The coolest dude at the hospital
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
DREAM LOVER?
Was our secret love as special as it seems
Or were our liaisons only in my dreams
Am I remembering those nights clearly
When your heart beat only for me
And we satisfied all of our passions
In all their varied forms and fashions
Could it be our exertions were a fallacy?
Our sexual gymnastics just a fantasy
Were those sensual hours spent with you?
Or just an imagined lovers rendezvous
Or were our liaisons only in my dreams
Am I remembering those nights clearly
When your heart beat only for me
And we satisfied all of our passions
In all their varied forms and fashions
Could it be our exertions were a fallacy?
Our sexual gymnastics just a fantasy
Were those sensual hours spent with you?
Or just an imagined lovers rendezvous
MISSING OUT
They’ve taken all the fun away
It’s prohibited from the school day
Thanks to the politically correct crusade
And the heath and safety brigade
There can be no unacceptable names
Or boisterous competitive games
Now playing in the snow and ice
You must play games safe and nice
The nanny state has declared
That the nation’s children must be spared
But when I was a child we did alright
And we did survive an occasional fight
But we had more freedom in my view
We could choose what things to do
You didn’t have to climb in trees
Or pick the scabs off wounded knees
You didn’t have to play kiss chase
Or catch a snowball in the face
You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow
If you didn’t want to you could say no
Conkers was not a compulsory game
You didn’t have to call girls names
You could roll in the grass again and again
Or jump in puddles after heavy rain
You didn’t have to skip with girls
Or run with grass seed in your curls
If you didn’t want to there was no need
You could sit alone and quietly and read
But if you chose to you could do it
And after all we were young and fit
It’s prohibited from the school day
Thanks to the politically correct crusade
And the heath and safety brigade
There can be no unacceptable names
Or boisterous competitive games
Now playing in the snow and ice
You must play games safe and nice
The nanny state has declared
That the nation’s children must be spared
But when I was a child we did alright
And we did survive an occasional fight
But we had more freedom in my view
We could choose what things to do
You didn’t have to climb in trees
Or pick the scabs off wounded knees
You didn’t have to play kiss chase
Or catch a snowball in the face
You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow
If you didn’t want to you could say no
Conkers was not a compulsory game
You didn’t have to call girls names
You could roll in the grass again and again
Or jump in puddles after heavy rain
You didn’t have to skip with girls
Or run with grass seed in your curls
If you didn’t want to there was no need
You could sit alone and quietly and read
But if you chose to you could do it
And after all we were young and fit
THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH
The angel of the north
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES ONCE MORE
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 38
Ring-a-Ring o'RosiesA Pocket full of Posies"Pig flu! Pig flu!"We all take a sickie!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.For want of a shoe the horse was lost.For want of a horse the rider was lost.For want of a rider the battle was lost.For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41
Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42
Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44
Hickory, dickory, dockSome mice ran up the clockThe clock struck one,When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dockThe mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;He called for his pint in the middle of the dayAnd he called for his cronies three.Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;Oh there's none so pissed as can compareWith King Cole and his cronies three.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46
Red sky at night,Arsonist’s delight;Red sky at morning,Four minute warning.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47
Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48
Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went to bed with his trousers on;One shoe off, and one shoe on,He was completely shit faced my son John!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51
The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52
I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallThe people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54
Little Jack Horner sat in a cornerEating his Christmas pieHe stuck in his thumbAfter scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55
One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57
The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand menHe marched them up to the top of the hillAnd he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58
Horsey, horsey don't you stopJust let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59
Hark, hark my dogs do barkAll day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60
Hark, hark the dogs do barkThe chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61
Here's the church, and here's the steepleOpen the door and see all the people.No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,The people will always shout,There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63
Rain, rain go away,You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65
Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68
Ding dong bellPussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69
Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat.They left the platter so clean,There was nothing for the cat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72
Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74
"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite
Ring-a-Ring o'RosiesA Pocket full of Posies"Pig flu! Pig flu!"We all take a sickie!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.For want of a shoe the horse was lost.For want of a horse the rider was lost.For want of a rider the battle was lost.For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41
Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42
Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43
Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44
Hickory, dickory, dockSome mice ran up the clockThe clock struck one,When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dockThe mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;He called for his pint in the middle of the dayAnd he called for his cronies three.Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;Oh there's none so pissed as can compareWith King Cole and his cronies three.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46
Red sky at night,Arsonist’s delight;Red sky at morning,Four minute warning.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47
Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48
Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went to bed with his trousers on;One shoe off, and one shoe on,He was completely shit faced my son John!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51
The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52
I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallThe people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54
Little Jack Horner sat in a cornerEating his Christmas pieHe stuck in his thumbAfter scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55
One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57
The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand menHe marched them up to the top of the hillAnd he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58
Horsey, horsey don't you stopJust let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59
Hark, hark my dogs do barkAll day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60
Hark, hark the dogs do barkThe chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61
Here's the church, and here's the steepleOpen the door and see all the people.No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,The people will always shout,There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63
Rain, rain go away,You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65
Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68
Ding dong bellPussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69
Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat.They left the platter so clean,There was nothing for the cat
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71
Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72
Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74
"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
LOVE HAIKU
# 1
Under skies of grey,
or beneath a sky of blue,
I would love you still
# 2
Should the clouds obscure,
the glorious stars at night,
I will still love you
# 3
Wondrous chemistry,
electricity crackling,
when boy meets a girl
# 4
The science of love,
physics meets biology,
when boy meets a girl
Under skies of grey,
or beneath a sky of blue,
I would love you still
# 2
Should the clouds obscure,
the glorious stars at night,
I will still love you
# 3
Wondrous chemistry,
electricity crackling,
when boy meets a girl
# 4
The science of love,
physics meets biology,
when boy meets a girl
BREATH OF SPRING
She Entered
Like a breath of spring
And her presence
Altered everything
She walked in
With such a delicate air
Heads turned
To watch the maiden fair
She then returned
From whence she came
But didn’t leave us
Quite the same
We hoped to see again
That breath of spring
Whose presence
Altered everything
Like a breath of spring
And her presence
Altered everything
She walked in
With such a delicate air
Heads turned
To watch the maiden fair
She then returned
From whence she came
But didn’t leave us
Quite the same
We hoped to see again
That breath of spring
Whose presence
Altered everything
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