CHRISTMAS IS A TIME OF JOY

Christmas is a time of joy
For every little girl and boy
All wishing for that special toy
That they can’t wait to enjoy

Christmas is a time of love
Given to us from the lord above
When we see with eyes of a dove
Christmas fits us like a glove

Christmas is a time for prayer
Christmas is a time to share
Christmas is a time to care
It’s also the time for festive fare

Christmas time is a special thing
A time to worship Christ the king
In his honour gifts we bring
And to the heavens high we sing

SNOWMAN BLUES

Out of the snowy lawn
The snowman grew
Wearing a hat and scarf
The way that you do

With pebbles for eyes
Pressed into the snow
A smiley twig mouth
And a large carrot nose

He’s a magnificent site
The snowman that grew
But he’s just snow and ice
And no substitute for you

I wish you were here
To chase the blues away
I wish you’d come back
To me for Christmas day

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Am I the loveliest of them all?
Mirror, mirror tell me for sure
To stop me feeling insecure

Mirror, mirror hanging there
You needn’t tell me I look fair
Let me think that I look slim
So I can look good for him

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Tell me that my bum is small
Mirror, mirror looking glass
Tell me that’s not all my arse

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap
Just because I’m old
I still have talent and skills to offer
If I may be so bold

My talent is called multi tasking
Or so I’ve been led to believe
And I can simultaneously wet myself
And laugh, cough, fart and sneeze

WHAT DO YOU WANT BUD?

I saw a Buddhist monk today
At a hot dog stand
The cook stood at the griddle
Doing his thing
“What can I make you” was his
Gruff demand
The monk replied, “ Make me one
With everything”

YOU MUFFIN

When young women
Dress with midriff exposed
It can look attractive
To the suitably disposed
But for those more ampler
Flesh spills over the top
Of tight waist bands
To look like muffin tops

PUT DOWN'S

PUT DOWN # 1

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”

PUT DOWN # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips