A Humorous Selection # 14

CALL CENTER MODE ONCE MORE

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“What kind of computer do you have?
“A white one” was her reply

HOW DO YOU WANT IT CUT?

Bimbette ordered herself
A small pizza to go
“How do you want it cut”?
The guy asked, then
“Do you want it cut?
Into ten slices or eight”
“Oh just eight
I’m not hungry enough for ten”

WHEN THE MONTH GOES ROUND

When the month goes round
Beware what ever you do
My wife not only has PMS
She has GPS too
Which means she’s a crabby bitch
And she can find you

VAGUE INTEREST

When first I saw her
I thought her vaguely fascinating
But on further study
She was only fascinatingly vague

ON ALERT

I hate living under the threat
Of terrorism every day
I can remember when if you saw
An unattended bag on the railway
You would say to yourself
I’m going to have that away

THE SAME OLD COIFFURE

Sally always had
The same old coiffure
And thought that
Her marriage was secure
But her husband chose
A new style of hair
And she found one day
He was no longer there

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 1

I really need to moderate
The way I live my life
Last night I drank so much
I turned into my wife

I argued over nothing at all
Behaved like a holy terror
And I refused to apologise
When I was obviously in error

COUNTRY WATCH

I went to the countryside
And you know when I looked
I could see animals roaming about
That were totally uncooked
I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 2

I really need to moderate
The way I live my life
Last night I drank so much
I turned into my wife

I lost the ability to rationalise
I couldn’t think logically
And couldn’t grasp the offside law
Then I had to sit down to pee

F.L.O.

The police knocked at my door
And gave me the fright of my life
First they asked me my name
Then showed me a picture of the wife

“I’m afraid it looks like she’s been
Hit by a bus,” the officer said to me
I nodded and said in reply “I know
But she has a lovely personality”

The Love Selection # 3

LOVE IS LAYERED

Love is layered,
Sedimentary
Each layer secured
By the one above
Love is not shallow
Love is deep
And does not lay
Beneath a fragile crust

GOOD OLD JOHN

Good old John
You were always there
Nothing too much trouble
Always on hand to advise
To give a helping hand

Good old John
Steady dependable John
Unselfish, good egg John
Smiling humble John
Ever reliable

Good old John
I see you now in hindsight
Waiting in the wings
Holding a watching brief
Biding your time

Good old John
Simple undermining John
Conniving deceitful John
Smiling conspiring John
My wife’s friend John

Good old John
There you were
Pouring poison in her ear
Drip, drip, drip
But she saw through you
Good old John

BENEATH THE SUN ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT # 1

Beneath the sun on the Isle of Wight
Amidst the fun at Blackgang chine
I spotted her amongst the crowd
And vowed that I would make her mine

TO BE A SPECIAL LOVE

To be a special love
It should fit like a glove
But what I cannot tell
Is does the glove fit her as well?
It too must be a perfect fit
That is it, and all about it
To be a very special love
It should fit her like a glove
One ill fitted hand
And the love will never stand
Both should set foursquare
To be a perfect pair

A LONG AGO WORLD

A long ago world
In Days of innocence
And a wondrous summer
We stood on the cusp
Of loves first awakening

When Feeling awkward and gawky
We took our first faltering steps
In the realm of love
Wearing swim shorts
And self conscious blushes

It was a guiltless time
When holding hands
Was a physical pleasure
And stolen kisses
Seemed to last forever

If I had the presence of mind
I would have bottled that summer
And when I felt
Tarnished by the world
I would take a long sip
And be refreshed

BENEATH THE SUN ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT # 2

Beneath the sun on the Isle of Wight
I first laid eyes on the lovely Gill
And on that sweet summers day
I lost my heart forever at Robin Hill

THE NEWS CAME

The news came,
As bad news does
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid to cry
Before the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears loves
Despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten
On the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
Remorse hit me
Like a tidal wave
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell him?
Why didn’t I say?
I love you too

IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN # 1

It happens again and again
A simple smile and I dare to dream
That this might be the one
But alas no it’s a familiar theme

AMBER EYES

She had amber eyes
Which marked her out
Such a rare and beautiful hue
You might say it made her special
And special she was
This girl with amber eyes
But not for the rarity of the hue
But for an even rarer quality
This girl with amber eyes
Was so special because
She was beautiful inside and out

I WOULD CROSS AN ARID DESERT PLAIN

I would cross an arid desert plain
Sail upon a sea of hurt and pain
Traverse landscapes bleak and bare
Climb great mountains of despair
Navigate thru skies black with thunder
And lightning bolts to strike asunder
This and so much more I will gladly do
Just to spend some time with you

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 1

Are you wearing leg warmers?
It should be one of those nostalgic sights
But if memory serves and I’m not mistaken
They’re not supposed to go under your tights

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN ONCE AGAIN?

Are you wearing a sporran once again?
Well its not that easy to hide
But I feel I should point out
You wear it on the outside

ARE YOU WEARING A PURPLE BONNET?

Are you wearing a purple bonnet?
And a pink scarf about your neck
Well I don’t know how to tell you
But you really look like a prick

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 2

Are you wearing leg warmers?
It’s a fashion statement well made
But if memory serves me well
Not for this particular decade

ARE YOU WEARING SCRUBS?

Are you wearing scrubs?
It’s not a sexy look
It’s something and nothing
In my book

Even though you’re fit.
I don’t care if you’re
Naked underneath
I don’t care if you’re

Extremely slutty
You have scrubs on.
I like the nurse’s uniform
Of Pristine cotton

And starched white apron
A silly hat
And Black stockings
Scrubs leave me flat

But the uniform
Is a different issue
That gets me going… oops
Have you got a tissue?

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN AGAIN?

Are you wearing a sporran again?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 3

Are you wearing leg warmers?
Not the most cutting edge look of yours
But what goes around comes around
Or has the elastic has gone in you drawers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 277

Is John Smith within?
Yes there was one to begin
Followed by many more Smiths
And now I’m quite pithed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 278

This is the way the ladies ride
yes, yes, yes. oh yes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 279

This is the way the gentlemen ride
Gallop-a-trot,
Gallop-a-trot!
This is the way the gentlemen ride
Get out of the way you oiks


21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 280

This is the way the farmers ride
Hobbledy-hoy!
Hobbledy-hoy!
This is the way the farmers ride
Get off my land you rambling bastards

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 281

Hush baby, my doll,
I pray at this juncture
My sweet baby doll
Hasn’t got a puncture

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 282

Four and Twenty tailors
Went to kill a snail;
But natural England
Had them sent to jail

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 283

If clouds or mists do dark the sky
And they make you feel glummer
Don’t let them get you down
It’s just the English summer

A Humourous Selection # 13

I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT QUITE IRONIC

I’ve always thought it quite ironic
That along with the malcontents
The favoured tipple of choice
For the homeless is Tenants

I’VE GOT TO DRIVE MYSELF TO BLACKPOOL

I’ve got to drive myself to Blackpool
And I’ve not long passed my test
Now I have to navigate my way around
The cobbled motorways of the northwest

DREADLOCKS AND YOUR WHITE

Dreadlocks and your white
Interesting look but with a snag
It makes your head look like
An exploded Hoover bag

I HAVE SIX POINTS ON MY LICENCE

I have six points on my licence
I’ve been done for speeding before
but today I was cautioned to slow down
By my doctor and not by the law

MY REGIMEN IS NON-STOP

My regimen is non-stop
I have so many pills to pop
If I desist I’m for the chop
They’re for life I cannot stop

IT’S NOT THE SAINTED CORPS

It’s not the sainted corps
Of unacquainted bores
Hunting painted whores
To perform their tainted chores

MY WIFE AND I ARE VOYEURS

My wife and I are voyeurs
We like to watch then get at it
But the weathers gas been so bad
We haven’t been out to watch it
So at home we checked the listings
And a program left us all agog
But we were really disappointed
When we switched on for Watch Dog

I KEEP GETTING EMAILS

I keep getting emails
About penis extensions
But they’re not for me
Those kinds of inventions
Some may think that the lily
Is in need of some gilding
But no they’re not for me
As I live in a listed building

I LOST MY VIRGINITY DURING EXAMS

I lost my virginity during exams
I don’t think it at all immoral
I will never forget the experience
It was one hell of a French oral

A LIFESAVING TOOL

She bought a lifesaving tool for her car
Which for her was quite astute
It’s designed to cut through your seat belt
In the event of it trapping you on route
Particularly in the aftermath of a Crash
Unfortunately Bimbette keeps hers in the boot

CALL CENTER MODE ONCE AGAIN

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
“I have a huge problem”
She replied scratching her head

That’s why I decided
To phone up the engineers
Coz Every time I move the mouse
My screen saver disappears”

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 12) The Summer Ball part two

So I found that I was sitting next to Pandora at the Summer Ball, God had been very kind I thought
“Well that’s probably the best table in the room” I said
“I agree” Judith said proudly
“So who do you think we need to thank?” I asked her
“Pandora of course” Judith scoffed “She always does the tables”
Then she stuck her arm through mine and said
“You may escort me to my table good sir”
“My pleasure madam” I liked Judith but my pleasure for the evening was wearing a powder blue dress and she had arranged it so she would be sitting next to me.
Well Judith and I were right about it being the best table in the room
Georgia’s parents and their friends the Collins’s kept up an almost constant banter, going all night to the point that by midnight my sides ached.
Judith and Victoria were getting very merry indeed
While Pandora and I were almost totally sober.
Pandy was being very provocative, Every opportunity she got she was squeezing my thigh or brushing my leg with hers even at one point holding my hand under the table, so we were both enjoying it very much.
The only people from our table who didn’t seem to enjoy it were Pandora’s husband Graham who won the big prize in the men’s Golf tournament and Laurence Hunt who won a minor prize.
They seemed totally bored with the whole affair other than the prize giving.
Graham complained about everything and Laurence refused to join in and communicated in monosyllables.
Judith was not at all pleased with him and made no secret of it.
Laurence soon deserted Judith to go and celebrate Grahams victory with him in the member’s bar.
As a result Judith got shit-faced drunk, quite untypical behaviour and Victoria, in order to give moral support got ratted as well.
So by 12.15am Judith was in trouble, she had gone to the loo sometime earlier and was found in the ladies and could barely walk.
We sent word to the member’s bar for Laurence to come but he just brushed it off and continued in the same vein.
So we resolved to take her home, Victoria volunteered but could hardly stand herself so I suggested to Pandy that as they both lived just the other side of the 18th Fairway I could take them home on a Golf buggy
“You cant do it on your own” she said “I’d better come too”
So as discreetly as possible and with the aid of Georgia and another waitress we snook them out the back door nearest to where the buggies were parked.
We put Victoria in the front and I told Pandora to get in the drivers seat
We then put Judith behind her and I sat behind Victoria so I was in a position to prevent either of them from falling off.
“Ok let’s go,” I said
“Simon? I’ve never driven one of these before”
“Ok turn the key”
“Check” Pandy said in a deep simulated pilot’s voice
“Now select forward”
“Check”
“Hand brake off”
“Check”
“Depress accelerator”
“Cheeeeeck” she shouted as we shot forward
“This is great,” she said
I was so concentrated on preventing the ladies from falling off I was nearly ejected myself.
“Steady Jensen” I said
“Sorry”
About half way along that part of the 18th fairway there was a wide opening that allowed egress through the woods, which eventually arrived at the end of an old cart lane.
This in turn led between two cottages; one of them was being Judith’s.
We had to go that way because the woods were too thick to fit the buggy through anywhere else.
“Head towards the lane Pand” I said “and put your lights on”
“I have lights?” Pandy replied, “cool”
“Where’s the switch?”
“Next to the key” I said
“Got it”
It was a bright moonlit night so out in the open we could manage without lights, but once amongst the trees it would be a different story.
Pandora drove through the trees and stopped in the lane at the back of the Hunt’s home.
“You hold onto Victoria and I’ll take Judith in,” I told Pandora
“Ok”
I didn’t want to take her to the front door in case any of the neighbours saw her in her condition as I said this was untypical behaviour.
Now Judith wasn’t a big woman but she didn’t make life easy for me, she kept going limp so I had to keep grappling with her, I did get a good hold of her tits in one incident, and very nice they were too, and her arse wasn’t bad either,
All of this was taking me longer than I anticipated getting her to the back door.
So in the end I picked her up and carried her.
The lights were still on downstairs so I put her down and I pinned Judith between the wall and me while I knocked on the glass.
It was only a moment or two before the outside light went on and the door opened soon after.
It was one of her teenage sons, Callum,
“I’m sorry Callum she’s had a bit too much to drink”
“Who is it Cal?” Came another voice, this time it was David the oldest boy
“Its mum” Callum answered “come and help”
“Where’s my dad?” David asked
“We sent someone to find him…” I couldn’t think what else to say
“But he didn’t want to leave his cronies” David finished
I nodded
“Well thanks Mr Fisher we appreciate it,” said Callum
“Not a problem really and call me Simon” I said, “She’s one of the angels you know?”
He nodded proudly
“Thanks Simon” said David and shook my hand
When I got back to the buggy Pandora was struggling to restrain Victoria.
“She keeps saying she wants to go in the woods to find her lover”
“Simon there you are” Victoria slurred
“Ok back in the buggy and I’ll take you home”
“Yes Simon you can take me anywhere any time” she slurred again.
Pandora steered the buggy along the wooded track and headed towards the back of Victoria’s cottage.
Pandora turned the lights off and I picked Victoria up in a fireman’s lift there was nothing of her she was a small slim
Woman.
Pandora opened the gate and led the way down the path.
“Where’s the key?” Pandora asked
“Its under the Panda statue”
“How do you know?” Pandora asked
I had seen Victoria retrieve it the night I shagged her in the woods.
“Don’t ask,” I said
Pandy unlocked the door, stepped in and turned the light on.
“Take her straight to bed” Pandy ordered
“Ok”
Once we found the right room I laid her on the bed
“Lets take her dress off,” she said
“How about we leave her as she is and we take your dress off,” I suggested
“Down boy” she said smiling “you’re time will come, now help me with her dress”
I sat Victoria up again so Pandora could unhook and unzip then between us we pulled the whole thing off over her head.
Now she was just in het under things Pandy started pulling her tight off as I watched
It was the first time I’d seen her small slim body.
I was intimately familiar with Victoria’s fifty something body but it was dark and everything was by touch.
But only by touch, I think Pandora noticed my appraising eye and said
“I’ve got it from here thank you”
So I left her too it and went down to the kitchen.
I was sweating a bit now so I undid my
Bow tie and tucked it in my jacket pocked then I attended to the top buttons on my dress shirt.
She turned off the light and as we opened the back door and Pandy shivered so I chivalrously gave her my jacked, which reached down to her knees.
She kissed me gently, just once, then again more hotly.
I took my opportunity during the passionate kiss and grappled up her skirt and found her stocking and suspenders.
“Wait until you're invited” playfully slapping me.
She roughly rolled up the sleeves
And then held my hand as we walked back to the buggy.
“Stockings and suspenders eh” I said
“Yes I wore them specially for someone”
We got in and drove up the track. We’d gone about a hundred yards before we realised she didn’t have the lights on
“Put the lights on” I said
“I can see fine” she replied
“I’m like a cat” and made a little clawing gesture accompanied by a growl.
Then we emerged onto the fairway and she headed in entirely the wrong direction
From the club
“Where are we going?” I asked
“We’re going for a ride in the moonlight”
Pandora said “very romantic”.
“Yes but where are we going?”
“Well according to what you told Judith
We’re going to your favourite hole” Pandy answered
We finished up by the 17th green and she parked the buggy right on the tree line.
Close to the entrance to the clearing where we had enjoyed our first coupling.
“I desperately need a wee” she said and tottered off on her heels into the clearing where I had taken from behind over a fallen tree.

I could hear her peeing in the undergrowth, a prolonged jet hitting the hard dry ground, which I found was strangely alluring, and I found myself thinking that I would like to see it as well as hear it.
“Anything I can help you with in there?” I officered
“No thank you I can manage”
When Pandy came out from the woods she was carrying her shoes in one hand, her powder blue dress was draped over her arm and she was carrying some indeterminate folded items in the other hand.
She put her shoes and clothing at the back of the buggy where the clubs normally go and Pandora came and stood in front of me.
To my complete and utter delight Pandora stood before me in the moonlight wearing only stockings and suspenders, my dinner jacket and my bow tie, God that made me so hard.
“Why didn’t you want me to undress you in the woods?”
“Because it wasn’t all me under that dress” Pandora said
“There were garments and devices to make me look my best”
“You look perfect to me right now
“Then you had better have me right now”
Pandora unbuttoned my dinner jacket and let it slip off het to the floor
I instantly appraised her standing before me naked except for a bow tie around her neck
A suspender belt which framed perfectly her neat pubic triangle and dark blue stockings on her fine legs.
She looked fabulous with the moonlight shining on her forty-year-old breasts her nipples stiff in the cool night air.
“Wow” I said
She suddenly became self-conscious under my gaze and threw herself into me, her mouth sought out mine and found it, her tongue darting and probing my oral cavity.
While my hands caressed her back, her small soft hands busied themselves with my trousers, or the removal of,
She’d already dispensed with the cummerbund and had quickly undone the hook on my trousers and tugged sharply on the zip then her hands were down the back of my pants pulling them off my buttocks.
She pushed me back against the buggy and roughly yanked my pants and trousers down my legs and off my feet
Then she was back kissing me on the mouth and fumbling with my shirt buttons
She managed one of them then lost patience
“Take it off,” she ordered
Then in an instant she was on her knees and her lips were around my cock
“Oh yes mistress” I gasped out as I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere, anywhere.
I looked down at her blonde haired head moving expertly on my shaft while she played with my balls.
I thought I was going to explode in her mouth any second but then her lips were kissing their way up my body
Until her smiling face was only inches from mine, and she kissed me again.
I became aware of being manipulated as we kissed like we were in a slow dance on the dance floor and I just went with her
When we had turned 180 degrees and her back was against the buggy she slid her fine buttocks onto the seat and opened her thighs
She kissed be deeply running her fingers through my hair then I felt downward pressure from her hands as she pushed my head down to her waiting cunny I was ready to fuck her but she wanted head first so I obliged her and went down between her stockinged thighs to sup on her hot gash,
I worked the creamy wet flesh with my tongue, my nose, my chin and she wriggled and squirmed, moaning and gasping as I sucked at her lips and licked her cunny until she could wait no longer.
“Now Simon” she screamed
Oh Simon do me now”
So I raised my head from my task, my face wet with her juice and found her laying stretched out across the front seats of the buggy, with one hand gripping the steering wheel and the other playing with her nipple.
Her legs were spread wide and she was open and her juicy quim was at the perfect height to receive me.
I gave her two inches and she sucked in air through her teeth
”I want it all” she said, “give me all of it”
And with her legs around me and crossed at the ankles
She pulled me all the way in.
“Ahhhhh” she said as she received all of me
The same with the next stroke and the next
I gave her three more full lengths and she came
Then she panted a few times through gritted teeth
And she was really making my balls wet
Then she came three times in quick succession making the same delicious sound.
“Ah”
“Ah”
“Ah”
“Ohhhhh”
It thought to myself as I pumped her pussy how much I loved making women moan.
I knew I couldn’t hold off much longer, I was very close
Pandy’s next big orgasm would be the finale
I had a great rhythm going her legs she was gripping me hard and I was playing with her tits as I banged her and banged her
“Orrrrw” she uttered with every hard stroke
“Orrrrw”
Then as the strokes shortened it changed to
“Oh”
“Oh”
Until we reached that perfect point of climax when we both came together
“OORRRRR” she screamed at the top of her lungs
I pulled out of her and she let out a sigh of satisfaction
Then I bent down and kissed her quivering belly then lay my face against it.
She sighed again and I felt her muscles contract and I stood up just in time to see a little dribble of my cum escape from her hole.
Pandora lay there for about twenty minutes I threw my jacket across her and the only sounds coming from her were her sighs and a series of soft whispers from her fanny.

I had redressed my self and was sitting on the back seat watching her rerunning the night’s events in my head subconsciously selecting moments for the wank bank.
Apart from the obvious inclusions there was also the sound of Pandy peeing in the woods, her screaming orgasm, the dribble on her lip and her fanny farting would all make it in.
As Pandy stirred I wondered if she had a wank bank and what moments would be in it.

“Turn your back,” she said
“Why?” I asked
“So I can get dressed”
“But I’ve already seen everything”
“That was when we were making love” she corrected me
“This is different”
“Ok” I said and turned my back to her
“And no peeking”
“Ok”
I thought it was rather cute that even after what we had just done she was still acting shy, that’s a point scorer.
“Now you can look,” she said
When I turned around she was wearing the powder blue dress and judging by what I could hear as she was dressing her silk knickers as well.

We got back on the buggy, with Pandora in the driving seat again. Before we set off she turned to me smiled and kissed me I immediately responded to it by slipping my tongue between her slightly parted lips Pandora warmed to this and responded in kind for a full minute before stopping abruptly.
“That’s quite enough of that” she said sharply
“But you were enjoying it too”
“That’s not the point it’s too late”
“It’s never too late” I said nibbling her ear and sliding my right hand along her stockinged thigh seeking out the flesh above.
She clamped her thighs together and pushed down on the accelerator.
But this was not easily done and was finding it difficult to apply full pressure on the accelerator as well as keeping her thighs tight closed,
She released her grip on my hand for a split second and the buggy inched forward and my hand passed her stocking top, she clamped again.
She released her grip again, briefly, the buggy inched forward again and my hand was inside her silk panties.
She opened her thighs and depressed the accelerator and we trundled forward as my finger parted her lips.
The buggy was making some progress and Pandora was biting her lip though not in concentration I had found her sweet spot and she was creaming my fingers.
She carried on driving and biting her lip and I carried on stroking and creaming her lips all of a sudden she stopped the buggy.
“You bastard” she said and kissed me while she unzipped my fly.
I was still stroking her creamy pussy as she pulled my cock out and her busy little fingers roughly tugged on my shaft
After a minute of two of this frenetic fondling Pandora slid over to my side of the buggy with her back to me, which left me to conclude that Pandy wanted rear entry.
So ever ready to oblige I got out of the buggy and dropped my trousers.
Pandora then slid right across the seat I pulled up the back of her dress and exposed a round silk clad arse.
I got my fingers under the waistband and prepared to pull them off her buttocks.
“No leave my knickers on darling” she pleaded “go up my leg again, like before, I really loved that”
So I hooked my thumb inside the leg of her knickers and pulled the silk panties to one side to expose her moist cunny.
I slid my stiff shaft between her eager lips and as I went in up to my balls, breath left her like air escaping through a valve and the harder I pumped the courser the breath.
Only one thing was missing for me so I unzipped the back of her dress.
Pandora turned her head and gave me a smile and rose up onto her elbows so I could cup her globes as i was in and out of her.
Pandy was almost spent and all she could do was emit low rasping moans in response to my penetrations but I drove on and on.
And as she went rigid beneath my loins she rallied all her remaining strength she screamed into the night.
“OORRRRR” and then a second later as my cock twitched and pulsed inside her welcoming minge.
“OHHHHH”
Then she collapsed forward, totally and literally shagged.
With my hands on her hips I stayed in her a moment longer while I admired the spent sensual being impaled on my cock.
I don’t know what it is but there is something very powerful about being inside a woman from behind.

After she had redressed herself, i.e. rearranged her silk drawers and hidden away her magnificent tits I said
“Well good night then”
“What?” she said with panic in her voice “Don’t leave me”
I smiled at her
“You bastard” she said and slapped me
“Do you really think I would just leave you here?”
“No” she said hugging me “But you’re still a bastard”
Pandora lived at the other end of the village, her rather grand house backed onto the 3rd green.
So we trundled across the course in the buggy, me driving this time Pandora next to me with her arm through mine, wearing my jacket again.
We stopped right in the trees by the third green and I walked her through the woods to her back gate we paused in the darkness and kissed a long sensual kiss.
“You’re not going to avoid me again are you?”
“No, never again”
Suddenly she panicked
“I can’t go home carrying my under things” she said
So she stuffed them in my dinner jacket pocket
“I will collect them from you tomorrow, no peeking”
I stood looking at her smiling
“What’s the matter?”
“My jacket?” I said
“Oh yes, silly me”
She took off the jacket and gave me one final kiss and she was gone I watched her safely to her back door and then got back on the buggy.
“Well” I thought to myself “that’s your first Summer Ball”
And Pandora was a truly great Summer Ball come to think of it she’d be great any time of year.

Late on Sunday afternoon Pandora was just leaving through the front door of my cottage, carrying her unmentionables in a carrier bag, as Georgia was coming up the path
A couple of minutes earlier and she’d have caught us snogging in the porch
I did peek at the items in Pandora’s bag, one was a body shaper and the others were sticky breast lifts.
“Hello Georgia” she said hoarsely
“Oh dear Pandora, your voice sounds awful”
“It must have been the night air,” she said
Screaming orgasms in the night air more like I thought.
“Bye you two,” she hoarsely called trotting down the path “and thanks for last night Simon”
“What was that all about?” Georgia said
“Oh helping to get the old lushes home last night,” I said smiling.
“Come on in and I’ll tell you all about it”
And you can also have the benefit of the erection Pandora just gave me.

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 11) The Summer Ball part one

It was the morning of the Summer Ball the “jewel in the crown” event on the Bushy Down Golf club calendar.
The day begins at first light when the Summer Ball tees off.
Then after a full mornings play, preceding a sit down lunch the tournament concludes in the afternoon.
The Golf is normally concluded by 5.00pm and the Ball proper commences at 8.00pm with a sumptuous meal prize giving and dancing.
They certainly had a glorious day for it, I had no plans to participate in the Golf, competitions aren’t my thing.
What I had planned to do was sleep late and then spend the rest of the day writing.
I thought I had gathered some valuable material the day before deflowering the former flirty virgin Emily Gomez.
I felt I could easily achieve 20,000 words on her delicious delights alone.
However I was awoken earlier than planned, much earlier infact, by a rattling of crockery from the kitchen and the sound of water running, a kettle filling probably.
I looked at the clock and it was 6.05am and I had an unexpected houseguest, I had no idea who it was and frankly it could have been anyone.
I got out of bed with a bit of a semi on, thanks to a vivid dream about Emily kneeling on my chair in the study.
I decided on a shower before meeting my guest.
After showering I just threw on my robe and wandered downstairs as I approached the kitchen I suddenly hesitated as I caught sight of Cousin Molly sitting on the kitchen counter completely naked and fingering herself.
I didn’t want to embarrass her so I did the gentlemanly thing and watched her through the crack in the door.
The semi I had from my dream of Emily had turned to a full on boner.
Molly wasn’t phased or embarrassed as I walked into the kitchen, nor did she stop what she was doing.
“What are you up to then?” I said walking up to her and kissing her full on the mouth. “Apart from the obvious”
Molly was still fingering her crack so with her free hand she reached inside my robe and grabbed my swollen cock
“How long have you been watching?” she asked between kisses
“Long enough” I replied
“Oh yes it is” she purred and pulled it towards her pussy
But I wasn’t ready to go in her just yet so I knelt before her shaven pussy and noshed on her juicy cunt, after her delicious self abuse it didn’t take long for me to take her to climax and I was soon stood in front of her again and this time I let her plug my cock into her cunny and with her legs hooked behind my arse and her arms locked around my neck I fucked her hard, which is what she wanted, a good hard fucking.
Just at the point we both came the Microwave pinged and Molly’s breakfast was ready.

We sat at the kitchen table, both naked, drinking coffee,
“What are you doing here any way?” I said
“I was on my way to Mum and Dads for the weekend when I got really horny and I thought who do I know around here that can scratch my itch?”
I nodded
“But no one was home so I came hear” then Molly laughed; in fact she laughed so hard she spilled some coffee.
“You don’t want seconds before you go then?”
She stopped laughing took me by the hand and led me upstairs to bed were we had a much more leisurely fuck.
Molly was back on the road to her parents by 9.00am and I went back to sleep and didn’t wake again until after one.
I had my second shower of the day then wandered over to the club for a spot of lunch.
It was 2.30pm by the time I got over there and lunch had finished serving so I thought I’d ask if they could knock me up a sandwich.
I could see Georgia as I walked to the bar and I thought she’d seen me but she just kept walking, they were quite busy and I was at the bar for 5 minutes or more and I wasn’t even close to being served.
Suddenly Georgia was stood next to me.
“Hi honey” I said “Shouldn’t you be serving
“It’s my break,” she answered curtly
“I’m only after a sandwich,” I said hopefully
“Come with me” Georgia said and strode off
“Great” I thought and followed her
She led me down a corridor, through a door that said staff only, down another corridor finally arriving at another door.
“In here” she said
“She’s in a funny mood,” I thought but at least I’d get my sandwich.
As the door closed the light went on to reveal it was a storage cupboard, and all at once Georgia was all over me,
She already had her white shirt opened and she put my hands on her tits, and she had no bra on, why wasn’t she wearing a bra?
Then her tongue was straight down my throat and she was using both of her hands to extricate my prick from my trousers.
“Blimey Georgia” I said after breaking away from her mouth “What’s got into you?”
“You in a minute I hope” She kissed me hard on the mouth again
“Why now”? I asked escaping her lips again
“Because I’m so horny,” she said planting another kiss on my mouth,
“And where’s your bra” I asked indignantly
“In my handbag” she answered curtly
“Bloody hell what is in the air around here today that’s making everybody horny” I thought as Georgia had finally debagged me and released my cock.
Then she was on her knees and took me in her mouth, she normally needed encouragement to do that.
I was hoping, I thought, as Georgia got busy on me, to get in someone’s pants at the Ball tonight but if all the women are as hot to trot as Molly and Georgia have been I would need a bottle of Dr Claire’s Lazarus pills.
Georgia had sucked me up good and proper so I pushed her head back to allow me to withdraw from her mouth, she scrambled to her feet and after wiping her dribbling lips on her arm she kissed me again
I pushed her back against the door and yanked her skirt up her thighs so I could get my hands under her hem.
Gripping the hem in both hands I pulled it sharply upwards so the entire skirt was now around her waist I then turned my attention to her knickers, but she wasn’t wearing any.
“Where are your knickers”? I asked more than a little surprised
“In my handbag”
“Ask a stupid question,” I thought
Her arms were wrapped tightly around my neck and she was panting loudly in my ear so I reached around and got a firm grip on each buttock and lifted her up so her obviously syrupy fanny was at a height to receive me,
Once achieved I slid effortlessly into her hot cunny
“Ohhhhh god” she uttered
Georgia’s legs locked around my middle and I banged her against the door.
I had one hand on her hip and with the other I gripped the coat hook behind the door
I banged her again and again
Her bum cheeks slapping against the veneer
With each early stroke I put into her she responded with a long satisfied
“Mmmm”
As the rhythm increased and the stokes shortened she could only manage
“Oh”
“Oh”
“Oh”
“Oh”
“Oh”
Finishing with an “OH GOD YES” As I emptied my sac into her.
We stayed in that position for about a minute panting hard then she said.
“I really needed that”
“It was ok then?” I asked
“Oh yes, very acceptable”
“Good” I said sincerely “Can I have a sandwich now?”
“Definitely” she said smiling
We quickly made ourselves decent and exited the cupboard and retraced our steps down the corridor.
When we reached the staff only door Georgia kissed me and said
“I’ll meet you in the bar”
And I went through the door; I’d only taken a few steps along the next corridor when I was halted by the formidable Miss Snipe.
“This corridor is staff only Mr. Fisher”
“Yes thank you Miss Snipe I realise that now” I said “I got confused and took a wrong turn, it must be the heat”
But there was no fooling Agnes Snipe she knew I’d been up to no good she just didn’t know what or with whom.
“Will we be having the pleasure of your company tonight Agnes?”
“I will be seeing that standards are maintained and that individuals know their boundaries”
“I will look forward to seeing you” and walked passed her down the corridor and back to the bar.
I thought that whatever it was going around getting the ladies moist it certainly didn’t appear to have put any pep in Agnes Snipes pants.

I was sat down in our usual quiet corner just a minute or so before Georgia arrived with a pint of beer and a tuna steak salad.
“There you are sir,” she said putting first the beer and then the plate on the table “your reward for services rendered”
“Thank you miss” I said pompously “and do you feel sufficiently rendered”
“I believe so” Georgia replied “at least until tomorrow when I will expect you to render my arse off”
She gave a quick glance around her then lent down and kissed me tenderly.
“Well if that’s all sir? I do have other customers to service”
Then she turned away but returned in about 30 seconds
“I almost forgot” She gave another quick glance around her and then lifted the front of her skirt up exposing her white knickers.
“Just to reassure you,” Georgia said letting the skirt fall “I only take them off for you”
This was clearly meant as a light dig regarding my own philandering, which although she said she didn't mind, clearly did.

Before I returned home I decided I needed a little TLC so I went to the heath club, which adjoined the Golf club, I figured it would be quiet on Summer Ball day and I was right.
I signed up for a vitamin bath, sauna and a full body massage and I was so relaxed when I got home that I promptly fell asleep.

I didn’t wake up until 7.15pm which threw me into a blind panic I quickly got up and showered, for the umpteenth time that day and because of time constraints I did one of the things that I loathe, I shaved in the shower.
Oh well needs must I thought.
I dried, perfumed and powdered myself and changed quickly into my dinner suit complete with cummerbund and bow tie, I have to confess that with time against me I broke another of my own rules, I wore a clip on bow tie.
But I made it to the Ball with minutes to spare.
I would say that the sight of the array of stunningly turned out women that greeted me led me to believe that they allowed more than 40 minutes getting ready.
The first stunner I bumped into was Emily, the pretty young dusky maid I sullied only the day before, and she was with her best friend Jenny, a pale skinned redhead who I planned to sully very soon. They were both stunningly beautiful and wearing the expensive designer evening dresses they looked even more so.
“Hello Emily” I said, “you look beautiful”
I then leant in closer and said quietly
“Not as beautiful as yesterday though”
She blushed terribly and I turned my attention to her friend
“Hello Jenny, you’re looking stunning tonight” and by the way she coloured up so quickly I assumed Emily had told her of our encounter.
Emily recovered sufficiently to introduce me to her parents
Who seemed genuinely pleased to finally meet me.
I thought wryly that they wouldn’t be smiling quite so much if they’d seen my splitting Emily whiskers the afternoon before.
Then I was introduced to Jenny’s parents who seemed equally pleased to meet me, of course I hadn’t at that point caused any affront to the Smithson’s, but their time would come, as would Jenny’s.
I excused myself and made for the gents, this took me passed Agnes’s office just as I approached her door I caught sight of Miss Snipe with her dress pulled up almost to her waist whilst she adjusted her suspenders.
This revelation certainly moved Agnes up in my estimation not necessarily on the to-do list but… that was a definite point scorer.
Next I ran into Victoria Braithwaite who was looking very presentable, if in a rather retro fashion, but there was always more to Victoria than met the eye and I had not yet ruled out revisiting the surprising Miss Braithwaite hidden talents.
“Hello Simon” She said warmly “thank you so much for finding Maisie for me, she’s been an absolute godsend”
“I’m glad she’s been useful”
Just then Georgia arrived with a tray of drinks, Victoria took one and then I followed suit.
Just then Judith Hunt joined us, she was my next-door neighbour and all round good egg and she looked very shapely, I suspect a body shaper was being manfully employed but none the less she looked very nice.
“What are you two talking about?” she said
“I was just telling Simon what a little gem Maisie Stewart is”
At that moment Georgia whispered in my ear
“Just keep chatting up the oldies and you’ll stay out of mischief” and sniggered
I thought to myself you wouldn’t say that if you seen me nailing Victoria against a tree.
She stepped through the crowd to offer Judith and another guest a drink so I grabbed her arse and gave it a squeeze before I slid my fingers down the crease of her arse towards her box. And I felt her buttocks clench and then she moved quickly off to the next group.
Just then Dr Andrews and a rather plain looking bespectacled stick insect joined the group.
Judith ever the organiser handled the introductions
“I think you both know everyone” then doubting herself asked
“Have you met Simon Fisher?”
“Only in a professional capacity” she replied
“Hello please call me Claire” and she gave my hand a discrete squeeze before releasing it
Then she introduced her friend
“This is my colleague Olivia,” she said
I looked at Olivia and thought it’s a good job she wears glasses or you wouldn’t know which side the front was.
Then in answer to my next question
“Olivia is the practice manager” Said Claire and kind of nodded,
Then it dawned on me she’s the receptionist who said I write mucky books.
Claire could see the penny had dropped and smiled.
Well people came and went the group grew and shrank then grew again and when there were more people there that I didn’t know than I knew I decided to mingle.
I caught sight of an absolute beauty; she was a small young woman with short brown hair wearing a figure hugging knee length green silk dress,
It fitted her like a second skin and there was nothing between second and first.
No VPL in fact no visible lines at all.
As she walked her whole body moved like it was a liquid instead of a solid,
A figure of liquid silk, moving like risen bread dough being poured from a bowl.
I had no idea who she was and I only ever caught glimpses of her and I never did track her down again that night.
I hadn’t seen Pandora yet but I did see someone I recognised a little blonde in a long white dress, a highly unsuitable shade considering what she gets up to deep in the woods.
Stood next to her was the ever-dependable Judith
“Simon, Simon” she called
I went to join her
“Have you met the Carrington’s?”
“No I said, I don’t think I have had the pleasure” I looked straight at India when I said pleasure and she coloured up beautifully.
“This is Cecil” a rather arrogant looking man,
“Clemence” a clear indicator of what India will blossom into
“And their daughter India”
“Simon Fisher”
“Pleased to meet you all”
The small talk ebbed and flowed and I discovered that my initial assessment of Cecil rather missed the mark he wasn’t anywhere near as arrogant as his demeanour suggested
Clemence was as pleasant as she was beautiful and even India surprised me.
“Miss Braithwaite mentioned you knew someone hard working and conscientious who might be looking for some work”
“Yes I do, India, I’m not sure how much free time she has at the moment” I said “she’s in great demand, but I will certainly put her in touch”
It was just then I spotted Pandy in a powder blue dress heading towards the ladies so I made my excuses and left the Carrington’s but I did so safe in the knowledge that India was a land I might conquer again.
I positioned myself on the side of the room nearest to the ladies room that Pandora had frequented and drifted around on the fringes of groups not really following the conversation until she reappeared.
There she was
“Pandora! You’re looking very lovely tonight”
“Simon Darling” she said insincerely
Then she did that irritating air kiss either side of my face although on the second side instead of a kiss she said
“The answers no”
Then for general consumption she said
“I must get back still lots to do”
Well that seemed fairly definite, still plenty of other candidates for my lust.
I wandered over to the seating plan to find out who my dining companions were.
And guess who I found had got there before me? Judith Hunt
“Hello Judith we’re going to have to stop meeting like this you know”
“No chance of that I’m afraid” she said laughing “we’re on the same table”
“Really?” I said “how funny”
“Who else have we got?”
“Well there’s Laura and Geoffrey Gregory, (Georgia’s parents) Samantha and Owen Collins (friends of the Gregory’s) me and, Laurence” (Judith’s husband)
Victoria Braithwaite, you and not forgetting Pandora and Graham Parkinson-Brown”
So I was sitting next to Pandora, God had been kind
“Well that’s probably the best table in the room” I said
“I agree” Judith said proudly
“So who do you think we need to thank?” I asked her
“Pandora of course” Judith scoffed “She always does the tables”
Then she stuck her arm through mine and said
“You may escort me to my table good sir”
“My pleasure madam” I liked Judith but my pleasure for the evening was wearing a powder blue dress and she had arranged it so she would be sitting next to me.