WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

The years are passing me by
And another relationship has failed
What is wrong with me?
Why has this love affair derailed?

Why can I not hold onto love?
What kind of signal do I transmit?
What makes me so difficult to love?
I cannot put my finger on it

So I must move onto pastures new
Looking for the most elusive pray
Wishing for better luck this time around
And that I will strike gold one day

Surely it is not too much to ask
That my love be returned in kind
I won’t give up the search
I’ll keep looking and see what I find

I just have to keep believing
Keep the faith and I will soon see
The next one that I can love
And hope that they will love me

ONE WAY TRAFFIC

Why is it that when I think about you
I find my self inanely grinning
Yet I get nothing back from you
That would get my giddy head spinning

I can’t go on getting nothing back
I have wasted too much time on you
I need to feel your love, but I don’t
So breaking up is the only thing to do

Breaking up is hard to do, so says the song
But that doesn’t apply in this case
For when I tell that our affair is over
No hint of emotion shows on your face

I should perhaps have realised
Your heart was not there for the winning
But blinded by my love I didn’t notice
You were indifferent from the beginning

UNEQUAL PARTNERS

Why do you hold back?
Why can’t you go all the way?
“I love you” those are the words
That I want to hear you say

Don’t be half hearted
I need you one hundred percent
I don’t want you to be unsure
I want you to be content

You have to be sure
Content as I am in my choice
But you are not are you?
I can hear it in your voice

You don’t feel the same as I
I don’t make your pulse race
Or your heart skip a beat
I’m right; I can see it on your face

Love isn’t a one-way street
It has to flow both ways
But it isn’t flowing to me
Not even on the best of days

Then it’s over and done
I won’t have half measures
It has to be all or nothing
Not just the pleasures

I need to be “the one”
I won’t be your second best
I won’t invest my love
With no prospect of interest

It’s sad when love ends
And a couple have to part
But I only feel regret
That I never reached your heart

YOU HAD ME LOVING YOU

You had me loving you from day one
And I had you loving me when it begun
But somewhere along the way
Your cheating heart decided to stray
You had me loving you totally
And I thought I had you loving me
But now your heart resides elsewhere
And you have left me in utter despair
You are still the one that I adore
But you don’t love me anymore
You still have me loving you totally
But I no longer have you loving me

A Little bit Of Humour

ABBREVIATED IRONY
I have often thought it ironic
If not positively absurd
That the term, abbreviated
Is an eleven letter word

THE EXORCIST

There is a ghost in my house
A poltergeist in nature
And I am determined to see
Its imminent departure

I have secured the services
Of an expert of eminence
An exorcist of renown
To un-haunt my residence

He is not a cheap solution
To my poltergeist problem
But the spirit has to go
Before I end up in an asylum

But the price must be met
This was sternly stressed
For if I default on the fee
The house will be repossessed

THE ABSENT MINDED OCTOGENARIAN

An octogenarian visited his doctor
'I think I'm getting senile” he said
The doctor replied “I don’t think you are senile
Let’s look for a different diagnosis instead”
“But I keep forgetting to do up my fly”
The old man said “After I’ve been for a pee”
The doctor smiled and then replied
“Not opening your fly before you start, that’s senility”

Ooh Err

GLORY OF THE DAWN

Oh to awake at dawn
Awaking with the horn
To sport a morning glory
Was highly satisfactory
A magnificent early riser
With which to surprise her
But alas that was in my youth
And to tell the honest truth
Now my poor dormant muscle
Can barely raise a chuckle

THE CALL OF THE WILD

Not pampered or preened
Nor sculptured or shaped
Not tidied or groomed
Nor shaven or scraped
For neat and manicured
Well, nothing could be fouler
For we like it as nature intended
An untamed hairy growler
No French landing strips
Or Brazilian styled
Just wild and untamed bush
Because we like our beaver wild

DEFLATED

I used to rise at dawn
And marvel at my erection
Such a thing of beauty
So wonderful in its perfection
But those days are behind me
Its flaccid now upon inspection
And to raise it from its flaccidity
I must consume some blue confection
And thus perform a miracle rising
Akin to the resurrection

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 155

Pat a cake, Pat a cake, Bakers man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Full of E numbers and artificial flavouring
Then microwave it until the oven pings

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 156

Tom, Tom of Islington,
Married a wife on Sunday,
And that’s all I will tell
Because to be honest it doesn’t end well

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 157

Three wise men of Gotham
Went to sea in a bowl:
Their wisdom was a misconception
They died and that’s natural selection

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 158

There was a little man
Who wooed a little honey;
and she was wooed and wooed and wooed
But not as wude as he

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 159

"Broken chairs to mend"
"Broken chairs to mend"
If I'd not gone to Argos
With money to spend,
I never would cry
"Broken chairs to mend"