces full of smiles
The children sit around the tree
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
And wondering “What’s Santa got for me”

Eagerly the children sit by the tree
Their expectant smiling faces all aglow
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
On the moment when Nan says “go”

FAMILY CHRISTMASES

When I think back to those Christmases
I and my brothers and sisters shared
And all the love that filled the house
When no other time quite compared

I realized just how lucky we all were
Lucky we had a family that truly cared
Who gave us love and now that I am older
I make sure that love is liberally shared

WARM MEMORIES OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Warm memories
Of the holiday season
Moments of joy‚
To be forever treasured
Prayers of peace
One day to be answered
These are the gifts
I wish for us all

GRANMA JOY

I have happy memories to cherish
At my Grans when I was a boy
Her heart was so full of love
She filled the house with joy

Garlands, Balloons and bells
Hung from every beam and rafter
She made it joyful for us all
The house rang with her laughter

It was such a joyous time
I wish I could cross the years
To once more see her smile
Just thinking about her cheers

ITS NOT JUST PRESENTS

Its not just presents
That must be opened
As another Christmas starts

As well as all the gifts
We must try to open
Closed minds and hearts

CHRISTMAS TIP

If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January

CHRISTMAS BUSH

The Christmas bush
Is Australian obviously
And isn’t really a bush at all
It’s in fact a shrub or tree
With red flowers for selection
As Christmas decoration

The True Meaning Of Christmas

THE BEST PRESENTS CANNOT BE BOUGHT

The best presents cannot be bought
There is no mall where they can be sought
But if you have sufficiently striven
The best present can be easily given
It resides in you, channelled from above
That most wondrous gift of eternal love

THE BLESSED SEASON

God richly blesses us
The Good Lord fulfils us
And bestows love upon us
This and every Christmas

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT

The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song

CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away

WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING

When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses

PRAYERS WERE SUNG

Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start

THE GREAT STAR OF LIGHT

The great star of light
Graced the nativity
Where the holy family,
Mary and her child
And the Noble Joseph
Dwelt in the humble stall

The beasts in the stable
The Kings of the east
And shepherds from the hill
Witnessed the gift of love
Given by a gracious God
To the sinful world

THE HERALDS OF THE LORD

The heralds of the lord
Sung in one accord
Speaking of a child
So meek and mild
A halo on its curls
A gift to the world
A beacon in the night
Exuding loving light

Christmas Humour # 6

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list

THE LATE CHRISTMAS CARD

The etiquette for Christmas cards
Is simple, you just have to remember
If you cant get it there for the day
Make sure it still arrives in December

THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

The gift I most wanted
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
But it wasn’t to be
Because I ended up with you

CRIMBLE LUST

I have a large bunch of mistletoe
And you are on my Christmas list
But I will carefully pick my moment
I don’t want to do it when you’re pissed
Because with my bunch of mistletoe
I want you to know that you’ve been kissed

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
With out my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS

Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear

You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress

That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur

Christmas Humour # 5

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely its self evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

A VEGETARIAN CHRISTMAS

Do you want to celebrate?
A vegetarian Christmas
Then here you are
Have a freshly strained
Vegetable every day
With the advent colander

THE COUNCIL CHRISTMAS TREE

The council Christmas tree is dressed
And the lights were switched on in June
But don’t get yourself unduly distressed
With energy saving lights it’s not too soon
Because you must switch them on remember
So they are warmed up by December

IT’S SUCH A MILD CHRISTMAS

It’s such a mild Christmas
All the birds are singing noisily
Normally in December
They’re all frozen to a tree

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
For hours of innocent ex-box fun

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,
My friend is a simple one
Have a happy time in the cold
I’m jetting off to the sun

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy

I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed

Christmas Humour # 4

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 3

I kept Billie home from school
For Christmas shopping
Doing it during school time
When the malls are empty

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would that be so shocking
I mean if it were left to a man
And I don’t mean to be mocking
But are really more interested
In a very different stocking

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2

My worst Christmas present ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
Really tatty and really not fun

When I complained to my dad
And declared it worse than socks
He said I should be more grateful
To receive my very own ex-box

To make things so much worse
My dad thought it was quite nifty
If you then spun the box around
To make an ex-box 360

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 2

I've always loved my Santa
In his red Santa hat
With his cheerful demeanour
All hearty and fat
With his belly that wobbles
Like a bowl full of jelly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Nelly

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

We listen at 3pm on Christmas day
To hear what the Queen has to say
While for those of a Republican bent
An alternative is just a click away

SOAP TRADITION

Christmas is all about traditions
But they evolve across the years
Some fall from favour all together
Then new ones seem to appear

This is certainly the case
Of one of the more recent traditions
To the familiar Christmas fare
The TV soaps festive additions

This is when the tired old plot line
That’s simmered away since June
Suddenly explodes in your face
And not a moment too soon

A SIMPLE GIFT

I’m hoping that this Christmas
I will get what I desire
I’m not that easy to please
I don’t ridiculously aspire

I don’t want the moon and stars
Or diamonds or pearls
Some perfume or cosmetics will do
I’m not one of those greedy girls

I just want something for me
Just a small thing, for me this year
But as always it will be something
For the house from IKEA

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE HOSTELRY

The local hostelries are full
As they approach the brink
And raise their glasses high
For yet another festive drink
The season roundly toasted
Measured by each glasses chink
The next morning’s celebration
Will be a silent one I think

MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie

MITHRAS

Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December

Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras