A Little bit Of Humour

IT’S THE DOGS…. ONCE AGAIN

George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

In class one day a boy named Benny
Needed to go to the toilet suddenly
So he called out loudly to Miss
“Please I really need to take a piss”
The teacher said “No you must wait”
“The correct word to use is urinate”
If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly
I will allow you to go to the lavatory
And so thought the boy called Benny
Desperate now to spend a penny
"You're an eight miss” says young Ben
“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES

“Ok class, today we will learn
About words with multi syllables”
The teacher addressed her class
“Does anyone have an example?”
One boy put up his hand
“Please miss I have an example”
He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”
Then said “that is my example”
The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob
And that has fewer syllables”

NEW RESOLVE

My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”

More Love Poems

WHERE DO I BEGIN TO SAY?

Where do I begin to say?
Exactly what you mean to me
It would surely end my world
If you were to set me free

Where do I begin to say?
How happy it would make me
If I could find the perfect words
To express my feelings with clarity

When we are separated
I feel half a person, empty and incomplete
But when we are together
I am whole and I am replete

Where do I begin to say?
How blessed I am to have you in my life
As my lover, and best friend
My partner and my wife

KIWI GIRL

She was a tiny little thing
Barely five foot, Pint size
But larger than life
With huge grey eyes

Her first words were
I’m not an Aussie
I’m from New Zealand
And I’m a Kiwi

Christened Katherine
She preferred Kitty
At first glance
I thought she was pretty

Perhaps not beautiful
Well not obviously so
But certainly pretty
But not to the shallow

She was not compelled
By fashion or fad
In her cargo pants
And shirt of plaid

Her stocking feet
Made little sound
As on fairy steps
She flitted around

She had a delicious chuckle
Rich and fruity
When she laughed
Was when I saw beauty

A smile lit up her face
And her big eyes
Transformed her
From pupae to butterfly

Her laughing eyes
Glanced aside
And she was caught
Her look was spied

Her pale skin
As she blushed
Turns to crimson
And away she rushed

Though she dressed
Not to impress
She had a figure
Hidden, nonetheless

My eyes followed her
Though no others did
My pretty Kitty
This gorgeous Kiwi kid

Do you try to hide?
From the wicked world
The pretty girl inside
Oh lovely Kiwi girl

Because I already spied
The pretty girl inside
When first I looked
Into her big grey eyes

SHE IS

She is embedded in my heart
I imagine her inside my head
I picture her in my life
Safely in my arms
Or sleeping in my bed

She is ingrained in my soul
I imagine us with a family
I picture our life together
Far off in the future
With cherished memories

She is woven through my fabric
She is at the very heart of me
I feel her hand in mine
And her kisses on my skin
Her scent is exotic and heady

Though she is in my every thought
And my dreams of her persist
I have to confess that
As much as I love her
She doesn’t know that I exist

Assorted Love Poems For Valentines Day

SEE EMILY PLAY

It is said that Beauty
Is in its beholders eye
Then surely in Emily’s case
Our vision must be singular
Any man with a heartbeat
Must see as I
In order not to mislead
I should state that Emily
Is not on the cover of vogue
She is no airbrushed goddess
She is a normal girl
Perhaps even ordinary
But she is beautiful all the same
She does not see it
In her self effacing way
She sees only her flaws
But in my eyes
Her beauty is enhanced
By her imperfections
And not diminished by them
She is not a perfect beauty
And so to me she is perfection
She see’s many imperfections
But I don’t see any
For example her hair
Which Emily wears long
Is straight and is of that
Undignified shade of mousy
Her ears are small, almost delicate
But they do protrude
Allowing her to hook her hair
Behind them effortlessly
Emily’s nose is a little Aquiline
But cute all the same
Her eyes are a startling pale green
And quite hypnotic
They are punctuated
With thick eyebrows
In the Brooke Shields style
Her lips are full, without a pout
And the corners turn up
Cutely innocent
The colour is pink
At its darkest hue
But all of this is merely,
Window dressing
I look at her in awe
Such is her loveliness
But the secret to her beauty
Is that she is natural
On the day I first met her
On that summers day
When her mouth opened
And those full pink lips
Turned into a smile
They illuminated the room
Her face seemed to radiate
A light so divine
And her countenance
Was at once angelic
And at that very moment
Emily captured my heart
I stood open mouthed
Staring at this goddess
Then when see noticed me
Her cheeks discoloured
To a shade of claret wine
And I knew cupid had struck
Two hearts pieced by a single arrow

THE CATS WHISKERS

You are simply the bee’s knees
The cats whiskers to a tee
And I couldn’t feel more lucky
If I’d won the national lottery
So I amble about the place
A smug expression on my face
Like a cat that got the cream
As you’ve made my life a dream
And you are my little sex kitten
And I am yours, totally smitten

WHEN LOVERS PART

Was it really two weeks ago
When we cried and said hello
And now as we stand in the rain
It’s the time for us to part again
Holding you close again we cry
As the time has come to say goodbye
Only a few more weeks to go
When we will say our last hello
And our goodbyes will be done
As before God we join as one
And never again will we part
Or feel the longing in our hearts
I hold you close as again we cry
Then I kiss you and say goodbye

MY HEART WILL SAY

My heart will say
Every day
Why am I empty?
So empty

My heart will say
Every day
Why am I so lonely?
So lonely

My heart will say
Every day
I can love someone
Anyone

My heart will say
Every day
Answer me please
Please answer me

My heart makes a plea
Please fill me
Give me some company
Hear my plea

My heart will say
Every day
Find me a kindred spirit
Oh please permit

My heart despairs
I have so much to share
I have so much to give
Please let me live

THOSE EYES

Those eyes, those eyes
Of saucer size
Those eyes, those eyes
That hypnotize

Those eyes, those eyes
So worldly wise
Those eyes, those eyes
That bring me sighs

Those eyes, those eyes
Cause of my demise
Those eyes, those eyes
I’m lost, so no surprise

EVERY DREAM I’VE DREAMED

Every dream I’ve dreamed
Was because of you
Every wish I’ve wished
You have made come true
You read me like a book
And you are written on every page
Everything I've longed for
Is rolled up in one package
You came to me like a gift
Delivered out of the blue
And the greatest gift of all
Is being loved by you

THANK YOU ELIZABETH

How do I love thee?
Was Ms Browning’s question
Let me count the ways.
Was her suggestion
But how to begin
That list of criteria
Or to select one phrase
To serve as a Panacea
Her answer was perfection
The perfection such as I desire
I love you as deep and wide
And as high as my soul can aspire

IMMEASURABLE

Since that first day long ago
When first I saw my angel
We have laboured hard at love
And we have both built well
We have forged this love
Which we will forever know
It will never melt away
Like the thawing of the snow
But how is it measured?
How do we quantify?
We feel it and that is proof enough
The love shared by you and I

YOU MUST KNOW I LOVE YOU

You must know I love you
I hope I show you that I do
For the sweetest moments in my life
Are the ones I spend with you

You are my first thought
When I awake to the new day
And the last thing on my mind
At night when I drift away

I wish I could tell you
Of the love that’s in my heart
I want you to feel the depth of love
I’ve felt for you from the start

I would use sweet phrases
And sugary words of love
The sweetest ever known
Speaking of columbine and dove

No the words that I must choose
Are the simplest that I can use
What I'm feeling deep inside
Is the deepest love for you

ON THAT BEAUTIFUL DAY IN JUNE

On that beautiful day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
Then I saw you in the big white dress

I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch

Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress

If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress

Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress

And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
My dearest one beneath the big white shroud

GROWING OLD TOGETHER

Journey to our Autumn years
In my loving company
Let us age together like old port
Or mature like a piece of Brie
What joys the future holds
If you spend your life with me

MORE THAN ALL THE RICHES

More than all the riches of the earth
Or all the treasure of the deep
More than ingots from the vaults
Or jewels in the Castle’s keep
Neither polished gem nor cultured pearl
Could be held to be in compare
To the priceless nature of our love
That you and I both share

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

I fell in love with you
When you were glam
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old man

I fell in love with you
When you were buffer
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old duffer

I fell in love with you
When you were fit
And I still love you now?
That I’m an old git

BE MY VALENTINE # 6

On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
And the Persian gave his wife
Rugs and kisses!

WINTER WONDERLAND

THE SILENT DAWN

The six o’clock alarm
Breaks my slumber
I swat at the clock
Like an unwelcome bug
A single gesture brings silence
And I lie in the quiet hush
Silence! Why is it silent?
Where is the traffic noise?
The clinking milk float?
The boy racers?
The early morning bussle?
I leap from my bed
And rush to the window
I pause for a moment
Hold my breath in anticipation
Then pull back the curtain
And what a sight to behold
Snow! Snow! Snow!
As far as the eye could see
A vista of pure virgin white
The whole scene cloaked
In a deep shroud of snow
Shapes rose up here and there
From the thick carpet
Disguising what lay below
I search the scene for signs of life
And found none
The snow was fresh and unsullied
Just lying there, waiting
I turned and dragged the duvet
Off my sleeping wife
And responded to her protests
Saying “Snow! Snow! Snow!”
Half an hour later
We were fully dressed
And on the way out of the door
Thirty seconds later we were back
We had forgotten to wake the children

SNOWFLAKE

What a perfect creation
Are the snowflakes
Beauty and geometry
Each precisely fashioned

They float to earth
Filling the air
Like cotton in a mill shed
Haphazardly drifting

Individual and unique
The crystals fall
Like pieces in an Impossipuzzle
To make a perfect picture

IT’S A SNOW DAY

The motorway is closed
All the schools are shut
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
The kids can stay and play

The buses aren’t running
The car won’t start
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
We can stay and play

The gritter’s never did the job
The salt’s still in the bin
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
No work for us today

It’s bad for the economy
For us all to stay at home
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
Hip, hip hooray