SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

DATING PREMISE

When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume

THE MORNING AFTER

After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then

CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV

I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian

LIFE LESSON

When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches

IT’S NOT HIP

Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap

THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES

Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed

FALLEN FROM GRACE

When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round


IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1

If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead

I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN

If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies

THE STICK INSECT

My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing

MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND

My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic

THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS

A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied

MARRIAGE LINES

LOSING HER MIND

My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone

SENTENCING

In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?

IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO

They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go

MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME

My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute

THE NIGHT OUT

I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”

BURNT OFFERINGS

My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits

Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers

MY WIFE IS MAD

My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up

MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT

My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet

WIFI WIFE

I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her


THE LOSS OF LOVE

The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating

NIGELA I’M NOT

I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house

SLEEPLESS

How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead

My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head

VIRGIN WHITE

Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor

MARITAL DISCOVERY

After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all

HEALTHY HUMOUR

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die

DOCTOR FRANK

My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear

Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door

I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK


GARNISHING

If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story

DOCTOR BLUNT

My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard

THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY

Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there

DEADLY HYMENOPTERA

Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow

Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee

DEADLY RECREATION

Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high

Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea

DOCTOR SHARP

I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”

A FARE HEARING

My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly

He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine

ANAPHYLAXIS

I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me

MANNOGRAM

A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision

ATTRACTION

I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me

THE USES OF GOOSES

THE USES OF GOOSES # 01

One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease

THE USES OF GOOSES # 02

Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01

Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02

Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03

Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free

VEGETUS

VEGETUS # 01

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

VEGETUS # 02

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n