Relationships # 1

I DON’T TRUST A MAN

“I don’t trust a man”
(Normally that says it all)
That goes for most of them
“But I don’t trust a man”
Who doesn't close his eyes
When I kiss him”

MAIL CALL

I spoke into the envelope
Saying “I really love you Gail”
Then I sealed the envelope
And posted my voice mail

ALPHABETICALLY DESCRIBED

After fifty years of married life
And after being prompted by his wife
A husband set out to describe her
And this was what he said of her

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L." He said sweetly
“And what does that mean?”
She asked suspiciously

"Adorable, Beautiful,
Cuddly, Delightful,
Elegant, Fragrant,
Generous, Heaven-sent.”

"Oh, that's so lovely
What about I, J, K and L?"
"I'm Just Kidding Love!" He laughed
And she made his eye swell

THE FINAL RECKONING

As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say

“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me

“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?

A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied

Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house

Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife
And how you return as a different form of life
She said she wanted to come back as a cow
She obviously misunderstood some how

I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

I don’t deserve someone
Thoughtful, warm and caring
I don’t deserve someone
Loving and understanding
I don’t deserve someone
Affectionate and true
I don’t deserve any of that
Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”
I told my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on granite
To survive the weather
“Here lies my wife
As cold as ever”

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”
Said my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on a plaque
Of shinning brass
“Here lies my husband
Stiff at last”

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife
Were having a fight
At the breakfast table.
But before he took flight
From the tempestuous scene
These terrible words were said
In the heat of the moment
“And you’re no good in bed”
Later when he got home
She and another were in sexual union
“What are you doing?”
He yelled on the unhappy reunion
She replied calmly
“I was getting a second opinion!'

A Humourous Selection # 1

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake
A risky manoeuvre is undertaken
But what they risk undertaking
Is an appointment with an undertaker

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta
Came together
On one platter
Would it lead to disaster?


SHAMPOO MODUS

Bimbette was in the bathroom
And Clair shouted up to her
“You can use my shampoo
If you want to wash your hair”
And Bimbette shouted back
“Thanks but I can’t use it Clair,
It says it’s only for dry hair
And mine is wet to be fair”

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

This morning, mewing loudly
The cat greeted me
She clearly wanted her breakfast
So I gave her mewsly

GREEN BELT

Planning regulations only apply
It seems, to the ordinary people
The rank and file
Those without power or influence
Or the means to fill brown envelopes
Because to Politicians and developers
The only green they understand
Is cold hard cash
And they think that the green belt
Is just an inferior grade in Judo

FLY TRAP

When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap

MATURE CONVERSATION

My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure

She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you

But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before

END OF THE LINE

My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle

So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

ARE YOU WEARING? # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER?

Are you wearing a baggy sweater?
For a particular reason maybe
You haven’t suddenly become a frump
So you must be having a baby

ARE YOU WEARING BEIGE?

Are you wearing beige?
For one reason or another
But please don’t be telling me
That it’s your favourite colour

ARE YOU WEARING MUSK?

Are you wearing musk?
Well someone is me thinks
And I know that it’s not me
But God it really stinks

ARE YOU WEARING FALSIES?

Are you wearing falsies?
How disappointing is that
I thought you were well proportioned
But your chest is really flat
I thought you were a catch
But I was wrong about that
I thought I was getting mackerel
But I ended up with sprat

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET TIGHTS?

Are you wearing fishnet tights?
That’s not a bad catch, I’ll bet
There’s a sight worth seeing
When you bend over Jeanette
That must be like the moment
The football hits the back of the net

ARE YOU WEARING A SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scowl?
Or is it your irritable bowel
No it’s an irritable scowl
Because I left my wet towel

ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

Are you wearing lipstick?
Well to avoid looking like a dipstick
You might want to adjust it a bit
Maybe you could tone it down
Before you go off to town
You don’t want to look like a clown

ARE YOU WEARING A FROWN?

Are you wearing a frown?
Is something getting you down?
It’s something I’ve done?
A broken rule? What another one?
Oh now what is that look about?
I’ve done it now, no doubt
Now your arms are folded
I’m about to get scolded
No I don’t have a clue
What I’ve done to upset you
If you don’t tell me I’ll never guess
The reason for your distress
So spit it out nice and plain
To avoid having to say it again
Ok so the reason for the frown
Is I didn’t put the loo seat down

ARE YOU WEARING MAKE UP?

Are you wearing make up?
You don’t usually wear a scrap
Well you look prettier than ever
Are you going to meet a chap?
You’re not meeting a beau?
What no one has set their cap?
But there is someone you like
Someone you’d like to entrap
Well whoever he might be
He is definitely a lucky chap
Too be caught by one as lovely as you
In sweet loves tender trap
My you have a glint in your eye
Why are you climbing on my lap?
What are you doing to my ear?
Should we just slow down perhaps
It’s hard to concentrate when you do that
So please let me just recap
Am I right in assuming by your behaviour?
That I’m the lucky chap

ARE YOU WEARING RUNNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing running clothes?
What on earth are you thinking?
You are in no shape for running
What have you been drinking?
I wasn’t born yesterday you know
You’ve had more than a tipple
You’ll be sorry I can tell you
When you end up with jogger’s nipple

The Love Selection # 1

STRAWBERRY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the strawberry headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

ARE YOU THE ONE?

I'd like to give you the special key
That unlocks my forbidding heart
But I must be sure you are the one
I must know that before we start
Or the secret of the golden key
I would be unable to impart

I KNOW I PROMISED NOT TO CALL HER

I know I promised not to call her
But I just had to speak to Joyce
She smiled when she picked up the phone
I could hear it clearly in her voice
And how I needed to hear that sweet sound
A sound to make angels rejoice
And when she spoke my name
I knew I’d made the right choice

WE HAVE THE MOST PERFECT LOVE

We have the most perfect love
We fit together like a hand in glove
Because our love for each other
Is greater than our need for each other

FOR EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU

For every little thing about you
Every way you’ve showed you cared
For all the happy laughter
And all the happy times we’ve shared

For always being there
And being the essential part of my life
For just being with me
And for agreeing to become my wife

FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE

For everything that you are
And for everything that you do
For all of this and so much more
With all my heart I thank you

MY HEART IS SO FULL OF LOVE

My heart is so full of love
Yet my words alone can't say,
They simply fail to express
What I wish to convey

I am just like an infant
Mumbling the snips and bytes
Of unformed language
To incoherently recite

I am like a foreign visitor
Trying to translate into English
Trying to formulate phrases
Instead translating into gibberish

My heart is so full of love
So why can I not just say
That I love you darling
Why is it so hard to convey

LOVE THRILLS

Hedonistic thrill seekers
Adrenalin junkies
One and all
Cannot surpass the thrill
You get from love
When you completely fall

And for pure danger
Nothing is more injurious
More painful to befit
Than when you’ve succumbed
And you are in love
And you then fall out of it

MY LIFE RUNS FAST AWAY

My life runs fast away
Like sand in an hourglass,
And with each grain of sand
Goes a moment in of my lifetime
Each moment is an empty one
Not spent with you
The moments are fast running out
As the grains of sand move on
And still I wait to meet you

ACCEPT ME PLEASE

Accept me please
Accept all of me
Every flaw and blemish
Every quirk and foible
For if love is as you say
Truly unconditional
You should accept me as I am

Soldiering

IT WAS THE LOWLY SOLDIER

It was the lowly soldier
Not the journalist
Who won their right
To freedom of the press

It was the lowly soldier,
Not the lofty poet,
Who won for them
Freedom of speech

It was the lowly soldier
Not the politicians
Who secure for all of us
The peace

IT’S THE SIMPLE SOLDIER

It’s the simple soldier
Who serves the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who salutes the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who fights beneath that flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who dies beneath that flag
And it’s the simple soldier
Carried shoulder high
In a coffin draped by the flag

WHY IS IT THAT THE FLAG?

Why is it that the flag?
Means more to those who fight for it
Than it does to the people
Who sent them to fight for it

WHY IS IT THAT THE NATIONS FLAG?

Why is it that the nations flag?
Appears to mean much more
To the soldiers who fight for it
Than the people they’re fighting for

GOD AND THE SOLDIERS

We look to God and the soldiers
Mostly during times of war
But when peace again descends
They are both forgotten like before

A Family Selection

WHO LOVES US?

Who loves us without condition?
Who loves us in their admonition?
Who loves us despite the dirt?
Who do we go to when we’re hurt?
Who shares in all our joys?
Who buys us the best toys?
Who keeps us warm and fed?
Who would prefer a puppy instead?
Who cheers us up when we’re sad?
Who else but mum and dad

THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD

The greatest friend I ever had,
Since I was still just a little lad
To this very day is my Dad

LOOK AFTER HER

Look after her
While you still have her
For there will be no other
So cherish her
And appreciate her
For no one can replace your Mother

WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME

When children leave the family home
No matter where the children roam
Despite the passing of the years
Its mum they want to wipe away the tears
When the world slaps them in the face
They head straight to that one special place
Where the door is always open wide
Where they know they can safely abide
Safely ensconced in that special place
That is a mother’s warm embrace

OH DEAR PARENTS

Oh dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Appreciate how lucky
We are to have you two
You’ve told us often enough
To give us a clue

So dear parents
Its time for us to say
That we are grateful
In our own kind of way
Though we think your methods
Are a little passe

Now dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Without reservations
Love the two of you
But if you repeat this
We will deny that it’s true

NOT HERE

Now that mums not here
You try not to show you’re sad
But we know you miss her
And we know that you feel bad
But please don’t ever forget
That we all miss her too dad

ARE YOU WEARING? # 3

ARE YOU WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

Are you wearing boxing gloves?
Well as they say “if the cap fits”
I should say it’s not before time
And might curb your nocturnal habits

ARE YOU WEARING A SMILE?

Are you wearing a smile?
Because you know all the while
In your own inimitable style
That you are a commandophile

ARE YOU WEARING SURGICAL STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing surgical stockings?
I know that shouldn’t excite me
The thought of them turns me on
If that’s a problem you can bite me

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSE?

Are you wearing a rose?
Its subtle fragrance, heaven knows
So sweet smelling to the nose
That Rose pinned to your lapel
Does intoxicate me so well
And does hold me in its spell

ARE YOU WEARING CHANEL?

Are you wearing Chanel?
Why do you wear that smell?
At the chip shop when it was quite late
And I asked you out on a date
When you were standing frying fish
You fulfilled my perfect wish
I thought you would smell like that
Because I like the smell of chip fat

ARE YOU WEARING WIDOWS WEEDS?

Are you wearing widows’ weeds?
Well you still have a woman needs
And you’re still in your prime
You’ve waited a respectful time
After that event so fateful
So just lie back and be grateful

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing mourning clothes?
Black really does look good on you
And I am very curious to know
If your underwear is black too

ARE YOU WEARING BOOTS?

Are you wearing boots?
It’s a little warm for that Betty
No they suit you very well indeed
But they make your calves sweaty

ARE YOU WEARING SCENT?

Are you wearing scent?
You don’t usually exude
Even when you’re going out
For a social interlude
If you are wearing scent
It means you’re going to get rude

ARE YOU WEARING SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing slippers?
Yes I do think they suit you
I just questioning their suitability
For a visit to the zoo