THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

 

The gift I most wanted

Was the sweetest girl

With a generous heart

A smile to banish darkness

And a warm and tender soul

To make all of my

Christmas dreams come true

But it wasn’t to be

Because I ended up with you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 319

 

Mary had a little bra

Which wasn’t really fair

Because like her mother

She had a massive pair

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

 

Are you wearing Christmas socks?

Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see

And gives me pause to think

How high they go above the knee

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10

 

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,

He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list

So, the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole

And they all ended up with a big piece of coal

A WINTER WONDERLAND

 

My bell rings, are you listening,

On your face, your lips are glistening,

A beautiful sight,

I’ll be happy tonight,

Rummaging in your winter underwear

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

 

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

It should be the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

But I’ve just realized my folly

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

 

Stab me in the heart with holly

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Dad has run away with Molly 

Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

Stuff the turkey’s arse with holly

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

There’s no reason to be jolly, 

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

 

You can now buy a UKIP

Advent calendar

I’ve never seen one before

There are no Christmas messages

It just says Fuck off

Behind every door